Loss Of A Young Daughter So Many Years Ago..Yet The Pain Is Still There

[twg144]

This is my first time on this forum or any other forums for grief and grieving. Perhaps so many years have gone by that I really should just let this one go. Yet somehow I cannot so am reaching out to a community of others. I am not sure what others write and do not write here, so I will just go from the gut for the first time.

To make this clear my daughter died of CO poisoning in 1989. She was at the time 2 and a half years old. The fifth child I had with my now my ex-wife. We did have two more children afterwards, though if perspective and hindsight is any teacher, the death of my daughter was the beginning of us pulling away from each other. We were divorced in 2001, and I brought up my younger children and never remarried as I devoted myself to their upbringing in the best way possible. My children are grown now, I have 6 children who are alive and 7 grandchildren. In this I know I am blessed and have been lucky.

Yet it is clear, even so many years later, that my daughter's death, the pain that it caused,the pain that is always there - simply has never left me. It is not something that "time has made easier". Indeed, since the cause was because of a faulty gas leak, and I was forced to do triage on my own family, when I found them, between my wife and daughter, the nightmare is always there (and I was a battlefield medic so I have seen enough things in war). The pain is always there. The fear that just because this happened to one child there is no guarantee you will not wake up to a phone call that it happened to another, is almost paralyzing at times. It has, I know effected me in many ways in my life path and decisions I have made.

In some sort of karma I am often called by parents who recently lost children for help and some sort of empathy and compassion. This I can always give, though those of you who have lost a child know we all belong to a special club that we did not ask to enter, did not knock on any door to get in, and would run like hell if we were offered entry into it. Yet it was forced upon us.

So many years later, perhaps even due to the perspective of age, I find myself living through the nightmare of "what if's" and the pain certainly seems to get worse and worse. I am not sure why nor am I even sure why I would go to a forum to type this all out, even if it is disjointed and so many of the facts are left out.

Many turn to these forums immediately after the tragic and painful event. Therapy never helped me, indeed I found it very non-supportive especially since I always felt that the therapist(s) could never begin to understand the pain of the loss of a child. I don't think there is a pain upon this earth that comes close to it, and certainly the words have not yet been invented to describe it.

I have no idea if any out there can relate to the little I wrote. The pain of it all - the years of pain that is held inside even with the tears and the ability to heal. I have no idea if anyone has anything to say on this matter. But tonight I decided to give this a shot. Perhaps even in the world of forums - there is someone there who can relate and understand.

If not - sorry to have bothered. If so feel welcome to leave an answer or chat or whatever.

Thanks in all cases.

[dsmurph]

Ohh how my heart cries out for you and all of us who have lost. Our Emily will be gone 1 year this October 25th. I did join this group and a local support group soo after Emily passed but found that I had to learn to get through anyway I could. Only I knew the depth of my pain. Yes, it is and always will be so deep.This is such a lonely journey that we are forced to be on. It sounds like your situation was very traumatic as was mine. I replay it all the time. Just when I think I can do good that day, the morning it happened will seep into my mind and sadden me. it is always waiting for any moment to sneak in there. I am so sorry for your loss and losses in life. How are your children today? I have really not been on here but saw your post and felt compelled to respond. You and your family are in my heart.

[twg144]

Thank you dsmurph for your reply. Yes it is a very lonely road no matter how many are involved in one's attempt to heal a bit from it. My children, all of them are fine, though certainly it has effected their lives as well in different forms and manners. Some are pronounced, some only a parent will see, yet they have shown wisdom beyond their years in understanding the depth of pain that sometimes effects me. Your loss is much closer in time and probably from what I read holds you within its grasp very strongly. I cannot say nor promise that will lessen or go away. Each of us deals with loss differently. I am just shocked at myself that so many years later, I still have the need to express it. And yes the manner of death and the events surrounding it were incredibly traumatic. Still I do not believe anymore in the cliche "that time heals all wounds", and I know the loss of a child is something that changes one forever. I guess it is what we do with that change that defines us. It either makes us bitter and full of sorrow or somehow forces us to use a strength we did not know we possessed to endure. There is but one thing. Life before the tragedy and life after it. Once it happens there simply is no road back to who or what you once were. That is how I feel today. Perhaps most disagree, I do not know. I only know that even having two children afterwards, and loving all of my children dearly, there is still a hole that nothing will ever fill.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

twg144,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter...and you are right...these types of tragic experiences do make us look closer at the paths we choose later in life...like you said always wondering about that next phone call...

My story... I had lost an infant boy in 1987..he was six weeks old...I am always haunted by what I should have done but didn't, he had been sick and hospitalized, was released...I thought he was better...however the morning of the day he died I thought I saw him stop breathing for a second...no one had told me about SIDS, by the end of the day he had died in an afternoon nap...

Now fast forward...I had another son, I have always been so careful, so watchful...well tomorrow is the one year date, I get a call saying he was killed...the law enforcement wrongly assigned cause to him so his good name was ruined in death as well...

We (him and I) were very bonded...so much so that I knew that something was coming at him like this...I tried and tried to keep him safe...to find anything that was a danger to him, evaluating everything...but the one thing I overlooked stole his life...he had bought a motorcycle for a reseller, he got on it one morning to drive to a doctor's appointment and someone killed him in his own driving lane, just drove him over...

So I understand you feeling like you have not been released from your pain of losing your daughter...because I am in that same place....

And therapists have not helped me much either...

[dsmurph]

I was just thinking today how a piece of my heart feels literally gone forever. I believe also that I am not the same person and am becoming even more different than before. I am not bitter and choose not to become bitter. Emily was love, everything about her. I try everyday to show the kind of love that she had. I need to do that for her, for God, and for me. But, I know the emptiness inside me and the pain to whatever degree will always be there. Hugs to you Jesse David's Mom and twg144.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hugs to you both as well...

Jesse David's Mom

[mercedeze]

i too have lost a young daughter. it will be four yrs in april.yes i have been able to smile again and go through some days with ease. i have five other children that has helped me through and yes i u totally understand the parralizing fear when it even just crosses your mind on losing another. i have a family member whom lost all five of he children in matter of four yrs all adult children.she is the strongest i know .i have to hear from my children every day. the older ones . and my fear of being so over protective of my younger ones that i mess them up. i am through the phase of oblivion .but find myself feeling as if im jumping on a moving treadmill and cannot catch up to speed .im not quite sure how depression feels.if i had to give depression an explanation it would feel like this i guess cant seem to keep up with the speed of others and am exuasted. did you go through this and does it ease as well . my appology for my rudeness i am sorry for your loss .and duely know how you feel about this greif train we didnt by tickets for and would gladly turn around and walk instead. its like the whole world is going through life blind and bliss .as we once were before the loss of our child .and the we were the chosen ones to see the whole picture .i would rather be bliss.i want to go back to the life i had,sounds selfish i know but the life of mindless decisions and fearless living with my children and be happy. instead we have a world of not wanting to see our own picture so we dont have to see the greif and pain and saddness in our own eyes.gaining yrs in just months and days would i gladly pass on this knowledge we were given and have my beautiful child in my arms again .in a millisecond.

anyways sorry for the explosion of my feelings and lets get back to my question.how did you release your childs belongings or do you still have every last tiny piece of it? i have it all and find that if someone touches it its not pretty on their behalf. so how do toy began to ket their things go.

[mercedeze]

i too have lost a young daughter. it will be four yrs in april.yes i have been able to smile again and go through some days with ease. i have five other children that has helped me through and yes i u totally understand the parralizing fear when it even just crosses your mind on losing another. i have a family member whom lost all five of he children in matter of four yrs all adult children.she is the strongest i know .i have to hear from my children every day. the older ones . and my fear of being so over protective of my younger ones that i mess them up. i am through the phase of oblivion .but find myself feeling as if im jumping on a moving treadmill and cannot catch up to speed .im not quite sure how depression feels.if i had to give depression an explanation it would feel like this i guess cant seem to keep up with the speed of others and am exuasted. did you go through this and does it ease as well . my appology for my rudeness i am sorry for your loss .and duely know how you feel about this greif train we didnt by tickets for and would gladly turn around and walk instead. its like the whole world is going through life blind and bliss .as we once were before the loss of our child .and the we were the chosen ones to see the whole picture .i would rather be bliss.i want to go back to the life i had,sounds selfish i know but the life of mindless decisions and fearless living with my children and be happy. instead we have a world of not wanting to see our own picture so we dont have to see the greif and pain and saddness in our own eyes.gaining yrs in just months and days would i gladly pass on this knowledge we were given and have my beautiful child in my arms again .in a millisecond.

anyways sorry for the explosion of my feelings and lets get back to my question.how did you release your childs belongings or do you still have every last tiny piece of it? i have it all and find that if someone touches it its not pretty on their behalf. so how do toy began to ket their things go.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

i too have lost a young daughter. it will be four yrs in april.yes i have been able to smile again and go through some days with ease. i have five other children that has helped me through and yes i u totally understand the parralizing fear when it even just crosses your mind on losing another. i have a family member whom lost all five of he children in matter of four yrs all adult children.she is the strongest i know .i have to hear from my children every day. the older ones . and my fear of being so over protective of my younger ones that i mess them up. i am through the phase of oblivion .but find myself feeling as if im jumping on a moving treadmill and cannot catch up to speed .im not quite sure how depression feels.if i had to give depression an explanation it would feel like this i guess cant seem to keep up with the speed of others and am exuasted. did you go through this and does it ease as well . my appology for my rudeness i am sorry for your loss .and duely know how you feel about this greif train we didnt by tickets for and would gladly turn around and walk instead. its like the whole world is going through life blind and bliss .as we once were before the loss of our child .and the we were the chosen ones to see the whole picture .i would rather be bliss.i want to go back to the life i had,sounds selfish i know but the life of mindless decisions and fearless living with my children and be happy. instead we have a world of not wanting to see our own picture so we dont have to see the greif and pain and saddness in our own eyes.gaining yrs in just months and days would i gladly pass on this knowledge we were given and have my beautiful child in my arms again .in a millisecond.

anyways sorry for the explosion of my feelings and lets get back to my question.how did you release your childs belongings or do you still have every last tiny piece of it? i have it all and find that if someone touches it its not pretty on their behalf. so how do toy began to ket their things go.

I am sorry for the loss of your precious daughter...

I have had two child losses, one infant and now the loss of my adult son last year. Please come and post in the Loss of an Adult Child thread, there are many who regularly post there and will hold your hand...age of child does not matter...

Jesse Davids mom

[MissKylie]

I also lost my daughter and it's on a New Year's day this year. The pain is unbearable. She is so perfect. Sweet, intelligent and adorable. And suddenly, she had a cancer.

 

I felt so miserable. My heart bleeds everytime I think of the memories we shared. She's only 5 years old and why would God take away such a beautiful girl and let her die with cancer.

 

Am so sorry for your loss twg144. I also hope that one day God will tell me why He have to take Kylie away from me. The only person who made my life meaningful and complete.