Loss of My Grandmother

[Lodrak]

I lost my grandmother the end of March of this year. She was buried on April Fools Day (which was pretty fitting since she loved a good joke.) I was very very close to her my whole life. I have a psychology background and understand the stages of grief, but I am having trouble coming to terms with anything at this point. In order to keep functioning, I have irrationally convinced myself that she is still there, but I just have to go and visit her. I *know* that this is not rational, and I do not think that I completely believe this, but it is what I have to do in order to keep going. In the six months that she has been gone, I have not been able to go and see my grandfather. This is compounded by the fact that my aunt and her family are pretty much camping out there since my aunt was tasked with "taking care of my grandfather" by my grandmother before she passed.

I did not get to say goodbye to her. I did not want her to see me cry, I don't know why. She agreed to go to hospice, mostly for us. When they did the hospice meeting, she asked everyone but my grandfather, my mom, and my aunt to leave the room. She was scheduled to go home to hospice on Thursday and she passed Wednesday night. I was planning on going to say goodbye when she went home. I also wanted to ask her if we could bury my daughter's ashes with her (they were.)

Since this time, I have not been able to face that she is gone, in any way. I have thrown myself into my work and I choke back any form of emotion. Until today. I happened to get out of work early and decided to go and see my grandfather. He had moved her desk and her chair. It took everything in me not to break down, but I didn't.

My husband is saying that I need to go up to her grave and have a conversation with her, but I can't. I don't know if I ever will be able to since this will make me face that she isn't here. I understand that this is an important step, but I just can't do it. My family is not known for our emotional openness, my grandmother was the only one who showed emotions. I am so torn between keeping her memory alive by resisting letting her go and needing to keep going. I don't know what to do. I know that I need to keep going, but even with all of my training, I can't do it in myself. I can't talk to anyone truthfully about this since I can't even be truthful with myself. I don't know how to live without her and I still get good news and I pick up the phone to call her and then find an excuse not to (not enough signal on my phone, etc.) this way I don't have to recognize that she is gone.

I know that I can't keep going on this way, but I don't know how to take the next step. Going to see a counselor is out of the question for me at this point, I can't do it.

Thanks for reading this if you have made it this far.

Lost.

[ModKonnie]

_{Lodrak, I am very sorry about the loss of your grandmother. Since you are unable to visit her gravesite to have a conversation with her--perhaps you should try writing her a letter. In it, tell her everything you've wanted to say and make it as long as you'd like. Many people find this helpful in saying goodbye. Have you considered calling your grandfather? Have you thought about attending a few grief and loss counseling sessions or a self help group? As you know, the more you talk about your loss, the better you will feel, so please try to talk to your family, friends and even us. In the meantime, be sure and take care of yourself. We will be here for you-ModKonnie}