Girlfriend loses dad and turns on me

[Ad84]

Hello, last Saturday my girlfriends father passed away while we were on holiday. I have been seeing her for 5 years and we have had a bit of a rocky relationship especially in the last year as she does not get on with my parents. 3 weeks ago I spoke with her about getting the matter with my parents resolved and this could maybe help fix what's going wrong with our relationship, this was prior to going on holiday which she agreed to do. She is now so angry with me that I will never be able to ask his permission to marry her and that he will not be at her wedding. She is blaming all the faults of our relationship now on me and telling me I must feel guilty for doing this to her and I can not take back what I've done. She has turned so aggressive and volatile towards me, I am so surprised by this as I have been nothing but supportive of her and her family during this hard time. I don't really know how to deal with this anger towards me, I am trying to support her but its so hard when she's verbally attacking me. I am aware her mother through her grief is fuelling the anger by telling her things such as he was so looking forward to walking you down the isle, he was so looking forward to him asking for permission, this will never happen. Your dad is gone forever and other such things. I get on well with her mother and don't know why she's making her daughters grief worse. I can see why my girlfriend is upset about these topics but neither of us expected her father to pass away and I was not in any position to propose at this time. How shoulder I react/deal with this? I don't think ignoring or arguing the matter will help =(

[boopsiebee54]

When someone dies suddenly, the bereaved look for someone to blame. You did not kill her dad. I am sorry for her loss, and your loss, but there are all types of strong feelings and everyone grieves differently. It is normal for even blood relatives to turn on one another in their anguish. My advice? Tell her, "I am sorry you feel that way, and when you are ready to talk I'll be here". Do NOT take the vitriol personally. We cannot help the families we are born into, and I am sorry she does not feel close to yours. Ony time will tell if you two are really meant for each other. Just give her some distance, and let her know that you are there for her when she can express her feelings without dumping on you.

[widower2]

From what I can tell, I disagree. "Ignoring" it - ie backing off - might be exactly what you need to do. You letting her treat you like dirt isn't helping either of you. When losing someone it's common to feel great anger, but that doesn't excuse her (or her mother) pointing it your way. If you have a "rocky relationship" in the first place, obviously marriage would have been a bad idea, so it makes sense you didn't propose.

I would let her know (as it sounds like you have) that if she wants to talk or get together to say so and that you're there for her/etc, but I'd also make it clear you're not going to let her take out her anger and grief on you. You don't have to argue, just stand firm.