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Faith

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I am now into my third year. The first was raw emotion; the second seemed like I was finding myself (alot of time for that after losing my job). I made a concerted effort to get rid of things in the house that I know would go bad or be useless to anyone if I kept them for "old times" sake. Cloths, personal items that others can use. It was good to think of them being used as I passed them along. There were times when I get in a fit and emotional about memories as I come across pictures or knick knacks of special interest. I do periodically get so damned frustrated at having to do everything myself. I can say with certainty that no one has "stuck" around and that means family, friends, relatives or even "good close" friends. So, when I say I am doing everything by myself, I mean everything where a helping hand will make my life a little bit easier. Most recently I took down a tree and absolutely no one helped me. Quite frankly, there is no one to ask that can be of any help anyway. Of course, in the past, Deb, would give me the hand that I needed, but I was getting so frustrated and tired and angry about being here without her. This happens from time to time when I realize the lonliness of it all. But, I do not brood about it too long. There are times in the course of 4 weeks that I do not actually engage another human being for lack of no one is around. The house is a project to keep and maintain at this point so it keeps me busy and when I do something I say that Deb would have liked it this way or that. I wonder if/when I move what will occupy my time. I do ask everyday to be removed from here as it would not make a difference one way or another. Then I get curious about the future and what it holds. It is an on again - off again notion. So, I guess the emotions are not running rampant, but there are times when they are in overdrive. I wonder if I just did a clean slate approach and moved and dumped the useless friends and family, if any, how that would work out. That is the feeling at this time, but it might be too drastic, but something has to change - being in limbo is not healthy. Something has to change......

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This first year is just about killing me emotionally. I can't even imagine three years from now and everything being so similar. I'm sorry that you don't have anybody to help you with things. Either do I for that matter. The only person who makes any contact with me at all anymore is my husbands brother. The rest of his family doesn't have anything to do with me and it is sad because we were family for so long. I live out in the country on 5 acres and have a couple of trees I need to take down, a fence I have to put up, grass to mow...I never did that kind of stuff before!! I don't even know how to start the lawnmower!! Wiping the slate and starting fresh sounds great but I don't think I could do that either. I feel frozen, stuck in time.

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There are alot of folks here that are always willing to listen. If you attempt to do the work yourself, take your time and be careful. The trees and grass will always be there. Take your time in whatever you do and there are no set milestones to the process. The interesting thing that I did was I started writing Deb. We always talked and called each other and emailed several times a day even when I was overseas. As you know, our loved ones are there and then they are not there and so no one is around that has that corporate knowledge and understanding of who and what we are. So, when Deb passed away I just started writing her letters and never signed them as that would make it finite. So, I have a whole bunch of letters about my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, my emotions, my low points, my high points, and even my growth. These things I would have shared with her but I know I would have forgotten them by now, so I can look back and know that I shared and can remember things. This works for me.

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Forever young--

I still write emails like i did when he was deployed, or when we were apart because of my job travel. My journal is actually nothing more than a serial letter..with all the things I'd tell him. You are right- it works for me.

i have finally decided i am going to work towards leaving this place, and finding a new place..somewhere there are not so many memories...and not so much 'limbo' it's what i need to do..and although it scares me.. staying here and staying stuck in this time warp scares me more. i am no longer sure that i will notice leaving the friends and family behind, either...i have the thought..they aren't really here, anyway. Hope whatever you decide to do...that it is the step you need.

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I tried the letter writing, I still break down. The therapist suggest I keep trying, hopefully it gets easier. ForeverYoung I just been a widow for almost 7 months, but let me tell you the lack of support from everyone is really hard to take. I tried to imagine my future and it is really hard, for one thing next year I don't know if I will be employed. That is one huge hurdle. I have two teenager sons, they don't really help me and can be a pain, but what am I going to do when they leave? At first friends would call, then I tried to keep calling them but feel I am being a nuisance, and the story goes on and on. Then I read your post and I am so sad. What has happened in society, that we just can't be there for each other?

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I think it is indicative of society as a whole. They do not want to get involved and it requires too much work or commitment on their part either conciously or subconciously. That could be one reason. When Deb passed, we had a friend who had her husband pass the year before. So, she and I always called each other everyday. And the way she put it was that "We are alone and if one of us would pass then nobody would know." Therefore, at least one phone call a day just to let the other know we were alive. And when I might be off doing something and she never heard from me, she would call with a worry. That was okay until she decided to sell her house and I helped her sell, move and relocate. Now, we hardly ever talk and it is almost 8 months since her move. She hated to move and she wishes she did not do it, but her sister was ill and passed so that made her anxious. Someone moved 20 miles away and that even has an impact. So, I do not know the answer. But, I do know that if I pass in my sleep tonite, my dog would bark himself silly because he could not see me at the window and then he would open the door (he is smart) and probably lay next to me and lick my face. But, it is true, no one would know for a long time. Sort of puts it out in front of you. The understanding or knowledge or one word communication is absent. It took along time to create that closeness and it was expected to be there at least several more years. So, this is new territory, again for me, being alone. Before you know it time has passed....

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Oh, yes! I call from time to time and leave a voice message and she calls me back after a period of time. I know she is doing other things which is good. At the right time we needed each other and it worked to our benefit. When all of us were alive it was natural to hang together. But, I suppose when it is down to two, the interaction or engagement of interests is not as much. Could be the same with everyone else: As a couple there was diversity but when down to one, the interests are limited. Good point now that I think about it,, so maybe being here or going somewhere else new would not have an impact in the long run.

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Oh my gosh, you brought up my biggest fear in life!! I live in a very rural, out of the way, tiny town in central Alabama on 5 acres. My home is surrounded by tall pine trees so you can't even see the house from the highway. Total seclusion which is what we loved about it when we bought it. Little did I know my husband was going to pass away. My mother lives with me, she is 85. So I stand a very probable chance of living there completely alone in the future. My son and his family are in Calif. I can't help but think that I am going to die in that house and probably lay there and rot for months before anyone finds me. All the relatives and friends have just scattered and don't contact me at all. It hurts, it really hurts. But it just shows what kind of people they really are because when their turn comes, I will be there for them.

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Same setting for me back in the quiet woods, except for the gunplay by the hunters. But, I say my prayers at nite and at least try to have a clean house. Nothing too embarassing lying around. I mentioned that I was cutting down a tree. I had to climb the tree which was at least 50' high. I cut a limb or two and then get down; drop a tool get down and get up; then take a break; get down and get up; it was very tiresome, but over time I was able to whittle it down and now it is a 6" stub. But, I was thinking about if I fell then that would be a bummer as well. I did some rigging of webbing to keep me as secure as possible. I saved $1500 doing it myself and I was telling myself I am getting a bit old for this tarzan stuff. You might ask why not just zip it down, well, the tree was about 10 feet from my house. I did call a neighbor and asked them if they hear a "I have fallen and I can't get up", then that is me. One thing to note: two weeks ago I was using my old beater p/u truck to haul some brush to my back lot and it caught on fire and burned to the ground. Another message being sent to me I guess. Maybe rethink my way of doing things.

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Three years.. I am not sure I can take it for that long. But I understand what you are saying, its only been a month since Shari passed and already the fair weather friends have stopped communication. I guess I might have an advantage (if you could call it that) since Shari never got a chance to live here with me. But I envy you because you still have the place and memories. All I have are a few items of clothing and 5 or 6 pictures because of the fire that destroyed our home where we had spent 10 of the 13 years we were married 2 weeks prior to her death. And that is one of the things that hurts the most. Count your blessings for now. I am sure you will make the best decision for you. Just think it out and don't make a hasty decision.

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Time for new friends I suppose. Renewing the mind and soul at this point. Was the fire the reason Shari passed away? And were you able to be with her during her passing? I was in Afghanistan and got a red cross message to come home ASAP. I got here 5 days later, but I was here as promised. The guy next to me on one plane was on his way home to bury his wife who had passed while he was away. I felt very fortunate. He did not move one bit for 16 hrs and he did not eat or get up or stretch. Just keep moving forward with a few steps backward from time to time.....

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No the fire was not the direct cause .. We were at the site several times and I suspect she might have aspirated something that contributed to the pneumonia .. I was able to speak to her a few minutes before she passed but was not able to make it home before she left.

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It is the sharing that I miss. I was out in the yard all day and doing odds and ends, then at the end of the day I take the canine for a walk thru the yard. It is peaceful, cool fall day, the canine is wandering and the thought of sharing entered my mind. These moments mean nothing to nobofy except myself whereas before I would be sharing the walk with Deb. All too quiet sometimes and as I walk in the leaves of the fresh cut grass and watch the canine walk oblivious to me having stopped, I wonder what it will be like when he passes. He is aged and the last living link to Deb. The other creatures have passed, but this one is sort of special, he has a personality and actually likes me :o) Then I think of all that has transpired between us and the only one who knows it all is me. I figured we could have shared a lot longer than 19 yrs and then have time to reminisce (sp?) in the old age. So, at this point it is the loss of sharing life and living that stands out the most.

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I know what you are feeling.. Shari and I were joined at the hip (literally and figuratively) We did EVERYTHING together, Our little "canine" is a great comfort to me. Reading your post I feel blessed because "Woods" is only 6 or 7 years old and with any luck will live another 6 or 7 years and will continue to provide a link to her for sometime to come. When he passes, or better, before he passes you might consider getting a puppy or young rescue dog. Pets, especially dogs can provide a huge comfort to us.

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I have to agree about getting another pet. My husband's dog, Molly, will be 12 this year. She doesn't have but a few years left and then my husband is completely gone from my home. So this past weekend I went and got me a puppy!! I'll tell you what, I haven't laughed this much in 9 months!! If you want something to lift your spirits a puppy or kitten will do the trick. All the sudden my life is more upbeat and I have something to take care of again.

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MissingDaniel

Good for you, Jude! That made me smile, thinking of a little pupply bringing some laughter back in your life. I got a cat from the shelter a few months ago, and she has been good for me, too. I'm so glad you are enjoying your puppy!

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I have thought about these new canine ideas and I might consider it if I can halt the traveling. I like to keep a close connection and with really being alone I would not want to always put them into the kennel. I just have not moved past the point of having someone else handle my responsibilities just because I travel. We will see how the entire economy and job market gets along. If I was more homebound I would put that on the top of my list. I have always had Huskies and they are energetic, smart, escape artists and very good temperment. Very friendly and great companions.

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I am a fur baby fanatic!!! I got a blue American Pit Bull Terrier. I named her Roxy.

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yeah if you have to travel a lot would put a crimp in this particular idea .. maybe you can mange to work something out. I would love to own a Husky .. both for me and as a companion for Woods .. but this teenie tiny apt I live in now would not be appropriate for such an active animal. I am going to be starting as a volunteer for our local animal shelter the 17th.. I am hoping that this will help fill the void in my life

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I think volunteering at the Animal Shelter is an excellent idea. There is just something about the unconditional love that a pet gives you that takes your mind off your loss and lets you experience a little bit of joy anyway. I couldn't do the shelter things though because so many of those dogs are put down every day. I'd end up bringing way too many home!

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tn, props to you, both for the volunteer work and for being responsible/smart enough to know not to get a big dog without having enough space for it :)

Judy, some shelters are "no kill" shelters - they keep animals until they find a home.

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My Husky's have come from No-kill shelters. One was absolutely abused and was old when we got it, but he became attached to us when we did some volunteer work. He bit me four times - I never told anyone as they would have put him down, but he was so appreciative of the small things. The oddest thing about him and we did not know this was that he did not have a spleen, thus no immune system. It appeared he may have had a broken leg at one time and was nervous about being in cars. This came about when he got terribly ill and was at the vet while Deb was in the hospital. Deb did not have a spleen either and did not have an immune system. So, the day Deb got out of the hospital was the day that he passed away. The next and current Husky was at the SPCA for 11 months and they were going to put him down and a Rescue organization saved him. We were just going to foster him, but we had the perfect place for him to roam. He was a giveaway since the people could not take him to their apt. She bounced to and fro even at the Rescue place he was given back. I understand why people give them away as they require special attention and are such lively little creatures. He chews and digs everything; he scratches up his beds and loves to dig them.

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FY, I just read your initial post on this thread - it parallels my situation very closely - the timeframe, having to do everything myself, people disappearing, going long stretches w/o any contact with anyone (excluding this site), wondering what the point is of plodding along in this so-called life, etc. Regret that you find yourself similar and hoping for better times.

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We may seem to be needy people. In need of constant companionship or just the notion of maybe talking about the lost one. When you are a couple then you tend to do "couple" things. When you are now single, you are doing single things, maybe or we have now 24 hours a day to get something done versus 1/3 that time to get it together. I found myself doing my things, Debs things and our joint things. When I go to Church, the Pastor will hang with the family types as they may need more attention. I sit in the pew myself and there is a casual - HI how you doing? type of thing. 99% couples in Church. Although it is looked upon as a good thing Biblically that a single person can devote more adoration time than a married person. I noticed today that the Pastor engaged the couples more or the family with kids. It could be the same with being a widower? Just a thought! I almost have to schedule an appt just to have a conversation! So, there is no respite there and it is the same elsewhere. So, I agree in some cases with a former post that what difference does it make whether I am here or not, I might as well be elsewhere and start over.

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Oh churches/pastors/etc on the whole are definitely biased towards couples and esp families, even if not meaning to be, know that feeling. I am managing to get out some though, hope you are as well......

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Let me see, I get out to do the yard work, take care of the canine, wash cloths, go to the store, look for a job, fix things, read, go for a MC ride, do normal homeowner things and the like. I was busy initially when I had a job and then helped everybody move and now it is just myself looking for work and doing chores. Maybe I should take up playing "on line bridge" ...lol...

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May I suggest Meetup.com. Basically a way locals organize groups of people with all diff kinds of interests to get together. It's free and you can do as much or little as you want. Helped me a lot. FWIW

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I looked into that and signed up for what interested me. It was nothing special for me anyway. I did engage in a few online chat sites and there were some real good scammers. But maybe I should not really care about it, as it is a two way street with these things and I think I am going one way right now....but again, I have that urge to maybe get up and go somewhere and be the new guy in town and that might be the ticket to engaging in a new life.....I would be the newbie! Small town USA and riding my bike to the store...

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I literally can't afford SmallTown USA (no job opps) but if you can, more power to ya. Tell Goober and Barney hi. ;)

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Unfortunately that is so true!:) but hopefully something will break this internal stalemate...

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Silvergirl61

I have decided, that one way or another, I am going to go somewhere else, and find some kind of life. Here... all I can do is wander around like a ghost in a life that's already gone, hanging on to the shreds of what was once important.

Now i just have to find the where, the when, and the how.

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Well, do you take all stuff with you or become a minimalist? Cold or hot weather? Big city or small town? Noise or quiet? Concrete or roling hills? These are some of the things that pop into my head when I give it some thought. I worked someplace for a couple of years while I was in this house and came home periodically. The one thing I liked about the new place was that no one knew me and within a few weeks they waving to me when they saw me on the street. I was there long enough that I really enjoyed it and had the notion that it was my lifestyle. I think when/if I make the move, I believe there will be some homesickness but over time the new should take root. I also think that it might be a final move as I am not getting any younger and how many moves do I have left in me...:) These are some thoughts that come to mind for me...

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I have decided, that one way or another, I am going to go somewhere else, and find some kind of life. Here... all I can do is wander around like a ghost in a life that's already gone, hanging on to the shreds of what was once important.

Now i just have to find the where, the when, and the how.

SG, I think this is a breakthrough of sorts for you. Listen to your heart in addition to your brain in deciding what to do, but start moving in some direction while you have the motivation. Bill
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Silvergirl61

When I try to think of all those things, I break down and cry..so I try to not think that hard- little pictures, a piece at a time.Not smart..but having a plan and reasoning out things didn't work either. I'm scared, and terrified, and I can't take living like this anymore. I don't have to worry about taking him down with me, or taking away his comfort..and I guess that's freedom . Nothing left to lose.

Bottom line- all those people who care about me, those friends and family who "will always be there for me"? If I'm lucky, they may post a note on fb (not e-mail..no-one would be able to tell them how great they are for being there for 'that poor girl') ..and I am not talking to voice mails any more. If something happens to me..they will all stand around and say.."why didn't she call..i didn't know..this is so sad.. I'm going to miss her"....the usual bullshit.

For the second weekend in a row.. I'm off..and none came, called, or answered when I called them. The last few months it was "if you were only off on the weekends" Guess no-one needed to use my stuff this weekend..or just thought I'd walk over to the next town and rent a car or something, and come to their house to visit and watch tv, or watch their kids play video games all day. Yesterday I had several texts saying "I wish you were off this weekend..we could go do" something fun. They all expect the daughter who came home to live with me and her fiance to haul me around all the time..great for a relationship..let's take Mom! Not that they wouldn't but holy smoke.. the kids need a little time to build their own life, without worrying about mine!

The story of my life...except for Dennis. And they wonder why I miss him so constantly....I guess I just have to take it on faith..he said he'd be here even if i couldn't see or hear him..so maybe he really is. And he says.."let it go...it'll be ok". Him? I can trust..even if he's a figment of my imagination, he's realer than the rest of them still. If i won the lottery? I'd pack it all up throw it in storage, and go sit on a beach somewhere and watch the waves roll in. Then go camp in a forest, wander a mountaintop, and try to find what I lost...peace. Sorry.. I know this isn't about me..but there's alone and there's alone, is what I'm trying to say, I guess. Today is just one of those days..when it seems my life has been filled with mistakes, and time is so heavy....probably because every breath hurts, and every movement reminds me that falling down hurts more now than when i was younger. My dog and i are going to go wander out in the chilly fall woods for awhile. It'll clear my head, and she, at least, will stay with me ..because she's a good dog. There's one concrete..where i go..so does she.

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Well, SG you have alot of support coming your way. Be carefull in all that you do and make wise choices. The path is different for all of us and it takes some longer to figure it out than others. Actually if I could just rid myself of all attachments and hop on the MC and just go and where I end up would be the place. I am not a big city person and it would make me cringe to end up in that sort of place...eek! :) But, there is a path for you!

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OOPs! I posted my last before I read your most recent. But your post reminds me of what I experienced recently. I noticed that alot of support was given to someone that really needed extra help. I respected their position, but what bothered me was that when I needed help no one was around to give that extra hand. For real, these last 2 plus years when I needed some extra help no one was around to ask. It sort of hit me right in the head. I suppose some of us can grunt through these times as we may be stronger than most in these situations. That is a good thing! Our loved ones gave us that much. I just got back from my walk with the canine! He is getting up slowly nowadays and I can see his hind end is not as strong, but he does not care as he is happy to be running around. A good hug and scratch and he is happy! Hope you enjoy your fall walk! Hang in there!

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Silvergirl61

Sorry.. my walk did clear my head..it's quite nice and chilly out there today. :) I'm just feeling sorry for myself again, I guess. I hate being injured and needing help, and always hearing all the excuses for not having the manners to let me know they aren't coming is starting to get very tiresome. Tink and i rambled along for a few miles, then came home in the dark, to our little house. It's not perfect..but at least it was better than sitting here whining all day, like it would help either.! I do appreciate y'all listening though-it keeps me from talking to myself all the time, ( That's not always an intelligent conversation.)

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oh SG, its so hard to be alone isnt it?

I was reading thru today, just to keep up with whats happening and i came across on this post, and thread. Weird because they encapsulate what i have been feeling with incredible strength the last few weeks (and one of the reasons i felt i had to take some time out), but then, that has a tendency to happen here i guess. Its a mirror for our ups and downs. i sit at the computer sometimes, looking at all the people on FB for example.......all "friends".....and ya know, not a one bothers to message me. Some might say, well, YOU reach out to them. And i have....only to be ignored, or fobbed off. Yes i understand people have issues in their own lives, but would it hurt to just say hi? who knows. I was never a people person, and was always content with my own company, so this sudden need has thrown me a bit. That was before i met Alex tho. Id never had someone around me all the time before, certainly never someone who i got along with, and i suppose i got used to it. The silence now is deafening, and it might sound melodramatic, but inside i can feel a part of me shriveling away from lonliness, like a seedling that doesnt get enough sunlight. i dont know how much of that is just depression talking, but i do know that we all need human contact and its horrific the way that many of us dont get it. I suspect its fear that keeps people away. No one wants to be reminded that it might be them, but sometimes i wonder if i didnt die as well and no one bothered to tell me. I hope we can all find some measure of peace, and also that those around us wake up and realise that WE are still here, even if our loved ones are gone.

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Silvergirl61

I was a real uber-whiner yesterday. Sorry.. Sometimes I just get tired and thanks for letting me vent. .

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Nah. The reason the post caught my eye was that it captured how id been feeling so well. You really have a gift Silver, for putting things down in a way that makes sense of things that are very hard to articulate. A little self indulgence now and then isnt a bad thing, and loneliness is something that a lot of us are facing, sometimes for the first time, sometimes as an old nemesis. Its good to hear someone actually say it out loud (in a manner of speaking)

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this is my 3rd year, also. still missing my husband of 36 years - it doesn't get easier, i've learned how to tolerate the pain and accept it, but my heart will always have a big hole. still trying to adjust to this new life (first time ever living alone), always having ups/downs, moving forward then back.

i'm trying mindfulness meditation, learning to be more in-the-moment, to not hang on too tightly to the past. trying to find that balance is a challenge.....of who you were, who are are now, who you want to become.

shortly before my husband's 1 yr death anniversary, i moved from my 4 br. home of 23 years (raised 3 kids there) and into a 1 br. condo, about 10 miles away - still had familiarity of the area but with the newness of another city. it was one of the best decisions i've made since he died - house had too many memories, everywhere i saw my husband (he loved our house).

i've kept some of our furniture and have many memories when i look at each piece, how we shopped in different stores looking for just the right one for our house. but, being in a new environment has helped me a lot - my condo is all my own, and i'm trying to make new memories there in this new life....it isn't easy, though. still taking baby steps along the way, falling down, trying to get back up, trying to live life with this big hole in my heart, trying to live in the moment, not cling to the past.

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Faith, yesterday, before I read your post I was thinking about the "abandonment" of my "circle of friends" if you want to call them that. Just a phone call or an email is all that is/was required up to this point. I told myself that when I get to a point, whenever that will be, I will just not look back and discard them as easily as they did me. It still fascinates me that with email it is easy to slip a quick note of some sort or even a note on the answering machine. Even a cousin just slipped away. Too get a response I have to email them. A little reach out or quick convo or sandwich or something would be nice.

My two neighbors that lost their spouses - one of 30 yrs and one of 47 yrs - have sold and moved onto something new. One became a nanny to his new grand child and the other was frightful of dying in her house all alone so she moved into a community of sorts. I was married for 19 yrs and younger than both, which makes the future less desirable, so dumping the old and going for new friends might be the answer for me. Another aquaintence lost his wife of 30 yrs and within a few months he was kissing someone new. He said he wrote down what he wanted and that he found a new one. A relative was holding hands at Thanksgiving a year ago with someone new after his wife of 45 years passed several months before. The cousins, children, etc. were shocked. That is not the replacement that I want in my life.

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i can definitely relate to the "what the hell is so hard about just saying hi" feeling. I think ive said before that im a bit stunned by the fact that NO one out of my so called "friend" list on FB even bothers to message me most of the time......every now and then i get an apologetic message about why one particular person cant just be buggered to spend 5 mins talking to me. As you can imagine this does wonders for my self esteem, tho ive decided that if thats what they want to do then thats ok.......its not my choice its theirs. But i have to wonder what takes their place, and there i have no answers. Sometimes i think tho that we have to let things go when they no longer help us, but that doesnt give you much in the way of guidance in finding something to replace that thing. I guess its silly to expect those around us to care...to understand, but what can i say? im an optomist LOL......Im just so tired of having to meet people half way.....and lets be honest here....we DONT meet them halfway.....we come a damn sight further than half way to try to connect.....it makes me very angry that often this isnt appreciated.

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Maybe we deal with the past, the passing or the could have been. Our cycle of life has stopped in time and there is a snapshot to look at. The rest are playing to the now, real life and living. What I mean to say is that the tie that binds is the living in a sense that there was the now and the future in our relationships with our "friends" and when the "past or death" creeps into our "circle" we as a group do not deal with it very well. It is too close for us to and we as a group give a quip and a 5 min response and move on.

I had "friends" that owned a store or worked as a baker or an engineer or were cousins thru the marriage or coworkers thru a job or mutual friends thru my wife or neighbor friend thru the wife or an associate thru the brother-in-law and now the tie to them, my wife, is gone and now they are gone. That 5 min interaction which I may have thought was something was nothing and now our 5 min connection is goine. We do not even get the 5 min response anymore. There was really no true "tie that binds" or true foundation in our friendly relationship.

All of this makes me wonder about the next group of friends that I will encounter and how disingenuous they might be or not. I like the idea of truely starting over that some have suggested or even have done already. The tie to the past is death , 5 min, and the tie to the future, eternity, is hope, faith and charity in some sense.

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I have always lived by this:

True friends are like diamonds,

precious, but rare.

False friends are like Autumn

leaves found everywhere."

I can count my true friends with the fingers of one hand. They are indeed few and very precious. I know that with my best friend, she has a hard time when I'm really upset because she just doesn't know what to do for me or what to say. And sometimes she gets the idea that I just want to be left alone. I had to reach out to her and tell her that wasn't the case at all, that I need contact with somebody, anybody. I know it breaks her heart to hear me cry for my lost love.

I think that many of the people who pull away aren't so much pulling away as they are giving us the space they think we need?? Words to an old song come to mind: "How do you mend a broken heart? How do you stop the rain from coming down? How do you stop the sun from shining? What makes the world go around? How can you mend this broken man? How can a loser ever win? Please help me mend this broken heart and let me live again."

The people who love us can sense the depth of our grief and I really don't think they know what to say, so they do the human thing and say nothing. And we continue to fall into the darkness of grief.

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Well then, my best friend is gone and there are no best friends down here to hang with. They were just acquaintances. Just came back from a long walk in the woods with the canine. Bright clear blue skies and the smell of leaves in the air. The fall has been a wet one so far. It is so nice to have the tree removed from near the house; it lets the sun in and brightens the great room. Still very tough at this time and was hoping that the rough times had passed.

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loss is so deep that those who haven't experience it yet don't truly understand. like HJ, i believe some just don't know what to say, how to act, react, or interact with you. i've learned that dynamics change for everyone, among you, your friends, and family.

my best friend since kindergarten hasn't called me in over a year, and even my own adult kids (who i thought would always be there for me) didn't even give me a phone call when i moved to my condo. i could've fallen down the stairs, etc....and they wouldn't have known. i've been so disappointed, hurt, and alone.

in the case of my kids, someone advised me that my kids were not accustomed to looking out for mother, that the roles are now reversed.....everyone is adjusting to the newness, different roles, different dynamics, things are not the way they were from the past. this made sense to me. from then on, i tried to concentrate on myself and on my new role as a single person instead of a couple, to not expect too much from or rely on others, especially since others may still be adjusting, too. this lessened my hurt and disappointment.

someone also told me that although your physical relationship with your loved one ended, it is a different relationship that is spiritual now, so this has helped me, knowing that my love is forever in my heart and soul, and our relationship is alive in that sense.

FY, i think it'll always be rough times because your heart is broken, but i believe we can still have moments of joy by living in the now, just like your walk in the woods, smelling the leaves, fresh air, seeing blue skies, and doing the best we can now.

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