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feeling over whelmed, helpless, and hopeless


Kelly

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After 15 months of caregiving, 24/7. for 90 year old mom with multiple medical problems, I sometimes feel like I can not go on. Her condition is worsening, can not communicate, walk, see, or do anything for herself now.  I get so angry, I have trouble controlling it. I am frustrated and depressed a lot of the time.  Have had 4 weekends off in this time and it cost a fortune.  I can not lift her totally and am having trouble with transfers.  I know she is trying and  it is not her fault, but man I am at wits end.  Some suggestions for calming myself and not taking it out on her would be appreciated.  Has anyone been through this?  :? Thanks

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It's hard sometimes, I understand, what I do is that I try to remember myself that once I was a baby that gave my parents very rough time and now it's my time to care for them.  Yet is not easy, try to relax by taking time for yourself.  Is hospice care a possibility to help you out?

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Thanks for the reply.  We are not ready for hospice yet. Her body is still working and her mind does on occasion. I have trouble getting time to myself.  She is very insecure and gets upset when I am out of her sight.  She will call me and then not have a reason, or cannot articulate one.  Hard to get all the chores done. I can handle the physical stuff okay, but the dementia is very difficulte for me to deal with. I feel like I do not exist any more.  I know it is temporary and I will be stronger for it, but I sure get frustrated with the situation.:?

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It's indeed a very difficult situation as I think dementia is more difficult to handle than as you say the physical stuff.  I too feel like you sometimes, like I don't exist, like I want to be entirely happy and worry only about my own stuff for one second, like I don't have a break.

Hold it tight, I keep you in my thoughts, keep in touch, I have realized talking here and making a follow up of my dad's journey has helped me empty myself....

Many hugs

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Thanks for asking. I am doing okay.  Not happy with myself.  Communication is so difficult I am exasperated a lot.  Mom is having trouble standing, so tranfers have become more difficult too. Have to tell her to "hold on" "put your foot down", like every single time we transfer.  My hope is that her short term memory is so bad, she does not remember how unpleasant I am! :) 

 

How about you?  Are you still care giving your dad?

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chipmonk,

I just read your post and I can relate with what you are going through with the caretaking of your mom.  My mom is 86 and is declining both physically and mentally on a daily basis.  My dad died about 18 months ago at the age of 87.  They were married for 62 years.  My mom is in a assisted living facility but I still visit her daily after working an 8 hour day.  I help her go to the bathroom, get her ready for bed, do her laundry etc.  She hates to see my leave her at night and I am filled with guilt. I get frustrated at times but I know it is not her fault.   It is so difficult to watch this strong articulate woman have such difficulty getting her words out, remembering my name and remembering her own name at times.  She has become so child like I have to tell her to wash her hands after going to the bathroom.  By the time I get home at night I am so exhausted but I have to keep going.  If I take a day or weekend off without going to see her I feel guilty.  Even though she is in a care facility, I dont think she is getting the care she needs as that is their job and they dont know her or love her the way I do. 

I know there will come a day when I will drive by and she will not be there anymore and I would give anything to be able to stop and see her.  Still my own self care has been difficult and I have a husband and two grown children that need me too. 

I look at old pictures and grieve for the woman she used to be and the mother she was once to me. 

Just thought I would share my story.  Please take care of yourself.  To the others on this site too, please take care of yourself.  This site was a lifesaver to me following the death of my dad.  I hope you find comfort here in the sharing of others. 

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Thank you for sharing your story.  My mom's struggle ended last week, when she died on May 28, 2008.  Now I am feeling all the pain of the loss.  While my hard work is over, I wish I had it back and still had her.  All the feelings we have are normal and my friends are very supportive.  Of course it is a blessing that she no longer has to try deal with all the frustrations of trying to talk, walk, eat, etc.  She died in her sleep, in her own bed, without medical intervention or pain...none of us could ask for more.  I miss her so much.

There is guilt, that I did not do enough; that I was too impatient; that I tried to get her to do things for herself - that I realize now she could not do.  I also know that I did the very best I could and that she had better care with me than she would have any place else. We had her last 15 months together, I will always treasure that memory.  I gave of myself, as you are doing.  I wish to believe, they do not remember the bad times, only the good, as we should too.

When you feel impatient or frustrated, take a deep breathe, calm yourself, and know she is doing the best she can.  Hug her a lot and tell her you love her, she will understand you are doing the best you can too.  Your presence in the facility will help your mom get better care, they are very cautious of family scrutiny.  Make your objections known.  If you are  paying for care she is not getting, tell them.  You must take time to decompress, your mom may not even realize time has passed.  GIve yourself breaks or you will harm yourself, that would help no one. I am sure you have heard all this before.

This has been the most difficult time in my entire life, but the caring I gave and that my mom recieved bonded us to the end of both our lives.  You are stronger for having cared.  I admire and respect you for your sacrifice.  Be happy you can give your mom whatever time you can.

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chipmonk,

I am so sorry for your loss but what a blessing for your mom to go so peacefully.  It sounds like the two of you had a special bond.  How blessed she was to have you as her caregiver. 

I think the guilt feelings are human reactions to the loss of a loved one.  I know how bad I felt after my dad died 18 months ago. I blamed myself for being too hard on him when he didn't follow drs. orders. It sounds like you did everything possible to give your mom the best care she could have.  I am glad you have a good support system with friends that care.  The grief is new to you so allow yourself to ride the waves of emotions as they come.  And please take care of yourself. 

Thank you for your response and words of encouragement even at your time of grief. 

I will cherish every moment I have with my mom and try to be more patient while at the same time being kind to myself.

Kathy

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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