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My daughter's death is complicated and why do people not care?


ShandasMom

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My daughter drown on July 6, 2013 and there were very unusual circumstances around her death. She was a confidential informant to the local police so they did not investigate her death as well as what they should have. I am continuing my search for the truth and accountability.

I am an active member and poster on Facebook with lots of friends, but my question (initially) is WHY don't my friends acknowledge ANY post that I put up relating to my daughter's death Or the ongoing investigation (by myself). Just at the time I need the most support no one will step up.

Is it because they just don't know what to say? They don't believe me? They don't want to take the time or trouble to help me and support in my quest for the truth? I don't get it....

I can put a post up about anything else - a pork roast, mowing the lawn, checking into a lunch restaurant ANYTHING and they will either LIKE or comment, but oh my Lord - just let me post something about my battle and they are NOWHERE to be found...

What is that? Do I get mad at them, or cut them slack for being stupid?

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I really believe that people don't know what to say. I think they are at a loss as to what to say about you daughter's death let alone comment on any suspicious circumstances. I know this must leave you feeling angry and frustrated with them and from what I have read that anger, immense and overwhelming anger, is a part of the grieving process. Another thing I have read is that one of the ways we try and work our way through this awful grieve is to focus on something intensely. Perhaps your quest for answers is the way you are coping with your terrible loss.

I lost my son in December to liver failure and pancreatitis. At first I wanted to find the people that fed him alcohol when he was so sick, but I realized that none of that was going to make my son come back to me. I have no fight in me. People just go at this differently and there is no right or wrong. I am so sorry about your tragedy and I hope you find peace.

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Christy D 1107 - okay I will got with what you are saying. I believe you.

What you say is the only thing that makes possible sense to me at this point. I just don't get it. I am a smart person, but don't understand why all my friends that have SO much to offer have abandoned me now - at my greatest time of need.....?

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

First to both Shandas Mom and Christy D, I am so sorry for your loss of your dear children...

For myself, I have found the best source of help and understanding will come from those who have suffered child loss also...there may be a few good friends or relatives that come forward...but most people just do not have a comprehension of what the grief journey is like...

One very good resource on the web I have found is Carol Kearns who was a grief counsellor for many years...she lost a daughter herself and was mentored by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross...here is the link to her site, her complete story is there:

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/overview.html

Also, there are a group of mostly moms that meet under the Loss of an Adult Child thread...it is usually the first thread listed under the Loss of a Child section...some very wonderful people post there...

May you rest in His peace....prayers for you both....

Jesse David's Mom

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Thanks Laurie, I found Carol's book and I agree it was really helpful. You are right, no one but parents who have lost a chil gets this indescribable pain. I often say that I feel like I am sitting outside of a house with a happy family and I am just watching them. They go on about their life and I just watch. There is no connection. It is such a hollow feeling. People do care, but it is hard for them to ask because then they see a flash of pain so raw that it frightens them because what would they do if it happened to them. Hang in there Shandas's mom and keep coming back here. I just started following this forum and I already feel like I have found people who are going to be goog guides.

Laurie, I am so sorry for your loss of your son Jesse David. Thanks for being there. Christy

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At a time when we most need support we often find that people that we thought we could count on walk away. It only magnifies the already overwhelming pain we are experiencing in our loss. After almost four years I am a very different person then I was at the beginning. I read posts today and see so many similar feelings that I too experienced at the beginning. The need to run from a store at the site of an all too familiar product, or the sound of a much loved song that triggers memories. I can't speak for why others let us down. I do know that I have found that I had to withdraw from several people that I have known for years due to a need to protect myself from thoughtless comments. I do not need to be told that I make them feel guilty by the sight of me. That they are uncomfortable knowing my son is dead when they are gathering for a family celebration. I have said this many times before, but when you are in this situation it is time to look outside of your old world and start to look for new friends. People that do care and prove it by their actions. Unfortunately it is not possible to teach a person compassion. It comes from within. Their own life experiences perhaps will bring them to a point of greater empathy. I simply do not have time to wait for that. Life is for living and time is short. That is their journey not mine. I'm not so sure they actually do not care. They are just far to self absorbed. Hope you will take good care of yourself and allow yourself a time to heal properly. Kate

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