Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Beefcheeks

Emotional bashing of the griefstricken: Does anyone ever talk about this?

Recommended Posts

Hi,

I have a question that I've been struggling to find the answer to for years; maybe someone can help.

Some years ago, my father --- who I counted as one of my best friends --- was involved in a car accident; he lingered for a week and after that, when he showed no signs of brain function, I had to remove him from life support. It was horrible, tragic, and the worst time of my life.

During that week, a cousin of mine --- who I also counted as one of my best friends --- began to be horribly, shockingly emotionally abusive to me, even as I was griefstricken. She was ostensibly very "helpful:" she helped me organize the funeral (while my father was still alive), found a great doctor for my stepmom, who was in the car at t he time of the accident, and these good actions are what she hangs her hat on. In fact, there were things that she did that were shocking in their cruelty: she refused to let me have my father's obit --- the only copy from the newspaper, which came to her house the morning of the funeral --- until I begged her for it. She told me and my spouse to go back to our home and have a shiva (we're Jews) on our own, away from the rest of the family. And a year later, I found out that she bought up all the plots around my father's grave, so I can't be buried with my family when my time comes.

Over the years, I've asked her to talk about it, and she dismisses me and sees nothing wrong in her actions. This has result in the memory of my father's last days being clouded in anger over my cousin's cruel actions. And over the years, she's painted me to be the ungrateful one.

So here's my question: does anyone ever talk about people who emotionally abuse the griefstricken? Who kick us when we're at our worst? Why does this happen? My cousin's sister died when she (my cousin) was a child and my father once told me, years ago, that she "never grieved sufficiently" and actually asked for her sister's room right after her death. So, I'm stuck: I want to feel compassion for her limitations and emotional stunting, but I can't. All I can think of is how horrible she was to me when my father died, and how sad and angry he would have been at her treatment of me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
widower2   

Yes, such things are talked about and wondered about quite a lot - including here, so feel free to discuss/vent/etc. I'm sorry you have had such a hard time with your warped cousin (sorry but it's the most accurate term I can think of). I know this is easier said than done, but try not to let her twisted and cruel ways bring you down. Personally I have little patience for such a person.

As for the plot, although I know this would be hard on you, is it (legally) possible for you to buy plots elsewhere and have him moved to one of those? Again I realize how hard this might be on you, but the "greater good" of being able to be buried next to him it seems to me would out-weigh this. Plus when your cousin starts pitching a fit, you can give her a dose of her own medicine and dimiss her and say you see nothing wrong with your actions (as frankly it's been my experience that such people don't react well to kindness, but a dose of their own medicine gets their attention rather quickly)....just a thought

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Breezey   

I wish I could tell you why this happens. In the last year and a half I have lost my Mother, Uncle Dick, Aunt Melly, Aunt Naomi, my friend Peggy-57 and most recently after Christmas my best friend of 42 years, 57 from a stroke. After Mom passed I now care for my 87 year old Dad. I also lost my Son,18 and my husband, 55.

 

I'm no stranger to grief but I will tell you to expect the worse in most people. They say and do cruel things that make your pain even worse. I have come to learn that these people are usually about themselves and how dare you be suffering and take the focus off them. They will use you as an emotional "landfill" where they can dump what's not good in their lives. They will use kindness and helping in your darkest hour to gain control so you feel obligated later when they need to come to the landfill.

 

Don't let this woman steal away your last moments with your Dad. I'm sorry she lost a sister but my daughter lost a brother when she was young and doesn't treat people mean. Any words that come out of someone's mouth should uplift the person they are speaking to, if they don't they should never be said.  You need to stop letting her live inside your head rent free. She is not worth you wasting another minute thinking about all this. It keeps you from being present today.

 

You can be buried with your Dad. It will mean being cremated but they can bury your ahses on top. It is cost affective and a way to be with him. My heart knows how you feel. Life is difficult to deal with but it is still precious, it will get better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've just been the victim of this myself Beefcheeks.  I don't understand how people can be so mean when a person is grieving.  I suppose it can be any number of psychological reasons.  I just lost my entire home, all my belongings, and my 10 beloved cats to a house fire December 3rd.  I've been having a really hard time with it and making various posts on facebook to share feelings and thoughts.  I've learned this is a big mistake.  My 2 sisters-in-law, their cousin, and one of the sister's sons immediately pounced on me with my post the day of Christmas eve.  No, don't get any more cats, you're only going to have trouble, maybe I could get one - if I got it fixed (I always fixed my cats and took exceptional care of them), etc.  I was told I was a hoarder.  It was unhealthy.  And pretty much just never get any more cats.  I'm an animal lover and especially of cats.  This is the first time since I was a fourth-grader - I'm 42 now - that I've not had a cat in my life at all.  The thought of carrying on without any is just unthinkable, and I even think having one around would be a great help to me.  I was appalled and told them off after almost having a panic attack first.  They ended up removing their comments, and one of the sisters unfriended me.  This was about 3 weeks after the event.  This past Saturday I made a post about grieving because I had just ordered a book about it, and this time my sister-in-law who lives here near us sent me a message that ended up very vindictive but started out as trying to help.  She again told me I was a cat hoarder who needed help, my house was "nasty," and my husband couldn't keep up with the mortgage because of all the vet trips (totally untrue - I paid for all but the last vet trip before this happened myself with money gifts and from selling personal items to add money to my vet jar for future trips.  I don't work, either.  I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I paid for each trip.)  Finally she added that I could tell everyone on facebook, she didn't care.  I didn't.  I tried to ignore it but was very upset, but I finally did want to let her know that I paid for the trips myself.  I didn't know where that had come from.  I did mention it on Twitter, and I don't feel badly about it because I only told the truth.  Apparently she had been monitoring my Twitter; and I didn't know it, but she gave herself away by getting angry and sending me another message that I saw when I was going to message her about the vet trips.  "What the crap are you trying to do??  Get pity from facebook and Twitter??  Your house WAS nasty, and never bother me again," and she unfriended me as well.  So now she's the poor victim - as usual.  Her message to me devastated me, just as the first one did.  I cried all day long, as if I'm not grieving enough as it is and just trying to get through each day the best I can.  I felt as if I was being kicked when I was down.  I wonder who else she has told my house was "nasty" to, which evokes horrible images of dirt and grime.  My house wasn't that bad, I promise.  But she says I'm in denial if I say anything in my defense.  I just cleaned my kitchen very well the day before the fire.  The clean dishes are still in the dishwasher on the property as I speak.  (House hasn't been demolished yet - another event I'm taking hard and hasn't even happened yet.)  I'll admit the cats had things torn up like woodwork and carpet; and I was having a problem with spraying because I had 4 male cats, and it was hard to completely get rid of any smell.  I was always spraying odor-removing products and we even bought an air purifier in September.  I thought it was getting better.  I didn't smell it as badly.  I will admit all of that.  But I don't understand why she is seeing the need to throw it up to me now when my home is completely destroyed and I'm grieving the loss of 8 cats and looking every day for 2 that may or may not still be alive and may or may not have escaped.  There's no need now.  I just see it as cruelty.  Like you Beefcheeks, I know she's had hard things to deal with herself.  She is bipolar; and I try to understand her side, but right now I just don't want anything at all to do with her or her sisters.  I think you're right Breezey, the grief is stealing their limelight.  I can see this.  What a person needs when grieving are kind words and compassion.  What you say is exactly right.  If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
amsosad   

This is a topic people do not seem to address which is tragic for the one suffering.  My husband and daughter were killed in an auto accident.  Following that were many other losses.  It amazes me at the genuine kindness of some and also the oppressive and wounding behavior of others. I have been so concerned about this and how those that are suffering are taken advantage of that I just recently wrote a book (I'm Suffering... Please Help Me: Learning to Care for the Alone and Hurting) to help the one suffering and to guard the one suffering from the terrible abuses that sometimes happen. There seems to be something in the nature of some that thrives on the weakness and suffering of others.  Sadly, this often happens to those who are the most isolated in their pain. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

s. Its funny cause when you are already down people just bash on you. You need to let go trying to figure out your cousin. Sometimes we don't always get the answer. But remember the hood about your dad. Live for you and spouse. Make your own plans cause your father would want you to live life and not worry what people think.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×