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Need help with grieving husband...


rosenose

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A couple days shy of a month ago my 33 year old cousin in-law was killed in a motorcycle accident. My husband (24) and I (28) have been married 4 and a half years and in the past 5-6 yrs, his cousin had become the closest thing I will ever have to a big brother. He and my husband were closer than close. They were pretty much one person. He was 8 years older than my husband and around more than my husband's father ever was. He was his cousin, brother, best friend, role model, teacher, guide, soul mate...while I am having great difficulty coping with the loss, my husband's pain must be unimaginable. I feel like I have lost half of my husband. I will never stop missing my lost big brother, and probably won't ever stop crying for him.

I have been trying desperately to be as strong as I can for him and the kids. I don;t show my pain very frequently in front of them. While my hurt is almost unbearable, my husband's must be worse 100 fold.

For the first week or so, in my husband's eyes, I was wonderful, supportive, the only thing he had left. We were going to last forever because if he lost me too he would never recover. I held him close, and he held me back. It has only gone downhill from there. The last week has been almost intolerable. I can do or say no right, he barely looks at me let alone touches me, everything turns into an argument, he snaps at me over nothing, he's frustrated with me constantly...

Today he left saying he needed space and that he needed to be alone. He "doesn't want to leave, but just cannot live with" me anymore so he "has to go"...he is not here tonight, didnt go to work today, I don;t know if he will be back tomrrow night. My guess is he won't be gone long...he never has been when we have "separated", but I just don't want him to come back and start over with this same stuff. It is not fair.

I know he is hurting, but why must all of his anger, frustration, everything be placed on me? I'm trying SO hard to be there for him. Leave him alone when he wants to be, help with whatever he needs, help his family with anything they need, be as supportive as I can be. Little things that used to roll off his back make him explode at me. I'm beginning to feel like an emotional punching bag. I love him dearly. My biggest worry is that since he is so lost n the world and in his own mind right now and in such a "F___ the world and everyone/thing it" state that he will just get sucked into a deep dark place he won;t have the strength to pull himself out of.

I need advice. I need help knowing how to cope with his emotions, how to help him cope with his, how to cope with and work through my own pain while constantly trying to be the helper to everyone else. I cannot loose him. I don;t want to...and I know in his heart of hearts he doesn't want to loose me either. I need help though. I don;t know how to help him. Or myself.

All I keep thinking is that my beloved lost 'big brother' is looking down on us yelling "GET IT TOGETHER!!! Are you really going to destroy the beautiful thing you two have because you are sad about ME?!? Get a grip before you run so far away you can't come back. Please. Love each other as much as I love you both."

Please...any advice is welcomed..I cannot loose both of my most important men n my life inside of a couple months time..I don't know that I could come back from that

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Rosenose, First off, I am sorry about the loss of "big brother." Your husband is obviously going through the roller coaster ride of emotional turmoil that is very normal in grieving. Do you and your husband talk about how he is feeling? Perhaps you may want to check out a grief and loss support group or a counselor to get some professional advice. This is always a tough situation, and it's hard to know exactly how to deal with this. Has he taken off before when he is emotionally upset and needs space? What does he do? Perhaps you should show your pain--because holding it in and hiding it isn't helping anyone. It's not a weakness to show love and grieve when you lose someone you love. Maybe he thinks you are not in pain? Does he feel you are smothering him with attention? We will be here to listen--ModKonnie

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