4 1/2 months, and starting to adjust

[LizzyW]

Besides the emotional pain of losing your husband/wife/partner/ fiancée, I think I am seeing that another huge obstacle is in the adjusting from "us" to "I", and getting used to how abnormal that feels to think or say. I constantly find myself still referring to this house as "ours", rather than mine, or still speaking as if we are both still here running the household and living our lives. I catch myself saying things in reference to what Mike may have said or done, in present tense, and not past tense. That is extremely difficult to change in my experience so far.

I think I am adjusting somewhat, and am more often able to talk about my house, or my plans, etc, and I think that's a positive sign. I am getting to the point that I can talk about him to my friends and family without breaking down and crying. I went through two months where I could not cry at all, after spending the entire first month in tears. Now that the tears can once again flow, I am finding that the tears are more along the lines of a fond and sweet memory, rather than the stark pain that I felt at first.

The loneliness is really hard to adjust to. I was so used to having someone around who liked to talk and talk and talk. I am a quiet person by nature, and I miss the noise and the enthusiasm of my husband, eventhough there were times when it drove me nuts, lol. I still go through the memories over and over, especially of the last months when he was feeling so bad, and there is still some anger over the fact that he wouldn't go to a doctor and see what in the heck was going on with him, but I realize that that is just the man he was. He was a fighter, and self-reliant, and he was determined to go on in spite of how bad he felt. It was one of the things about him that I loved so. It just hurts like hell that it's also what likely brought on his death, but I loved him anyway, and it's something that I have to live with.

I am finally able to get a night's sleep without awakening off and on all night. I think I am coming to some peace with his loss. I still have a long way to go, and there will likely be more rough patches coming in my future, but overall, I think I am starting to adjust.

One of my purposes in writing this is to let those of us who are still in the very first stages know that it isn't always an extreme state of despair. It isn't easy at all, but we can do it, as millions of others have done it before us, and millions of others will go through after us. We will never forget the one we lost, and it will always hurt, but maybe it's possible to go forward until our own time comes to leave our earthly lives, carrying our lost one in our hearts and in our minds. I know that if I had died before him, I would not want his entire life remaining to be miserable and falling apart at the seams. I would want the man that I loved to try and find happiness again, and to live up to his potential while he was still here.

[Guest]

Well said Lizzy. I think that you are slightly ahead of me, but a lot of what you say sounds like my story.

[catz]

i can def relate to that Lizzy. And i agree that its important that those who are in those horrible first few days and weeks know that there IS a light.....that they wont always feel like their world is over, that the desperation isnt permanent. It will always hurt i think, and some things will always make me cry, but like you, i know that Alex would kick my butt if he thought i was gonna be like this forever.I miss him terribly and i aways will, but im here and i have to live i guess. If that sounds a little less than certain its cos some days i AM less than certain........but thats better than thinking that all the time which is what i WAS doing.

[needy]

Yes, Lizzy I totally agree on the "us" to "I", that took me a very long time to adjust too. Still hate the word "widow", not sure if I will ever adjust to it. Adjusting to the new "me" does take some time, I know for me it has been especially true. My world revolved around work and my family, basically that has been it for 23 years. Now I am doing some stuff just for me and I am starting to like it!!

[OldGeek]

Lizzy, I'm happy to hear that you are starting to crawl out of the dark place. We are probably at a similar place in our acceptance and recovery, but I expect we will both have may relapses as time goes by, but each time coming back a little stronger. The sunny days are starting to exceed the cloudy days for me, and it feels good to hold my head high, stare life in the face and be part of the human race again some days.

Thanks for sharing this.