Lost my dad today

[missdewey]

I'm a new member. I read an article about the importance of finding support groups and I heard about grieving.com and thought I would give it a try. I'm an introvert and I struggle with expressing my emotions verbally sometimes, but I'm very adept at expressing myself through writing so this is an ideal platform for me.

My dad passed away this morning at 8:17am. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer back in November, and fought a very admirable battle against the disease for 9 months before his body began to shut down this month in September. Eventually, his liver and kidneys failed, and we spent the night at the hospital to keep watch. Around 7am, we were told his blood pressure was dangerously low and that he was expected to pass within the hour. I felt sick to my stomach (literally) and tried to vomit in the restroom but nothing came up. I was conflicted about being in the room when the moment happened or waiting outside. I've struggled with anxiety attacks in the past, and I was concerned that such an emotionally charged and stressful moment might cause me to pass out (as I've done in other highly stressful situations). Somehow, I managed to stay in the room. We had about 10+ family members gathered and we sat around the hospital bed, said our goodbyes, prayed, and played worship music as we 'sent off' my dad to heaven. In his last moments, I was at his side, stroking his hand and whispering into his ear, "Everything's okay. We're going to be all right. You can let go now. Go in peace." And his heart rate, which had been gradually decreasing overnight, plummeted to 0 immediately.

It's this moment that I keep revisiting and that brings me sadness. It's the knowledge that I was there when his heart stopped, that the 0 signified his death...and it brings me anguish. It's hard to describe. I keep seeing it in slow motion in my head. I keep replaying it over and over and I don't know why. And I keep repeating what I said as soon as I saw that 0, which was "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God" as I found my way into a chair, shakily sat down, and then wept over his body.

I guess my question is...how can I stop myself from revisiting the memory? And if I can't, how can I change its meaning so that it doesn't bring me anguish anymore...? How can I reinterpret it to possibly bring me peace instead? Maybe those who've been at a loved one's death bed could help me in dealing with this because it was definitely extremely challenging for me. I hadn't planned on being there to witness the moment and as it turned out, I ended up being the one who was holding my dad's hand, standing closest to him, and whispering the last words he'd hear before he left this life. The thought of all of this feels so heavy to me. Significant, memorable, and a privilege of course... but still heavy. And I'm not sure what to make of it yet but right now I do know that replaying it in my mind is hurting. I don't necessarily want to forget about the moment, I just want it to bring a different emotion.

And what are some healthy ways to grieve? I've been crying whenever I feel led to, and I've decided to start a scrapbook as I go through the grieving process to memorialize my dad. Once I no longer feel a need to add new pages, I think I'll know that I've graduated from the gut-wrenching part of the process. Any other ideas?

Thank you so much, and please keep me in your prayers.

[dlionsfan901]

Wow, I am so sorry about your loss. Our stories are very similar. I lost my father 4 days ago and it he died in a similar fashion. My father battled Stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma for 3 and half years and was 56 years old. I loved him so much. His fever went up to 104 and his blood pressure decreased. His oxygen decreased as well because his cancer hit his liver and his kidneys shut down as well. I didn't get to see his last breath because I got stuck in traffic leaving school. I'm new to this grieving as well but I can tell you that surrounding yourself with family is the best thing to do. I keep thinking to myself that he was suffering as well and that he is in a better place. I also find looking at a picture of him helps me feel comfortable. This all sounds so simple but it actually works. I do cry often and I do not know if I am in still in shock or if it actually hasn't hit me yet. Again I'm sorry about your loss and I wish I could help more.

Brian

[MissuDad]

Hello to both of you and really sorry for your losses

You are both in early grief stages and probably still in shock, grief is a long and hard journey and from my experience there´s no right or wrong ways to grieve, it´s all very personal and each one of us reacts differently.

At first try and focus only on how to manage to get through the next minute/hour/day/month…

Some of the first symptoms eventually disappear and others replace them. Miss, if you have dealt with anxiety before this is time when, after a while, it can come back, I know this from personal experience, so it might help you look out for help, exercise, psychotherapy, yoga and if with time you find hard to get back to your normal life without feeling extremely stressed, there are always soft anxiety pills that will provide some relief.

People who survived grief always say that it gets better with time and even if sometimes you feel better and then awful again, they say it´s all part of the journey, so hang in there.

A big hug to both of you

[LynnMarie2013]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. My daddy fell on Father's day and broke his hip. My husband and I went down to Sebring FL and daddy had surgery July 20. He was in and out of Morphine and didn't really know us. He finally was himself on June 29, 2013 on his 92nd birthday. Then his pain got so bad that we had to take him out of rehab and put him back into the hospital...he developed double pneumonia and died on July 4, 2013. On the night of July 3, 2013 he told mom and I "good-night my beautiful ladies" the next morning the hospital called at 8:15 and mom and I got to the hospital and daddy took his last breath at 9:00 a.m. I was daddy's girl. I miss him so very much. On July 5th mom and I and my husband went to the funeral home and made the arrangements for his cremation. I got to see my daddy for the last time on that day....I remember seeing him, my husband said I was crying so hard and kissing his forehead and rubbing his head and telling him how much I love him (I don't remember that). I celebrated my 64th birthday this past Monday the 16th and it was so depressing, because daddy always called me and sang Happy Birthday.

I wear his watch. I have his picture on my desk top......I miss him.....I will always miss him.....I don't know how long I will grieve.....but I will grieve.....I do my work around the house....do my crafts...but every day I stop and cry.......

I am so very sorry for all of you loosing your dad.....it is so very hard.....my prayers are with all of you......

[Madison Meadows]

I'm a new member. I read an article about the importance of finding support groups and I heard about grieving.com and thought I would give it a try. I'm an introvert and I struggle with expressing my emotions verbally sometimes, but I'm very adept at expressing myself through writing so this is an ideal platform for me.

My dad passed away this morning at 8:17am. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer back in November, and fought a very admirable battle against the disease for 9 months before his body began to shut down this month in September. Eventually, his liver and kidneys failed, and we spent the night at the hospital to keep watch. Around 7am, we were told his blood pressure was dangerously low and that he was expected to pass within the hour. I felt sick to my stomach (literally) and tried to vomit in the restroom but nothing came up. I was conflicted about being in the room when the moment happened or waiting outside. I've struggled with anxiety attacks in the past, and I was concerned that such an emotionally charged and stressful moment might cause me to pass out (as I've done in other highly stressful situations). Somehow, I managed to stay in the room. We had about 10+ family members gathered and we sat around the hospital bed, said our goodbyes, prayed, and played worship music as we 'sent off' my dad to heaven. In his last moments, I was at his side, stroking his hand and whispering into his ear, "Everything's okay. We're going to be all right. You can let go now. Go in peace." And his heart rate, which had been gradually decreasing overnight, plummeted to 0 immediately.

It's this moment that I keep revisiting and that brings me sadness. It's the knowledge that I was there when his heart stopped, that the 0 signified his death...and it brings me anguish. It's hard to describe. I keep seeing it in slow motion in my head. I keep replaying it over and over and I don't know why. And I keep repeating what I said as soon as I saw that 0, which was "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God" as I found my way into a chair, shakily sat down, and then wept over his body.

I guess my question is...how can I stop myself from revisiting the memory? And if I can't, how can I change its meaning so that it doesn't bring me anguish anymore...? How can I reinterpret it to possibly bring me peace instead? Maybe those who've been at a loved one's death bed could help me in dealing with this because it was definitely extremely challenging for me. I hadn't planned on being there to witness the moment and as it turned out, I ended up being the one who was holding my dad's hand, standing closest to him, and whispering the last words he'd hear before he left this life. The thought of all of this feels so heavy to me. Significant, memorable, and a privilege of course... but still heavy. And I'm not sure what to make of it yet but right now I do know that replaying it in my mind is hurting. I don't necessarily want to forget about the moment, I just want it to bring a different emotion.

And what are some healthy ways to grieve? I've been crying whenever I feel led to, and I've decided to start a scrapbook as I go through the grieving process to memorialize my dad. Once I no longer feel a need to add new pages, I think I'll know that I've graduated from the gut-wrenching part of the process. Any other ideas?

Thank you so much, and please keep me in your prayers.

Set time aside each day to be alone to grieve the loss of your father. I like to listen to City of Angels soundtrack to get in touch with my feelings, while thinking about my loved one. Loved ones like to communicate through dreams, so begin writing your dreams in a journal. Your father lives on, just in a different form. Feel open to talk to him as if he's there beside you. He is watching over you and will want to communicate with you. My condolences to you. Madison Meadows

[tryingtoholdon]

I lost my mother August 4th last month. I am still grieving. I understand how you feel because I lost my mother to cancer as well. I keep revisiting those final moments and I am still struggling day by day to keep on functioning. Since her passing, I have been missing her a lot so I bought a journal and write as if I was having conversations with her. I still send her text messages every single day and just letting go of those feelings although left unreplied eases me. I miss her so much and I know that you do too. I hope you will find peace through days to come. May God be with you.

[Tricia_TD]

I'm so sorry for your loss honey. It's not easy losing someone you've known and loved all your life.

I think it's lovely that you were holding your Dad's hand when he passed, as he'll know that he wasn't alone; his little girl was there with him. I remember telling my Dad that I loved him and would miss him, and that Mum and I would be alright, as my husband would take care of us, and I know that that brought him some peace.

It's very early in your grieving process, and I think you've done well so far, in reaching out for support. If you can talk to family members about your Dad, and things that you did together, what he was like, how you miss him; all this will help. I think your idea of a scrapbook is a great idea to help you, and it's something you can, in time, show your children so that they'll know their Grandpa.

I suffer from anxiety too, so understand. You will get through the next few days, weeks and months, not without pain, but you will get there.