Grieving my Estranged Brother

[peanutj]

My little brother stopped speaking to our parents three years ago. He is 17 years old and lives in their house with them. He attends high school and is a straight A student, although the only reason we know that is because the school sends the report card in the mail. His teachers adore him, at least that's what they say at parent teacher conferences.

My brother and I have a pretty substantial age difference - 9 years - so our relationship was never the typical brother/sister situation. I have always felt more like a caregiver to him, which in some ways I think makes this even harder.

He stopped speaking to me last summer, just about a year ago. I miss him so much. I came to visit him for his birthday but he wouldn't see me. I begged and cried and he finally agreed to go with me. We had such a great time! I thought for sure that at least I would be able to maintain communication with him- he and I were always closer than he was with the rest of the family. Unfortunately, that was the last time we spoke face-to-face.

When I came home for Christmas last year, my brother stayed in his room the entire time. That is what he does every time I am there and, according to my mom, every day. If he needs to leave his room, he runs to either the bathroom or the shower and then quickly back to him room again. He has shut the door in my face too many times to count. The reason he is not speaking to my parents is because several years ago, he refused to do a homework assignment in one of his classes. The teacher called a meeting with him and our parents and our parents took the teacher's side. They told my brother he needs to complete his homework whether he thinks it is important or not (it was just a reading log... he had to write a summary of what he read each day... any book of his choosing). My brother was outraged and said there were oppressive adultists. He has not spoken a word to either of them since.

We have tried many things. My parents have apologized, told him they loved him no matter what, said all was forgiven. They've used more drastic measures and took his door off the hinges, threatened to call the cops, actually did call the cops (they didn't do anything), took his computer away, took him to a psychiatrist, talked with counselors, begged to his teachers... nothing helped. My mom writes him family newsletters every week and slips them under his door. He rips them up. She makes a dinner plate for him every night and sets his place at the table. It is so incredibly sad to look at his empty place setting but my mom insists. I used to send him emails every week until he recently deleted his email account. The first time one bounced back it felt like someone punched my soul. The only explanation he's given me is that he thinks I am sharing information about him with mom and dad. It is a tough spot to be in because I love my brother and my parents and I just don't understand why he is punishing them like this. We suspect he may have Aspergers. I am a social worker and have seen similar behaviors in other children on the autism spectrum, but obviously I cannot diagnose him. In fact, no one can because he now refuses to get in the car with any of us. He won't even go to the doctor.

I accept that he doesn't want to talk to our parents anymore and have told him that. I promised him I would not bring up anything about his estrangement or anything else- I just want to be his sister again. He's deleted me on facebook, email, won't answer his door when I knock, rips up notes I leave him... I mean, I just don't know what else to do. I have urged my parents to speak with county mental health services in their area to see if someone can come to the house. The problem is that he is so high functioning, having him ruled mentally unfit/disabled may hurt his chances at being independent. We just have no idea if he is capable of living independently or not. He will be 18 next summer and we are all clueless about his plans.

I apologize for what must seem like a selfish rant in a forum where people have no doubt suffered losses much more painful than mine. I do not pretend to understand the sorrow of experiencing the death of a sibling. I just really, really miss my brother and wish I could be a part of his life. I want to know him. I want to see the type of young man he is growing up to be. I just don't know how to reach him anymore.

All my best to all of you dealing with the sadness of grief.

[ModKonnie]

Peanutj, I honestly do not know what to say to you except for there has to be others who have experienced similar situations. What have the counselors and doctors said? Have they run any tests? Is your brother on any meds? Are you and your parents seeking professional help for your struggles and emotional trauma surrounding this issue? This is heartbreaking for all of you--including your brother. Does he go to school? We can offer you support and encouragement. These forums are not just for losses from death but also losses of all kinds. The loss of a connection between siblings and families is a devastating loss. We will be here for you--ModKonnie

[Angell]

Peanutj, no matter what, please persist in keeping your relationship alive with your brother!

Even if you need to see a psychologist to find out the best approach, it's vital to keep sending notes or gifts, letters, just dealing with light subjects and things that interest him, I would think.

Don't burden him with your neediness for him, since he's still in your parents' home and dealing with issues with them and keeping grades up. Since you stated that you are sort of parentlike with him, keeping your relationship light and fun would seem to be key.

I hope you are able to stay connected with him! Life can be too short.

These are just hunches based on what I think might help you stay in communication with him.

Good luck! 

You are so lucky to have him alive! I know you value him, and that's wonderful!