Am I terrible?

[KatherineK]

My brother was 22 years and 23 days old when he shot himself in his bedroom in my parents home. It is all terrible and horrible and I don't know how to deal with any of it. But one of the thoughts that keeps passing my mind is: am I a terrible person for not wanting to see his body?

I was asked before he was cremated if I wanted to see him one last time, they said he didn't look like himself and to prepare, and I said no. I said a million times no. I never want to see that image, my brother with a bullet hole through his forehead, skin sunken and pale. Not my brother, he was alive and in my mind he is alive and I didn't want that last picture to ever pop up outside of my imagination. I didn't want that image to ever be real. But I feel like I let him down, like I should have gone and seen him that last time, told him it was all okay now and that I was here.

I know that it is stupid, he was gone. I just don't think I'll ever get that thought out of my head. The last time I saw him he was smiling and laughing and playing with one of the cats on the living room floor, and he smiled when I said I was heading home and he said "Okay see yeah, Kate." I wanted that to be my last memory.

Am I terrible for it?

[Karen.Lyn]

Not at all!

When Andy passed, we had a viewing and I wish I hadn't been there. His step daughter insisted and now I can't get the memory out of my head. You're better off remembering the good.

Just my 2¢

Karen

[ModKonnie]

Katherine K, You are not terrible, at all. When my father was dying, two of my brothers could not face it, so they didn't come to see him in his final hours. My sister was really upset at them and thought that was awful, but they wanted to remember Dad in happier times. Really, you are not in the wrong at all. Just remember your brother smiling and playing with the cats. That's sounds like a happy moment you will cherish. --ModKonnie

[phantoms shell]

Part of me wishes I hadn't gone to my sisters viewing, tammy struggled with her weight since she was little. In the last 2 years she lost a lot due to hard work and wanting to be an active mother. She looked great when the lupus took hold of her she put a it back on she didnt even look like her old self. I hated seeing her like that even though we didnt talk I was proud of her for her sake. Keep you happy memory alive forget petty things and be happy in time your brother would want you to live your life not dwell on his loose

[caw]

Not terrible at all - I too was offered the choice to see my sister. Firstly at the morgue a few days after her death, my Mum/Dad and Sisters Husband went. Mum told me that the day she died she was quite purple in colour and that may still be the case and I just couldn't face it - Mum said maybe wait until the chapel of rest in a few weeks time and that her colour would have changed.

So I waited - I am not sure that was best either. The day my family came back from the morgue they said my sister looked peaceful and asleep....The day I went to see her a few days before her cremation and three weeks after she had passed away although her colour looked better - in my opinion she did not look peaceful or asleep. Time had started to have an effect and she looked different to me, I can see her like that every time I close my eyes. I don't regret going as such but it was harder than I ever imagined. I couldn't even look at her for about five minutes then I just sneaked a peek like when your a child looking at something - then I just cried. My mind played tricks on me to - I swear I saw her breath once and her finger move - I could also hear some eerie noise like kids singing or playing in the distance like you see on horror films. In the end I was quite creeped out.

Everyone deals with things differently - my dad for instance saw my sister at the morgue but couldn't face the chapel of rest - followed her coffin into the crematorium but didn't want to come in the car behind the coffin - and couldn't face scattering of the ashes. My mum on the other hand did everything - morgue, chapel of rest more than once - the car - followed coffin in - was there for the ashes.

Very sorry for your family's loss - hold on to your memories as you want them they are what will comfort you!

[sermatinger]

I don't think you're terrible at all. When my brother shot himself my whole family chose to just have him cremated without viewing his body. I used to feel bad about that for a while as well. Like I didn't get to properly say good bye. But it was for the best because I didn't want to see him like that. Then a couple of years later at my sister's funeral we had an open casket and she died of a drug overdose. She just looked pale and not like herself. It made me realize that "no that's not her that's just her shell. She's somewhere else"

Being on both sides of the fence I can tell you either way that it doesn't make grief any better or worse. You're doing just fine. There is nothing terrible about seeing their body or not because its not really them. I hope you find some peace <3

[Jeff's Mom]

It is such a tough call. We long to see them for one last time. When my father died suddenly years ago I was not allowed to see him again. They told me he was not viewable. Whatever that means. I hold close all of the treasured and dear memories that I can from a better time. This is how we would both want it. I also saw my son and quickly determined that he had moved on. He was no longer in this body that I saw before me. I chose to block out that part of the reality of his death and form a decided remembrance of the good times. It came to help me to begin to move forward. We need to go through necessary processes at the time as hard as it is. But in the private of our own home we are faced with the reality of our loss full on. It does take a huge amount of time to find your way. Be patient and keep strong.

[boopsiebee54]

No, it is NOT terrible and NOT wrong to not want to view the remains of your brother. My brother also shot himself. Like stuck a shotgun in his mouth. I was here in Texas. All the rest of the family lives in the Midwest. My oldest sister did view him, surprisingly the mortuary had made him presentable enough for that, but she now wishes she hadn't. He left a widow, who wanted so badly to see him one last time, she is Chinese and the Chinese do NOT commit suicide NOR cremate their dead. Because he left a note expressing his wishes for cremation, that is what happened. He left his poor wife more than $50K in debt, she will lose the house. My oldest sister paid for everything, she said she wanted to becasue she could afford it, and that the rest of us need not worry. I was able to talk my little Chinese sister-in-law into giving up his ashes, because it is not a custom to hang onto them nor to divide them. Her parents happened to be visiting from China when this terrible event took place. My mother was so mean to them at the funeral, she completely ignored Yanmei and her parents. She blames Yanmei for my brother's death. So often there is so much anger that ppl must assign blame upon the innocent, I guess. I think very poorly about my mother now, and do not wish to communicate with her. I had visited my brother three weeks before his death, and called my mom repeatedly becuase I was worried about him. She told me, "I just don't feel like dealing with it right now." The last time I saw my baby brother Tom, I hugged him, and the last thing I said to him was, "It's just NEVER that bad! I LOVE you so much!" and I will carry that in my heart, how tall and handsome he was and how hard he hugged me. His pain was too great, and his debts were closing in, and he saw no way out...He will live in my heart forever, always, and I try to remember all the happy times.