Losing my Grandad.. and in a sense my nan also..

[Annax]

I could sit here and write page after page about how close I was/am to my nan n grandad, They were like 2nd parents for me when my dad left and my mum was left to raise us 3, they took us on holidays they paid for our uniforms, my grandad was my best friend, my hero, and when my son was born he was a rock for me running me to appointments etc and he was my sons hero.. im so glad he got to meet him an spend 3 n a half good years being around my grandad. Even when I came out as gay, I knew I could tell him and he'd still love, I had no fear that he wouldnt still be a huge part of my life. So when he started getting poorly I didnt think twice about helping him n my nan running errands and occasionally cleaning the house just to lift a bit of pressure. Nan was diagnosed with dementia and working in care I saw her slowly slipping away but still she carried on caring for my grandad, eventually I was doing most things for them, nan was struggling and I knew the time was here for a nursing home as Grandad after several stints in hospital had lost most of the use in his legs and struggled to get about. So november came, and they went to this nursing home and I felt guilty I didnt visit as much as I could have only once a week sometimes once a fortnight, I felt so horrible and guilty that I had put them there but I just couldnt look after them as well as work full time and have my son. in March this year a job oppurtunity came up for me to move 200 miles away - my son would be better off he'd be able to see his dad and that side of the family more and id have a little more support to continue working full time, so I went first to speak to him, if he said he didnt want me to go I wouldnt have I felt I needed to stay but I spoke to him and he told me to go.. he told me he had lived his life and it was time to live mine and I shouldnt hang around for him. So with extra pressure I did move.. I called back to the nursing home and to my family to see how they was all the time, 2 weeks id left and i had a phone call - my grandad was refusing his medication I pleaded for them to force him but doctors knew this was the end - within a couple of days he was refusing food and liquids.. I knew it was time I was going to go back down but the next morning 5am my mum called and he had passed away.

I dunno how I carried I dunno how I still am, I think if I didnt have my son id be a mess I thank him for holding me together but I still feel a mess,

I went down for the funeral, and although people was talking about him gone, and I saw my nan and she was broken.. I was in denial.. I still am indenial in a sense. I cried all through the funeral but I wasnt crying because he'd gone because I cant face the fact he has gone I can say it and say it but I cant believe it I was crying for the pain my nan was feeling I could hear her sobs... she was a broken woman 60 years of marriage.. 3 children 6 grandchildren 2 great grandchildren..

Today I went back home to see my nan- shes moved nursing home mum said she keeps trying to escape.. She remembers me.. not my name but she remembers me my son painted her a picture and give it to her and she said c'mon lets show grandad.. I dunno how I held it together I sat her down and told her he was gone, again within 30 minutes she said to me grandad isnt dead is he.. I also told her he was.. my partner was in tears.. I left the building later in bits.. tears streaming down my face.. not for the fact he's gone.. but for the pain she's feeling..

I want nothing more then to grieve Ii feel like im in limbo.. I know im indenial.. and I cant cope!!!

[ModKonnie]

Annax, You actually are doing a great job. Go ahead and cry for the losses you and your family have suffered. How old is Nan? My father-in-law is in a nursing home and keeps trying to escape., He recently thought his wife was in there, but she died years ago. It's very hard to see someone's life energy and vibrancy slip away. How is your mum handling all of this? Do you two talk about it? --ModKonnie

[Annax]

im not close to any of my immediate family aside from my grandparents, I think the fact was they was in a nursing home together I guess she still feels he's there, there is this lady she sits next to and she's always stroking her hair.. im guessing a comfort??

I dunno its hard to see :|