Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Aerdna

Only child Helping Dad Cope with the loss of Mom and trying to deal with my own grief

Recommended Posts

Aerdna   

Mom died August 5, only a couple of weeks after an initial diagnosis of advanced small cell carcinoma. She was only 65. She was admitted to the hospital through the ER on July 17th and never left. Each day leading up to her death felt like a terrible car wreck that would happen each day.

I am an only child and the main support for my father. His world revolved around my mother. We are thankful to have been with my mom when she passed and that she had the opportunity to communicate her love to us, and the few that were closest to her. It is very hard to know that she had to leave and was not ready.

I dont think it has really sunk in that she is no longer with us. I deal with awful visions from the hospital mostly centered around her suffering and guilt for not insisting she be more attentive to taking care of her health sooner.

Right now the hardest part is being the sole support for my father who is devastated. I think this has stopped me from being able to acknowledge my own grief. My dad is completely dependent on us (my husband and i) and unable spend any amount of time alone. I have so much guilt for even feeling overwhelmed about trying to resume my own responsibilities while taking care of dads needs. I can tell that is also very hard on my husband who is trying so hard to be everything for us. Does anyone have a similar situation? Is it too soon to be so concerned about dad? In many ways this tragedy has strengthened a bond between us and I would never want him to feel that he is a burden to me. I have contacted a local bereavement group and hope he will be willing to try it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had a solution for you. I lost my husband a month ago and I feel like a burden on my family even though they try to make me feel I'm not.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aerdna   

Hi Karen, Thank you for your kind reply and I am also so sorry for the loss of your husband. When I try to imagine how I would go on with out my husband I can not. I know the pain my Dad has is much deeper than my own. I am grateful that I can provide some comfort to him and truthfully it would be much worse for me if he were to withdraw from me and the rest of the family. I bet you are not a burden to your family and I hope I did not put that idea in your head. Im not sure how my post may have come across.

It is all still so new.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
kaycee42   

Dear Aerdna

I am so sorry for your loss, your situation is very similar to my experiences. My Mum 70 was diagnosed with cancer and died within 5 weeks leaving my Dad devastated and unable to cope. I was the only one about to help Dad the first 18 months was very hard and my own grief was exaggerated by Dad's. My Dad did not want to continue on in life without Mum, however about the two year mark there was a very big difference in Dad for the better, it just took time patience and a lot of caring however, sadly my Dad died six months later but we did get to have some good times. You know it is early days for both you and Karen especially you. Let your Dad know that you need him and that you are sad too, let him see that you are still his little girl, and that you need him, support each other equally. There will be times when you just want to get on with your life but you will find that you go up and down with your emotions. It has been a year since my Dad passed and I still find myself driving down the road with tears running down my face at other times I feel nearly normal. But no matter what I will always miss my parents but I know that we must honour them by moving our lives forward.

Karen do not feel like a burden, your family want to help you and be there for you. My Dad used to say things like that and it would upset me so much. My Dad could never have been a burden, I would have done anything for him. I asked him to live with us but he did not want to, the burden word coming into the conversation again. I now feel that if he had come to live with us he might still be alive, silly I know but these things creep into my head at times.

You are all so early in your grief journey, try not to think about what you should or shouldn't be doing, just take each day as it comes, I am sending you both big hugs.

Take care of yourselves xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Guys,

I’m so sorry for all of your losses. My sister & I are in a similar situation. Our mom (71) passed away 2 years ago from complications of a chest infection after recovering from a hip transplant. My parents were married for 52 years. My dad is 11 years older than my mom. She was his rock, his emotional support. He’s lost without her. We were first mom’s prime caregivers & now we are for dad. He’s totally dependent on us as he’s suffering from depression along with multiple age related health issues.

I too often feel that I couldn’t grieve for mom as I’d to take care of dad & be strong for him. I used to get mad thinking about this especially since he doesn’t want to talk about mom. I felt that he was hiding behind anti depressants & just wanted to forget about her. But now I realize that this is his way to cope with this loss. My dad & I are now closer than ever, although no one wants to see their once larger than life parent sad, defeated & helpless like a child. It’s truly heartbreaking. Mom was my best friend & I still miss her like crazy. It’s very hard to be supportive, give pep talks & put up a brave face when inside you feel like you’re drowning in your grief. It is exhausting. But I’ve also come to realize that this has helped me put a lot of things in perspective. It has made me think about what’s really important to me to me & it has made me tougher.

It lifts my sprits when he smiles at me & says, “Bless you child for all you do. You take such good care of me.” And I’m thankful for everyday I get to spend with him. Like Kaycee said make him feel how much he’s loved & needed. This would make him realize that he's cherished & not a burden. It’ll help to pull him out of his depression and try to make some good memories.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×