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Feeling jealous…


andysgirl

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I know this post is likely to make me sound crazy but here it goes…I was with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and before that he was with a girl for 5 years. They had been broken up for over year when we met and I knew that he was over her but I am sure she still had a little piece of his heart. In his death I find myself insanely jealous of this girl. She rarely came up in our conversations but she came to his funeral and afterwards emailed me to say she hoped her being there didn’t overshadow what he and I had – she was very nice and we had a pleasant exchange of a few emails but then she stopped responding to me. At one point I thought, it’s nice to talk to someone who knows him in the kind of way I know him.

I know she likely misses him but I don’t want her to. I know that sounds childish and selfish but she broke his heart, they broke up but she always kept tabs on him and that bugs me. His family had nothing to do with her up until the day of the funeral when they all reconnected and they tell me how devastated she is etc. Then when things went south with his family and their treatment of me they had the audacity to tell me how much they enjoyed spending time with her. Well I really don’t give a crap about that. I think it was just a dig at me along with all the other garbage they spewed but it hit below the belt.

I just find myself stewing about this woman who at one time, a long time ago, had a place in his heart. I know that he loved me but I just keep wondering, is his spirit with her or me, if he was here could I ask him, was I the better woman for him because that's what he always said. Did I make him happy? I am driving myself insane, jealous of the fact that she had more time with him and I didn’t. I know she misses him too and I guess deep down I know she has that right, but then I think she has her fiancé and her kids etc and I don’t have that and maybe now I never will. she had his past but my whole future was tied to him. The man I was supposed to spend my life with was taken and I don’t want her to have that too!

I don’t know why this is bothering me so much but it’s like I can’t let it go. I’ll see her name pop up somewhere (which happened recently) and I go into a very bad place. I’ll dream that he’s gone to visit her and while he says he’ll be back, I don’t know for sure and then I miss him even more.

Last night I thought to myself maybe the past 2 years were all just a dream and maybe this isn’t really happening, this can't possibly be my life. And maybe I am just fooling myself thinking he loved me as much as I know he did, maybe if I tell myself that I can stop being so sad.

Mind tricks I guess. I know this all sounds stupid. The gamut of emotions that come up during the process is unbearable sometimes.

Thank you for listening to my rant. Apologies, I just don’t know who else to say this to without sounding like nut job.

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It's easy for me (or anyone else) to say "don't worry about her. Don't worry about their past life together", but it will be very difficult for you to heed that advice, because these are your own feelings that you are dealing with. Feelings don't always make sense, and they are what they are: feelings. They don't have to make sense, and they arise from past experiences in our lives. Don't fight your feelings, just let them pass in and through you. As time goes on, I believe you will be able to handle them, and eventually they will just fade into the background. You are very vulnerable right now, because of the emotional trauma. If he was with you, he loved you. That doesn't mean he didn't have feelings for her, but that was his past. Not his present. You were his present and his life now.

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Thisishard your not crazy, you are grieving. I had no idea I was capable of so much different emotions since my husband's passing, and yes I absolutely hated feeling them. And yes I felt like a nut case too. Just like Lizzy said, they are emotions and let them come in and go out. I do have a suggestion that might help with your thoughts. It is kind of weird, let me know if you want me to suggest it to you.

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Guilt is not an unusual emotion in grief, insecurity stems from that unjustified guilt and can contribute to jealous feelings. You know he loved you and wanted to be with you more than her. If you want to know how he felt about you, ask his buddies. Men rarely talk about such things with their friends, but we know for certain which ones are happy in their relationship.

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I know in my logical head that he was head over heels in love with me, but my brain isn’t so logical right now. I am sure this is stemming from the fact that his family invalidated our relationship and everything got turned upside down coupled with the fact that now all of a sudden they seem to be on good terms with her. It has just put me over the edge.

But, someone said to me the reason they seem to "like" her more than you is because he wasn’t with her. She didn’t occupy his time and heart the last few years of his life, you did. Somewhere in my head I think maybe that’s true. But I don’t like it. I don't even know if they are still in touch 6 months later but I just see her name pop up in response to things his friends have said and it just drives me mad! I would ask his friends but he was bad at keeping in touch with them, so I met most of them at the funeral. But they did all say that everytime he spoke about me he "chatted me up" quite a bit. I know he loved me, people told me they would catch him watching me while I was talking to other people or doing other things. He was proud of me and just really wanted to protect me.

And I like suggestions, weird ones are welcome too.

Thank you, I know this is all about letting the feelings come in and go out. I just get stuck in them sometimes, as I'm sure all of us do. It just sucks.

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Silvergirl61

This is hard-

I am sorry you are having those kind of situations to deal with, on top of the loss you are dealing with. "They" can't invalidate your relationship with him- no matter what they spew, no matter what they say or do...it's what's inside your heart that matters.

I don't want to say any of this in a clumsy way..and i hope it comes out sounding like I want it to. I had a situation arise that had some similarities to yours, in a few ways. There are family members, who took delight in showing me pictures of Dennis' first wife..little bitty cute gal that she was, and telling me how devastated she was over his death. It gave me a little bit of a bad time for a bit..and now, it doesn't bother me any more..because of a couple things. A good friend of his, who knew his first wife, and who knew the rest of the story, came forward and clued me in on some things about their marriage, and how it ended. You see, my Dennis wasn't one to talk badly about his ex..his answer was always that he had loved her, very much, and that when she decided that she didn't want to be married to him..he let her go, and after a time..he knew that there was someone out there...and he found me...the person he should have always been with- the one true love of his life. You would think, that i would have never let any doubt creep in , but it did, after he was gone. I should have known, by all of the things i knew about him, that he really meant exactly what he had told me- he was a very honest man, and a very kind one. I found out the rest of the story..and the motive for her grief...and now she has gone away, and I can see now, that I had no reason to feel threatened or jealous. You see..he was with me by choice, and he loved me right up until the end. She had the most wonderful man on earth for a husband, and walked away from that love. Instead of being jealous.. I'm a bit grateful, that she didn't have the ability to tell the gold from the glitter. If she had been a wiser girl, or a different one.. I might have never found him at all.

What I am trying to convey to you is this I think- Remember that he was with you, and that he loved you..and let the people who aren't smart enough to figure that out go on being as blind as they choose to be. If they had been meant to be together..they would have been, don't you think?

Never let someone else's opinion take the love out of your heart...because your heart knows the truth...just listen to it. Peace be with you. Silver

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