Delayed Grief from Loss of Mother

[Sidewindor]

My name is Peter and I am 31 years old. I lost my Mother a little more than 3 months ago on 4/20/13. She was only 58 years young and was lost to a short battle with Scleroderma.

My Mother was the most influential person in my life. She taught me what love meant, how to give love, how to forgive and how to be a good person. She was a woman who was strong in faith and who touched many people's lives. She was always willing to do for others. She was the kind of person that people thanked for being a part of their lives and for teaching them so much about love and faith.

I am a self admitted Mama's boy. She was larger than life to me. She showered love on my 2 older children (who were from my previous marriage), who are 9 and 6 years old. They affectionately referred to her as "Gummy." She was AMAZING with children. They gravitated to her. She lived for interacting with her grandchildren and sharing the fun they had learning and exploring.

My grief has arrived in a delayed manner. My wife was 8 months pregnant when my Mom passed away. We had complications with the pregnancy and our newest addition was delivered 2 weeks early. My Father has been devastated by her passing as well. I assisted him with all of the arrangements. He needed support greatly at the time, and I stepped up and did what I could. I also had to stay strong for my boys as this was their first experience with loss.

Now here I sit, 3 months later. I am passed staying strong for everyone else. The pregnancy complication was fixed, the baby is here. He is closing in on 3 months old and life is returning to normal. I am afraid I am suffering from depression. I think that the grief is just now hitting me full force. At times I feel anxious, panicy and sick to my stomach. I have trouble eating and sleeping. I took a month off to help bring our son home and then went back to work. My wife goes back to work this week and I will be taking a month off again to stay with him while she transitions back to work.

I miss my older children terribly. Through this ordeal I have cherished the times when my wife and all 3 children and I are together, because I want to be surrounded by the people that mean the most to me. I only get my older boys 2 or 3 times a week, and that alone has always hurt me. I am a very active and loving father. My children are my everything, just like my Mom taught me.

I am VERY apprehensive about this upcoming month. I don't know if I am in any shape to take care of my baby alone, because this Dad feels very broken right now. I miss my Mother so bad that it hurts, and I just don't know what to do. I have a tremendous hurt in my heart that my baby will never know his Grandmother. He will never know the angel she was, and his brothers will remember that. My wife has been very supportive. I feel embarassed that I can't be as strong as I was for the last three months anymore. I feel like I need to be the person who can hold it down for everyone who relies on me.

Sorry for the long post, but I just need some help. I appreciate you taking the time to read this, and I hope that you have some words of encouragement that I can add to the ones my Mother instilled. "God will never give you more than you can handle" and "Good thoughts for every day."

Thank You

[ModKonnie]

Sidewindor, I am so very sorry about your loss of your mother. Three months is certainly no time at all when grieving such a profound loss plus all of the other major traumas and events within that time. Of course you are feeling shaky. Your world has been rocked. It is perfectly normal and understandable that you are feeling the way you do, and you do not have to be so strong for everyone. Let others help you now.

Have you told your wife how you feel? What about others in your family or your circle of friends? Reach out to them and ask for support. While people may need you, it's totally okay to tell them you need them. That's what they are for. You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Talking about all of this is a good way to de-stress and deal with anxiety. You will be fine with the baby. What are your specific worries about dealing with your precious infant?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[MilaT]

Peter, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It is never easy when suffering the loss of a loved one especially someone who has made such an impact on others like your mother. You certainly need time to grieve and it is okay to grieve. I loss my mother many many years ago and I still have days when I sit in the bed and cry. I take comfort in the time we did have together, though I was a teenager when she passed I am grateful for the time that I did have and cherish those memories. Your mother was right, God will not put more on you than you can bear and I learned that if it is in my life than I can handle it. As I am not where I want to be in my grief the best advice that I can give you is to take it one day at a time, don't be afraid to grieve, and trust in God. You are in my prayers.

[ebrass88]

Peter, I first want to say that you're not alone. I too am suffering delayed grief from the loss of my father in January of this year. I started to have the symptoms you were - anxious, tired, etc. I started having anxiety attacks, and went to see an acupuncturist. If you are feeling the same, I suggest that you see an acupuncturist in your area, and let them know that you are grieving. It is very beneficial for you if you feel you are ready to "let go" of your sadness. In my experience, which just happened yesterday, I cried almost nonstop for 7 hours for two days. I reached the "bottom" of my intense sadness and grief that I felt for my father's passing, and spoke with my mom and boyfriend about how I felt. It was the worst and best feeling to feel such intense emotion, but to also feel it release when I had accepted that I was grieving.

I recommend Bach's rescue remedy. I am still recovering from my extremely exhausting bout of grieving, but this natural remedy is perfect for calming the nerves, and helping you cope with your feelings, especially since you have a family to take care of. This natural remedy can be found at any health food store or vitamin shoppe.

I also found it very helpful to keep those I loved most by me during my time of grief. It didn't make the pain any less, but I feel that I recovered more quickly because of it. I had 4 anxiety attacks in 3 days because my body couldn't hold in the emotion any longer.

My boyfriend said something very profound that I believe helped me to get on the road to accepting that my father is gone- he said that " in order to experience immense joy and love, one must experience immense sadness and pain. If you push away the pain and not fully experience the intensity of your sadness, you will never experience true joy."

I hope you are doing well, and I will think of you when I feel down, and know that I am not alone in this struggle.