New to Forum. Lost My Mom.

[italia9970]

I miss her so much today. I try to fathom that I haven't spoken to her in 9 entire weeks, and it just fails me. The rain kept me indoors today and the latter part of this late afternoon, now into the evening, has left me feeling separate and lonely for no one, for nothing, but her. Strangely, I had a day of wild productivity as I plan for a new class. I designed it, painstakingly taking the time to compile the syllabus and get the dates aligned with the curriculum and at the end of this process, I felt exhausted, satisfied but wanting to tell her. I wanted to tell her about my day. I spoke with my aunt, my sister, with my boyfriend. None of these people provided the satisfaction that I need. I need my mother. And she is gone.

I lay down on the couch and fell into a fitful sleep. Too late for a nap but I couldn't seem to help myself. I awoke to my boyfriend's call and now I just feel heartsick, restless and sad. The night looms large in front of me but there's nothing I can think of doing. Nothing seems right. I feel terrible. Despite the very productive day I just had, I feel terrible. I thought about going out but I can't seem to find the will to get myself together to do that. I want to go back to sleep but it's only a little past 7 and I fear that if I call it a night, I'll wake up in a fit of midnight insomnia. I need...something. I need help. I don't know where to turn for help.

It's so true that she was my very best friend. I wonder if she felt this way? Times when I selfishly, stubbornly, refused to come to her to visit. Too many things were getting in the way. Things that she is no longer alive to buffer for me and are painfully hitting me head-on. My father's craziness, my sisters' vaulting jealousies and resentments. Those were the things that I sought to avoid, not her. Yet if I were to be completely honest, there was something that something grew in her that became difficult to navigate for me. I felt her neediness and, toward the end, I did very little to assuage it. She had very little to live for, in the end, because I remained dogged in my feelings that I had to live my own life. I stayed away. Was I wrong? I'm asking this question with tears in my eyes. Did I contribute to her hastened end because I wasn't there in the past 2 years? She gave up on life. As soon as she heard that diagnosis, she determined to die. And it was so fast, so frighteningly fast....

***

I think I need to seek some therapy. My grief still feels so incredibly big, I don't know what to do with it. I'm glad that I am able to function and that I haven't given in to depression. There's so much in the near future that I fear. I don't want school to start, in a way, because I will miss the daily check in with her. I certainly don't long for the holidays to come. I don't know what in the world we are all going to do without her there. The resentment that I feel over my sisters...the way that THEY neglected her...the way that they haphazardly live their lives with no regard for decorum and making things nice. It's the spaces like that where she and I always and ever would connect. And now, there's no one. No one to connect with, no one to talk these things over with. I feel lost.

[Lostwithoutmum]

I am very sorry for your loss.

I can relate to your pain and yearning. I, too, feel a massive gap that no-one can ever fill, not even the man I love...

I have tried, and failed, to understand how one minute you have such a precious person around; the next minute, she's gone...I keep going through endless questions, and it has been a little over 5 months..

I used to say goodbye to mum everyday before leaving to work. When I return she would have prepared dinner, now the place is cold and empty despite having family around, I feel extremely lonely..

I have thrown my energy in work but found this to temporarily numb the pain...but never erase it...

I know nothing will make this easy, functioning is an achievement, just focus on each minute as it comes..

I hope you find comfort and peace

x

[italia9970]

I think the thing that I struggle with the most is the anxiety of dealing with the rest of my family. I was the closest one to her and that always produced a lot of resentment. I have 2 sisters; they were never as attentive to her and they would ignore her calls a lot. So as they process, a lot of their grief is being translated to anger, and they take it out on me. I escaped not even 2 weeks after her services to Florida, mostly because I needed to grieve and to cry openly. They would get testy and scold me every time I did that. I still am having a hard time heading back to my childhood home. For many reasons. She passed there, my younger sister has moved into the bedroom that was always referred to as my room, my father's crazy dialogue and behaviors, which have compounded because of the grief. It's been terrible. I feel exiled, which is only making it worse.

The anxiety has gotten so bad that I've blown the dust off an old perscription of Xanax. I took one this morning, after wrestling through the night with hives, itching...all brought on by stress that I can't seem to manage. Today, I'm looking for some yoga/pilates workouts that I feel will help me to focus and to heal. Here's hoping. I also meant what I said...Monday's mission is to find a good grief counselor.

[Sidewindor]

Take one day at a time. I too recently lost my mother, and I know very well how you are feeling. Celebrate her life and cherish your memories of her. Take it one little step at a time.

[Trevyn]

I've never participated in this type of forum before, but I just recently lost my Mom. I'm an onlycivild. I have a husband, grown children and young grandchildren. I was very close to my Mom. She was very healthy and active. she died suddenly in an accident. I held her hand as she died. I suffer from panic disorder. This has made it worse along with the grieving process. I know that time will ease the pain. I lost my Dad 20 years ago. Though I have a loving family, they don't understand my panic attacks, though they try. I'm on medication, but right now I feel so alone. I feel like all the props have been knocked out from under me. It does help to tell this to others in a similar situation. I ask for your prayers as I will be praying for all of you.

[italia9970]

I suppose that physical symptoms are a part of grief...not every day has produced hives...but as I'm 2 days away from jumping back into full-time teaching, I'm also praying that I am able to manage. Everyone at the school where I work has been magnificent. That's not the problem; I'm really worried that the stress I've been feeling is going to amplify. Trevyn, I'm so sorry for your pain! How well I know. This summer has been so difficult. Tonight, I cried. I miss her so terribly and I know that with the change of season, with the start of school, we would be full of excitement and words. The silence is still so staggering to me.

I have a sweetheart and he's tried to relate but it's hard for him. He cares, he tries to be present and to listen, but sometimes I wonder if he is tired of me saying how much I miss her. Sometimes I wonder if we will last through this terrible time, if his patience will run out or if I'll become too overwhelmed waiting for him to relate to me. I think about that sometimes. I think about ending things with him but I fear my sadness will completely engulf me then...I don't have the strength to say goodbye to him AND to deal with my grief....

Ugh, this is just so hard!