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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
keiko

Friends don't get it!!!

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keiko   

I'm not sure where this post would be relevant, but since I'm very angry right now, I figured it could go under "Anger & Grief."

It's been 8 months now since my dad has passed and I have my good days and still have my bad days. Lately there's been lots of other losses around me (mostly colleagues losing loved ones) and it's been triggering my own grief. In addition, in the last month or so, my mom's health has taken a turn for the worse so now I'm facing losing my mom as well in a short period of time and honestly I don't feel like I can handle it. I called a friend - not just a friend but my best friend - to talk about how I'm feeling which is mostly sad, lonely, scared and I can feel a depression lurking. She told me that it's been way too long to still feel sad and that I need to look at the positives. Of course she hasn't lost a closed loved one yet let alone a parent so she has no idea what the hell she is talking about, but she should know better to tell me how I should be feeling. I mean it's not like I want to be sad!!! Of course I want to be happy, but people really don't realize what a huge loss it is especially when you've been a caretaker and you end up having this HUGE void in your everyday life. She lives thousands away from her parents and fortunately is not at the stage yet of having elderly parents to take care of and worry about everyday. I guess I wanted some validation that I do have a right to feel sad, lonely, and scared right now because I only lost my dad 8 months ago and now it's very realistic that I could lose my mom very soon. Not to mention I have barely even spoke about my dad to any of my friends since I learned months ago that unless you've been through it, others dont' get it so I thought I could at least get some support even if they don't get it, but instead she made it seem like I'm depressed for nothing. It really upset me and I still feel so angry about it. It just makes me feel even more alone and that nobody understand, but then I remembered this forum and that there are people out there who do understand. I mean do these people really think that life just magically goes on after you lose a parent??? Thanks for letting me vent.

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keiko   

I mean I'd really like to see how positive she is after taking care of her elderly dad w/beginning stages of alzheimers for several years in addition to a sick mother who has been in and out of the hospital for the last 10 years (and almost every hospitilization the doctor's telling us that my mom's illness is terminal, but she's pulled through every time except this time I fear she won't). Then have your dad die 8 months ago and now facing losing your mom. You want me to be a ray of *$#@*( sunshine. I feel I try to make the most of the situation, but goodness I'm only human at the end of the day.

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widower2   

She told me that it's been way too long to still feel sad and that I need to look at the positives.

I assume she meant well - but what she said was not only stupid to the point of asinine but grossly insensitive. Sadly, this is not exactly rare among people...she really should do a little research on grieving and then maybe the clue tree would drop a few desperately needed branches on her head. Sorry to hear this and very sorry for your loss, and the potential loss as well.

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keiko   

Thanks for the reply, widower2. I know she meant well, but sometimes good intentions go wrong. She said she doesn't want me to be sad anymore. She could've just said that then stopped there...it still doesn't cease to amaze me what people think they can and can't say to you after such a huge loss. I had one person say to me, "I thought your mom would go first." Yeah, that's real comforting.

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Keiko, I am so sorry about the loss of your dad and your mom's health situation. It is hard when friends haven't lost anyone significant. They truly don't understand. I lost my father almost four years ago, and it doesn't matter how long it's been, when others lose their parents, it affects me. I still feel sad, depressed, lonely and isolated at times because I want to talk to my dad, who was ill for years, too. You are perfectly right in feeling what you do. Eight months is not long at all after such a profound loss, and there is no way you can simply "get over it." I think many people hope grieving people will "snap out of it" because they are uncomfortable with emotions and pain. I am glad you remember there is a whole community of people who have joined together for support and encouragement as they learn to live again without their precious loved ones. --ModKonnie

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I'm not sure where this post would be relevant, but since I'm very angry right now, I figured it could go under "Anger & Grief."

It's been 8 months now since my dad has passed and I have my good days and still have my bad days. Lately there's been lots of other losses around me (mostly colleagues losing loved ones) and it's been triggering my own grief. In addition, in the last month or so, my mom's health has taken a turn for the worse so now I'm facing losing my mom as well in a short period of time and honestly I don't feel like I can handle it. I called a friend - not just a friend but my best friend - to talk about how I'm feeling which is mostly sad, lonely, scared and I can feel a depression lurking. She told me that it's been way too long to still feel sad and that I need to look at the positives. Of course she hasn't lost a closed loved one yet let alone a parent so she has no idea what the hell she is talking about, but she should know better to tell me how I should be feeling. I mean it's not like I want to be sad!!! Of course I want to be happy, but people really don't realize what a huge loss it is especially when you've been a caretaker and you end up having this HUGE void in your everyday life. She lives thousands away from her parents and fortunately is not at the stage yet of having elderly parents to take care of and worry about everyday. I guess I wanted some validation that I do have a right to feel sad, lonely, and scared right now because I only lost my dad 8 months ago and now it's very realistic that I could lose my mom very soon. Not to mention I have barely even spoke about my dad to any of my friends since I learned months ago that unless you've been through it, others dont' get it so I thought I could at least get some support even if they don't get it, but instead she made it seem like I'm depressed for nothing. It really upset me and I still feel so angry about it. It just makes me feel even more alone and that nobody understand, but then I remembered this forum and that there are people out there who do understand. I mean do these people really think that life just magically goes on after you lose a parent??? Thanks for letting me vent.

I read a really good article about why Grief now has an expiration date which I found helpful http://www.hellogrief.org/how-did-grief-get-an-expiration-date/comment-page-2/#comment-140721

I too have lost a parent, my mother 5 years ago and my Nan 6 months ago, my Nan raised me from a baby and everyone who knows me knows that this is me losing both my parents. People who have never lost a close relative can easily believe the nonsense that grieving for 6 months is healthy anything longer unhealthy, so maybe they think they are being helpful and that should be of comfort but it just makes me angry.

I know it's wrong but when people say things like this to me there is a small part of me that thinks "you'll get yours mate and just you see if you thank someone for saying I think you need to see a doctor if you're still feeling this upset 5 months down the line."

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I was told to toughen up - take some medication and put on some big girl panties.   I was compared to my mother who literally went over the edge when my father died.    I was called a Drama Queen for expressing Normal Grief due to the loss of a spouse.   I was told my family considered me a laughing stock.     This was my sister saying all this garbage when she lives in another state and really doesn't know anything.    I did go into La La Land for a Few Months but accepted the fact that I was going to there for awhile.   I still feel hurt and disappointed that my sister would be so meanspirited at time when I really need support.

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msmouse   

I can understand how you all feel. I lost the love of my life suddenly in February.Most of my family  is supportive but I am upset with my sister who told me I was having a pity party for missing him. She also told me to get a goldfish for company! I told her before she says any more to me, picture yourself without your husband. One minute he is there, the next minute he is gone.. Sometimes it takes putting it very bluntly for people to try to understand what we are going through. She didn't even come home for the funeral or send a card to me. She still calls this supporting me??!?? I haven't talked to her since. My heart goes out to all of you trudging through this pain. I know I am having a hard time doing it.

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JennyC23   

Grief is boring to people who are not in the thick of it. I stoped talking about it as much to my friends and family. My husband died 3 1/2 months ago. At first they were sympathetic but now it's like, "Yeah, you're in pain so whats new?" And while it is the most important and consuming thing to you it is hard for other people to relate. And everyone is suffering some loss. I can't feel right talking about my loss to someone who has just lost a grand parent or parent. It makes me feel selfish.

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Hi - im so sorry for your loss and what you are going through with your mom as well.  I never imagined in a million years how hard it would be to lose a parent.  How could anyone know until they go through it themselves? Thankfully my husband was very supportive.  I don't know what i would have done without him. 

However, I'm in that same boat where i am not sure what to do about this empty sad feeling i have inside almost every day 8 months later.  My dad worked in the town that i live in.  He was on the road, so he would always pop in and use my house as a pit stop. He had a stroke in November and died end of Jan.  I went through what i guess are the typical very difficult first few months and then felt like i was bouncing back somewhat. But now i keep thinking about the end, his hospitalization and the pain he was in and moments watching him suffer that i wish i'd never seen.

I really don't want to go back to that place of crying every night when i really have time to slow down and THINK about all of that and how much i miss him. I feel stupid even saying anything to anybody because i almost feel like they will be thinking wow, still? Time to move on....

Another issue is my family, namely my older sister who never moved out of the family home, is going through his things - he was somewhat of a hoarder, so all that cleaning and going through all of his stuff is taking quite a long time and seeing the stuff constantly is like keeping that gaping wound open.  

When will I break? Im not sure - but it feels like soon...

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Keiko,

 

I have a best friend who told me the same thing.  She said life goes on and you need to move on.  I was very offended because I felt how could she say that to me when I was going thru so much pain.  Its been 8 months and I'm still very isolated from her.  She wants to talk on the phone all the time but all she says is the same things.  I feel like she wants to talk to me like nothing has happened.  But the truth is I just don't want to be bothered.  I've also feel like after the death of a loved one everyone is there thru the funeral and the next few days with love, food, etc.  Give them a couple weeks and they all disappear.  You will know who really cares about you.  I don't know who long its going to take me to heal.  I feel like I'll never be right again myself.  So Keiko, you take your time and grieve and don't let anyone tell you how to feel.  You can always email me, I am here.

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Looks like its been a while since anyone said anything here but i have something i want to say so here goes..

 

Keiko, i lost my dad 15 years ago.. i still have days when i have a question and want to call him.. i still miss him.. no matter what others seem to think, grief has no expiration date..

 

my eldest son Tommy died in 1985.. i still miss his "mommaa i love you"..

 

my grandson Jesse died 11 yrs, 4 days ago.. i wont ever get to see him grow up..

 

my younest son Rick died 11/12/2014.. yes just over 2 months ago.. i want a hug.. he gave the BEST hugs...

 

 i will never stop grieving.. i will miss the "men" i have lost til the day i go to join them.. be that tomorrow or 50 yrs from now..

 

those who do not, can not, understand, are not worth your anger.. save your strength for the healing.. it takes time and there are scars.. but take care of you and p&*s on the rest..

 

Victoria

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Hi keiko,

 

I know this post is old, but I still have to reply to it.

 

Honestly, this line made me want to hit your friend "She told me that it's been way too long to still feel sad and that I need to look at the positives."

 

I feel absolute, utter rage at this. It's a total disservice to you for her to say this.

 

I lost my father when I was 2 years old (I'm 27 now). He was a police officer in the line of duty. I repressed emotions all my life up until about 4 months ago, and all the woo-woo new age positive-thinking affirmation-garbage makes me want to kill someone.

 

The truth is grieving is a long process. And it's your process. YOU heal how YOU heal -- and no one can tell you when you should be "over" something.

 

No matter what your friend says, we're here for you. In order to eventually get over your emotions, you need to feel them -- and that means if you're sad, you're sad. If you're angry, you're angry. If you're numb, you're numb. Feel what you need to feel.

 

Thinking of you,

 

-David

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Angelpur   

I only really talk about it now with the friends who have suffered a similar loss (and that's two). My 'best friend' seems to think I'm only going to cry at future family events. Not at any other time apparently! My beloved 22 year old sister died. I'm 6 weeks into my grief and it's quickly become glaringly apparent who gets it and who doesn't. But then I think- was I any better than the people I'm criticising before I suffered a life changing loss? Probably not. So I try not to waste too much anger on them. They just don't know, but one day they will.

xx

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HMN2015   

Keiko - I'm sorry to hear of your loss and I understand what you're going through.  My mom died just a few short weeks ago (3/10/15) and I can't possibly see how it will get 'back to normal'.  I feel like, unless someone has gone through it themselves, no one understands.  My friends at work said the other day that they can't wait until I get back to my old self; I know for a fact I'll never get back to normal.  I'm 44 years old and feel like a little girl - I miss my mother like nothing I can explain.  I feel people around me don't get it so that's why I came here; to reach out to others that understand AND won't try and sugar coat things.  Don't apologize for 'venting' to us - I'll listen any day.  It's good to share your feelings and express how you feel at any given moment.  Again, I'm sorry for your loss - try and keep your chin up <3

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I also had a friend tell me "think positive" and it hurt really bad. It's been 3 years since my uncle was killed in a car crash suddenly and I can't stop crying at times. People have given up on my aunt and given up on me and my mom. It NEVER goes away and anniversary time is horrible. I feel for you I really do.

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One thing I have learned about deep loss is no one gets it unless they have been there themselves. It,s been 10 months since my husband/best friend died and to others that is a long time. They are getting over it, why not me? They don't realize their relationship with him was phone calls, lunches, work, etc. it was not sharing a life 24/7. They cannot fathom coming home to an empty, cold and silent house. I know people move on because they have their own lives. But when they try and tell me how I should be moving on, it can be very painful. I don't speak to many about it anymore. I use the support groups and my counsellor. Occasionally someone will take an honest interest and that is a great gift. Otherwise, I keep to myself. Many that ask don't really want to know unless it is positive anyway. I've even had a person suggest I may find someone new. Really? That is what you say to someone whose life has been shattered? This wasn't a fling, it was a 32 year marriage. Even in painful divorces the other person is still alive. I am no stranger to loss so I learned long ago to give someone a wide berth because we are all different and have to find our own way at our own pace. It's a simple concept not understood by many.

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keiko   

It's been a while since I've logged on here and wow thank you for all the responses and I'm sorry each of you are grieving the loss of a loved one(s). 

 

Subsequent to this post, my mom passed away about 18 months ago.  This time around I just didn't expect much in terms of support from my friends, but still I ended up disappointed and angry as only 2 friends showed up for my mom's funeral.  I think the grief hit me so much harder as it was the loss of my second parent and it has since left me feeling like a lost child who got left behind in a big crowd.  I've read about the orphan effect and that is exactly how it feels, but I'm doing my best to cope and continue to grieve. 

 

I've also realized a couple of things.  I know that I was the same way as some of my friends, co-workers, and even family - that I, too, was ignorant to grief before and it really is one of things that unless you go through, you have no idea.  Now with my experiences, I am trying to be a better support for when people do go through loss and grief.  I find some comfort in knowing that it has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person.  I know one day they'll have to find out on their own as well.  I am not perfect though and still can find myself angry and resentful if I think about it too much, but I am trying very hard to let it all go 100%. 

 

I also accepted that there is no expiration date for grief and if anybody has a problem that I'm still grieving then that's exactly what it is - THEIR problem.  Again, I'm not always so logical and accepting, but I'm trying.  I have my good days and bad days. 

 

My heart goes out to all of you...sending big hugs to all!

 

 

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Hello, 

i know that this post is quite dated so I'm not sure if this will be useful for you or for anyone but I'll give it a go. 

My father passed away when I was 12 from cancer. He was a great father and still to this day he is the greatest guy I've ever met. At the age of 17 I was left on the street from my mother. I am now 30 years old.

When my father passed, I made a promise to myself that I would find the answer to get over this. That I know there is a way of thinking or behaving that would make me feel better. If I was to ever offer advise to anyone who has lost a parent it would be this: "No matter what you believe in, heaven, not heaven, whatever, always know, that when it's their turn to decide who they are going to look over, out of all the friends and family they can choose from, there is no doubt that YOU will be the first person they look over." This thought really helped me in my teenage years. I felt a little bit better. 

But this is something a lot of people don't understand. Loosing a parent you love, you loose the knowledge of their history, your family history, their wisdom. I don't know how many times I've said to myself "Man, if i had 30 seconds with my dad, I would be invincible". Because when you loose a parent, you lose the unconditional advice from someone who will do anything to help. If you have friends who do this its fantastic. But to see people have someone they would turn to that isn't you, and you don't have that, the feeling is unbearable. This is another form of grieve. You may have gotten over the death and accepted it, but the grieve will take other forms. 

What I'm really trying to say is this, some days you'll wish you never experienced it and it works amazingly. Some days you'll remember them and then that works. But without talking to them and asking what to do and not having that unconditional support is very hard, and most people don't understand. DO THE BEST, AND MAKE THE BEST DECISIONS YOU CAN. THATS ALL YOU CAN DO. ALOT OF PEOPLE WILL NOT UNDERSTAND. Some people are lucky enough to have the emotional safety net of parents to help when they make decisions or mistakes, but when you don't, you gotta just jump in and do your best. 

Grieve will pop up, do what you gotta do to deal with it, whatever that is, no one will understand it just make sure that you know no one will understand. I'm sure your deceased parent has chosen to look over you and be proud that your doing your best cause that's all they'd want. 

 

Hope it helps. 

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Alone...   

First time I've ever signed up to a forum... felt compelled to say I feel your pain. 

I lost my dad to suicide when I was 4, and my mum a couple of weeks before I turned 25 just a couple of months ago suddenly and it was a horrible ordeal. 

Im sick of being around people, I feel so alone in my grief, i cry almost every day in the car on my way home from work, I cry without even meaning to let the tears roll but they come in floods and there's nothing I can do to stop it. 

 

Everyone disappeared after the funeral I haven't even had a single text message to ask how I am. It would have been her 52nd birthday last week so I took a week of leave. The depression nearly consumed me. My partner is no help, even losing a pregnancy couldn't make him comfort me, and I know I deserve better but I don't have the energy to deal with a break up as well. 

 

I'm physically ill a lot but now that mum is gone there is nobody to help me get better. Nobody to calm and soothe my emotions.. everyone just expects me to carry on coz they need me to do things for them...I don't feel like I'll ever get out of this hole.. I'm sorry I don't have anything positive to say but I needed to speak to people who would understand coz nobody in my life does and let you know it's perfectly fine to be pissed off at everyone coz everyone is letting you down when you need them the most. My dads suicide ruined my mum and she turned to alcohol.. she had nobody there for her either. Up until this I've been strong and I've withstood the shitty cards life has dealt me but I don't want to anymore.. I can't find the strength anymore.. wouldn't even matter if my life got better coz no matter how much good happens I'll never get to see mum again. I'm not religious but I am praying there is a heaven and I will be reunited with her one day.. but I'm terrified I won't.

 

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reader   

Dear Alone,

I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know it hurts a lot. And its horrible the way people around us sometimes fail to show some sensitivity and compassion for our feelings. I know its not easy.

Please know you are not alone. We are here for you. And if you want to continue reaching out and looking for other supports. I have tried almost everything myself from grief counselling, grief support group, reading, journaling, taking a new class, just something to keep me going. Its moment by moment during these difficult times.

Try to be kind and gentle with yourself. And if you need to vent or need anything at all, please know we are here. Thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

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