Coping and yet not coping at the same time..

[katos1]

In the grand scheme of things, I guess I'm doing well. Its been a long year, and I'm doing Ok. Staying positive, laughing, working, helping mates and family out, going out, doing the same old. And yet, unhappy, crying, wondering what the next drama will be. And then, telling myself I'm being dramatic for acting that way. Thing is, talking about things isn't my style, I'm really private. Or I find it hard, either because I don't like complaining or when I do, everyone says "You're the strongest person I know, you'll be right" which is all well n good but when I'm just trying to talk, its the last thing I want to hear. Writing a little story on the internet to people I don't know sounds like a much better idea to me. Things I've written here, I haven't told anybody. Hooray for internet anonymity eh. Haha.

To begin. A not very close friend died last NYE (beginning of 07) after taking acid and walking off a cliff, so didn't affect me too closely, but supported my mates through that. Then April an old mate committed suicide by hanging herself - she was such a close friend for so many years; I was so close to her family too, but we had a falling out when we were about 18 (21 when she died) which we never resolved. In August of 07 my uncle died. A week later, my mum's cousin died. A week after that, an older family friend that i was extremely close to died. A week after that, another family friend died. Then March of 08, my brother died. Two weeks later, one of my best mates went to jail - hasn't received bail and from the look of it will be in there for a long long time). Yeah, It was a big year.

Whilst I'm not thrilled about the other events, its obviously my brother that has got to me the most. My brother had severe autism, severe intellectual disability and epilepsy, so growing up it wasn't a normal sibling relationship I guess. He was my older brother (23, and I am 22) but I've always had to look after him, helping my parents out. We haven't had the easiest time with him - he was extremely violent for a large part of my life so there are some not very nice memories that I guess I have to re-deal with now. Yet, I've always been crazily overprotective of him, he's been such a major part of my life and always would have been - I would have been his guardian if anythign happened to ma n dad, which that responsibility always worried me. And now he's gone, that role is gone.

His epilespy had never been under control. He died as result of a seizure in a spa - his lungs filled with water which caused cardiac arrest. CPR was performed for 32 minutes before they could get a pulse, which obviously isn't good for your brain. He was kept on life support for 24 hours (which in Australia is the legal requirement before you can pronounce someone braindead). Waiting for your brother to die for 24 hours.... words can't describe what that was like. And yet it makes me wonder. I don't know how families that have relatives diagnosed with terminal illness wait for months or years... that must be horrible.

The first two weeks after he died... was easy. I think I was in shock/denial. I went back to work pretty quickly and I was fine. I did the eulogy at the funeral. Mingled at the wake. Then slowly, week by week its gotten a bit harder. Now, each day gets worse. Work - I'm a youth worker, so pretty much dealing with teenagers being frustrating is what I get paid for - and the last thing I feel like doing is putting up with other people's problems. A lot of my mates are hopeless - drug addicts or unemployed or just idiots, so same deal. Family is falling apart.

I know at the end of the day, life goes on. I'll keep going, keep laughing, keep doing my thing. Sometimes though, you just want someone to cuddle you and tell you that everthing will be ok, instead of having to tell yourself that. Or being able to talk to someone and say that instead of only being able to say it anonymously on an internet forum.

[4everjoeysmom]

Katos1, I can relate to what you are saying...  I too am doing well most of the time, as far as doing well goes...  I mean, I am surviving, haven't thrown in the towel but sometimes want to, and just wish I could be "real" outside in the masses of people as much as I can be real here Anonymously" as you say.  Whenever I am having a tough go of it and try to express it to people I know back home, the e-mails fade away and it's like I have the plague.  Eithere people don't know what to say or do, or they expect I will snap out of it soon enough.  I have lots going on in my work as well, and I do find laughter and good days.  But after such profound loss and tragedy in life, life just isn't what it used to be.  It's not that it's bad.  It's just different now, and pieces of my puzzle have changed shape, leaving cracks and gaps that will never completely fit together.  Who else could even begin to understand that except for others who have had such heartbreak and shattered lives?  I hope that posting and expressing yourself is helpful for you.  It always is better to know you don;t suffer alone, and that others are surviving, and that YES we will be ok...in time...  Cheers!  ~Claudia

[katos1]

Thanks Claudia. I guess its helpful just to express it, especially to those who understand. I guess its hard for people that haven't been through it to understand, but some things they say i find so frustrating!! Its been just two months since my brother died - I was on the phone to a friend the other night, saying I'd gone home and had a cry with my mum and he said "About what? STILL about your brother?"

People were so supportive the first two weeks probably, but now its like its old news. The drama of it isn't there anymore for them - People expect you to move on, get over it.

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Katos, Yeah!  That's exactly right!!  After the funeral, after the first 2-3 weeks of condolences and shocked responses, everyone drifts off and leaves you to figure it out alone.  I once heaqrd the average attention span of humans after they hear something relevant, newsworthy, tragic, etc is 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, depending on the event.  Who would have ever thought that a catastrophic loss of life for someone would be worth only a few weeks of someone's attention?  But as we do "move on" so to speak, in whatever way we can muster, we learn that the ignorance of others stems mostly from discomfort, not knowing how to deal with it, the shocking reality that hits too close to home, etc.  I'm sorry that you don;t have a support system besides your mom, who also is hurting.  I'm in the same boat.  Besides this website, which has been a godsend, I have only my husband.  My family is thousands of miles away on another continent, and my friends have all drifted away for much the reason we are flushing out here.  Most days I do ok.  But there are some days where I just want to stand on this mountain and scream to the top of my lungs until my energy and life are drained, and then scream some more.  It is what it is, eh?  Your title fits...  Coping, yet not coping at the same time...  where we find the balance is the ultimate journey...  Keep writing...  I find it helps at times.  Sometimes it doesn't, but it reminds me I do have a place I can come to and spill it when I need to.  I find that writing to others helps me to sort out my own thoughts and feelings.  Maybe it will for you as well...  Cheers!  ~Claudia

[diane1234]

Katos,

I second everything Claudia has said to you. I lost my older brother Harv over a year ago. The 1st month after he died people were pleasant to us and I was on autopilot the whole time. The next few months after Harv died..that's when the real Fun(I'm kidding,it was more like extreme dysfunction) took place. My family got a bit wacky and we fought quite abit w/ eachother. Also the people who I thought were my close friends,couldn't deal w/ the pain I was in due to the untimely death of Harvey. I was sooooooooooo lucky to find the loss of sibling thread a few months after Harv died! I consider Claudia, Jackie,Barb,Linda,etc..as dear friends today and I've still NEVER met them over a year later :-) They understood my grief walk & we all helped eachother thru it! I was able to be myself @ any given moment(sad,glad,in shock,numb...you name it & I went thru it). The gals on this thread allowed me to just vent & be who I needed to be. I'm happy to say that after a year + I'm in a quiet place. If an emotional wave hits me today,I know how to ride it. It took alot of courage for you to share yourself here. Keep sharing and you will begin to heal :-)

Blessings,

Diane

[katos1]

Thanks Claudia and Diane. Writing it helps I guess as you can be totally honest.

Its been a hard week - we spread Mattie's (my brother's) ashes a few days ago, so that was really hard. Saying another goodbye. Work's been really busy this week so its good to take my mind off it but once I'm home, pretty down. I guess I need the time to cry though.

I'm probably a bit crazy here, but I feel like I'm in a game, or some sort of test - where life just keeps throwing one thing after the other at me, to see if I'll give in or crumble - even to the point where if I'm gonna lose it and throw a tantrum. Its like I have to stay strong and keep going and thats me winning. Sometimes all you feel like doing is staying in bed and not ever getting out, but I always force myself to, because that way I'd be giving in. Thats a really bad way of explaining it, but yeah.

I went and saw a play last night, which nearly broke my heart. It was about all these relatives of soldiers that had died in war. It didn't really focus about war - more about death. I had tears running down my face, this one character had lost his brother - this one scene just explained it so completely. His uncle said to him "He died for a reason". This guy turned around and started yelling (something like): Does that make a difference? Does it matter why or how he died? I'm sick of everyone making excuses. I'm sick of myself making excuses. I'm just too f***ing clever - it would be easier to be stupid. That way, I could feel this grief, instead of saying "Why him? Why me?" and then cutting myself off and saying "Because these things happen". Why do I have to be so logical about it - I'd rather just be able to feel this grief. All I know is I just want my brother back."

It was such a beautiful play - there were so many scenes and quotes from it that just explain so perfectly the way I feel.

[diane1234]

Katos,

I hear ya! Sounds like you went to a very DEEP play! Maybe the message of the was from your brother.Maybe there is a greater purpose for him being in Heaven right now. I know when Harv died, I was alos soo rational/logical in my emotions;it was almost like I was sleep walking thru life for those 1st few months after he died. I had no choice but to function on a work level & a family level(I had to help my Mom,who's got  Dementia). Had I seen a play or anything to remind me of my Brother @ that time,I too would enjoy the fantasy of thinking I could just lay in bed & NEVER get out! Yet the reality was I had to put one foot in front of the other on a daily basis. I realized months after Harv's death ,that he died for a reason I'll never know? I had to find acceptance in my heart that only G-d would know why(I wrestled w/ that one for a while,as I was mad @ G-d for a bit too).Once I let go and realized my brother would never suffer again & that he was in a better place, I shifted to being able to Honor his life & I found ways to honor him in death. I chose to live out his bucket list in honor of him.I went to Disney world in his honor..he always wanted to go there & never did. I went to DC's Cherry Blossom Festival in his honor,he loved going annually. I donated funds to the National Zoo for baby Tai Shan's maintainence(Harv loved the panda baby) and our family set up a place for financial donations to go to Harv's fav. charity St Lukes Foundation in his honor. We also did a web-memorial site for people to sign a guest book about him and I was able to feel like he would live on in a different way now. You can do any of the above in honor of your Brother(set up a fund for donations to the Epilepsy Foundation also to honor him :-) I think you are doing great! I didn't begin to function for months after Harv died and that truely was w/ the help of the gals on loss of sibling thread(Jackie,Claudia & Barb) and a GREAT therapists! I will keep you in my prayers :-)

Blessings ,

Diane

Ps. I can send you the link to my Bro's guest book & you can see how easy it is to have a vurtual memorial ..that helped me & my family alot

[katos1]

Time for another vent.

So I went and saw a counsellor yesterday. Haha. I couldn't believe it. I told her when I first saw her that I didn't need anyone to help me "change my thinking" or give me tips on thinking positive - I just needed somebody to vent to. I talked a bit to begin with, which was great, but we somehow end up talking about how I drink too much and how I need to be responsible for my behaviour and "get my act together"!?!

Yes, I probably drink too much (or used to, I drink way less now), but its something I'm happy to accept. I like to have a few drinks, my choice, my consequences, etc etc. I fully don't need a lecture from somebody about it. Anyway, I can half understand her having a go about that, but the other bit? are you kidding me?

I'm 22, I'm on a professional salary, working full-time, Coordinator of a youth centre. I rent my own place, I help my parents and family out, plus my friends. I study via correspondence. Apart from maybe exercising and eating a few more vegies, there's really not that much more i can DO to "get my act together". Jesus christ.

I definitely think I'll try to find a different counsellor. No wayyyy i'm going back there.

I just couldn't believe it. I've had a mate go to lockup and had seven deaths in a year, the worst being my brother who was such a major part of my life. I haven't been emotionally unstable about it at all, supported my family and friends through this whole year, I took only 2 days off work for "bereavement", I get up every day and clean and cook and work and laugh and live life, but  I finally decide that I need some timeout for me, so that I can have someone to talk to, because i'm just feeling sad and she tells me "its up to me if I want to stuff the rest of my life up". Why? Because I told her I have a glass of wine with dinner and have a big night at the pub maybe once a week or fortnight. Puhhhleeease.

This website is great.

[diane1234]

Katos,

Sounds like you need to keep looking. Sometimes it takes a few visits to different therapists, until you find the perfect fit. As for the drinking, who am I to judge you,you've been thru alot of death it seems. I know when my Brother died(over one & a half years ago now) , I went to a therapist, months later, who put me on antidepressants. They worked for a minute and then they really didn't help! Now I seek help thru a G-d of my understanding and I do ancient jewish rituals to try and get thru hard anniversay dates(like Tashlich for my Brothers upcoming June B-day). Sounds like for a younger woman ,you've got the professional side covered! How are you doing on the spiritual side? I read 2 great books since Harv died. One was by an author Max Lucado called "When G-d Whispers your name". It was such a helpful book to me. Lately I've been reading Eckhard Tolle's " A New Earth", a deep book, one that you totally need a spiritual &  theraputic background to read! I hope you find your new path since the passing of your beloved sibling. I know by just venting here, you are on the road to recovery & healing :-)

Blessings to you,

Diane

[countrysinger]

I've read that book too..When God Whispers your Name..wonderful book,as all of Max Lucado;s are.I've got them all.This is a great board,but as yet I've not made any friends....maybe soon....