Three Months After the Loss of My Mother

[Gallifrey]

I have no idea why this wouldn't allow me to go to the next line so I apologize for the longest paragraph ever written. I'm not even sure where to begin. It is July 18, 2013 and I lost my mother (54) on April 16th, 2013. I am 31 years old. She became ill around my senior year in high school, but nothing truly developed until I was around 24 years of age. Yeah, she had "spells" (as they are called in the South) almost immediately and sometimes I would rush into our computer room to find her on the floor where she landed head first and have to physically slap my mother awake, at times. But, each year brought on worse news. Then, each doctor's appointment brought on worse news. After that, absolutely no news became "good" news. My father was busting his butt at work just to make ends meet with all of the doctor and hospital bills pouring in. We all became dependent on one another. My oldest sister and younger sister ended up marrying and having children. I did continue to live my life, dating here and there, moving away twice even, but I always returned because that's where I was meant to be. No one asked me to "sacrifice" anything and I've heard that a time or two, but I didn't ASK them to ask that OF me. I did it because I knew in my heart that it was right. My mother was my everything. I had on and off again girlfriends, never had children, never got married, so I had never developed such an emotional connection in a loving sense as I did with my own mother. She was absolutely my best friend. Oh yeah, she had her Ups and Downs as all people do, but no matter what - that's my mom. And I had my own Ups and Downs, but no matter what - that was her son. Last year, my mother asked her doctor what he thought she had left to live and he told her with no changes, a year. Now, let me say this, similar had been said a few times over. After a horrible "spell" in the hospital, I finally coaxed her into letting me find her a new doctor. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my mother's doctor gave her many more years than was expected. And, I am constantly reminded by those around me, "Well, at least you had more time than expected with her.", "Well, at least it wasn't unexpected.", and so on and so on. Let me tell you what I would have loved to tell them - NO amount of time/preparation would have prepared me for what I seen my mother go through in the last 15 days of her life, NO amount of time/preparation would have been enough and, even as I type this out on my screen, I wonder if this excruciating, intense pain/sorrow that I am feeling could EVER go away. There are so many things I could say leading up to the entire event of losing my mother, but I won't waste anyone's time with that. I just know that my father woke up to go to work and as usual he went to wake my mother up and couldn't get her to wake up. My girlfriend, who has been amazing through all of this, had also got out of bed to prepare for work. She came rushing into the bedroom and told me that my father couldn't get my mother to come to. I rushed into the bedroom and tried and tried to wake her, but she wouldn't come to. Yes, she was breathing and her chest was moving up and down, but she just wouldn't wake up. We called 911 and after being told by them to administer CPR, four minutes later the EMTs are in the bedroom telling me that the dispatcher was wrong to have me do CPR. So, they struggle to get my mother's sugar under control (I had spoken with her Hospice nurse who had me call the one that was "on call" and she told me to take some granulated sugar mix with a small amount of water and put it on the side of her mouth to see if it would help. Well, it didn't and again the EMT told me she could have choked on that and it should have never happened. They load her up and rush her over. Well, she ends up being put into the CCU (ICU and CCU total visits were about 7 at this point). They did have the ability to have my mother wake up, but nothing of this world could have ever prepared me or my family for the heartbreak we were going to endure. Her body moved, her eyes darted around the room, but she wasn't there behind those eyes. My mother could only "moan" (not a good word, because it was so much more depressing than that) and more often than not, was fearful of people in the room. The doctors all told us that most of her body animation could be due to her detoxing off of her meds (which I was concerned could worsen the problem). She was, for all intent and purpose, brain dead but not the kind that most people see. Every 2 hours I would go into that room, watch my sisters rub lotion on her feet and hands, clean her mouth with special medical stuff, brush her hair, listen to my father talk to her and I could feel reality start sinking in deeper. It only got worse over the next 10 days in ICU but she remained "awake" and looking but looking right through you. Finally, the doctors told us there was nothing more they could do for her. They could put a feeding tube in and send her home with Hospice or we could take the aggressive approach with no feeding tube. Aggressive would give us 3-4 days and non-aggressive 7-10 days. Well, they put it in. But, a day after getting home the Hospice nurse shows us how to feed her and her gut has shut down. There's no alternative but to sit there and watch my mother starve. Of course, Hospice gave her a Haldol/Atravant (?) 'cocktail' and pain medication so that she could relax and not worry about the detoxing or pain. By the third injection, I would never see my mother's eyes again. A few days later and some very long days and nights, my mother passed away on a Tuesday morning at 11 a.m. with my sisters, my father, me, and her sister at her bedside. It is burned into my retinas. Her touching my right forearm to help her walk to the bed the night before everything happened can't be forgotten. The ONE thing I am so very grateful for out of all of this is that as I sat my mother on her bed, I told her I love you and my mother's last words to me on this Earth was "I love you". So, here I sit just over 3 months later at 4 am in the morning, another sleepless night. For someone who absolutely LOVED peace and quiet, it is an ugly bully now. The moment that my brain stops focusing on something, I am instantly taken back to it all. The moment that I think of not having her here tomorrow becomes unbearable, but imagining next month without her? It is literally tearing me apart at the seam. Some days I feel like I could just rip my own skin off because it becomes so overwhelming. I feel that I am losing it more each day. Every time that I have my weakest moment, I swear that I will call and get help the next day, but by then I have talked myself out of it. I am so very lost. I spent 13 years taking care of my mother and I literally have no direction. I literally feel like my whole entire world has just stopped existing altogether. God, I miss her...

[Popsy]

I am so sorry to hear you've lost your mum and that you are in such an unbearable place right now. It is so hard. My words seem so empty when writing them in comparison to what you are going through. I lost my Dad in February and I can relate to some of the things you say.

You are earlier in the long journey than I but I hope that if I share with you some of my intense feelings that perhaps you can feel a little more like you are not alone and that you are not going mad. If you are than I am too.

I find the worst parts are the responses of others at times, I've had "you knew it was coming so at least you could be prepared" Like you I feel like it is never long enough and you can never prepare for that time. It was 3 months from Dad's diagnosis to him dying but 3 seconds, 3 hours, 3 days, 3 months, 3 years, 3 decades it makes no difference to how I feel and my blood boils when I hear this. It boils when I read people have said this to you.

I won't tell you all my story as I don't want to distract from your feelings at the moment. I just wanted to say that around 2 or 3 weeks after my Dad died I too wanted to tear the skin from my body because all the emotions I felt that were so powerful. I at times have willed my heart to just stop beating as I no longer want to go on. It is much more difficult for you as you are grieving many losses right now, the loss of caring for your mum as you did so tenderly and lovingly for such a long time. I admire you for doing that, there are many that cannot or would not. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you as it must have been painful for a long time.

I feel lost too, very much abandoned. I feel a void, a big empty space that I want to fill up but no one can fill it. Only a couple of weeks ago I wanted to end it all. I thought I had lost it but since I've checked in on these forums I see that I am not alone in feeling like wanting out of the world. I have also behaved in angry ways I am not proud of when feeling deserted by those still here.

There is so much for you to process that anyone could understand you feeling like you are losing it, be gentle with yourself. I've found talking really helps me but only to those that have lost someone close too. Do you talk to anyone or are you holding it all in?

We have a grief charity called Cruse in the UK, they do grief counselling. I haven't been yet just enquired but they usually make you wait till at least 6 weeks before offering it as everyone is usually so raw as to be expected to soon after. The support groups are the same, some have a minimum waiting period for that reason. Perhaps there is something similar where you are?

It's so very hard as no one tells you what to expect when faced with this do they? No wonder most of us feel we are going mad. I hope that I have helped a teeny, tiny bit in letting you know you are not losing it because whatever you feel is normal. It's the price we pay for our deep love for someone. My thoughts are with you as many others are too who have read this.

[Dreamery]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's very upsetting. My dad died suddenly, we still don't know why but it doesn't matter. It feels so surreal,painful when I think about it all and it's hard to describe to people who don't know. People offer condolences but no one eill jelly understand until it happens to them. Hope you are keepin better

[Gallifrey]

I haven't yet looked into grief support groups for myself. I've considered it for my father. I mean, I often find myself talking with my girlfriend about this, but I also do not want to consume our relationship with the grief I am experiencing. She has never looked at me and told me to not discuss it with her. In fact, it is quite the opposite. She's even practically begged me to talk with her about it. But, I just can't let it consume our relationship. My dad has me and my sisters, but I know he isn't the talking kind. I know he isn't because I'm not either. Sometimes he will ask for a few minutes of my time and we will talk about her and life, but never about the pain and grief. That is okay, though. He is absolutely the last person that I want to discuss my grief with. The last thing he needs is to concern himself with me. They were married for 31 years, as long as I have been alive. This has really caused the spiritual and intellectual (not to say that those that are spiritual are not intelligent, but "scientific" doesn't fit right as a description) sides of myself to develop an ongoing war with one another, too. I know that others have spiritual weakness and/or strengths in times like these, but I am also dealing with what I hope was there waiting for her and what my intelligence is telling me the opposite of. How did everyone cope with this?

[kaycee42]

Hi I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that as time goes on things do change at times it is better and at other times you will feel like you are back at the beginning, I am afraid that this is the way of grief. When my mother died it took two and a half years for my Dad and me to begin to feel normal. I think in many ways my Dad's grief made mine worse as he was totally lost without Mum. My Dad died just as we were beginning to feel normal and there I was set on this roller coaster of emotions again. Some days I do not know who I am crying for. I guess what I am trying to say is that, it has only been a very short time for you. When you feel the need to talk perhaps involve your girlfriend, I know you do not want grief to engulf the relationship but try not to shut her out, us women can get a bit upset by that and she obviously wants to talk to you. Give yourself time to heal, I am guessing like me you will never stop missing your Mum but I have now accepted she can not be with me, but you know with time the pain does lessen. I wish you and your family well on your long road ahead be kind to yourselves.

[Lostwithoutmum]

I feel your pain, your post has touched me so deeply and got me tearful, cause the images of my own last days with mum, just came flooding back...For me, it's been 5 months, and the pain is just the way you describe it...

I know this feeling of helplessness, watching mum slip right in front of my eyes without being able to do anything, which makes me mistrust life

I also know this feeling of thorough sadness looking at mum's face, and praying for a smile, a word - small blessings that I took for granted before.....

And then the loneliness despite being surrounded by others, and the sleeplessness even when I am very tired, and the confusion and loss trying to process it all..

I have no clue how/if people come to terms with it; I get hit by waves of intense pain, like ebb and flow...but I know one thing, life will never be the same again.

Glad that at least you have an understanding girlfriend..

Take care of yourself