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Faking it or how I'm not as well as people think


Silvergirl61

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It has been almost three months since my beautiful bride passed and I have come to the conclusion that I'm not doing as well as I've led people to believe.

The first few hours and days, I really didn't feel anything. There was so much to take care of. I did it all myself. Arrangements for funeral, memorial, burial. I officiated, delivered the eulogy, made her wreath personally and paid for it all without help.

At about the 1 month mark I was energetic and actively job hunting(I lost my mob the day before Angie passed). I had a purpose and was doing fairly well.

Through out month 2, I was not finding work and the bank account dwindled. Bills started to pile up. Still no job. The emails, cards, messages and phone calls tapered off. I started to withdraw into my own fortress of my home with the cats and dog.

Found it increasingly difficult to find the energy to look for work. I just couldn't do it. Go out and face people, yeah right. I've been going to grief group and that helps, some.

Month 3, have given up on job search entirely. They just aren't any to be found. I got an eviction notice and I will be moving out. Not sure where yet, but I have a few options.

I will put most everything in storage and I've already started to give some of Angie's stuff away. That has been difficult at best. I really wasn't ready to go through her personal stuff yet. However circumstances have left me no choice. I've given to people that can and will use her stuff.

People ask me how I'm doing. I was telling the "OK", but I'm not. I know now that I am not. I know where and what I am supposed to doing, but can't seem to remember how.

I will still go to group and keep trying to find a job, but really I don't have the drive. I'm just going through the motions.

The truth? I am at the lowest point in my life, ever. No drugs or drinking, that isn't an issue and won't be.

If I had the funds, I would do what Neil Peart did. Buy a large motorbike and hit the open road for a year. Find some sort of healing and peace in the wide open space of this great nation.

I don't have any desire to "end it all" I like living and want to do that again. I just need to find my way back somehow. Right now I'm somewhere in between, like a vampire. Neither living, nor dead.

Thanks for your support.

May peace find us all.

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I'm very sorry for your loss, and the hardships that have followed - outside of the job, most are very common (people "disappearing" etc), not that that makes it OK or even better necessarily, just FYI that it's not you (it took me awhile to come to terms with that). I also know the stress of looking for and not finding a job, but don't give up. The economy is still rough but is on the increase, if only slowly. Networking is huge; try to find groups of people ("clubs" etc) in your field if possible or otherwise make connections somehow if you can. And this is just my 2 cents, but I would advise against doing something "radical" like the bike road trip thing - especially due to the job thing, but I think it's dicey to make any such drastic decisions for awhile - at least a year IMO - as your mind is (understandably) in chaos and so your judgment might not be on top of its game. No offense; I would say the same for anyone going through this - Heaven knows I was there. Regardless, I wish you the best in dealing with this - really 3 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things; this takes a lot of time to work through. Meanwhile feel free to vent here any time and browse the threads; I hope they prove helpful.

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Thanks W2,

Logically I know all of what you said is true and my post below was mostly venting. I won't do anything like hitting the road, but the temptation is there. Mostly just frustrated and angry with myself, for not being able to keep my poop in a group.

Yeah, yeah, give it time. I know, I know. I won't repress any feelings that I'm having, that is to dangerous. Although that is tempting, as well.

Another thing has occurred to me. We as humans have been around for quite a long time and have experienced death and loss for thousands of years. Why in the hell aren't we better at dealing with it? Seriously, it isn't like this is something new that we are trying to figure out.

Or maybe we have lost something along the way to modern Western Civilization. Did ancient humanity have it right in just accepting death as fate and just get over it. Assign a month of grief and be done with it? Many different cultures had/have many different ways of dealing with death, why does "ours" seem to be such a long drawn out process?

I guess I come around to the anger part again. Well more frustrated than anything.

As always,

May peace find us all,

With high regard,

Ern

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Ern, I'm sorry you are having to go through these financial problems at the same time you are trying to figure out how to deal with your grief. We have the same angel date, but as has been said many times, everybody's grief is different. You already know there are no magic words, but you understand that chatting about it here with folks who are dealing with their own similar loss can be helpful. It helps me anyhow.

When casual friends or coworkers (people who know about my loss but aren't close to me) ask me how I'm doing, I just say, "Better", and go on. I am doing better (most of the time), but truth be told it's just different shades of terrible. But, they really don't want to hear the details, and I don't want their casual sympathy. With those a little closer to me I often respond, "As well as can be expected", and then I can decide if it was a serious question and if I want to talk more (usually not). I have been staying away from casual functions to avoid the shallow sympathy. I feel at times like shouting at them, "How the ...... do you think I am?", but if I think back to how I was in the reverse situation I really can't fault them so much.

Hang in there the best you can my friend. Together we will somehow get through this even if we don't know how right now.

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Thanks OG,

Mostly just venting. It is my grief and my timeline, no one and nothing will change that. I do have a fairly good network and I will use it.

But the question of how humanity's grief evolved still stands.

Still swinging at sliders,

Ern

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Another thing has occurred to me. We as humans have been around for quite a long time and have experienced death and loss for thousands of years. Why in the hell aren't we better at dealing with it? Seriously, it isn't like this is something new that we are trying to figure out.

Or maybe we have lost something along the way to modern Western Civilization.

That's basically it. As we get better at cheating death, we get worse at dealing with it when it comes. I think it has something to do with the growing immaturity of our society too, but that's getting more philosophical than I care to right now........
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Everything that you say Em, is something that ive felt or thought, and im sure that many have. Hopefully its at least a little reassuring that others have and are feeling the same. I too, have no job, and have failed the few applications ive made, and have felt the sense of despair that comes from the feeling that no one wants you, that the one person that did is gone, and that you might as well be dead yourself cos it surely feels like you are. I too have wished i still had a bike so i could go for a very, VERY long ride. Riding always used to be the way i dealt with stress, but i had to get rid of my last bike about 8 years ago and havent been able to afford to get back into it. I too will have to move from this home that Alex and i shared at some stage, as the house is going to be sold. The one thing that isnt familiar is thinking i was ok.....ive known that im not ok ever since he died, and tbh im not sure i ever will be entirely ok again.

i think that humans have always surrounded death with ritual and ceremony simply because we couldnt, and didnt understand it or want to deal with it. The ritual gave a structure to the unknown, and everyone knew how to play their part, which could help but i think the pain was still the same. After all. no matter if its now, or 300 years ago or 3000, its still a loss of someones physical self, and while we may have any number of faiths that try to tell us what happens after our loved ones go, we dont KNOW where they are or what happens. The only difference really is that then, death wasnt a stranger. He walked with everyone, every day of their lives, whereas today weve fooled ourselves into believing that he isnt there, right behind us. We are the ones who have had that point driven home to us, and like anyone with bad news, the rest of society would rather that we didnt tell everyone that, that we didnt remind them all of how fleeting life that be, that we didnt infect them all with our sadness.

Sorry this started out on one track and ended up on entirely another but i hope you understand what im getting at. I hope you find that peace youre looking for, but i warn you, its a long hard slog, and you and i are just at the beginning

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Just to clarify, I have known that all along my journey to healing, I haven't been "OK". However, despair seems to have overwhelmed me at this point.

My journey seems to have stalled are at least taken a detour that has me very much feeling like I am lost without a map. And I like maps, even though I'm a guy. From what I can tell this is a journey of individual self discovery, even though billions of people have traveled the same path before me.

In many ways this makes no sense to me. Why reinvent the wheel? If that makes sense. My grasp of what I should do next is tenuous at best. I'm a relatively intelligent man and there has to be a better way that I am not seeing. More frustration than I have ever had in all my 52 years. Of course I'm frustrated, mostly with myself.

Afraid, yes a little. I don't want to feel this for the rest of my life. I don't want the pain to fade simply because the sharp corners have been worn off by constant use and the erosion of time. There has to be a way for it to be truly gone.

I may not be expressing myself very well, but I suppose that it may make sense to some. I'm not looking for an easy way out, just a way out that is clearly defined. Not just "time heals all wounds", but you can heal in time by doing x y z. It won't be easy, but this formula works for x amount of people x percent of the time.

Still the starry eyed day dreamer,

Ern

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Just to clarify, I have known that all along my journey to healing, I haven't been "OK". However, despair seems to have overwhelmed me at this point

ie you were basically numb initially and the reality is just now really setting in. Par for the course, I think.
My journey seems to have stalled are at least taken a detour that has me very much feeling like I am lost without a map.
From what I can tell this is a journey of individual self discovery, even though billions of people have traveled the same path before me.

I think this statement answers the one above it. You can't have a map for someplace no one has ever journeyed before (someplace meaning this specific journey only you are taking - you have only lost this person once, never before and never again).

My grasp of what I should do next is tenuous at best. I'm a relatively intelligent man and there has to be a better way that I am not seeing. More frustration than I have ever had in all my 52 years. Of course I'm frustrated, mostly with myself.
There are various things you can do or try to help, like counseling, volunteer work (or just plain staying busy in general), keeping a journal, leaning on family/friends wherever possible, and so on.....but above all I think remembering this takes a lot of time and being gentle with yourself. You're going through hell and back; why on Earth make it worse by beating yourself up, esp since it's totally unfair? It's not like you're responsible for this, and this is not some "problem" that has some known "methodology" or plan of attack - again because each one is unique.
I don't want the pain to fade simply because the sharp corners have been worn off by constant use and the erosion of time. There has to be a way for it to be truly gone.
If you mean the pain of missing them or not having them totally gone, no. Sorry. But most certainly it can and likely will fade a great deal and I think you can again be happy and regroup, ie it can become manageable, basically, You will never stop missing that person entirely, but that doesn't mean you have to be miserable forever, and certainly not in anguish like now.
I'm not looking for an easy way out, just a way out that is clearly defined.
Sorry, you're not likely to find either. This is a murky, windy road, I'm afraid.
Not just "time heals all wounds",
It doesn't.
but you can heal in time by doing x y z. It won't be easy, but this formula works for x amount of people x percent of the time.
I seriously doubt you'll find some nice and neat math equation-type answer; this is not a math equation, after all, but the human equation, and it's nothing if not unpredictable.

Don't mean to sound gloomy, but I'm not going to lie to you; this is bleeping hard. The good news, however, is that there are things you can do and at least some are likely to help, some even a great deal, such as those I mentioned above (if you browse the threads, you're bound to find more) and I've no doubt you CAN survive this and live - I mean really live, not just exist - again. Best to you -

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OK, I won't be so hard on myself. I'll keep plugging away at it. I will walk, read and talk. Lurk forums, gripe in grief group, take a breath and just deal with the hand that has been dealt.

Thanks for the kick in the butt, W2

From beneath the cloud,

Ern

PS. May peace find us all

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You're more than welcome to vent here any time as well of course. Till next!

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Or maybe we have lost something along the way to modern Western Civilization. Did ancient humanity have it right in just accepting death as fate and just get over it. Assign a month of grief and be done with it? Many different cultures had/have many different ways of dealing with death, why does "ours" seem to be such a long drawn out process?

I tend to suspect that we have become more sensitive to the issue with the advance of modern medicine. Death and dying is not so much a mystery anymore. The cause can almost always be determined, and medical science tells us what would have been, could have been, etc. We also have lives which are relatively easy compared to hundreds of years ago, when survival meant that you had to depend on yourself in every way possible. I have been thinking about the same question for weeks now. I'm so sorry that you have been going through this doubly difficult time, and you have been in my thoughts and prayers for days now. Best wishes to you Ern- sincerely.
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Silvergirl61

Wish you the best

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Ern, I'm sorry you are having to go through these financial problems at the same time you are trying to figure out how to deal with your grief. We have the same angel date, but as has been said many times, everybody's grief is different. You already know there are no magic words, but you understand that chatting about it here with folks who are dealing with their own similar loss can be helpful. It helps me anyhow.

When casual friends or coworkers (people who know about my loss but aren't close to me) ask me how I'm doing, I just say, "Better", and go on. I am doing better (most of the time), but truth be told it's just different shades of terrible. But, they really don't want to hear the details, and I don't want their casual sympathy. With those a little closer to me I often respond, "As well as can be expected", and then I can decide if it was a serious question and if I want to talk more (usually not). I have been staying away from casual functions to avoid the shallow sympathy. I feel at times like shouting at them, "How the ...... do you think I am?", but if I think back to how I was in the reverse situation I really can't fault them so much.

Hang in there the best you can my friend. Together we will somehow get through this even if we don't know how right now.

I usually post in a different thread, Loss of an Adult Child. However today, I looked at some of the other threads and noticed your response above....very well thought out....I may borrow some of your ideas to help me cope....I never know just what to say when someone asks...are they really asking??? or are they just doing their "duty"....

I am so sorry for your loss....I loss my son, age 28 last Oct 10, 2012....he was ran over on his motorcycle by a negligent driver...but grief is grief, the loss of a beautiful life...the loss of dreams....

Have a peaceful day....

Jesse David's Mom, Laurie

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Silvergirl61

I sympathize with a lot of the things you said..and oh how I wish I could just pack it all up and run away for a year or so!(and i apologize, for stepping into your thread.)

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'Somewhere in between" - "neither living, nor dead".... well put Ern, and how I feel most of the time since my hubbie passed in June. I also lost my job, but I was lucky enough to have lost it in September 2012 and not the day before he passed.... that is a horrible situation for you to have been in. My redundancy meant I could spend my husband's last 8 months with him everyday. He had been laid off two years ago and had just been hired for a similar position ( April) when his cancer went awol and he had to quit after 3 weeks. So right now I feel in between my old life and a new one but the new one seems way off on another planet somewhere and I am stuck in limbo. I have to start a "new life" but in the meantime find the energy and motivation just to plod through each day and some days are so challenging, it becomes just sheer determination to get through it. As for work... well that's another looming challenge. I have no idea how I will deal with that... I am no youngster and have thought of re-training as I will now have to work until I die. But don't have any drive either work or train. That being said, like you I don't want to end it all; just want to have this pain, loneliness, despair over and done with. Never in my wildest dreams/ nightmares did I imagine how awful this would be. Thankfully forums like this really help me get through. Take care.

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Still plodding along. I have no choice. Still unemployed with no hope in sight. I may have to call the folks for help and destroy what little dignity I have left. Camping wasn't the healing experience I hoped it would be.

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Ern- I am glad to see that you are hanging in there, and I'm sorry that camping wasn't therapeutic for you. I wish you the best, and hope that you stay here and post with us, and keep us updated on how you are. If you need help, please seek it. If I can help, please let me know.

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Hold on Ern. This journey is unfortunately not a short one, but you can do it. Along with the fun-fest that is job hunting (insert extremely sarcastic and disgusted look here), try to stay busy, hopefully including something "fun" or that at least interests you or is productive or whatever helps you move through the day. Some days harder than other, but I learned the hard way (I learn most things the hard way I think) it makes a real difference. PS if you're interested (OK: "desperate") some night, we generally tend to scrounge up a few for evening chats off and on, stop in.

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junglee queen

Hello Ern , I really hope that you find a job soon . Believe me getting your mind occupied at work helps somehow even if it was for few hours . Regarding the question of dealing with death . I think its a part of the human nature . We like to have our loved ones with us forever . i still struggle with what to believe in . i keep trying to decide what i want to believe in regarding what happens to the soul after death . Sometimes i keep telling myself that he is here around i just cant see him , so i keep talking to him and imagining his replies . Someetimes i get too angry and feel that this is all useless he is gone for good .

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Well I'm still swinging at it. No job yet. I'm starting to think that personnel managers think I'm nuts. I probably am a little. :-)

New development in my grief group. The leader was fired/let go, so yesterday's session was cancelled and we will have a new leader this coming Monday.

Not really looking forward to retelling and reliving my painful story to break in a new leader. I feel that I will have to tear the scab off the wound. I was just starting to feel like I could trust the former leader.

As always, may peace find us all. Good luck and clear skies,

Ern

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I know how you feel Ern. I have my appointment with my therapist the first week in September I am dreading going through everything again. Let the personal managers think your nuts at least they will remember you.

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Silvergirl61

Ern-I have read your posts, and some of the things in them have really made me think. I want to say hang on..and don't lose hope.. It took me several months to find a job..but just when i was ready to give up..one finally came along. It did help to get back to work, at least on the dignity front. I received a stern lecture from some members of my family, about being too proud to ask for help recently. They told me that it was insulting to them, that i would dream they would think badly of me , considering that they were feeling as though I didn't need or want them to help me..and I had never looked at it that way. I'm just going to say to you..I've always thought it was harder for men to ask for help than it is for women to do so(I know my brothers and my Dennis always hated to have to!)..and the ones that can bring themselves to do it, are usually the strongest and wisest of the bunch. Maybe that sounds sexist or wrong, but i don't mean it to be that way. It seems to me our society has forced us into some very strange rules and mores...and made it hard to step out of the box. Do what you need to, to take care of yourself..and I wish you the best.

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Well I haven't called my folks yet, I keep thinking that something is going to break and I will get a job. If that doesn't happen by Monday then I will call.

On another note, I have read a lot of people talking about "firsts". I know what they are and I seem to be at the place where I wake up and it is the first day of the rest of my life without my beautiful bride. Everyday for 4 months. I don't know how else to look at it.

Probably experiencing depression, all the signs are there. Weight loss, no drive, aches and pains....the list goes on. I am getting exercise and drinking water. Making myself eat as much as I can. No alcohol or drugs. I'm just going through the motions. It has to get better someday.

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MissingDaniel

I am so sorry that you are going through this, Ern. I think without my job and kids, I would be in even worse shape than I am now. The first couple of months, I really pushed things at work, and probably came pretty close to screwing up my job. I just didn't feel like going half the time, and half of that time, I didn't. But I'm thankful now to have it. I truly hope something works out for you SOON. Until then, hang in there. I believe it will get better for you with time. I still feel like I am just going through the motions, but I have to believe that someday I will realize that I'm doing perhaps a little more than that. Blessings to you.

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Well the job at Google was a myth. Another day shot to heck. At least I the stability of constant disappointment in my life. That and a warped sense of humor. :-)

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I'm sorry the job wasn't there. Keep trying. There has to be something out there. And my offer still stands. If you find yourself needing a place to stay, I have lots of room. I live in Marysville and commute to Seattle for my job, at least until I retire in December.

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Thanks KL, I'm still going to try to make a go of it here. You are sweet for offering though.

On a different note, I did upload some of my art and photos to my gallery. Some asked about it in chat the other night.

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I think your art work is wonderful. You should put together a portfolio and take it around to some galleries to see if there's any interest in a showing.

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I've shown around the area several times, unfortunately I haven't made a lot of money doing that. This art is very labor intensive and people seem to think that for that kind of money, it should be in color. It takes between 100 to 300 hours to complete an 8 x 24 piece. To get even a dollar an hour is lucky. But I sell a piece every now and then, plus I given a lot as gifts and charity auction donations.

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That's too bad. I get the same thing with some of my glass work. It will probably take 100 hours to do it. Half of that involves using a torch to shape the pieces. Then there are multiple firings in the kiln.

I guess it's the price you pay if you're self employed.

We have a manager position open at Group Health. I don't suppose you happen to be an RN? It's a requirement. I'd rather have someone who can manage.

Anyway, I wish you all the best. Something is bound to turn up.

Take care,

Karen

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I done and been a lot of things, but not an RN. I've been a production manager a couple times.

Now for a really tough one.

I talked to my mom the other day, I was updating her on what was going on in my life. Of course being a mom, she is concerned. After talking awhile she told me, "Don't worry, you will find somebody." All I could say was,"What?!" She kinda back pedaled and said just someone to be a friend not marry. I quickly changed the subject, so I didn't say something I would regret. Granted my mom is 87 and lost her first husband to Hodgkin's in the late 60's, so she may not remember how it felt when someone says something like that.

It really hurt a lot. I wept for an hour after the phone call. I really was caught off guard, makes me want to not talk to mom anymore. I will, but cautiously.

Sleep is erratic at best, I seem to be getting more lately. Yay.

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I done and been a lot of things, but not an RN. I've been a production manager a couple times.

Now for a really tough one.

I talked to my mom the other day, I was updating her on what was going on in my life. Of course being a mom, she is concerned. After talking awhile she told me, "Don't worry, you will find somebody." All I could say was,"What?!" She kinda back pedaled and said just someone to be a friend not marry. I quickly changed the subject, so I didn't say something I would regret. Granted my mom is 87 and lost her first husband to Hodgkin's in the late 60's, so she may not remember how it felt when someone says something like that.

It really hurt a lot. I wept for an hour after the phone call. I really was caught off guard, makes me want to not talk to mom anymore. I will, but cautiously.

Sleep is erratic at best, I seem to be getting more lately. Yay.

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Sorry to hear about the rough day Ern - she meant well of course, but it's SO much easier for people to say the wrong thing. Maybe she remembers being lonely when she suffered her loss and just doesn't want you go to through that.

Know what you mean about sleep. Hang in there (man I wish I could think of a better way to say that)

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Oh em, that must have stung! :( . We gotta keep in mind that people dont mean things the way they come out tho(leastways i hope they dont). Im sure that her comment came from distress at your pain, not thru any notion of forgetting your love, but ill bet that threw you for a loop. Glad to hear the sleep is getting better......i seem to have settled into a pattern with that, tho ive said that before and been wrong. I still dont sleep long periods, but i can at least get some now without being up the whole night. Guess we just have to keep plugging along.

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Silvergirl61

I've started trying to see it as a clumsy expression of caring, and an honest wish that I'll be happy again. Not sure that it's always meant that way, but it seems to help me to think so.

I hope for the best, and just take each day as it comes,..and so far, it's working. Today is a year, and I never believed I could make it this far. But it seems I have.

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I haven't posted for a bit, so here is an update.

Haven't been job hunting much. I just can't seem to find the willpower to even give a rat's ass anymore. It all seems pointless. Sure there are logical reasons why I should.

I want to start drawing again, but that seems futile as well.

I have an overwhelming loneliness that is there in the pit of my stomach even when I'm with people.

The only joy is in the past in my memories. I've changed, I don't like the new me. Caught in an endless loop with no end in sight. Why bother? Only because I'm on autopilot.

Where is the end, where is the peace, when is it my turn at happiness? Is this what I am to expect for the rest of my life? Overwhelming sadness til complete blackness envelopes me?

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Something will come up. Try making yourself get out, and go for a walk every day..to someplace where you will be forced to at least speak to some people, and get some sunshine on your face...it seems to help, just not feeling completely isolated.(at least for most) hope things feel better in a day or so...I think I am getting used to the high and low times in my life. Nope, I never expected it to be like this , either. I know it may not help much, but i don't think any of us here did. Hang in there..lots of people are in your corner..(even if we are kind of invisible friends)and we're all wishing you well.

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i do understand how you feel, esp about the job thing. Its very hard, and nothing i can say can make it easier. I wont say anything about having to keep on trying cos you already know that, and besides, KNOWING that isnt what the problem is, its doing, and thats hard when you cant see the point in any of it anymore. There is a point tho, and that point is that you DO deserve a chance at happiness again. I look around this forum and i see good kind people who for no fault of their own are thrust into a situation that is all but insurmountable, and i see them doing their best to help each other, you as much as any of us and i know that each and every one of us deserves to be happy. Go out for a walk as SG has suggested....there is still beauty in this world, tho it may not feel like it now. Get out your sketch pad and draw......it doesnt have to be perfect, it doesnt have to be pretty, and in fact if youre drawing from the heart at this point in your life it probably wont be, but put marks on paper. That was something that my art teacher always used to say in school......all great art starts with marks on paper, so make some! just start.

The lonliness i think is something that only those of us who have lost their life mate, can really understand and i know it hurts. It really is a black cancer that can eat away at you till you just curl up and shrivel away. Donlt let it do that to you. You have more to offer than that. I hope the clouds lift for you.....there really is light out there. I know i didnt believe it either, but ive seen flashes of it and i know i want to be in the sun again...not there yet, but im working on it.

On a purely practical note, make sure youre eating and drinking and resting enough....hard enough to deal with all this when in good shape.....well nigh impossible if youre sick. You can do this, i have faith in you.

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Ern - what kind of work do you do? I know that if I didn't have my job I would absolutely lay down and die. For that reason look for ANY job. Tailor your résumé for different positions. The job I have now I had to really lower my experience and take an entry level position and I have worked my way up to the top again. I almost had to beg for this job 12 yrs ago. Have you signed up with a placement agency or even as a temp to perm position? Now days employers are looking for highly experienced people who maybe don't have a certain degree because they can get those people a little cheaper than a degreed professional. Resumes have to be tailored for each position, it is no longer a "one size fits all", like it used to be. If I can help in any way just hit me up. I am the HR Manager for the company I work for.

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I truly wish I knew what to tell you. I can't even tell you it will get better because I'm not there yet. We all deal with our grief in different ways and right now I have to make a conscious decision to keep trying every day.

It helps me to have someone to talk to. I'm going to pm you my phone number. If you need to talk, give me a call. You can say as much or as little as you want. I can't always talk at work but I can promise I'll call back as soon as I can.

I have to believe we can all get through this. I hope you can find it in yourself to believe that too.

HUGS

Karen

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