It's been a year

[ElemmireAnini]

Yes, it's been a year since my fiance killed himself in our bedroom, a little over a year now. That day is still really blurry in my mind. But so many things that I couldn't remember are coming back. I'm having panic attacks and crying fits. The worst are the nightmares I can't seem to wake up from. I find myself wishing he had killed me before he killed himself. I should be glad to be alive, but I miss him so much.

I had a complete melt down the weekend anniversary that he died. I screamed and cried and scared the crap out of my boyfriend. I've been pretty unsettled since then. I just want to feel better. I want to know that it is possible to get through this feeling to something more manageable.

[LizzyW]

Have you considered seeking therapy or counseling? A loss by suicide is particularly difficult to deal with, and carries some extra baggage with it, than loss from illness or accidents. I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time, but I wonder if you are holding a lot of pain and questions inside that need to be expressed and dealt with. Hugs to you- wishing you a good recovery, and a better life. This is a very rocky road we travel.

[ElemmireAnini]

I go to counseling, but it's difficult for me to open up. There's just a lot of back story and complications to all of it. I think I don't really trust anyone yet.

[catz]

i think you really need to give counselling and therapy a good go....by that i mean you have to open up. Its hard and theres no easy way around it. Theyre there to help and support you to face things, but they cant do that if they dont know what youre facing. Trust me, often, when its actually said out loud, it helps to process things. Suicide compounds the grief and shock of a sudden death by a huge margin (i know, ive been through a few suicides, my cousin was the last one), and you really are going to need help to deal with the aftermath.Also, shop around for a therapist....they are not all created equal, and you need someone that you are comfortable with, so keep looking till you find one. *hugs* "every journey begins with the first step"...youve taken that first step, and thats admirable, now dont be afraid to ask for help now that youve gotten a little lost on the way.

[LizzyW]

I go to counseling, but it's difficult for me to open up. There's just a lot of back story and complications to all of it. I think I don't really trust anyone yet.

Please open up with them. They are not there to judge, and if they are, then seek out another counselor. They should be objective and non-judging with you. Their role is to help you, not make it worse.

[ElemmireAnini]

I told my councilor the truth. I told her that I think about suicide. It's in my dreams mostly. I just don't want to be put into a hospital. I'm not going to do it, but I do think about it a lot. I miss him so much. I need a vacation, there is too much stress.

On another note, I think Gordon talked to me. He showed me what his last day was like. I don't know if it was real or not, but it felt real. It was a dream, but it wasn't a dream. It started out as a dream, but continued while I was awake and getting ready for work. Has anyone else talked to their dead partner?

[needy]

I know that was very hard for you, I am so happy you opened up to your counselor. Has your counselor helped you with your stress?