Members ruby1983christine Posted June 12, 2008 Members Report Share Posted June 12, 2008 i know how you feel mine wasn't my dad he was my companion, bestfriend and he was very important to me ,u treasure every thing u had with them but it can be hard on you it was hard on me and now he is gone 03-06-08 and i have had to seek professional help with my copeing with his death because i can't handle it all.i know u worry about all kinds of things and he knows you love him i cried in front of mine, in private it destroyed me seeing him detriate the way he did with cancer it was scarey really. i took care of my companion until the very end i kick myself some time if i could have done better to help him, and really in reality there wasn't anything i could do because of what was wrong with him. good luck with things . melissa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted June 18, 2008 Members Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 Thanks for your words of encouragement Melissa.Today is not a good day, dad has two or three days of good moments, today he was doing so well but then tonight he got a bowel movement and dirty his underware, he got so depressed, to make things worst then he started feeling all of the sudden weak and went to bed, he got really nervous and all stressed out. I don't think I can handle anymore, I felt my baby move for the first time a couple of days ago, but then I feel so overwhelmed, so at lost, so worried all the time! Gee!!!! I need a break, I sure need, I cannot jeopardize my baby's well being but then I cannot just turn my back to it all....I feel like crying tonight... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ruby1983christine Posted June 19, 2008 Members Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Ur welcome for the words of encoragement i understand really well what u are going through except mine wasn't my father he was my companion. but Harrison did the same thing as ur father did and from last year up till he died i was scared and i wanted to walk away, i didn't want to see him going through what he was but i couldn't walk away from him, he had a lot of people walk out on him and i wasn't going to be the one, i didn't want it on my conscience for the rest of my life that i walked away and it would carry with you too. ur right u need to concentrate on ur baby he or she is important too even though u get tired and upset but right now dad depends on more then ever, because you are there and he probably gets upset he has accidents on himself Harrison use too get so upset but he knew i wasn't to to be there i kept his diginty as best i could i kept him in pull ups instead of diapers he was still a man. i never had a relationship with my father and he got like ur dad, Harrison .my step-mother took care of him i couldn't do it because he miss treated me as a child and i wasn't going to take care of him he had several people to help him.i know u get upset @ what ur daddy is going through because u hate seeing him go through what he is it hurt me too very badly. the baby needs ur strentgh to be born, he or she feels the upset ness and he or she doesn't need that fib. if God decided to take dad u will miss him a lot but u will have a part of him with u his Grandbaby and so u will never loose dad. i had to start keeping pull ups on Harrison all the time because he was in that stage of looseing his bowels and he just had to stay in bed and after he went to bed all the time not too long he was gone phneunia and his cancer had moved through the rest of his body and he was gone.and i am not saying that too scare u either i am being honest. ur daddy knows u love him and he will leave this world knowing u was there to help him and he will always remember that. keep me posted as things go with ur daddy i would like to hear the stuff that goes on .i understand well.sincerely, melissa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members k9iamnot Posted June 21, 2008 Members Report Share Posted June 21, 2008 I can understand the frustration you're feeling of believe me when I tell you if you do not get a better attitude about your father's death than you will never forgive yourself after he's gone let him know that is OK for him to leave this life and go on to the next he may be waiting for the birth of your child forgive me for saying so that you seem to be a bit selfish there is a wonderful organization called hospice they come into the home of the terminal ill and make their death experience as comfortable and pain free as possible there is no charge for their service a registered nurse who come to the home they will bring a comfortable hospital bed and help with the dying person where the family can no longer help they stay until the dying person has given their last breath I'm sure you can find a hospice in your area they are all over the United States Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted June 24, 2008 Members Report Share Posted June 24, 2008 Thank you both, however I am currently living outside the US and no hospice care is available, I do have a nurse hired that spends the entire time there. I think I need to find a balance between worrying and not affecting my pregnancy. I don't think I am being selfish, I have my good moments, of course I do not vent on my father or treat him different, I just wish things would be different, that he could be fine and he could be enjoying his grandchild. I don't think anybody is expected to go thru this all without having a down moment. There is no better attitude about death, my dad will die, I won't have his physical presence...I cannot help but feel pain, sorrow and pain. I wish he didn't have to suffer, not for me...but for him, he does not deserve it. He has been the greatest man in the entire world and he knows exactly how I feel, we have a tremendous relationship. Sometimes I am just tired, stressed and truly depressed...if letting it all out sounded like a selfish act, I am sorry but truth to be told is that sometimes I don't think it's fair. He knows I am here, I have told him in many different ways and times that he knows everything will be OK that he can departure whenever he wants, I feel that as a daughter, sole supporter and sole caregiver of both my parents I have done my very best, when the time comes to say good bye I won't have regrets. Sometimes the pain to see him, my once strong dad, slip away between my fingers and not being able to solve things for him, to understand that this is no longer in my human's hands, that I can no longer "solve things" it's what's really killing me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted June 24, 2008 Members Report Share Posted June 24, 2008 Melissa, my dad is refusing diapers, pull ups or even something to help him walk, as you I try to keep his dignity up, no more accidents have happened, I guess it was because he is now kind of lactose intolerant so no more regular milk for him or any thing that's milk related Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 2, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2008 It's been a while...well my dad went to the Dr. his eyes and skin are back to normal, his kidneys are working great however his liver numbers are not that good. PA and GGT are 1,481 and 800 too high, also another one Transamilas Oxo somthing is 73 and it says high. He also has anemiae...let's see what the doctor has to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 4, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 He is not feeling that good today...says he feels weak and that he feels cold... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members k9iamnot Posted July 5, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 It seems the time is comming soon. The nurse from hospic tod us that when a person is ready to die the sole will hang on and not let the body die. We were told to tell the person that it is ok to leave this life. reasure them that everyone will be ok. Try not to cry to much.The sole will hang on and keep the body in pain intill it feels that all the love one will be ok. and that ther is no unfinshied bussiness.GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 13, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2008 My dad is still hanging on....his new tests came and his anemiae is a little bit worst and his liver enzymes tests are also higher , he is still eatting good, however tonight he broke a fever for no aparent reason, he does sound a little bit like if a flu or something could be getting to him, still took a tylenol and the fever went away.Each day is an agonizing day...this is really taking a huge toll in my mental health, I swear I must be suffering from some kind of depression as a drop of a needle sends me to crying hell. I know asking myself why my dad...is not gonna solve anything, I know that things will develop as they want to develop and I don't have any control over them...still my heart breaks, I cannot help but worry and my own tests are showing already signs of how the stress is affecting me, I have anemiae and I know it is because I don't get hungry because I am constantly worried...I am so scared of damaging the baby growing inside me but at the same time I feel so guilty if I take time for myself...Truth is I love my dad beyond words can describe, he has been my support, he gave all he had to make my life and my sister's life a better one...I don't want him to go, I want him to see his grandkid, to tell him stories about war and older times, to show him about respect, about responsability...but it seems destiny has decided that's not gonna happen and I will be left with a horrible hole in my heart that nothing will be able to fullfill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 14, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 14, 2008 They just took him to the hospital, woke up shaking and without being able to breath....I am heading there....will be back later.:( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 15, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 Dad was moved to the oncology/hematology ward, he is "clinically stable" however he needs blood transfusion fast. His type of blood is O negative and in this country the blood bank is a disaster, O negative is a rare blood to find and yesterday I couldn't find any, the red cross has promised two pints for today and then I found a donor also for today. Those are 3 pints of blood and last time he was given 6 so I don't know how much blood I will be able to get today but at least that's a start.He called me earlier to say good morning and asked for the baby...it takes a lot from me not to just break down and cry whenever I think that he could be easily slipping away from us...that he won't get to know my child...His feet are swollen and last night they were soooo cold, hubby took off his thick socks and gave it to him, he asked me to pray for him twice and to take care of myself, it's like he knows that his time could be arriving...he is still conscious though and still talking lively, watching Tv, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 15, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 10 pm. and my dad got the first of three pints, the nurse said that they are doing some tests and see how much his hemoglobin improves with this first pint and then they are going to give him the other one and repeat the procedure....I will try to get one more pint...keeping my fingers crossed. He is still eatting good and in good spirits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 18, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 Dad is still at the hospital, he is responding well to blood transfusions however he has been having asthma attacks since two days ago.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 19, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2008 Asthma and short of breath episodes are increasing, last night the nurse said he wanted to call me at 1 am. to say "good bye" because he was dying.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 19, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2008 Latest update on my dadMy dad was hospitalized Monday July 14 at 3:30 am, he woke up choking and saying he couldn't breath. At the ER he was sent to the Oncology-Hematology ward of the hospital, so far he has gotten 3 pints of blood to increase his hemoglobin which was 6, he has improved tremendously but since two days ago he has started to have difficulty breathing, last night was the worst, he is still conscious but I can see some signs of really big deterioriation.1. His face looks so sucked in2. His eyes are so tired and they seem a little lost every now and then.3. He is weak.4. He has stopped wanting food since two days ago.5. He has started to say good byes6. He doesn't want to speak much.7. His voice is tired, gets zappy and I cannot understand what he says sometimes.8. His cough is coming out with a brown twinge in it9. His legs are really swollen.10. He is restless but tired.11. He says that if he goes to sleep he won't wake up.I may be seeing the last days of the King, I don't know if he is going to stand this one...not for sure...and today I could see his face saying "I am tired....too tired to even talk"My heart is breaking...I will update more laterKarolyn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members carlawarla Posted July 19, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2008 Hang in there. I recognize the signs from my baby . Don't know what to say feel so close to you and suffer the whole thing over again. I'm always here for you my friend Carla Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 20, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2008 Carla my dearest friend, I sent you an email but decided to avoid the details because I know how much you ache, this is a very difficult time for you, don't worry because I fully understand that words do not come to you right now...the nurse I hired just informed me he had a crisis at 5 am., she thought "that was it", he was asking to be sent home, that he wanted to died at home, sadly they won't release him in those circumstances and since I currently live outside US there is no hospice care here. I don't think it will be long before he passes away, I guess he is just ready but he needs to feel that I will be able to take in charge of things. I am heading there after lunch but honestly I don't know if I will be able to keep it together in front of him... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 20, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2008 Just left the hospital crying so hard...he is already in bed, so weak he cannot even control his hands, he is breathing very heavily and I guess death rattle is here...he is in no pain...no pain at all...but he seems restless and cannot talk anymore...too weak to talk... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 20, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2008 I just came from the hospital, the situation looks very bad. He is not being able to breath correctly and I think I saw the starting of death rattle. He is also highly restless, wants to take his clothes off and cannot talk anymore. His eyes are half closed and they get lost every now and then, he waves his hands in the air like wanting to either reach for something I cannot see or hold on to something.I sat with him for 4 hours, hold his hands, talked to him about our life together, told him that I loved him, that he could go in peace because I was gonna be in charge of everything. I kissed him and caressed those hands that once hold me as a child...now so weak...so lifeless.I guess eventhough he is not dead yet, I could see there was so much of him that was not there anymore. I don't think he will make it thru the night and if he does...I honestly do not think he will be able to survive tomorrow, he seems so ready to go, so weak, so frustrated with his physical body.I am crushed...sad...depressed...words cannot describe how I feel. He was my king, the one and only "solve everything" guy...he will be missed beyond words can describe... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members butterfly13 Posted July 20, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2008 I just read your posts and I feel so badly for you.I went through the same thing in June with my mom.It was a nightmare and I re-live it in my mind constantly.You never want to see someone you love so much go through that physical and mental torture.I will keep you and your dad in my prayers tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 21, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 21, 2008 Today at 2:00 pm. my dad lost his battle to Cancer, he went away peacefully, he went into semi coma yesterday and this morning his eyes were blurry and seemed lost. His breathing started to get slower and each breath took a little longer to be heard. Until he took one final breath and that was it, peacefully...like a litle angel..like he went to sleep.I will miss him for the rest of my life... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 22, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Yesterday...on my birthday...The King lost his battle to Cancer at 2 pm. He went away peacefully, little by little the intervals between breathings were longer until there was one last breathing done and no other sound....just silence...I am going to miss the King...beyond words can describe. He was the greatest dad in the entire world. He was always worrying about me and my well-being. Before his eyes I was the best person in the entire world, I always did things "perfect" for him and he marveled in every little achievement I had, my college graduation, my promotions at work...they were all successes for him...then my marriage and during all my infertility ordeal he was always there...with that quiet support you need during that time, that support that had no words but said so many things.With my pregnancy it was an every day "are you doing ok?" moment...he loved me beyond words and it is that unconditional love and care I will miss so greatly, our early mornings chat, sending me the important BBC and CNN news by email and keeping me informed of everything that was going on in the world. His faith in me...he trusted me so much that he used me as support whenever he felt he couldn't go on...He loved my writing, my blog was his favorite thing to read and whenever I went on without writing for a while he would say "hey why haven't you updated your blog? I am telling you...you should write a book"His compliments...it wouldn't matter how ugly I thought I looked...he always said "Ohhhh you look so pretty today"...the way he caressed my pregnant belly even at the hospital two days ago...it was so gentle, so full of love...Yes...the King will be missed...he took a part of my heart with him, something that cannot be replaced by anything or anybody. I was his little girl...the one that made him proud every minute...Before his eyes I was the human being I wish I could be...he could see more in me than anybody else.Closing his eyes and giving that "see you later dad" kiss closed a chapter that will be reopened whenever we find each other again...there were so many things left to do, so many things left unspoken, so much love left behind...but I know daddy that this is just temporal and that eventually we will be reunited again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jackiewitter Posted July 22, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 karolyncaI am so sorry that the road has ended for your father. I know the pain you must be feeling right now and I wish there were some words of comfort that I could offer you. But I have none, no matter how sick your father was, or frail or dissappearing, there is little comfort in the fact that his pain and his fight have ceased and he is gone. I know this for my father suffered through the final stages of alzheimer's and no matter how ready I was for him to either leave this life or return to me as he was, the pain of his leaving is embedded in my soul. I will tell you though that while it may not seem as such now, you do have what many do not. You got to spend his final moments with him. I did with my father and I will cherish those last hours for the rest of my life. I was there to hold his hand and love him until he went to where my mother was from a few years before. I felt that it was an absolute honor and I literally watched my dad as he sat up and looked right through me at someone or something beyond me. Then he smiled and he was gone. I felt as if I had literally passed him off to my mother. I believe with all of my heart that as he let go, he let go of my hand and took my mothers. My heart is with you and I know there is little that I can offer, but in the coming days and months, and even years, if you need to talk or reach out, I am hear to listen. I hope that God holds you so close so that you may feel some comfort and promise. My prayers are with you. Peace & blessings, Jackie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted July 24, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 24, 2008 Thanks Jackie, I have moved and opened a new thread at Loss of a Father/Mother forum.My hugs to you too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shellbellsmom Posted August 5, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Karolynca, I am so sorry for the lost of your father....I just read many of your post. This is the first time I have been here "My dad has cancer". As hard as it may be right now thinking about your life without him….try and think about how he is not having problems breathing anymore and is pain and cancer free. I lost my daughter age 22 last year to leukemia and know your pain and how hard it was to let her go.... they are now free from their disease. Last week our press had an article on the front page telling of the critical need for blood donations especially O negative. My husband went down there first thing in the morning and donated his O negative blood to the bank. He cried the whole time while giving it....it’s so emotional for us especially knowing the amount my daughter needed everyday. I pray you can find some peace with your fathers loss....you have a long journey ahead with your grief, so be patience and know that others are on the same journey as yourself. Take Care,Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members karolynca Posted August 7, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 Thanks a lot Sue, as you say I am trying to find comfort knowing that he is now free of the difficulties that he had to deal with. Yes O negative blood is difficult to get...I will definetely keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers...It's not easy....I would say right now I am trying to live one day at a time.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators Kelly Posted April 6, 2009 Author Administrators Report Share Posted April 6, 2009 Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?It's Trudi.Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!If Trudi can make it, so can you! Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/Hope to see you there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators Kelly Posted August 8, 2010 Author Administrators Report Share Posted August 8, 2010 Dear Members,We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden, but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com. Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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