new here, struggling

[andysgirl]

it's taken me a while to be able to post on one of these boards but seems like most everyone is feeling the way I am so figured why not. 5 months ago my boyfriend died of a heart attack, it's been devastating, he was only 37. I don't understand how this happened, there were no warning signs, he had some bad habits but drs I've spoken to say there was likely a heart condition we weren't aware of for it to happen so young. who knows. Since that day it's been pure crap. sleep sucks, work sucks, everything sucks. I feel myself getting angrier and angrier, not at him but that this is my life now. I feel stuck. We were together 1.5 years, happily in love, planning our next steps for moving in this summer, our future together. I waited a long time to find a good guy like him. Was excited and scared to see where we went next. It's not fair.

He family has been awful. we always got along but in the weeks after his passing they got difficult to deal with. his sister screamed at me for wanting one thing of his (he was a big sports fan so I had asked him mom for a jersey, mom said yes, sister didn't agree). Then his mom emailed days later saying she was sorry I was sad but I'll have other boyfriends along with some other very hurtful things. they know how much he loved me, and me him, so it was so hurtful to all of a sudden be made to feel like garbage and like I meant nothing when I had always had a good relationship with them. He and I spent all our time together. Pretty inseparable. Perhaps they were mad because I was the one he spent all his time with? I just can’t make sense of anything. I know they are hurting too but this was beyond grief, it was deliberately spiteful, purposefully kicking me while I was down. It’s made this process even more difficult, to think that the man I loved and his family that I loved is out there spewing who-knows-what about me now. I never responded to that email, felt it was best not to engage but that was hard, feeling like I was all of a sudden put in a place where I needed to defend my relationship, harder because he wasn’t here to help me. Maybe they just didn’t like me as much as they let on, he always said they were difficult people. I never imagined it could be like that though. It's hard not having them around to talk to, to do this with but they clearly can't share their grief with me. It makes me so sad because I wanted nothing more but to remain a part of their life - they even referred to me as his fiancé and said I was the best thing to ever happen to him. then this. Again, just can't make sense of it. I know I likely never will.

This whole thing is just hard, every day. It’s exhausting on every possible level. Relationships with family and friends have changed because no one knows how to help me out of this, no one knows what to say so they say nothing at all and that's even worse, they think it's awkward, well welcome to my life. I know I’m pulling away from people as well because I just can’t deal with their “pick something positive to focus on today” stuff – like there is nothing positive for me to focus on. I hear it in their voices, that they just want me to be better but that they’d rather not talk to me because I’m such a bummer. Having social anxiety as well, thoughts of going someplace where I'll run into people who know but I haven't seen yet makes me very nervous. Will they say something, won't they? ugh.

Have been seeing a therapist and a naturopath to help with the grief and the depression, it helps in spurts. They keep telling me to talk to people who might be going through the same things as me, so here I am, honestly wishing I weren't.

[MissingDaniel]

My heart goes out to you. He was so young. It's always going to be hard to lose someone you love, but especially so when it is sudden and out of the blue like that. My husband was 39, and again, that just seems so young to lose someone.

You know, the whole idea that you have to have a legal relationship with someone to grieve them is ridiculous. One thing I have realized in this - the loss of your spouse/fiance', or the equivalent of that, is a unique one. Everyone that loves that person is sad and missing them, but it's especially hard for you, because that person was a part of your everyday life. You shared every day with them, maybe even woke up with them in the morning and laid down with them at night. They were your partner and other half. No matter how long you may have been with them, or whether there was a marriage certificate, you loved them and they were everything to you. That kind of loss should never be minimized. I'm so sorry that his family is doing that to you.

I'm sure you've heard it before, but you will have to grieve at your own pace and in your own way. It may take time to feel like being around people again. It's been 2 months for me, and I am doing better around my close friends, but there are people at work who used to speak to me that go out of their way to avoid me now. It is unfortunately a common reaction for people, because grief and sadness makes them uncomfortable. It will get better.

Keep it up with the therapist, and it sounds like a group might be good for you. I haven't found one yet, but I want to. It would help you begin reaching out socially to people who are not going to be uncomfortable with your grief. I wish you healing and peace!!

[LizzyW]

I am so sorry to hear about this, not only your loss, but how his family is treating you. That is so very sad. Your loss was sudden, and this seems to make it doubly difficult. I lost my husband from an unexpected heart attack on Apr 28, so I can somewhat identify. It's hard to grapple with when it's so sudden and unexpected. I would suggest a book that I am reading, titled "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye", about sudden loss, and the grieving process. I have found it helpful, or at least as helpful as I think I should expect. Best wishes to you, and feel free to post with us. I think it helps to express ourselves to others.

[needy]

thisishard, my heart goes out to you. I too am having problems with extended family so I know what are you going through. Unfortunately I do not have any magic solution for you. For myself I have to let all my "nasty" feelings go, I have to focus more on myself and helping my children. MissingDaniel, Lizzy and myself are all reading I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye, I would recommend it. Try to keep yourself busy it does help but you are going to need time to grieve. Wish I could give more advise, but kind of having a bummer day myself.

[catz]

Im so sorry you have to go through this, thisishard, and i can relate. My fiance was 27 when he passed suddenly in his sleep. We still dont know why, tho he had other medical issues, there was nothing that should have been life threatening. I was his carer(due to a neurological issue caused after an operation which caused tremor) and the one who found him, and had to call the ambulance, and i can honestly say on that day, a large part of me died with him. I am eternally grateful tho, that his family have been wonderful to me, and i havent had to deal with the things you have. When someone dies suddenly and unexpectedly there are a whole host of issues that come up, and its hard, so very hard on the ones left behind. I can also recommend "i wasnt ready to say goodbye" as a help in these dark days for you.

Unfortunately i cant help with his family. All i can say is do your best for you, and your naturopath and therapist are a good start. In spite of being totally accepted by my fiances family, they do live a long way away, so i do understand that feeling of wanting to share and not having anyone around to share with. I too, am socially awkward, it was one of the things that Alex, my fiance, was so good for me with, cos he was totally gregarious, loved people and they loved him. Me, not so much, and given that im estranged from my own family, means that i have really only one friend that i can turn to......and she hasnt called me in over a month. I try to understand that, cos i know that he was her friend too and she too had a loss, as well as having medical issues of her own to deal with. But its hard being left alone with your thoughts at times like this, isnt it. And yes, it IS exhausting and i can totally get drawing away from people cos you just dont have the energy to deal with them, even as you die inside cos youre lonely and need to talk to someone. Its not logical but then, NOTHING about mourning and loss is logical. Take care of yourself, make sure you eat and drink, and sleep as much as you need to. and treat yourself gently. Youve been through a hell of a trauma and recovery is going to be hard and long. *hugs*

[widower2]

He family has been awful. we always got along but in the weeks after his passing they got difficult to deal with. his sister screamed at me for wanting one thing of his (he was a big sports fan so I had asked him mom for a jersey, mom said yes, sister didn't agree). Then his mom emailed days later saying she was sorry I was sad but I'll have other boyfriends along with some other very hurtful things.

Very sorry for your loss and the "salt in the wound" of this as well. Well done not to respond; I would have been very tempted (perhaps with similarly idiotic things like "sorry you're sad but you have other children"). Or perhaps even just printed out this page and sent it to them so they could see the world now knows what they're really all about and how much they have hurt you. I hope you got the jersey that the obnoxious sister didn't want you to have. For long reasons not worth explaining I didn't get much of my beloved's things either, her family (also some real prize-winners there) did, but fortunately some I just kept that they did not know about (nothing of any real monetary value, but valuable to me). Them grieving is no excuse for such disgusting behavior. Hold onto those who do at least try to understand and be there for you however they can. You can weather this; it's just such a long #$%@ storm.

[andysgirl]

thank you all for your kind words. I've actually had that book sitting on my dresser for about 4 months - I started to read it and it felt like too much but I should probably go back to it. The other one I have is "I can't stop crying" which I've also found helpful. I am going to go to an in-person support group next month, they say it's good to share with people who are going through the same thing as you and it's a group specifically for those who have lost a spouse/partner. We shall see I guess.

I never did get a jersey, I thought maybe after they had some time to reflect on their behaviour maybe they would mail one, but nothing. Although that day I was there his mom did mention she was going to mail something to his ex - the girl who totally broke him, cheated on him, had a baby with another guy. The girl who they hated up until the day of the funeral - but I guess since she wasn't with him anymore she didn't pose a threat of "taking him" from them. I am more jealous of that girl in his death that I ever was during our relationship. Jealous that she had more time with him than I had, jealous that now his family seems to just love her. It makes me very angry. Even though she did email me after it happened and was very nice, we had a nice exchange of emails, felt like I could talk to her because she knew him like I did. But then she stopped responding, maybe because it was hard for her, or maybe because her guilt was too much to handle knowing how badly she hurt him and knowing we had a much different and less toxis relationship. Who knows. It just really irks me.

I don't understand what changed with them. We always got along and when this 1st happened his mom was happy to talk to me because we were feeling many of the same emotions. but then they all went away together and after that something changed. He and I had been booked to go on a trip for valentine’s day, they tried to push me into going but I just couldn't do it. so I spoke with the agent and got his portion of the trip refunded and they were nice enough to extend me a voucher for another time. so even though I got the trip refunded and there were no longer any expenses associated with it on his credit card (he booked for both of us and had already paid his portion & I had paid half of mine - so refund would have given him a zero balance) the fact that I had a voucher they wanted the money. I think it was petty and my parents/friends were pretty appalled that they asked for it but it was just easier to give them the money and get them out of my life. I know technically the money would have gone to go back in his bank account or whatever but it just seemed odd, his parents have money, they didn’t really need mine. It’s just something I would have never done had I been in that position.

I think about them often though, wonder how they are doing, wonder why they lashed out at me like they did, wonder if they think about me. But I doubt it. Someone said that some people just turn very angry at the person they were closest to, I guess that’s me. But for someone to sit down and actually feel the need to write that and be so hurtful and then press send - I’ll never understand it and I’ll never forgive it. They always said “she’s a good girl, she’s good for you” he always said “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me” so now I don’t understand how that changed. I always had his best interests at heart and I always went out of my way to make it known how much I enjoyed being with them – my personal family life is difficult so they made me feel like I was included.

I know they are hurting and I know loss is loss and it’s different for everyone. But they don’t wake up alone, they don’t miss having that person to share your day with, your dreams with, your fears with. They don’t miss having someone to hold their hand, to kiss goodnight. It’s totally different when it’s the person you choose to spend your time with, to love. It’s not something you just get over. I don’t want another boyfriend, if I had we wouldn’t have been together, been making plans. I don’t know why they don’t understand that, that my loss is equal to theirs, and that time you have with someone becomes irrelevant when you love them. At one point, weeks before all of the other stuff happened, his mom said to me “I had his past but you were supposed to have his future” then she turns around and is just totally vile to me. I’ll never get it.

It’s just crappy. All around. My friends and family are supportive as they can be but I know there are some people I just can’t do this with, people who just want you to “be better, move on”. They don’t get it. I really just can’t believe how much something like this changes your whole life and relationships they were there before that person. It’s a lot to take it in, to adjust to. My mind just does not comprehend it. Plus I have dreams with him all the time, where it's clear he’s gone but he’s trying to talk me through it. I’ve never really known if I believed in spirit etc but some strange things have happened so I like to believe that it’s him. that he still has my back. another thing his mom said to me was that I'd never feel him around, that when her dad died she always expected to feel him/hear him and she never did. But I do feel him around, often. There have been many sensory moments. I don't want to close myself off to that, maybe I'm crazy for thinking that way but it's the one thing I still have to hold on to.

Thank you for listening – so sorry to all of you for your losses.