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The other half of my coin.


AceOfSpades

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AceOfSpades

I had it very rough growing up, and I had this friend. Her and I were inseparable because we were kindred spirits, in that her and I both had it rough, in different ways, but rough all the same, children of the domestic war. Sure, her and I had other friends, but nobody really knew us... they still don't. As the years went on, our paths started to differ. She fell into the wrong crowds, drugs, drinking, all just to cope. Whereas I went the path of silent suffering, fixing others, never fixing myself... creating demons all my own, and some would argue equally destructive. There are two sides to every coin, she's the other side of mine.

But her and I stayed close, despite our differing paths. Still confided everything into eachother, she always used to see right through me and would say "Ace (she was the first to call me by this), do not succumb to your demons, lest you become one." (She was a bit of an English nut.) Those words always stuck with me, but as the years went on, she started falling onto her vices more and more. I started becoming her guardian, getting her out of trouble, fights, struggles... I've always been the guy to try and save everyone, but as the girl I knew faded, I got tired, tired of fighting, tired of the war. Two years ago, she moved to a different province, which was the last time I saw her face, she came to see me the day before she moved. We went to the spot we always hung out at, it was nice...

We kept in touch at first, but then the only times I heard from her was late at night when she was drunk, or on something. Almost two weeks ago, she called me late at night, sounding drunk or on something, thinking it was just like every other time, I blew her off... "Sleep it off" I said. ..."Sleep it off" were the last words I ever said to her, she was trying to reach out, appeal to me, crying for help but she couldn't articulate the words. She had too much at a party, the other people panicked, somebody tried to drive her to the hospital but the driver was drunk. There was a crash and she didn't survive.

Early the next morning, I received a call from her unstable Mother. She's who told me about her death, and she blames me, says I'm directly responsible, she knows I'm the only one my friend called that night. Her Mother knows that I'm the man who has always been there for her, but why not now? ...Sure she's unstable, but that doesn't stop her from being right... Where was I? Why did I turn my back on the only person who ever knew me? Ever knew my past... I'm guilty. Don't try to tell me otherwise, I was the sole person she turned to in her last moments, and I tossed her aside.

I recently traveled down to see her grave, pay my respects... But the pain is still there.... I've lost friends before, but she's different.. I feel like I've lost my past, lost my other side... It won't stop hurting, it's like she's still there. I can barely sleep, and when I do, it's all nightmares, cold sweats... Every night.

I'm on my own now, my past is mine, and mine alone to bear. Her and I have never known peace, I can only hope that she's found hers. God knows she's past due. Respond, don't respond, that's your choice, I just needed to get this out there.

Cheers,

Ace.

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Hugs to you as you walk through this journey called grief. Our daughter passed suddenly last October. So many things I could have done differently plagues me. I wake up every day thinking of that morning and the things I should have done differently in her life. I'm sure I will do this for a long time. This is part of the grief. I try to have better days and sometimes do. But, it is there. My heart goes out to you. You and your friend were kindred spirits, as you said. She will always be around you and you will see her again. Our daughter is always around us. I will rejoice the day I get to see her again.

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Ace,

I am not going to try to convince you of anything. I will tell you that the decision to drink and/or use drugs was hers and hers alone. You didn't make it for her. If you had the choice I am sure the decision would have been different. She made the choice to drink or take drugs. Did she call you to ask if was ok for her to drink? Did she call you to see if was a good idea to take drugs? It is not your responsibility for what she did, it was hers. If it makes you feel better, then blame yourself, but I don't think that is a wise choice. She called you only "after" she was in trouble, again her decision. What she took or drank that night had already been done, and you couldn't change it. It is very painful when we lose someone close to us, and we want to blame everyone and everything in site, including ourselves. You would have been responsible for her death if you were there with her, bought her the drugs or the alcohol, but you weren't. Again it was her choice to make, had nothing to do with you.

Hope this helps

Go Bless,

Al

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