Loss of a child. Almost been a month

[crystalkay]

This roller coaster ride of emotions can sometimes make me feel like I'm going nuts. It seems every 5 min they change. I lost my daughter at age 12.yrs old. She was born with a heart defect. Sometimes I feel like it cant be real.. Other times I go in her room, lay in her bed and cry. I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to know that she is ok. I believe in God and I beg and pray for something... A dream of her.. A feeling of her spirit being close to me. I know shes in heaven but I need to know shes ok. Sounds kinda crazy huh?

Friends and family come around but most of the time I would rather they not. I hate crying in front of most people and everyone wants to talk about what happend or my feelings and of course it makes me cry. Dont get me wrong sometimes I do want to talk about my feeling but with only certin people who I feel comfortable loosing it in front of. There is a constant feeling of being lonely if anyone is around or not. Even things like going to the grocery store feels so unnatural. I started crying because they had a drink my daughter loved that was always sold out. My husband and I decided to go away for 2 days on a little fishing trip, only a few hrs from home. After the first nite I wanted to be home. It felt like I left her at home and had to get back there. My head knows shes not at home waiting for me but my heart doesn't . I'm just so lost... I dont know what to do with myself. I dont know how not to be her mom. Thats what always occupied my mind and heart. Right now I just exist without a purpose. I need to find a way to live with this until time starts healing... Any suggestions?

[dsmurph]

CrystalKay, Let me first say I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our 14 year old Emily last October. I cannot give you any advice. you ore on your own journey of grief. I have some understanding and have tons of compassion because I am on a very similar journey. I have days when I think I am dealing ok and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and is so heavy that I don't think I will escape it. Then it will let up some. This is the new journey. One I have to take without Emily. They are still a part of it though, just not in the physical. We don't get to hole them and conversate with them anymore but, they are around us. Their spirit continues on, just like ours will one day. We feel Emily often. We will see our children again. I am sure of it. Get through each day as you can. Know that today will be different from yesterday. At this point. just work on getting through each day. My heart cries out for you. I don't know why we have to go on this journey but we do. Elisabeth Kubler Ross is a good author. I recommend her books to you. I too needed to know that my daughter was ok and to know where she was. Her book ON Life, Death, and afterlife, helped me so much.

[crystalkay]

Msdurph... Thanks for the info on the book..I'll read it for sure. I have accepted that my daughters gone but as I said I need to know shes ok.

[517958]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear daughter. My 5 year old daughter,Charlotte, drowned in a swimming pool on July 6th, 2011. I don't ever want to go back to the first weeks and months after we lost her. The shock was so terrible. Most days I could barely breathe, eat, or do much of anything. I have also found help in reading books. EKR is a great author as dsmurph mentioned. I also just read a good one called "I'll see you again" by Jackie Hance who lost all three of her children in a terrible car accident caused by her sister-in-law. I only lost one of my 3 children but I felt this book was the closest to what it felt like for me to lose a child. My husband and I attend Compassionate Friends meetings which is a support group for people that have lost children of any age for any reason. If you go to compassionatefriends.org you can see if there are chapters in your area. The meetings are hard and good at the same time. Everyone goes around and tells the story of thier child. It's very hard to hear all the terrile stories of loss but also healing to be able to talk to others who know what this is like. I have gotten real hope from talking to people further down the road. Right now, you're just trying to breathe and get through every second. Then you'll be getting through minutes, then days. It does get easier but you have to put in the hard work of grief before it will. Cry, scream, talk to a counselor, do whatever you need to do to survive.

[TylerDavid]

crystalKay,

I first read your post yesterday and it really touched me as I am almost at the one month mark as well. My son Tyler had Muscular Dystrophy and had been ill so much in his life but the end was still a shock a rare unexpected comlication. I don't know if I can give much advice as I am in your shoes but hoped it would help us both to know we are not alone.

I have been using the word roller coaster to describe it to .I too have lain in his bed and cried and slept so many times because it made me feel closer to him. I also have the overwhelming desire to know that he is ok. I think we spent their whole lives taking care of them and making sure they were ok so we just can't stop trying to do that. I do believe he is in heaven but just crave an acknowledgement that he is happy and remembers how much I loved him. The other thing you mentioned that I experienced was the gocery store. Last week I did this for the first time. I made a list ahead of time and went to a smaller store so as to not feel overwhelmed and even with that felt an overwhelming need to leave the store several times, I rode it out and got everything I needed but it was difficult and emotional. It was just another reminder of how every aspect no matter how small is just different now. I am so lost too. He was disabled so he required much care and could not be left alone as he needed help so my entire life was taking care of him and making sure he had what he needed or that someone trustworthy was with with him while I worked. , I went to my back to my job last week after being off for 3 months with him before he passed and it felt so strange. I made it 4 out of the 5 days so I guess it was successful but I could not focus or accomplish much. This week I am taking Friday off just because I don't think I can handle more than 4 days right now. I'm so exhausted at the end of each day. My hardest times are the evenings/nights I think first becase it is the time of day he passed but also because I have no routine as taking care of him was my routine for 19 years. I was also so sad that his high school graduation was the 26th, he worked so hard for so long and overcame so much to accomlish that and missed it by 4 days. At first I cried on and off all day as well as having moments of complete anguish and thought I could not live through it or even breathe.. It has started to get a little better, I fell a little relieved I guess but still hate that life has went on without him. I usually cry everyday still but less often and the anguish only comes every few days. I am going to counseling and it has helped alot more than I thought it would. It just helps you get through the grief when you get stuck on parts of it. I talk to him every night and that really helps me. I sit on the patio because we sat there together shortly before he passed, His favorite holiday was the 4th of July so I decorated the grave with things for that and it gave me some comfort. I do not know how but I am positive that we will make it through this and they will help us behind the scenes they are are angels now until we meet with them again.

Sara

[BILL16WEST]

Crystalkay just like you I have no will to carry on in this life over my daughter, but I have a wife and two sons to think about and three young grand children. I as a father and don't mind admitting crying every day no matter what I do to try and think of other matters like gardening etc,and yes like yourself the grief is all consuming to the point of feeling that you are going mad.My life in effect has come to an end. Like yourself would appreciate any help or suggestions which may be helpful to both you and I.

[crystalkay]

crystalKay,

I first read your post yesterday and it really touched me as I am almost at the one month mark as well. My son Tyler had Muscular Dystrophy and had been ill so much in his life but the end was still a shock a rare unexpected comlication. I don't know if I can give much advice as I am in your shoes but hoped it would help us both to know we are not alone.

I have been using the word roller coaster to describe it to .I too have lain in his bed and cried and slept so many times because it made me feel closer to him. I also have the overwhelming desire to know that he is ok. I think we spent their whole lives taking care of them and making sure they were ok so we just can't stop trying to do that. I do believe he is in heaven but just crave an acknowledgement that he is happy and remembers how much I loved him. The other thing you mentioned that I experienced was the gocery store. Last week I did this for the first time. I made a list ahead of time and went to a smaller store so as to not feel overwhelmed and even with that felt an overwhelming need to leave the store several times, I rode it out and got everything I needed but it was difficult and emotional. It was just another reminder of how every aspect no matter how small is just different now. I am so lost too. He was disabled so he required much care and could not be left alone as he needed help so my entire life was taking care of him and making sure he had what he needed or that someone trustworthy was with with him while I worked. , I went to my back to my job last week after being off for 3 months with him before he passed and it felt so strange. I made it 4 out of the 5 days so I guess it was successful but I could not focus or accomplish much. This week I am taking Friday off just because I don't think I can handle more than 4 days right now. I'm so exhausted at the end of each day. My hardest times are the evenings/nights I think first becase it is the time of day he passed but also because I have no routine as taking care of him was my routine for 19 years. I was also so sad that his high school graduation was the 26th, he worked so hard for so long and overcame so much to accomlish that and missed it by 4 days. At first I cried on and off all day as well as having moments of complete anguish and thought I could not live through it or even breathe.. It has started to get a little better, I fell a little relieved I guess but still hate that life has went on without him. I usually cry everyday still but less often and the anguish only comes every few days. I am going to counseling and it has helped alot more than I thought it would. It just helps you get through the grief when you get stuck on parts of it. I talk to him every night and that really helps me. I sit on the patio because we sat there together shortly before he passed, His favorite holiday was the 4th of July so I decorated the grave with things for that and it gave me some comfort. I do not know how but I am positive that we will make it through this and they will help us behind the scenes they are are angels now until we meet with them again.

Sara

Wow Sara... We sound like we are dealing with things along the same track. I too have some points in time where i guess I would I'm ok with all considered. Those are the times when I can walk in her room to put something away and whisper I love you and miss you without crying. One thing I can say I am greatful for is that I have no regreats. I told her I loved her several times a day as she did to me. She was a sweet and snuggly and we snuggled a lot. I gave her all of me just as it sounds that you did for your son. I'm very proud of that as you should be. Sometimes it feels like its all just not real and I wonder if thats my mind trying to protect itself. Sara it was really great hearing your story. I think we just have to keep our faith and pray for the day when we can talk about our kids and smile and maybe even laugh at some good memories..

[dsmurph]

Hugs to all of you.

[crystalkay]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear daughter. My 5 year old daughter,Charlotte, drowned in a swimming pool on July 6th, 2011. I don't ever want to go back to the first weeks and months after we lost her. The shock was so terrible. Most days I could barely breathe, eat, or do much of anything. I have also found help in reading books. EKR is a great author as dsmurph mentioned. I also just read a good one called "I'll see you again" by Jackie Hance who lost all three of her children in a terrible car accident caused by her sister-in-law. I only lost one of my 3 children but I felt this book was the closest to what it felt like for me to lose a child. My husband and I attend Compassionate Friends meetings which is a support group for people that have lost children of any age for any reason. If you go to compassionatefriends.org you can see if there are chapters in your area. The meetings are hard and good at the same time. Everyone goes around and tells the story of thier child. It's very hard to hear all the terrile stories of loss but also healing to be able to talk to others who know what this is like. I have gotten real hope from talking to people further down the road. Right now, you're just trying to breathe and get through every second. Then you'll be getting through minutes, then days. It does get easier but you have to put in the hard work of grief before it will. Cry, scream, talk to a counselor, do whatever you need to do to survive.

Thank you for the book references. Reading helps and hearing other stories help as well.. Atleast I know I can survive this and one day with gods help talk about my little girl without any tears..

[crystalkay]

Crystalkay just like you I have no will to carry on in this life over my daughter, but I have a wife and two sons to think about and three young grand children. I as a father and don't mind admitting crying every day no matter what I do to try and think of other matters like gardening etc,and yes like yourself the grief is all consuming to the point of feeling that you are going mad.My life in effect has come to an end. Like yourself would appreciate any help or suggestions which may be helpful to both you and I.

Reading can help a lot and taking with others who have been there helps too..I have found that their are certin people that I feel good talking to. I think some avoid me because they dont know what to say. My husband is very quiet but hes a good listener.. Hes hurting in his way as I am in mine. I'm just praying as time goes on things will make more sense and I'll feel a little more like me. Right now it feels like I'm never going to be happy again....

[NeverAndAlways]

What touched me most what what you said about begging for a dream. I'll bet most will admit the same desperate desire. Dreams did come for me in time (and nightmares) and I cherish the good dreams like nothing else (and threaten to strangle anyone who has a dream about them and doesn't tell me!)

Also the strange triggers and inhibitions...I've read that its normal. I could not buy or eat donuts for so long because it was one of our traditions on saturday morning. I could not buy a dress for my other daughters for a long time, and they just had to live with it a while. They were probably more understanding than me at times.

Are they okay? I think I know the answer intellectually...I have no doubt. But I sure wish they were allowed to come to me and tell me so I could stop feeling sick over the question. I can't help wondering if that anxiety is our grief over the loss of their dependence on us. I grieve their persons...but I grieve the loss of my many roles in their lives too. Like 'protector'. That kills me to type it.

You sound so raw with the newness of greif...am sad for you...and agree with others...the way to learn to live with it right now is 'back to basics'; you have to re-learn to just breathe.

N&A

[crystalkay]

What touched me most what what you said about begging for a dream. I'll bet most will admit the same desperate desire. Dreams did come for me in time (and nightmares) and I cherish the good dreams like nothing else (and threaten to strangle anyone who has a dream about them and doesn't tell me!)

Also the strange triggers and inhibitions...I've read that its normal. I could not buy or eat donuts for so long because it was one of our traditions on saturday morning. I could not buy a dress for my other daughters for a long time, and they just had to live with it a while. They were probably more understanding than me at times.

Are they okay? I think I know the answer intellectually...I have no doubt. But I sure wish they were allowed to come to me and tell me so I could stop feeling sick over the question. I can't help wondering if that anxiety is our grief over the loss of their dependence on us. I grieve their persons...but I grieve the loss of my many roles in their lives too. Like 'protector'. That kills me to type it.

You sound so raw with the newness of greif...am sad for you...and agree with others...the way to learn to live with it right now is 'back to basics'; you have to re-learn to just breathe.

N&A

Learning to Breathe pretty much says it. Did you ever feel like you torture yourself with your thoughts? I do sometimes.. I can be aware that she is not here with me and not cry.. Then I tell myself in a very blunt way where she is and it almost feels like I'm hearing it for the first time. I think a lot about what I would say to her if I could which of course makes me cry also. Ya know I use to think people were nuts going to mediums to talk to loved ones who passed. I thought it was fake. But now I understand the desperation for that knowledge.. I wish there was a rule that when a child is lost to loving parents that god had to say ... Hey dont worry shes here with me and shes not scared shes happy and running around. She said she loves you and cant wait for the day you'll be together again... That would ease me so very much... I seem to be full of what ifs, I wish and maybes...

[NeverAndAlways]

YES...and I think there's a difference between being tortured by involuntary thoughts...and torturing yourself on purpose with your thoughts. I think I tortured myself many times because I wanted to cry...because you get so numb that you cant cry sometimes and your body gets so tired that it wont cry sometimes and you have to force it to feel anything. I don't know if that's good or bad...but I did it...and still do sometimes if I feel too disconnected or if I feel guilty because I haven't 'cried enough' lately (as if there is a concept of 'enough')...I don't think it's necessary...but I don't think it's wrong either. You do whatever you have to do to cope with it dear and don't let anyone tell you it's crazy. But no matter what I say, I always worry someone will think I've lost my mind. And then wonder why I care. <sigh>...there's no winning. It all comes in phases...and phases within phases. After about 6 months I just went numb...for almost a year. Then it just lifted and I felt everything and got all caught up. That's why I say, if you have a moment of peace, DONT fight it, embrace it without guilt...because you have a lot of grieving to do and you don't 'skip' any of it. It just waits for you...no point fighting off the times your emotional system shuts down to recuperate. N&A

[crystalkay]

YES...and I think there's a difference between being tortured by involuntary thoughts...and torturing yourself on purpose with your thoughts. I think I tortured myself many times because I wanted to cry...because you get so numb that you cant cry sometimes and your body gets so tired that it wont cry sometimes and you have to force it to feel anything. I don't know if that's good or bad...but I did it...and still do sometimes if I feel too disconnected or if I feel guilty because I haven't 'cried enough' lately (as if there is a concept of 'enough')...I don't think it's necessary...but I don't think it's wrong either. You do whatever you have to do to cope with it dear and don't let anyone tell you it's crazy. But no matter what I say, I always worry someone will think I've lost my mind. And then wonder why I care. <sigh>...there's no winning. It all comes in phases...and phases within phases. After about 6 months I just went numb...for almost a year. Then it just lifted and I felt everything and got all caught up. That's why I say, if you have a moment of peace, DONT fight it, embrace it without guilt...because you have a lot of grieving to do and you don't 'skip' any of it. It just waits for you...no point fighting off the times your emotional system shuts down to recuperate. N&A

Thanks for your reply.. I have been telling myself that very very slowly things will start to get easier. What I dont understand is for almost the past week its gotten worse. I dont know if its because I have been alone more (i try not to cry in front of people) or maybe things are just hitting me harder. Sometimes as of late it feels like I just found out she was gone. The difference is crying silently in your room and shouting omg no while sobbing. It almost feels like I'm getting a glimpse of what fully dealing with this feels like but , only a glimpse. Its like if I totally realize it all i will loose it.. Maybe my numb was early and like you I'm playing catch up now.. Its really scary sometimes. My Dr. gave me some meds but they dont help much. I'm not depressed I dont think but my nerves are hanging on by a thread. Feeling numb as bad as it was seems better. BTW thanks for listening. You have no idea how much this website and people like you help.

Crystal

[crystalkay]

CrystalKay, Let me first say I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our 14 year old Emily last October. I cannot give you any advice. you ore on your own journey of grief. I have some understanding and have tons of compassion because I am on a very similar journey. I have days when I think I am dealing ok and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and is so heavy that I don't think I will escape it. Then it will let up some. This is the new journey. One I have to take without Emily. They are still a part of it though, just not in the physical. We don't get to hole them and conversate with them anymore but, they are around us. Their spirit continues on, just like ours will one day. We feel Emily often. We will see our children again. I am sure of it. Get through each day as you can. Know that today will be different from yesterday. At this point. just work on getting through each day. My heart cries out for you. I don't know why we have to go on this journey but we do. Elisabeth Kubler Ross is a good author. I recommend her books to you. I too needed to know that my daughter was ok and to know where she was. Her book ON Life, Death, and afterlife, helped me so much.

Im glad you feel Emily around you.. I so wish I had that. I think it would help a lot. I pray for dreams about my daughter but it either does not happen or I cant remember them.... Just have to know that she is ok.. And yes I know she is with god...Just wish he'd say hey... I got her she says to tell you that she loves you and she will be here waiting for you...Wouldnt that be great......

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Im glad you feel Emily around you.. I so wish I had that. I think it would help a lot. I pray for dreams about my daughter but it either does not happen or I cant remember them.... Just have to know that she is ok.. And yes I know she is with god...Just wish he'd say hey... I got her she says to tell you that she loves you and she will be here waiting for you...Wouldnt that be great......

First let me say that I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter....this grief journey is so very difficult. I myself had one dream which I believe my son came to me, and sometimes I believe I can feel his presence....

I have just been trying to get by day to day...that has been all I have been able to do. I don't have any expectations that I place on myself, and I also do not let others do that to me. I have determined I am going to grieve his death my way. This is because this is my second child loss, I lost my infant son to SIDS in 1987. I think I skipped over grieving and let others push me along. But it won't be that way this time.

So I guess that is what I would say to you, the loss of your beloved child is your own personal grief journey and one that you must walk as you need to walk it...

Elizabeth Kubler Ross was good, I read alot of her writings... I have also read a Window to Heaven by Diane Komp. She was a children's cancer doctor. It is an older book but was still meaningful to me...

If you wish, many of us post in the Loss of an Adult Child post....I have found that the child's age doesn't matter...

Grace and Comfort to You....