Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

In need of a little insight or experience


Sole-Mate

Recommended Posts

  • Members

My Wife has been gone for two years now. I went thru the ups and downs. The "friends" and family have disappeared. The kids did not even mail, write or email me yesterday for Fathers Day. Even in the worst moments I always responded to my parents with an acknowledgment on Mothers or Fathers Day. I am not whining, but most recently I have been collecting my thoughts and wondering what is the purpose of just existing. I am unencumbered with no responsibilities except for my old faithful Husky. I did not sell the house nor move or do anything drastic but I am at the point where I just exist for no apparent reason. I would never pop up and say "Wow, let's go and just exist!" I have tried the dating thing using the online method but they have all been scammers. They almost sound real, but there is a common thread with them or as they say "They have a tell!"

So, I was wondering what some of you folks have done in regards to shaking the tree of the living? I am up for anything. Some ideas that have come to mind are: 1) Sell the house and move somewhere that I have always wanted to live. 2) Keep existing and something might pop up. I am not old and I do have good health, so I am not looking to vegitate some where, but something needs to shake loose. 3) I must say that I still work in the yard, take care of the canine and do things around the house that keep me active, but is this homefront an impediment to moving onward?

I am at the point where I tell myself that this is not the way it is supposed to be. Literally fixing a fence or planting a tree or working the garden or killing weeds ot trimming a tree reminds me of establishing a presence for the future, but that companionship piece of the puzzle is missing. I seem to be at the point where we are supposed to plan the next chapter of the book and look to enjoying the fruits of our labor in a sense. But, that expected enjoyment is not here. Now that I write this it seems to outline my issue. mmmm...Any ideas from the forum of experience? Thanks and I am open to hearing anything at this point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Sell the house and move somewhere that I have always wanted to live.

First of all let me say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I am currently caregiver to my wife who has terminal (Stage IV) colon cancer. "It won't be long", if you know what I mean.

Similarly, I find myself at a loss. I have absolutely no interest in my work (electrical engineering) anymore. I find the thought of dragging myself out of bed and going to work every day "repulsive".

At this very moment in time, the only real peace of mind I get is "driving". I feel like driving to the end of the earth and then driving off of it.

There is a certain degree of risk in thoughts of relocation. I have these thoughts all the time. Give up my comfortable house and a good job and move far away.

Does this make any sense? Or does it make us just another victim of whatever circumstance took away our spouses?

I am similarly all alone at 53. My wife and I never had any children (we met too late in life). I have no family that really truly gives a damn about me.

I'm thinking maybe relocation is the correct answer. A fresh start in a new environment.

Or maybe it's just running away.

HK

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks for the thoughts. When you are a couple, you do things together and by yourselves. When one passes, then the one left behind ends up doing all three things by themselves. In time, you reach a steady state, and life has somewhat of a balance with moments of emotion. Then you start addressing the meaning and existence of where you are going. That is where I am at the moment. The first year was a time of raw emotion and remembrance. This last year has been a time of new beginnings and finding myself. "Renewing the Mind" in essense. But, each day has never been lived since each day is a new day without a sounding board or companion, but each day you find a new filler. As I move forward I am now planning the next step and it is the next step that could be the biggest. The idea mentioned above about making a change from which you cannot recover makes a great deal of sense to me which is why I would like to hear from others about what they might have done. My neighgor lost his wife a year after me and he was in the same predicament but after 6 months his child was having a grandbaby and he was asked to be the nanny. He was so excited that his attitude really changed and sold his house and moved. It was real quick, but he found his calling to be happy again in a sense. I am not in that position so I am hoping that something will give me a hint. I am open to most anything at this point. I surely do not want to have "redo" of my past life. It was okay but presently I am not concerned about anything/anyone in my life after many years of being a caregiver.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am at the point where I tell myself that this is not the way it is supposed to be. Literally fixing a fence or planting a tree or working the garden or killing weeds ot trimming a tree reminds me of establishing a presence for the future, but that companionship piece of the puzzle is missing. I seem to be at the point where we are supposed to plan the next chapter of the book and look to enjoying the fruits of our labor in a sense. But, that expected enjoyment is not here. Now that I write this it seems to outline my issue. mmmm...Any ideas from the forum of experience? Thanks and I am open to hearing anything at this point.

Hmmm, interesting thoughts you have expressed. I can't answer your question, as I am still early into the grieving process (2 months). For me, at this time, home, as painful as it is, remains my security in a sense. It's where I've been since 1989, and there are many memories, both good and bad. Interesting that your kids didn't contact you. Any reason why, that you are aware of? That seems odd to me.

I'm in the stage that life seems it will never again be wholly good, but I figure that is because I'm still too much in a state of shock. Personally, I would be inclined (if I were in your present state of mind) to get involved in some type of volunteering, where you can contribute to the good of others, whatever it may be. Being too much of a loner can create a callousness that may not necessarily be negative to the world at large, but may be negative to you, yourself. Just my thoughts- no intention of sounding pushy. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My thoughts are with you during this time. And thanks for the good points. I tried the volunteering thing by default but it does not pay the bills. I would not mind full time volunteering if I could say to myself "well this is it, time to change gears." then I would really have a sense of being committed. Volunteering can lead to other second career jobs as well. And as far as the kids go, they are married and have their owns lives. As in some families there are disagreements and I suppose this is one time where they want to exert their position. So, it is fine, but I do not live for my children. We were together in this house for 15 yrs and the previous for 10 yrs and there are certainly alot of memories and a sense of home about this place. But I do wonder, if I were to move what, if any, will be my thoughts about saying "Darn that was a mistake." One person I know, sold her house after 2 yrs and it was paid off and she regrets it tremendously. She could have paid someone to cut the grass and care for the house for 20 years for what she paid to move. So, I have some examples already.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

But I do wonder, if I were to move what, if any, will be my thoughts about saying "Darn that was a mistake." One person I know, sold her house after 2 yrs and it was paid off and she regrets it tremendously. She could have paid someone to cut the grass and care for the house for 20 years for what she paid to move. So, I have some examples already.

Lol- hard to say if you will have regrets. If it's been two years, and you are feeling unfulfilled, and in need of a big change, then I would say go for it. The rule of thumb is no major changes for at least one year, and you have surpassed that. As for the expense, yeah, that's a risk, but one that you may be willing to take. I plan to stay here, because my place is paid for, except for the yearly property taxes, which are not cheap, but more affordable than a monthly rent or mortgage. Whatever you decide, best wishes to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Yeah, the mtg thing is not an issue, but the big change is the intangible and variable in this case. How much is a big change worth/cost at this point? Whatever prompts the change has to be worth the risk and costs personally and fiscally. Good thing I am not being pressed to make a decision ASAP....One thing is for sure...I was a mess a few years ago and as time as come, the mind is somewhat clearer today than it was yesterday. So, that is a good thing....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Everyone wanted me to move, I was so close to selling the house but have decided not too. Instead going to do some renovations. ForeverYoung have you ever thought of getting a trailor and have a seasonal spot somewhere?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Yeah, the mtg thing is not an issue, but the big change is the intangible and variable in this case. How much is a big change worth/cost at this point? Whatever prompts the change has to be worth the risk and costs personally and fiscally. Good thing I am not being pressed to make a decision ASAP....One thing is for sure...I was a mess a few years ago and as time as come, the mind is somewhat clearer today than it was yesterday. So, that is a good thing....

Yes. That is a good thing. I am a mess. I know I am a mess. I am waiting for the time to come that I am no longer a mess. In the meantime, I will cry. I will want. I will sigh. I will wish. I will go on with my life as well as I can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Everyone wanted me to move, I was so close to selling the house but have decided not too. Instead going to do some renovations. ForeverYoung have you ever thought of getting a trailor and have a seasonal spot somewhere?

I did not think about that...A trailor might be an idea for a getaway and still have a home base of sorts. That is good option. Thx....that give me something new to consider.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I did not think about that...A trailor might be an idea for a getaway and still have a home base of sorts. That is good option. Thx....that give me something new to consider.....

Good discussion.

A trailer? You just might find that you want to move full-time into your trailer. I've had a vacation property (a hunting cabin) since I was in my late 20s. I have to tell you, it's a bit of a schizophrenic existence having two homes. Your vacation property is nice when it all "fun and games", but when it comes down to maintenance and so forth it can be a real pain in the butt, in addition to a significant financial burden. In my neck of the woods (NE Wisconsin) there is very little for employment unless you want to be a lumber truck driver or a bartender. A big old "bleh" on both of those occupations. So actually living in my vaction home (at this point of my life) is pretty much impossible.

Volunteering? Not only does it not pay the bills, but it typically exposes you to the lowest common denominator of society. Do you really, truly want to expose yourself to that? If you are a saint or a martyr perhaps.

Trust me, I by no means claim I have all the answers.

There is "impending doom" in my life, when my beloved wife reaches the end of her journey.

Thinking about whatever future I have left is my only tenuous link with sanity.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
MissingDaniel

Some good points expressed here. I am far too early in this journey to make any decisions like the ones you are considering, but the idea of starting fresh somewhere new has already entered my mind. Since I have two young children at home, I have to consider them in any choices I make, whereas it sounds like you have the freedom to make this choice for yourself alone.

For me, it comes down to finding meaning in life. Existing day after day with no real purpose to get you up out of the bed is no way to live. My purpose for now is my kids, and always will be, but eventually I hope to find something else to get excited about. After the trials I went through with my husband's substance abuse, and losing him that way, I feel somewhat drawn to find a way to help others who have been through similar things. I'm not sure yet in what capacity, but I do feel pulled that way. Of course, I get the point HardKnox made about the type of people you would be exposed to in this sort of venture. Still, it's something I'm considering.

Bottom line: I hope you find something that grabs you and gives you some real joy, whatever it may be. After what you've been throught the last couple of years, you deserve that. I have found that looking too hard for something usually makes it more elusive. Perhaps by just exploring some new interests, something will find you. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best! And HardKnox, I wish you some peace during what must be some very difficult days for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I have found that looking too hard for something usually makes it more elusive.

My thoughts are with you during this time. I agree with the looking too hard part as sometimes it is staring someone right in their face and they do not know it. I think we all need some level of help and assistance of some kind regardless of the station in our lives. The folks that need it the most may well be the ones in need of volunteer help. Some folks can give time; some folks can give money; some can lend a hand; some can listen and read a book to the elderly. There are so many ways that we can volunteer even when we are not full time helpers. I figure I will not be an elderly persons nursing assistent because that is not who I am, but I can certainly donate money to that cause. I am not at the point to full up volunteer my time

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

And HardKnox, I wish you some peace during what must be some very difficult days for you.

Thank you.

I thought the grief couldn't get any worse than the moment we heard the words "you have Stage IV colon cancer with liver metastasis".

Then I thought the grief couldn't get any worse than when we heard the words "your heart has been damaged by the chemotherapy".

Then I thought the grief couldn't get any worse than when we heard the words "you are no longer a candidate for chemotherapy; we suggest hospice".

Then I thought the grief couldn't get any worse than when we heard the words "you have no more than three months to live".

Now I find the grief can't get any worse than watching her struggle, day after day after day, in a battle she will most certainly lose against colorectal cancer.

So I paint on my "happy face" and visit her, day after day after day, playing cards and making small-talk.

A part of me dies with each passing day.

Sorry to have gone OT.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
MissingDaniel

That is just heartbreaking to me. I can't imagine what you are going through. You know, reading that reminds me again of how different each of our experiences is. When I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly (he was 39), I found myself wishing I had been able to have some warning and some time to prepare myself. I didn't get to tell him goodbye, and I thought somehow that would have helped me cope.

But then I hear from someone who has gone through an experience like you are now, and I realize maybe it was a blessing I didn't have that. I didn't have to put on my "happy face" every day and wonder when I was going to lose him. I hope talking about what you are going through helps at least a little bit, although I'm sure there is very little that really comforts you. Blessings to you both....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I hope talking about what you are going through helps at least a little bit, although I'm sure there is very little that really comforts you. Blessings to you both....

I don't know. I think maybe seeing it in print only makes it worse.

Honestly? I think I'm going slowly insane. And I'm not even the one with cancer.

But I have to be strong, to comfort her in her last days.

Seeing her weep so.......bitterly.

It's very nearly more than I can bear.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hardknox my heart is really reaching out to you, been on both sides of the coin, lost my Mom to cancer and my husband to sudden death. I sure wish I could be there for you Hardknox and we could scream together.

Hardknox my heart is really reaching out to you, been on both sides of the coin, lost my Mom to cancer and my husband to sudden death. I sure wish I could be there for you Hardknox and we could scream together.

As far as the trailor, many people in the north have seasonal homes of course I realize the cost might be lower than other parts. One thing I enjoy about camping is generally everyone is in a great mood.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.