On losing Mum

[DAC2209]

Hello all.

I lost my Mum a few weeks ago. It happened suddenly and without warning and the phone call in the night that we all dread, this time had no happy ending. I had spent all that morning with my parents as I often did - we had shared dinner and laughed a lot (mostly at Dad!) and discussed whether they should buy a new settee or a new TV. As I walked home, Mum and Dad waved to me until I was out of sight as usual. Everything was good in the world. Late that night, the phone rang – Mum was ill. Both Mum and Dad had had a couple of scares over the last few years, and as I rushed down to their house, only a few hundred metres away, my mind was racing – what would I find? As I went through the front door, I just knew. Dad was cradling Mum in his arms on the settee where she had been laying; my sister and her husband who had got there seconds before me, just looking at me – I’m a cop – I’d know what to do…. I couldn’t do anything – Mum had gone. I gently closed her eyes, stroked her beautiful hair and kissed her for the last time. I tried to be practical – I called the funeral director, the local police and did what had to be done, everything just a blur. Mum was 78 and I was not ready to lose her, not that you can ever be ready of course. The following days were appallingly difficult – I tried to support my Dad and he tried to help me. We spoke, we cried. Mostly we cried.

I saw Mum’s name posted in the Funeral Director’s window in the nearby town announcing the funeral date and it broke my heart. What had happened really hit home that day. I was allowed a few days compassionate leave from work, which took me into a week of pre-booked leave, during which we had the funeral. I was due to return to work the following Monday and it seemed the right thing to do. I couldn’t. I tried, but every time my colleagues put their arm around me or offered sympathy, I just broke down in tears. I tried three times to return to work, but it didn’t work out. My grief got the better of me each time and I was sent home by my sergeants. I’m a motorway traffic cop and I guess they weren’t too keen on letting me drive a high speed T5 if I couldn’t concentrate. I am also the Motorway Unit’s Family Liaison Officer – I am constantly involved with death and carnage on the network and share in other people’s grief. But this is different – it seems I cannot deal with my own. I ended up having five weeks away from work, returning to do just four hours a day initially, then gradually increasing my duty time until I resume full shifts as of next week. My bosses have been great, but my life has changed forever. I have changed forever. I still cry every day and I miss Mum so much. I still cannot believe she is not just in the next room. The person who loved me more than anyone else in the world has gone and I am so unhappy.

Mum passed away nearly 12 weeks ago now. Things have improved. Just a little. I can usually manage to speak of her without breaking down now, but it doesn’t take much to choke me up again. My wife and two boys are a source of comfort to me. Dad is a constant worry. Fifty per cent of team Mum and Dad has gone and Dad struggles, even with the support of my sister and I.

Odd isn’t it? Cops don’t cry. This one does.

[connorsmom]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.........sounds like our moms passed away around the same time (Feb. 6th?).................take care of yourself and your family..........find a little joy in each day.....that's what I do.

Everyone cries..........our moms are very special.

 

J.

 

[DAC2209]

connorsmom,

Thank you for the response. My Mum passed away on the 4^th February. Just an ordinary day on the calendar once - now a date I will never forget. I persuaded Dad to come to our house for dinner today, but he doesn’t stay long. He has started to sort through some of Mum’s things. When I went down to their house, he had placed nearly all Mum’s glassware from the kitchen onto the table. He says he wants to dispose of it as he will never use it now. When I walked in, it was a bit of a shock. My life in glass! There were the sherry glasses I bought them when I was 15 years old, the tumblers we would always drink from at dinner, and Mum’s trifle dish. Mum always makes a trifle at Christmas – she has done since I was little. We both got upset again, but he says he hasn’t made a trifle in 83 years and he doesn’t intend to start now! That did make us both smile – but only for a moment.

 

It is strange to think that you and I are separated by thousands of miles, yet within a day or two, share the same distress and sorrow. I hope you understand when I say that I do find that thought just a little reassuring - I am actually not alone.  

[connorsmom]

You are not alone..........I know how you are feeling........I find that I have my ups and downs within each day.  Driving through a very pretty town that my mom loved today made me sad; but going to her house is now comforting.  Each day is so unique.  You are lucky to still have your dad; I don't........

Do whatever it takes to find comfort......but know grief is a tough process.  I've been through it and it's draining and tiring.  I write to my mom; talk to her when I take a drive and really feel her with me at times. 

You had your mom with you for 12 more years then I did........feel blessed by that.

Life is interesting; isn't it.

Take care.............J.