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Claireks

Sudden loss of father

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My dad passed away on Monday, May 20th. I got a call from my stepmom at 10 pm, telling me they were taking my dad to the hospital, I had to come right away, his heart stopped. I drove to the hospital and was told my fathers heart had suddenly stopped, that they were manually keeping him alive, and that he showed no signs of brain activity. The doctors needed our permission to stop the manual compressions, so my three sisters and I told them together. And then he died.

I had just had lunch with him earlier that day. We worked together. At a family run attorney's office with one of my sisters. We all had lunch in my office that day, and then before I left we had a long conversation in his office, probably for an hour between 5 and 6 pm. Just about silly stuff, nothing important.

It's so hard. I have to work everyday. And he was always there. I know he would want us to keep building the business and moving forward, but it's a daily struggle. It's exhausting talking to people. I know they feel bad for me and don't know what to say. So I just focus on work.

My sister's wedding is in September and it makes me so sad. He won't be there.

I'm 27 and not yet married but have been with my boyfriend for the last 4 years. He asked my dad for his permission to marry me 3 months ago. We never felt the need to rush it because there was never a doubt my Dad would still be around. We joked about him having to pay for another wedding soon. The day he died.

It's hard to stick to one train of thought at the moment. Sorry for jumping around. It's just that so many things cross my mind at any given moment. I think about his last moments, what he'd say at my wedding, how I'll describe him to my kids, and will I forget things about him? Like, if he's not around everyday, will I forget the little things?

It feels nice to vent. It's also nice to read things from other people. I just like to read that some of the things I'm going through match up to other people. It's comforting in a way.

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Hi,

I´m really sorry for your loss.

It´s really hard losing a parent and it will change you forever... You´ll never look at things in the same way you used to.

There´s a long journey ahead of you, don´t bury yourself in work, try to deal with your feelings or at least feel them. It´s awful, but people will tell you that´s the best thing to do on the long run.

I´m still new at this matter and had never lost anyone close before, so I can´t give you much more advice.

It will hurt a lot and the waves of grief can be really strong and scary, but they come and go and somehow you manage to survive.

Hang in there and we will be here for you

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Sorry for your loss, just beyond my grasp too! How can a precious parent be here one day sharing our slightest worries and making our dreams feel worthwhile, and then leave the next day, just like that, and we can do nothing to reverse that...

All I know is that we can keep our loved ones' legacies of love and achievements alive x

Hope you get through this x

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I lost my father one month before you, April 20th. Also sudden. He had cancer and was fighting it through radiation and chemo - which were both "working." His most recent scans showed his cancer drastically receding. Everyone was so happy and hopeful. Then out of nowhere he dropped dead, apparently the chemo just shut his organs down - I didn't even know this was possible. Of course I know chemo is bad for you and has side effects.. was not aware this was one of them. He was my best friend, and the only sane person in my crazy family. I am your age, if you ever want to talk let me know, I feel like I have no one to talk to really. And this SUCKS!!!

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I lost my father one month before you, April 20th. Also sudden. He had cancer and was fighting it through radiation and chemo - which were both "working." His most recent scans showed his cancer drastically receding. Everyone was so happy and hopeful. Then out of nowhere he dropped dead, apparently the chemo just shut his organs down - I didn't even know this was possible. Of course I know chemo is bad for you and has side effects.. was not aware this was one of them. He was my best friend, and the only sane person in my crazy family. I am your age, if you ever want to talk let me know, I feel like I have no one to talk to really. And this SUCKS!!!

Hi lcondon4

Really sorry for your loss, my dad passed away 2 days before yours and it´s really hard when you have no one to talk to inside the family that at least understands and shares the same feelings you are going through. I really can relate to your sentence – “He was my best friend and the only sane person in my crazy family.”

You probably know as much as I do about this experience, but somehow we´ll make it through. Hang in there and if you ever need to vent, u can pm me

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I had a really crappy day today. I had to leave work early, I just couldn't hold back from crying. I think I had an anxiety attack or something, I couldn't really breath and it took me a while to calm down, like hours....

So now I'm exhausted but still feel like crap.

No one understands. Even my sister, she is my best friend and I can talk to her but she's just not as emotional as me so I kind of feel pathetic. My stepmom is really getting me angry. She's saying crazy things about my Dad, like she says she's mad at him because he left her and he lied to her when he said he'd be there for her.... It really pisses me off. HELLO, he didn't want to die!?!! And she's been saying that stuff for two weeks! I just don't know if it's insensitive for me to tell her I don't like hearing her say those things about him.... I'm worried if I don't try to say something now I may just blow up on her at some point soon.

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I had a really crappy day today. I had to leave work early, I just couldn't hold back from crying. I think I had an anxiety attack or something, I couldn't really breath and it took me a while to calm down, like hours....

So now I'm exhausted but still feel like crap.

No one understands. Even my sister, she is my best friend and I can talk to her but she's just not as emotional as me so I kind of feel pathetic. My stepmom is really getting me angry. She's saying crazy things about my Dad, like she says she's mad at him because he left her and he lied to her when he said he'd be there for her.... It really pisses me off. HELLO, he didn't want to die!?!! And she's been saying that stuff for two weeks! I just don't know if it's insensitive for me to tell her I don't like hearing her say those things about him.... I'm worried if I don't try to say something now I may just blow up on her at some point soon.

Kevin,

There's no right or wrong when dealing with losing one of your parents (either one). Time doesn't heal, but somehow, we find the strength to stay afloat, if you want. Some days will be better than others, but the pain never really goes away and nothing can fill the emptiness we feel after such a dramatic loss.

As far as your stepmother goes, understand she's not mad at your father, she's very scared and may feel alone, even if she's surrounded by family and friends. Some people exhibit a lot of anger, mixed with sadness and fear, all at the same time. It's a roller coaster of emotions thrown back at us, sometimes at the same time. Try to comfort her, I know it's easier said than done.

My father passed away 10 days ago, on Father's Day. The world seems to have completely forgotten about it, nobody bothers to ask how am I coping or anything. My family? Part of it didn't even call me. My mother blames me for his death, saying I caused him to get lung cancer. What can I say? What could I possibly respond to so many idiocies? I've seen it all, nothing surprises me anymore. It's sad, but true.

Best wishes,

Ana

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Kevin I am so sorry for you loss and that you are having a crappy day. I lost my father 25 years ago and I still grieve and miss him. I also lost my husband almost 8 months ago. The thought of hating my father never crossed my mind when he passed but I also hated my husband for leaving me and was mad at him. As time has passed I realized I didn't hate him I hated the roller coaster of emotions the loneliness, and the pain of grieving. I hated myself for even thinking it so please don't be to hard on your stepmother.

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I am sorry for your loss. i have been through it myself. i lost my dad unexpectedly in November 2012. i wish i could say it gets easier but it doesn't seem to. i myself am young and unmarried and just to think when i get married my dad wont be there is hard to deal with. i am only 20 and i had to spend my 20th birthday crying because my daddy wasn't there to wish me a happy birthday and tell me how much he loved me. you father would be so proud of you no matter what you do. i personally try not to think about the day i lost my dad, i tend to think about all the times i did have with him. and for the person who is upset with their step mother for the things shes said or saying, i know how you feel because my mom said the same thing she was mad at him for leaving her but just remember shes going through a lot too, she doesn't really mean it, she loved your dad dearly. shes upset and alone.

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I remember trying to be tough for everyone after my dad died. I pushed myself to go back to work. To fight for normalcy. I broke down and cried my first day back at work. Finally I just had to tell myself that grief is hard enough without putting all this stress of expectation on myself. Maybe I was a little like your sister in that regard. Trying desperately to live in a time that was pain free.

Those first few month are kind of like drowning and being pulled under by a terrible current. You want to fight the pain and fear of this previously unknown terror. But you can't. Sometimes you just have to let it take you. Eventually the current will release you. You're never out of the water, but you learn to float above it most of the time.

You do get pulled back under. I got married this past April and he wasn't there for that. And that wont even scratch the surface for all the little things he'll never be there for. Thinking about it hurts!! But reading about it from others or writing about it, makes me feel a little less alone in my pain. Takes the edge off until the next time.

Crapy is okay. You're allowed to feel crapy and tired and sad and angry. You're suppose to feel whatever you feel when you've lost someone as special as your father was. He was great.

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