The Girlfriend, do we matter?

[brucealmighty]

My boyfriend died two weeks and two days ago. Man, is that still hard to say and write. He was 31-years-old, and driving too fast on the highway, went across the median, crashed into another vehicle, flipped over, and his car burst in flames. He was killed instantly, ejected from his car and broke his neck. The woman in the other vehicle sustained injuries, but is recovering and will be okay.

I have no words. I am 24-years-old and met the love of my life. Just that day we were talking about getting married, just that day.

I realize that I wasn't his wife, and that I only knew the man for six months, but don't you know the sigh of relief when you meet your person? You know? We were so different, but we worked. We both thought okay, this is it. It's you and me. So there he was... my future husband, future father of my children, best friend, my everything... and now I'm supposed to accept that he's gone? Just like that.

Not only has it been exhausting losing the man I love so dearly, but it was even more exhausting being only "the girlfriend." I feel that since I wasn't his wife it's meant I'm not supposed to grieve the way a young widow would. (Even though a psychologist I just started seeing has referred to my loss as that of a young widow.) Why do I feel like after two weeks, as only "the girlfriend," I'm supposed to be over it?

Why do I have to keep reminding myself that he's not coming back?

[LizzyW]

Of course you matter. Love knows no license. If you love someone deeply, that is what matters- not the legal ties. Probably the reason you more often see widows given specific mention, is that a marriage typically goes on for years after the initial intimate relationship. It has had longer to solidify, and for the two to become essentially a part of each other. My 34 year-old son has a great relationship with a 27 year-old woman whom he loves. I can assure you that if she was killed right now, or died unexpectedly, his grief would be the same as a widow experiences- it's just a difference in the time that the relationship has formed.

I'm sorry for your loss- you must be devastated. Please feel free to join in on other discussions. Your pain is the same as ours. You lost your partner.

[catz]

awww hon *hugs*

Ofc you matter....you loved him and he loved you and thats what counts, but nothing can make this any easier for you im afraid. My fiance has been gone for just on 7 weeks and i still have to remind myself that hes not coming back, that hes not just in hospital like he often was, and its awful to have to do that i know.

And man, do i ever know that feeling of just having things starting to fall into place just to have the whole thing shatter in one horrible second. My fiance had always said that hed never get married, which never bothered me in the slightest, and then one day out of the blue he turned around to me and said "hey, wanna get hitched?" from then on, as he was prone to do, he went totally the OTHER way and couldnt wait to get married....we had decided it was going to be in September, but ofc that wont happen now. I still made sure that he had a wedding band tho, i bought one and he was buried wearing it. I guess im lucky that his parents and family have always accepted me in, and i was consulted through everything. Do you get on well with his family?

In any case, PLEASE dont let anyone try to tell you how you should be feeling right now. You have lost someone you love and you are entitled to grieve. That hole in your life will be there forever, tho thankfully i have it on good authority, the pain dulls to a more bearable ache in time. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.

[ElemmireAnini]

For some reason girlfriends aren't given the same kind of respect as a wife does. Because to many people girlfriends come and go easily and if you're not married (even if you were engaged like I was) it doesn't mean as much. You are allowed to grieve just as any other widow. You loved that person. And only you know how much. One day you won't have to remind yourself that he won't be back, but that day is not today. I'll warn you that it will take time, a lot of time. And work. I basically rebuilt my life. I put away the things that I planned with my fiance and built a new future for myself.

I'm sorry for your loss. Know that you are not the only one who feels this way.

[pixi9786]

I lost my boyfriend one year ago on fathers day...it has been a year of reflection/pain/despair, etc. Your statement has been one the major heartbreaks I have dealt with in and around his death. We were not married, but we had been together for almost 4 years. He was my best friend, and in turn I was his. Nothing was done in our little world with out consulting one another. But after he past away, that was gone. And our significance to each other became less then. Since I was not legally bound to him we must not have really been that serious. My family was supportive by calling to see if there was anything that i might need. They sent flowers for the viewing. And the conversations were on how it would have been harder had we been married. As if somehow a piece of paper makes grief harder somehow. The above comment really hits home for me. I could not feel like a grieving widow, and to say so would be an exaggeration.

I am venting...I needed this. To know I was not alone in this.

I miss him like crazy still, but it is easier. I can finally function and not be weepy every few hours. I can now sit back and reflect happily on our love and time together. It still weep, but those deep gouges in my heart are less painful.

[LizzyW]

pixi9786- so sorry to hear of your loss. That is very sad, but I am glad that you are beginning to feel a littlle better. Hugs, and keep hanging in there.