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Sad and tired and lonely and wondering.....


catz

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is this what the rest of my life will be like?

Im catz (thats what everyone calls me) and i lost my partner, fiance and best friend on April the 25th this year, making it almost 7 weeks since he went. Alex and i were, in the words of a friend of mine, an unusual couple.....he was 27, and im 48....he was gregarious, and im an introvert. What we shared was a love of animals and a off the wall sense of humour. NO one could make me laugh like he could and i could make him laugh in spite of himself too. Alex was in a wheelchair due to spina bifida but that never mattered a bit to him, and he certainly never saw himself as "disabled". Instead he faced all the issues that his condition forced on him with courage, intelligence and humour. In the last two years of his life he had been suffering something that hit him worse than anything that he had experienced before. After an operation done to revise a drainage shunt from his brain, he started suffering from debilitating tremors that massively curtailed his life. He went from someone who could manage pretty much anything he needed to do on his own, to someone who needed to be helped to do even the simplest things. I stopped work to take care of him, and we settled into a routine. The night before he passed we were watching a dvd in the bedroom, and after it i went onto the computer for a bit, and Alex went to sleep. When i was done on the computer i went to check on him, he was snoring, and he and the cats had taken over the whole bed so i went and slept in the other room. In the morning i went to give him his pills and he was cold and blue, not breathing.......i called the ambulance, dragged him off the bed and started doing chest compressions but i knew i think, that he was gone. That was confirmed when the ambulance arrived, at which point i went to pieces, and im still in pieces now. i miss him so much. I havent slept in the bedroom since. Not because its where he died really, but because being in there reminds me of how one second it seemed he was alive and happy, and next cold and still and i cant process that, and i just start crying. On top of all of that, the house where we live was bought by his parents for us, and we rented from them. Given the amount on the mortgage, his parents have decided that they will have to sell the house next year. (dont get me wrong...theyve been wonderful to me, and have already told me that they want to try to make sure im alright when they do sell) All in all tho, it just feels like yet another bereavement. I lost Alex and now im going to lose the place that was going to be our safe haven as well. A lot of people said that i was very strong at the funeral as i managed to get up and speak, but what they dont realise was that i HAD to do that. That i HAD to tell people what a wonderful person had gone and how much darker the world was now. I felt i had to do it for Alex, but now i have to do things for me and thats a lot harder. In almost 7 weeks i still havent managed to sleep for more than 3 hours at a stretch, and i still cry every day. I dont have a job, cos my job was to look after Alex and now thats gone, and im not up to looking for one yet....hell i cant even remember the day half the time. Ive been going to counselling, but its a bit early to decide if its been of any help as ive only been twice so far. I just cant imagine waking up every day for the rest of my life feeling this bereft and this sad...

Sorry i know this hasnt made a lot of sense, but it has helped to be able to write it all down

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I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, catz. This is a rough road to travel, and in my experience, it does get better. I lost my husband on Apr 28. It's been very difficult, but it's beginning to ease. My advice is to not fight what you are feeling, but instead, let yourself feel it fully, and cry until the tears stop flowing, then cry again, and again, and again............ Part of the problem in grieving is that many of us think we must be strong. I believe that this approach delays healthy grieving, because a part of us is resisting the pain of loss.

I recently found a good book on grieving after sudden loss: "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye". I have been reading a few pages at a time, and I am finding it helpful.

Since you don't work, you probably would benefit from finding some type of project to work on, which is task-oriented. You can perform the task, and also grieve at the same time.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My husband passed 7 months ago and what a roller coaster ride it has been. Don't worry about it not making since I have found that writing has helped me a lot I still write and send email to my husband just to get everything out and I agree with lizzy start a project something you enjoy doing. I'm sure you have heard this before but time does ease the pain you learn to live with it anyways. Reading this forum has helped knowing that I'm not alone and my feelings are normal.

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My heart goes out to you Catz. My husband passed away in his sleep as well, I try to take comfort that he didn't suffer but it really sucks for us. The book Lizzy recommended is wonderful. The confusion is normal and I will admit a total pain. Get something to help you sleep it should help somewhat with the confusion. I was doing somewhat better then relapsed and started to go to counseling as well. The therapist really hasn't helped me with my emotional problems but she was able to push me (actually she made me angry) to start dealing with things that really needed to be deal with my husband's estate. Time right now probably feels like it is going slow and fast at the same time, really weird isn't it? You do have to find something to keep you busy it really does help. For now focus on today not the future.

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Slow and fast is so right, needy......each day seems to last an eternity, yet its been 7 weeks since he went, and i dont know where that time went. And i still cant get my head around the fact that he wont be back EVER....i mean, i know it in my head, but emotionally i cant seem to accept it. Actually, the fact that Alex passed in his sleep, quickly and quietly, surrounded by those he loved and who loved him was a huge source of comfort for his parents. His mother, who i talk to at least once a week on the phone, confided in me that the one thing that always scared her about Alex dying was that he would do it in hospital, with operations and stress....he hated the hospital. It may comfort them, and im glad that it looks like he went very easily in his sleep but yeah, not a lot of comfort for us at all. I dont think theres anything worse than looking at someone you love more than life and knowing deep down that theyve gone beyond you and you cant follow, and they cant come back. ive been working on some handcrafts the last few days to keep my hands busy. Four of my friends went above and beyond to support me before, and during, the funeral even tho they were devastated themselves, so to thank them, i took the left over beads i had from making a little zulu style beaded bag for Alexs uncle to take a little of his hair back to South Africa with him, and am in the process of making bracelets for them to thank them and as keepsakes. (Alexs dad is from South Africa and Alex loved the bush, and african wildlife. Theyd been there several times, but due to a pressure sore, Alex couldnt go with them the last time they went so we had planned to go together after we were married. He was so looking forward to showing me everything.....and now that wont happen, and its heartbreaking)

I have to say, it helps being able to say this stuff here, where people understand.

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Catz dont worry.. We all here together. Sailing in same boat..my husband passed away on 13 april( 2 months today) suddenly with a heart attack. He was just 32 years. People also say that atleast he passed away smoothly without any pain. Only lucky people like them get a chance to go to other world smoothly. I hope to meet him again soon... Just pushing days until we meet again.

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That is great catz you are doing crafts. I have to say I am not a very crafty person and don't have any hobbies except reading. Currently I am reading Reality Slap. The booked asked some questions for example "who is always there for you"? I of course thought of friends but the answer according to this book was "yourself". Sure got that one wrong <_<. To make a long story short, I have been thinking about hobbies. Once I get through my "procrastionation list" I was thinking about taking some knitting classes. I think one of my callings in life is to make crazy coloured socks. :rolleyes:

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I think the beauty of handcrafts is that mostly, theres just enough repitition to allow for impaired concentration,but with enough attention required to stop thinking too much. Alexs mother told me she had started knittng again, and she finds it helpful. I used to love reading, but i find i just cant concentrate. Same wirh the tv and movies...i have so many recorded shows that supposedly have been watched, which i have NO recollection of at all. Needy, if you think a hobby would be of help, id def suggest going for it. I dont know how things are done over there, but here, you can usually find evening classes in many crafts for a small fee, thru community education, and id imagine there would be something similar?

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Yep, I think knitting might be my calling. There are other classes I would like to try like cooking lessons and woodworking but I will start with knitting. I am pretty sure knitting courses were canned at our local college, got to love cutbacks but pretty sure some sewing shops have lessons. Catz at first I couldn't read anything as well and that problem you have watching TV I have had that problem for awhile. :mellow:

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To make a long story short, I have been thinking about hobbies. Once I get through my "procrastionation list" I was thinking about taking some knitting classes. I think one of my callings in life is to make crazy coloured socks. :rolleyes:

Lol on the crazy colored socks. :) ( I would buy a pair from you, if you make them :))

I have been doing a bedroom remodel, and I finally got my pastel chalks and paper out, set up an easel in the living room, and did a painting late last week. It's the first one that I have done since Michael's death. It was good for me.

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