this is excruciating pain

[sadbeyondwords]

I am desperate. I feel so alone. I am so restless at work- I still cant get anything done and deadlines are around the corner. I cant do anything at all except think about my mom and her awful ending and the things that could have been done to save her. It will be 3 mos may 5. Didnt think things could really get worse-but indeed, the hole of depression is getting deeper and deeper and darker. I am unable to cope with the slightest of things. My brother said that maybe some of my anxiety and yelling at the hospital when my mom was admitted caused them to make mistakes on my mom and to avoid taking care of her.  Maybe-more guilt. I have terrible guilt. I should have been able to stop the mistakes. I know I was not thinking rationally. I realize that only now. In hindsight, there was so much I could have done to save my mom. I let her down terribly. I cant redo all the horror that occured. I have sickeneed and beyond depressed-it is easy to think about suicide. I can see why people do this-when the pain is so severe and you cant escape it-it just seems like a decent choice. The pain is too severe. I not only have to deal with the loss of my favorite person in the entire world but the guilt that I could have done so much more to prevent all the problems that occured in the hospital. It is hard enough just knowing that I will never see her again-but the pain of knowing that she could still be alive if I was not so irrational, so nervous in the hospital and made better decisions and caught the mistakes earlier. I am so angry at myself. My life is completely falling apart. I know my boss will be talking to me about my lack of progress-I'm sure I will be getting my walking papers. I dont even care. My mom is dead-what is the point of going on-working, living, anything. Oh this is so horrible. Why is this happening. Why did she have to die. she was so healthy. This is killing me. I cant pull myself together. i have spoken with a counselor but she was not helpful-so I am not goint to do that anymore. The pain is so severe-it is crushing. My mom is supposed to be alive-she was supposed to be with me for many more years.

[4everjoeysmom]

I'm not sure what kind of counselor you saw, but you truly need to see a clinical professional that can assess your anxiety level and prescribe something for you.  I am usually not an advocate of medication, but over and over again I have read your desperation in your words and many have pleaded with you to seek a doctor's advice for medication. I am inclined to agree.  It really could take the edge off.  You are really struggling with basic coping, and I am so concerned for you.  But no one can help you if you don't want to at least take a step in helping yourself....  I know that sounds harsh, but the only way you are going to survive this is to get some help with this first step.  You cannot change what is past.  But you CAN HONOR YOUR MOM best by walking toward a future and bringing her beautiful life forward through your own life, through your words.  Right now you have only been able to share the horrible details surrounding your mom's death.  She would not want you to stay in that horrible nightmare for the rest of your life.  She would not want you to die there too.  She would want you to take a breath, do what is necessary to take your first step in getting help for your anxiety and overwraught condition, get rest, exercise and nutrition, and share the essense of your mom through memories of who she was, is and always will be.  The world can know the beauty of your mom through you for the rest of your life.  Don't let her memory die too...  Don't give up and let yourself die too.  Live for her!!!!  LIVE FOR HER!!!!!!!!!!!

[guitrain]

damn well put. 

[ps90247]

Hi:

I was very saddened to read this post, along with one or two others that you posted recently.  I lost my mom on 12/26/07, and at the time, I thought I didn't want to live anymore.  I lost the one person who meant the most to me.  Her passing came as a shock to me because I brought her to the hospital on 11/23/07 for (what my mom ad I thought was) routine pneumonia.  Turns out she had severe emphysema.  Once she was intubated on 12/15/07, I pretty much knew it was only a matter of time before my mom would be gone.  I cried so badly that day in the hospital chapel.  I asked why is this happening to me?  Why does my mom have to suffer so much?  How could her doctors over the years could not have seen the emphysema developing/worsening?  Why weren't the hospital docs unable to come up with a definitive prognosis on her condition?  What is really disturbing in my mom's case is not necessarily what happened in the hospital, but instead, how her primary care docs could not have seen this coming over the years.  If they had flagged the emphysema developing/worsening, my mom and I would have most definitely come up with an aggressive game plan to extend her life and to make her quality of life better.  By the time my mom was hospitalized, it was already beyond the point of no return (even though it took the doctors almost 3 weeks to come up with a definitive diagnosis of severe emphysema).

SBW, in your case:  seems like medical staff who supposedly took care of your mom  didn't seem to know what they were doing (and maybe didn't care, either, or both).  From your descriptions of the hospital incidents, seems like they were not all that compassionate, either.  But you definitely should not blame yourself for what happened.  Your life is collapsing in ruins right now....you probably don't care but you need to think about how your mom would feel seeing you like this, with suicidal thoughts.  Your mom would be heartbroken to see you this way, correct?  If you continue this rapidly downward spiral, you will be sending message to your beloved mom that she failed in raising you...you don't want to send that message to her.  You definitely need to seek professional help immediately...just because the first therapist didn't help doesn't necessarily mean all therapists are useless.  You need to find the right one- and fast.  You don't want your life to end this way, and neither would your mom.  I went through a lot of the emotions you went through after I lost my mom....but I got professional help and that, combined with great support from my wife, stepson, best friend, and the people here at work, I think I will survive this.  Of course, my life will never, ever be the same again...sure, I have cried every single day (even to this day), thinking of my mom and how much I miss her.  But I know in my heart of hearts she would want me to move on with my life and not cry over her passing 24/7.  She will always be with me and in my heart.  I take comfort knowing that even though each day that passes takes me further away from the last day my mother was alive, every passing day also takes me one day closer to being reunited with her. 

SBW, please, please do not do anything irrational....I am here for you if you need to talk, and I'm sure many of the other members will be also.

Please try to stay strong.

Paul

 

[DawnFisher]

Dear SadBeyondWords,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  Your BI friends here are offering excellent advice - they care so much for you and for every person who, by fate, becomes a member of this group.  Please follow their advice and seek professional help.  This is too much for you to handle on your own.

You mustn't allow yourself to play the "What If?" game in your grief.  You cannot win this game.   Thirty years ago, I had just returned home from celebrating my 18th birthday and my dad, who had been battling a serious illness, went into cardiac arrest.  I spent the next 45 minutes doing CPR on him while the ambulance was lost in a snowstorm on the way to our house. I was very hard on myself, playing the "What If?" game and blaming myself for his death - I should have been able to do more...I should have saved him.  We found out afterwards that the doctor had changed his medications the day before, something that should have never been done without being hospitalized and monitored.  The anger, the disbelief, and the deep pain - it goes with the loss - because we love so much - we also hurt.  So when you find yourself playing the "What If?" game - don't allow it - get busy with another activity or thought.

My mother did something very surprising 6 wks. after my father's death - she bought a puppy for my brother and me.  I was shocked - Dad would never have allowed a dog in the house!  It was something she did on a whim - and it was wonderful therapy for us.  I can remember holding that puppy and telling it all my fears and sad feelings and crying into her fur.  It also made us focus on something other than our own dilemma - as we had someone to take care of and occupy our time. She also made us laugh. Playing the piano was another emotional outlet for me that would help me work out my feelings.  Find somthing to occupy your mind that gives you enjoyment and relaxation and allows you a break from stress.  We worked very hard to find "the new normal" in our lives - as life as we knew it had changed forever. 

Would my dad have wanted me to live in grief for the rest of my life?  No - he loved life and he loved me.  He did not plan to die at age 46.  Do you ever get over the loss?  No, but the pain does ease over time - and you will be able to smile and remember the wonderful times and laugh again.  On the exact 7th anniversary of my father's death, I gave birth to my firstborn son...who was blessed with my father's smile and sense of humor.  It's funny sometimes - he never met his grandpa - but the traits and characteristics are so alike....God blessed me.

I have been through many losses, including the death of an infant son 20 yrs. ago. I now deal with death on a daily basis moderating this website and working with my husband in our family-owned funeral home.    I found that I could become "bitter" or "better"  - the difference between those two attitudes is summed up in the letter "I"  - it begins with me. "I" had to make a choice to become a better person for having had a wonderful father - instead of allowing myself to become bitter because he's gone too soon.  

After my son's death, I found a poem entitled "The Gift" by Joe Lawley, co-founder of Compassionate Friends.  As you read this, you can substitute the word "child" and use "mother."

The Gift

I have a gift,  I did not want this gift; it meant suffering and pain.  The pain came because of love, A love which had maifested itself in a child. The child brought its love to me and and asked for my love.  Sometimes I did not understand this. Sometimes I did not appreciate it.  Sometimes I was too busy to listen quietly to this love.  But the love persisted; it was always there.  One day the child died.  The love remained.  This time the love came in other forms.  This time there were memories; there was sadness and anguish. And unbelieveable pain. One day a stranger said, "I understand," and did.  You see, the stranger had also been this way.  We talked a cried together.  The stranger became my friend as no other had.  My friend said, "I am always here," and was.  One day I lifted my head.  I noticed another grieving, gray and drawn with pain.  I approached and spoke.  I touched and comforted.  I said "I will walk with you," and did.  I also had the gift.

 

SBW, my prayer for you is that you will seek help and work through your grief and that through all of this - you will see the Gift and be able to help others someday.  David, the great psalmist, said "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death"  with the key words being "walk through" not "remain forever in the shadow of death." 

You will walk through this - you have a lot of friends here by your side!  Just take one step at a time!

Compassionately,

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

 

 

[DawnFisher]

Dear SadBeyondWords,

Please let us know you're out there reading these posts.  Several have emailed to express concern about you.  I was trying to find words that would help you and encourage you - and that you'd see hope, knowing that others have walked down this same path and that we're all here to walk beside you in your grief.  After a week and a day since I replied to your last post,  the silence is deafening.  Please, just post and say "hello." 

Thanks,

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

 

[DawnFisher]

To all who wrote with concern for "Sad Beyond Words" -

She let me know that she has read the posts and is too depressed right now to talk about it.  She did post a reply in another thread. 

Please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers as you post on this forum.  And the many others out there who have suffered heartbreaking losses but are too shy to post just yet. 

Dear God, please comfort them and help them find hope...and God, please help us use our experiences from our own grief to reach out to them.  We are all trying so hard to be of help - we don't want anyone to feel alone in this journey.  Amen!

~Dawn

Beyond Indigo

[kmark1955]

Dear Sad

I lost my father in Dec of 2006.  I am an only child and my mother is still alive. In May I took him on a fishing trip and while we were there he had a stroke, for the next 8 months I spent many hours with him in hospitals, nursing homes and care centers.  I was the last person to see him before he died and I spent the next months wondering what I had missed in his illness.  Was I to blame for his stroke?  I spent many months in depression and I still have many feelings that I can not explain.  In March of 2007 I found out that I had cancer.  It was found by accident and my life was saved.  I wonder if that is why God took my father?  To help him save my life.  I only know that I still have feelings of saddness but I have learned that when I get them it is just my Dad saying Hello.  I hope that you can find something to hold on to until this passes.  I am always available to chat if you need someone. 

Kmark1955

[robinann202]

Dear Sad,

I know how hard it is, I lost my mom 9 years ago, the 5th of may.  It is and was one of the most devastating thins that happened to me.  I was the same, couldnt function for some time, didnt want to live,eat, have fun-nothing.  It does get "better"-depending how you look at it.  It never ends, the pain never goes away, you just deal with it cause you have no other option.  It is heartbreaking-my heart went with her also.  I really had to soul-search and meet with a medium--and honestly after 3 years I was able to live again.  I know exactly what you are going through.  I am so sorry.  I dont think your mom would want you to live the way you are living though.  After reading your message, seems she would want you to go on.  I know that is impossible right now, but hang in there.  I lost my mom-Dad, 34grandparents, aunts,uncle and a friend in 8 years, it is the worst pain I know.  If you ever need to talk--I can be there just to listen, chat--whatever you need...My mom also was healthy, 2 weeks gone.  My Dad was instant also...

[sheela]

 The pain is so severe-it is crushing. My mom is supposed to be alive-she was supposed to be with me for many more years.

me too

[rebelnjewel]

HI Robinann and all.  I just lost my Dad on May 5 of this year as well.  I did find out later that my Grandpa had also died on the exact same day. 

To start I lost my Step-Mom in October and I was there to help my Dad once she came home from the hospital to die from Breast Cancer.  I watched her take her last breath and it was just my Dad, my daughter and I that were there.  She has two kids of her own and the daughter was trying to do what she could to be of help, but it hurt my Dad's feeling after she died that the kids that live there just deserted him.  The son only made two trips to their home town for a minimim of two hours each time.  Not once did they help change dressings and hurt her when we helped her go to the bathroom. (a potty was by the bed as she could not make it to the restroom)  The daughter in law also asked my Dad if he had thought about overdosing her on the morphine and he told her in no certain way.  So she died while we were there and I took a downspin.

Then I was sexually assaulted at work which I am still dealing with.  I don't know what is going to become of that.  I still haven't returned since my Dad died as I feel like I couldn't make a full day if I wanted to.  My counselor said she was surprised that I went back when I did.

Then on May 5th my Dad dies unexpectedly.  He had met a very nice woman a few months after my step mom died.  He tried to hide her as he knew the reprecussions that people in a small town could inflict.  Well all hell broke lose after he died.  Everyone has been fighting and I can't take anymore of it.  My Dad had given me my stepmom's wedding rings as he wanted them buried with him.  I told my husband that I had put them in his shirt and he was very upset with me.  Maybe it was the guilt from not telling the kids where they were and I didn't want the new girlfriend blamed anymore so I emailed them all and told them where I had put them, but it was his wishes as he had felt so completely abandoned. 

Now that I have been on a downward spiral I don't know what I am doing most of the time, my husband is fed up with me and is wanting a separtation.  I am starting to wonder if God really is fair.  My Dad always told me that God will not put anymore than you can handle.  Well I think I have had my share in a year.  I miss him so much and I just want to pick up the phone and call him everyday.  We talked almost every single day. 

Three years ago I lost my little brother at 18 and now that has caused a rift between my Mom and I and we haven't talked for two years until she came to my Dad's graveside service.  Then all she could do is be mean.  She made the comment when I called her to tell her that he had passed she said "Well now we just need more to die" (Meaning her second ex husband)  This is not what I wanted to hear from her.

Well I have got alot off my chest I just am feeling like SadBeyondWords, except not suicidal.  I already tried that route and they stuck me in the Psych ward for four days after my Dad died.  I will never make that mistake again... No way no how!!!!

So Sad I hope you read this and it hurts like hell and I don't know when it will get better, but it has to someday.  I am on antidepressants that have helped alot since my stepmom died, so if you aren't I would suggest going to see your doctor right away.  I have tried the drinking and that doesn't work worth a hoot either.  It just prolongs the pain.  I don't know what else to say accept I am glad I have found this board and I have been reading all kinds of responses, but I like the best that says..........

We can either get better or stay bitter.

I am getting tired of all the bitter and I really need to get better.  Whether I have my husband behind me or not.  I love him to pieces but I love all of my family as well and I don't want to be a statistic either.  I want to see my Grandson and the new one on the way raised.  I then will fill their little heads with all the love that Granma and Poppa had for them and all of us.    You are in my prayers.