Denial

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I didn't realize how hard denial has been gnawing at me. I just feel like she's mad at me and just took off for a few day's. I keep waiting for her to call me or show up.

[LizzyW]

That seems to be fairly common in some cases. In my case, I could not deny it. I'm the one who called the ambulance. I'm the one who talked to the doctors. I'm the one who was told what my husband's lab values were, and I knew what they meant. I'm the one who told the doctors to please stop doing CPR on my lovely husband, because I knew he would have been miserable living in the condition that his cardiac event would have left him in.

If you weren't there, and didn't see it happen, I'm not surprised that you are having problems with denial. We don't want to believe that something like this could happen, and leave our lives in shreds. Hang in there hon. This will take some time, and things will settle down after a few weeks.

[needy]

I was so numb and confused I thought it all had to be one bad dream and I wanted to wake up and it would be all over. Driving home and seeing his car parked in the driveway thinking he was home all the other triggers that caused numbness and confusion. The first few weeks it is hard then you have to start to push your self to stay busy, it does help.

[MissingDaniel]

I've had the same problem. Because my husband was gone out of town when it happened, and I was not there, it's easy to tell myself now that he's still gone on his trip, and he'll eventually be back. We had been separated a few times for some length of time during out marriage, so it's not completely unfamiliar to me. I've done it before. But I always knew he'd be back. I just try to drown out the voice in my brain that keeps telling me this time he's not. Even almost 2 months out, I realize that I am doing this. So I understand.

[widower2]

Hell it's been over a year and there's still a part of me not totally convinced it's real. It's too extreme, too ridiculous. Human nature to a point, I think; sort of a defense mechanism. I don't think this is necessarily a "problem," esp if you recognize it and keep it within reason.

[patsyl]

I agree with widower2 when my husband passed 7 months ago. He was out of town I drove 3 hours to get to him but he was gone before I could get there. I went back and saw him so I know he is gone but there is still a part of me not convinced that he will never come walking through the door.

[catz]

I agree with Widower. Denial is the way the human animal deals with trauma. When someone has an amputation they always tell them that when they start to see themselves as they are, ie: with the amputation, in their dreams, this is when theyve accepted whats happened. This can sometimes take a long time. Im going on 8 weeks since Alex died, and my subconcious STILL catches me out with,"ill have to show/tell Alex about this...." I just have to keep reminding myself that hes gone, and hes nor in hospital this time, and he wont be back. Its a knife in my heart every time, but id rather have the truth....and as long as i can tell the difference between the truth and the comforting fantasy im ok.

[Silvergirl61]

It's been nearly ten months for me now, and my silly brain keeps having those moments of wanting to tell him something, or seeing something that I know he'll love...I keep asking myself when i will accept that he's gone. Maybe I never will, I just can't. I have to tell myself that someday, someplace..I'll see him again. It's all my heart will accept, these days.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I wake up on the couch on the weekends and make breakfast and wake up the boys and leave the bedroom door closed because i srill want to go wake her up and give her breakfast n bed. I know she's gone but i still see her driving down the road on the way home from work I still wait for her text in the morning at work. everyone else seems to be over it. I am getting along ok but there are many days that are lonely even surrounded by the life that is moving forward.

[backyarder1]

I don't know if I would call it denial, but I was just thinking that I don't feel like I have been fully aware or fully conscious since this has happened. It's like I have just been in a daze the whole time. Some people think I am still in shock and it kind of feels that way.

[tnwulf0513]

That seems to be fairly common in some cases. In my case, I could not deny it. I'm the one who called the ambulance. I'm the one who talked to the doctors. I'm the one who was told what my husband's lab values were, and I knew what they meant. I'm the one who told the doctors to please stop doing CPR on my lovely husband, because I knew he would have been miserable living in the condition that his cardiac event would have left him in.

If you weren't there, and didn't see it happen, I'm not surprised that you are having problems with denial. We don't want to believe that something like this could happen, and leave our lives in shreds. Hang in there hon. This will take some time, and things will settle down after a few weeks.

It depends on the person involved. I WAS there, I signed the DNR after the 4th cardiac arrest after the doctor explained to me that over a period of 6 hours almost 2 of them she was getting CPR and chances for survival were almost non existent. In fact I truly believe she was gone after the 2nd arrest, the doctors were just keeping her body functioning. Yet I am having trouble accepting she is gone. That I will never hear her voice again, never hold her hand again, never feel her arms around me again. For me this is a HUGE hurdle that I know I have to get over and will eventually, but not yet.

[traveler1959]

LOST----- I went Christmas shopping for the first time this year last Monday, It really hit me for the first time, ever since I lost my wife a month ago, I felt lonely, but last Monday was the first time in 30 years I felt REALLY ALONE. I hope it will better soon.

[Alone]

Traveler 1959 - I am so sorry for your loss. Like others here, I too witnessed my husband's passing and still have difficulty accepting that he is gone. It's like a fog that you wander through without guides to keep you safe and grounded.

[~ocean~]

This Friday will mark 9 weeks since my partner went fishing and never returned. I find it almost impossible to believe that he just vanished.

[Kurtybearhugs]

Very interesting to hear what others have to say on the subject of denial. It has been four years for me, so I am most definitely 'over the hump'. The way I like to explain my own experience with denial is like this...... The same day that my beloved wife died, I would have told anyone who asked, that she was dead, and that I touched her cold body before I left the hospital where she died. In the rational, thinking part of my little brain, I knew perfectly well that she was dead. Period. Although sometimes I would forget for a moment here and there, I simply knew that she was dead. In another part of my little monkey brain however, lives what are commonly called emotions. The emotional part of my brain didn't even begin to feel the loss for about one month. This denial that delayed my emotional response was completely automatic, and I had no control over it whatsoever. It hit me like a speeding train, and at two months, I went to a grief support group that was sponsored by a local Hospice organization, and that's when the healing began. I noticed that most of the posts are from people who have very recently experienced their loss. I read somewhere that the average recovery from profound grief takes around three to five years. That was accurate for me, at least. My life is indeed worth living again, and I am a much better person for having made it through, and also conquered many other demons at the same time. For the first time in my life, I actually like myself, and many other people have noticed profound positive changes in me. Sometimes when I think back to who I used to be, it's hard to believe I was actually that person. Yours With Loving Kindness, Kurt

[backyarder1]

Kurtybearhugs, thanks so much for your message. It is so nice to read a message from someone who shows us all that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Big, big bear hugs to you!

[Kurtybearhugs]

You are most welcome!!! Thank you so much for the big big bear hugs!! Those are the best!! I have recently been called a 'big Teddy Bear', and for me, it was the best compliment I have ever gotten.......

That is the most important message I try to get across to my grief buddies. - That they (you) are not going to feel like this forever. I too felt for a long time, that I would never feel happiness again, and that is a most horrible place to be. When I look back, I think that the loss of hope was the worst, most damaging, and devastating part of the grief process. I have to think that most people who contemplate or commit suicide, (for any reason) do so because they have lost hope. If someone is mentally or terminally ill, and there is actually no hope for recovery, someone may choose not to live the rest of their life in misery. No offense to anyone's religion, but on some level, as tragic as that is, it makes sense to me. But for us, there is definitely going to be a recovery. I am not going to lie to you, it was painful, depressing, and just plain horrible beyond words, and I almost didn't make it myself (which is why I think this message is so important), but I worked hard, and I found the help and support (groups) that I so desperately needed. I was lucky enough to find a group of really good people to hang out with, and a grief counselor who is AWESOME (and still a good friend of mine) and that made a big difference for me. I love you all, and I hope that you find some words here that help. Thanks for being so kind and welcoming to me. Whatever else you 'guys' would like to talk about, I'm in!! Just shoot another note out there!! I Love Chatting!! I guarantee to make you feel better, or quadruple your money back!!! Big big bear hugs too all!!!

[Kurtybearhugs]

Dear Ocean, I've been listening to people tell their grief stories for four years, but yours really made me stop and think. I tried my best to imagine what that would be like. I don't think I even got close. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. What a surreal and terrible thing to endure. I will take the circumstances of my wife's death any day, over what you are going through. Those kind of very sudden losses can have consequences for those left behind that are beyond what someone who had a more conventional, and 'expected' loss, in which there was some time to process the inevitable. This type of grief may be more intense, and even last longer than what I experienced. Specialized counseling is an option worth considering, and of course, a support group if you can find one you like.

Above all, I urge you to be kind and gentle, and patient with yourself. You are going to need big doses of TLC for quite a while, and if you didn't know this already, you have every right to grieve in any way you damn well please. The rest of the world may have to get along without you for a while, so that you can rest and take proper care of yourself. Grieving takes a lot of energy, and most of us usually don't have anything left over to take care of other people. It's going to have to be about you for a while. I wish you peace.... Kurt

[tnwulf0513]

LOST----- I went Christmas shopping for the first time this year last Monday, It really hit me for the first time, ever since I lost my wife a month ago, I felt lonely, but last Monday was the first time in 30 years I felt REALLY ALONE. I hope it will better soon.

I hope for you that it will, the loneliness is the hardest thing for me, it is absolutely soul crushing at times even now. I hope you have some family and/or understanding friends who can help with that. I was never one to make friends easily and that is coming back to haunt me now. My family is hundreds of miles away. I can call and/or chat with them pretty much any time of the day or night. But its not the same as having someone nearby who can come over and give you a hug if you need it. Shari was very "touchy" in that she loved to hold hands at every opportunity, insisted on being kissed several times any given day, couldn't fall asleep unless her arm was around me or mine around her. Now that she is gone the lack of physical contact seems to amplify the loneliness.

[Kurtybearhugs]

For me it was sort of almost bearable during the daytime, but at night it was the absolute worst. No sharing, no snuggling, no one to chastise for hogging the remote and making me watch home improvement and animal rescue shows all night. lol In twenty years, my wife never swore or raised her voice to me, but I would give anything to hear her call me a "toad" just one more time. Hang in there, it does get easier, but it took many months for me to feel much like myself again, and along the way there were many devastating relapses. Kurt

[Alone]

For me the worst is when I wake in the morning. During my husband's illness my first thought when I woke was that it's all just a bad dream. Then realization would hit and my emotional and physical being would crumble. While my Tom was still here I had a reason to pull everything together and go on, but there's nothing now. Each night I now pray that I will just simply never wake again and each day when I wake the disappointment that I am still here makes me crumble again.

[~ocean~]

Dear Kurt, Thank you--Your kindness really touched me. I think anything would have been easier to deal with than having him just disappear. Knowing what I know now, I'd opt for a long illness, etc. or even if they'd found him over the not knowing. At least, then there would be some closure. Not being able to 'say goodbye' in any form is very hard to accept. It will take me a long time to process this. I'm living my worst nightmare. Unfortunately, there are no grief counselors in this tiny island nation. Looked for an online grief counselor, but didn't find anyone that I felt 'fit the bill'--Maybe I should check into that again, as there must be someone. Thankfully, I found this forum. I feel so terribly sorry, for him, that he lost his life and what he could have gone through is haunting--It's so incredibly tragic and as you say, surreal. Will try to be kind to myself but it's hard to imagine actually enjoying life again. Thank you, again and I hope you have found some peace in your own journey. ocean

[Alone]

Dear Ocean - your post reminded me that I had 14 months longer than any doctor gave us because my husband was a fighter and never lost hope. We were together at the end even though we never expected that day to be his last. The fact that we were together brings me great solace so I can't imagine the pain you are going through.

Investigate GriefShare on the internet. It is a Christian based grief support group. They have a daily emails that you can receive that discuss grief issues. There are many references to scripture in the emails that I don't understand but there is always a nugget of something that helps.

[~ocean~]

Dear Alone, Very sorry for your loss--It must have very difficult for you to go through your husband's illness. I'm sure it was very comforting for him to have you there with him. Words can't express how painfully difficult these last 9 weeks have been. Like you, I find the mornings to be the hardest. Upon waking I think of him and it just seems impossible that he's gone forever. I hold our memories dear in my heart. One lovely Sunday afternoon, on the beach, I took a photo of him--Every time I look at it, it seems all the more impossible. Thanks for suggesting GriefShare, I'll look into it.

Have a peaceful night. ocean

[Kurtybearhugs]

On the subject of denial.... I have come to realize that there are several types and levels of denial, but the one that we experience most often in grief is simply lag time between what the rational mind "knows", and what the emotional area of our brain feels. It has been my experience that following any life changing event, the emotional area is always lagging behind what we "know" to be true. In this case, it is arguable that it should even be called denial at all, but maybe more accurately is simply one part of our brain taking a while to catch up to the more agile parts. It has also become clear to me that when it comes to big emotional changes, our (emotional) brains will take their sweet time coming around to match up with the reality of the situation, whether we are able to handle it right away, or not. I have always been firmly rooted in reality, but that one part of my brain had other plans, and took months to adjust to what had happened, even though I felt perfectly capable of dealing with it from day one. Maybe my brain is smarter than I am.... (?) ............(?)

Anyway, not to worry..... It is all quite normal, and not a sign of any inevitable loss of sanity. Without writing an entire book on the subject of grief right here, let me just say that whatever weirdness is going on in your head, it is most likely just a normal part of the process, and not cause for alarm, although if you start making plans to kill yourself, by all means, seek professional help right away. There is help available, but you have to let someone know that you need it. It is too easy to get to feeling that no one cares about you, when you are as depressed as most of us are. There are a lot of good, caring people in this world who are only too glad to help you if you can summon the strength to ask. I was lucky enough to find the help that I needed promptly, or I would not be here today. Once again, I promise you that you will not feel like this forever. Someday, you will smile, laugh, and maybe even love again. I know that it seems impossible, but it happened to me, and it can happen to you, too. Don't give up!! ......... You can do it!!

Big Bear Hugs!!! Kurt

[obakesan]

Kurt

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm not yet over the hump. I'm living something right now, just I don't feel at its worth it without her.

I am glad you found love again. I hold no such hope for myself.

I just am trying to fill in the time meaningfully.

:-)

[Kurtybearhugs]

Obakesan, I felt the same way for a long time..... You are entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be, and no one should ever be telling you differently. It is very common for people who lose their beloved partners to feel that way, and I understand the feeling well. At a point, I even thought that I should not have another relationship, because I couldn't stand to go through this again, and I even thought I should stay away from relationships because I didn't want anyone to have to grieve for me, and feel like I felt, for as long as I did. I just couldn't do that to someone who loved me. After four years though, although I still cry for my wife, I don't have those fatalistic thoughts much anymore. I'm not trying to be all "Mary Poppins" here, but I really do value my experience now, and I use it to help ease the suffering of others. When I say "I know how you feel", I mean just that, and my heart breaks for you. Do whatever you need to do to survive the next year, and don't let anyone try to tell you differently. I wish I could help more, but there are limits even to MY superpowers. lol I think this site is great, and there are lots of nice people to chat with, and a lot of understanding, healing and love are available here..... Keep up the good work. Loving Kindness, Kurt

[Kurtybearhugs]

Because there are so many people on this post who are so new to their grief, I wanted to put some general info out there, because there is a lot to know about the grief process, and some of you have expressed concern over whether or not what you are feeling is 'normal'. Grief can easily make us question our sanity, so here are a few factoids for you kind ponderance. (I like to make up words)

Often associated with profound grief are the following little perks : (Please keep in mind that these are (hopefully) temporary......) Insomnia, anxiety, memory loss, cognitive difficulties, irritability, anger, depression, panic attacks, worsening asthma, lethargy, despair, digestive trouble, headaches, high blood pressure, REALLY low self esteem, suicidal thoughts or actions, isolation, loneliness, constant crying, loss of appetite, muscle and joint pain, tightness in the chest, and even heart attacks and strokes. Ever hear a story about an elderly person who died, and their spouse dying a very short time later?? Now you know why...... I probably left out a few, but you get the idea. One other affect is that grief is now thought to cause chemical changes in our brains that make us feel much of the anxiety. Our response to grief is thought to be the same as it would be as if we were being attacked by a large predator. Adrenaline pumping, fight or flight response. Trouble is, there is nothing to fight with, and nothing we can run away from. So we sit at home like zombies (that's not a judgement) and feel like we are going insane, and our bodies rebel with equal ferocity.

When I read this for the first time, it was a great relief to me. Why? you ask..... well it was like someone told me that much of what I was feeling was being caused by a virus, or some equally evil little organism, and that I would simply have to wait it out. The idea that at least some of how I felt was not purely emotional, was somehow a great relief to me. I hope this helps....... Love To All..... Kurt

PS Some people do not grieve the way we do (or seemingly at all). We must use great caution in comparing ourselves to people who do not outwardly grieve. Some of them may even feel they have the right to tell you to stop being such a sissy, and get on with your life, etc. blah blah.... We are not defective because we are capable of feeling grief for our loved ones. What we are, is sensitive, caring, loving people, who loved very deeply, and who feel the loss of that loved one equally deeply. I wish you all well, and the strength to tell someone to go to Hell, if they even hint that there is something wrong with you, because you are grieving your loss.

Kurt

[obakesan]

Ever hear a story about an elderly person who died, and their spouse dying a very short time later??  Now you know why.....

Actually soon after my shock wore down (within the first week) I ought of my grandfather who died weeks after my grandmother. I was about 17 at the time and I realised even then that it was the connection between them. So yes.

What I also learned was that being younger makes is survivable, but do I want to?

I hear what you are saying, and your words have been things I have thought myself or discussed with friends. My feelings are that my relationship with my wife was the first time I had had a long term relationship where my caring nature was not abused by my partner (aka me being a door mat). I wanted to marry only a woman who loved me. Consequentially I was in my forties when I married (she in her 30ies).

Our love taught me many things, I will not go back to the bullshit just to not be alone. Now that I am 50 there seems little point in going back. So she gave me faith at high expectations can be fulfilled.

As to paths to healing my blog posts on my grief and my discussions with my friends are my path. I believe we heal like our bodies : through the work of the other cells around e damaged cell. This is my metaphor for the friends and family that surround us.

Best wishes to you and thank you for your posts here.

[Kurtybearhugs]

Please let me tell you about my day.

This morning I went to my Buddhist Temple to take my vow to become a Bodhisattva, which means that I promise to be nice to all living things, and help, protect, and serve others, and try to stop the suffering of all beings. After that, there was a ceremony which is a sort of mini funeral for those members who have recently died. We put a small picture of the deceased in a beautiful rack with all the other pictures and we pay our respects to all the decedents at this very nice little altar. My wife's picture is up there, along with many others

As usual, seeing her picture made me feel like crying, but today I managed to contain my tears. Then I took my vow, and immediately afterward we had the mini funeral for the recently deceased.

The symbolism contained in this one hour period was quite something to behold. First, I saw my wife's picture on the altar, and almost started to cry (in front of almost 30 people). This is the very essence of my past life which is gone forever, and which I now must leave behind. Then I took my vow, which is a culmination of two years of preparation. Literally starting a new life, and a new journey at that very moment. -- Moving on, and moving forward. A life that suits me better that the old one did. (Because I am a much better person, for having survived my loss) Then there was the mini funeral for the two people from our temple who died in the last week. Return to reality..... More death, more grief. More people left behind, to carry on, and try to build a new life. At some point toward the end of the ceremony, I did cry. Not so that anyone noticed. Just a couple of silent tears... (It was only then that I realized that I forgot my trusty hanky... Drat!)

In that moment, while I cried silent tears, I was happy. Since the death of my beloved wife Laura, I have learned many things. One of the things that I have learned...... is how to cry..... and be happy at the same time... Like right now. I Love You All, Kurt

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

LOST----- I went Christmas shopping for the first time this year last Monday, It really hit me for the first time, ever since I lost my wife a month ago, I felt lonely, but last Monday was the first time in 30 years I felt REALLY ALONE. I hope it will better soon.

I Had to try Christmas shopping three times before I could actually do it. I kept freezing up and just walking out. I'm glad the first holidays are done with, they really wore me down. I think I've come to accept that it has happened and that has brought forth a whole new set of challenges.... Slowly moving forward.

[obakesan]

I keep waiting for her to call me or show up.

I understand. My wife died on a trip home to visit family. I was there within 24 hours , I also held her body at the hospital, picked her body off the autopsy tray and placed her in her coffin and put her wedding ring back on (she'd left it at home).

Yet still I kept feeling she may be somewhere else. I realised that part of me needed to be sure she was gone. I left my job and left Australia to come to her home. I have visited almost every place we lived together.

I still feel her presence from time to time and (call me crazy or whatever) feel comfortable in believing that its because her spirit is with me.

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2012/12/i-just-dont-know.html

I wish you well