This hurts.....

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I lost my wife on the 28th of may i'm 36 and have a ten year old boy and a four year old boy. This has been a hard week family has helped a lot. friends have been there too. Is it wrong that I still find myself wanting to be alone most the time? I want people close but not in sight.

[eab2b2]

I lost my husband back in november and I still have a hard time wanting to be around people. I fear I'm starting to get stuck in my grief. It still hurts like it just happened last week. I've gone through all of the stages off and on, but have experienced a lot more of the depression stage than any of the others. I've been told I will never get over it but that I will get through it.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I lost my husband back in november and I still have a hard time wanting to be around people. I fear I'm starting to get stuck in my grief. It still hurts like it just happened last week. I've gone through all of the stages off and on, but have experienced a lot more of the depression stage than any of the others. I've been told I will never get over it but that I will get through it.

I'm so worried about my boy's 10 and 4 although they seem to be stronger than me. Her birthday is on the 14th of this month she was to be 37. It seems so unfair. I want my baby back. this has come so suddenly and making all the arrangements has wore me down.

[eab2b2]

I am so sorry for your loss. Me and Jerry didnt have any kids. All I can say is make sure you are taking time for yourself so you can continue to be strong for your boys. I've been told I need to get some specificly grief counseling, which I agree I probably do I am just so stuck. Some days I make headway and take 3 steps forward, and then for a week I'm taking 2 steps back everyday. if that makes sense at all...I think talking about it on here is a good step for all of us on here.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I'm scared of the depression I'm frightened of falling into myself. I have family that is and will help with the boy's and they are the world to me. I just feel at moments so dark and so lost. It's the people around me that can pull me out. Just trying to find the beauty in life and remember the times tat will bring a smile to my face or pull a laugh unexpectedly out of my mouth. it's a roller coaster of emotions with no real peaks right now.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I'm sorry I feel like I'm blowing this place up with comments. I was just going through our things getting clothes ready for the services tomorrow and it hit's me that I'm grabbing the same shoes to wear to her funeral as the ones I wore when I married her 11 years ago. thinking about getting my boy's dressed tomorrow to go say our last good byes. My 10 year old wanted a viewing so bad so he could say good bye and we couldn't because she drowned. none of this is fair! My boy's need their momma!

[MissingDaniel]

Oh bless you! Reading your posts is taking me back. I must say, that first week or so is like a blur to me now. You may find that to be the case later. I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. The first time I posted here, I had just lost my husband. I remember how comforting it was to read about others having gone through this.

But I wasn't thinking about all the ones to follow after me. Of course I know it happens every day, but it breaks my heart every time I see someone with a new loss. I understand your concerns for your children. Mine are 7 and 11, and every day it is a challenge to keep myself functioning enough to help and take care of them. Take any help you can get these first weeks and take care of yourself. I wish you strength and comfort to get through these early days of your loss. Reach out as much as you need to, and express yourself here as much as you want to. There are good people here to support you.

[widower2]

Is it wrong that I still find myself wanting

I almost stopped here - my point being there is precious little that could possibly be wrong with you wanting to be anything in this time as there is no "right way" to go through this. Whatever works for you, do it, including being alone. Drops hints as needed.

I'm scared of the depression I'm frightened of falling into myself.

Don't be. Let yourself feel whatever you feel, You need to allow yourself to work through this.

My. 02, for whatever it is/isn't worth -

[pwrightt]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband May 11th. For me the 1st week was the hardest. I thought I was going to drown in sorrow. Whenever you get down, and yes it does feel like a roller coaster, please come to the forum. The great thing about this forum is that we can all relate to you. We have all been there and its not a journey you want to take alone. You have plenty of friends here who do understand what you are going though and we are ready to listen.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

Thank you very much for the warm welcomes. We live in a smaller community and support groups are hard to find for some reason but I know I really need this. I was thankful for finding this sight and reading and weeping through the stories shared here. I just got back from taking my sons to youth services at the church and actually stayed with them this night, we breached on the subject of what we are going through but my 10 year old wasn't quite ready to talk about it, but we had a good time played hard. I need to talk to somebody from the outside that knows what I am going through and this is helping. She had an addiction to pain pills and possibly other things and I couldn't reach her we had been fighting for awhile and I keep coming back to feeling guilty that I could have done more I could have saved her. I keep seeing her driving up to the house and then realizing i's not even the same color car.

[LizzyW]

I lost my wife on the 28th of may i'm 36 and have a ten year old boy and a four year old boy. This has been a hard week family has helped a lot. friends have been there too. Is it wrong that I still find myself wanting to be alone most the time? I want people close but not in sight.

I don't think it's wrong at all. It's exactly the way I felt. I wanted to be alone, and still do, to a certain extent. I do force myself to mingle with other people in short spells, but my best time is spent alone for now. I personally think I need the time and space to be alone with my thoughts, and let all this grief become incorporated into me completely.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, and will keep you and your boys in my thoughts.

[LizzyW]

I'm scared of the depression I'm frightened of falling into myself. I have family that is and will help with the boy's and they are the world to me. I just feel at moments so dark and so lost. It's the people around me that can pull me out. Just trying to find the beauty in life and remember the times tat will bring a smile to my face or pull a laugh unexpectedly out of my mouth. it's a roller coaster of emotions with no real peaks right now.

That roller coaster of emotions is normal and to be expected. Most days, I pretty much swing from sadness to happiness, laughter to tears, and hope to dispair easily and with frequency. With time, it will calm down.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I commit my wife to the earth in 12 hours the boy's are sleeping the clothes are laid out. It's a work day and not all can be there, but she enjoyed motorcycle riding and the legion and some friends will be there to line the driveway to the grave site for the family to go through. I'm scared to lay down but I feel that tomorrow the healing can start.

[widower2]

I'm sorry. It's a hard hard journey you face, but you can do it.......

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

Thank you. Today was beautiful it went smoothly at the services. Got to the inlaws house and grandma popped off with the comment "they didn't talk enough about me" I snapped and told her we'd talk about her at her funeral, got my kids and went home. I feel bad now but that made me angry. I feel closure to some extent but I feel an emptiness that's unreal.

[needy]

My deepest sympathy Lostherwillawaysloveher. Grieving is work and unfortunately it takes time and there is no wrong way to grieve. I think we can all say people will say the most stupidest things and it is normal to get angry.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

Thank you needy. I know we are all hurting on here on some level the emotions are wild.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

Today has been rough. So many details to take care of dealing with life insurance so the service is paid for ssi for our children etc... Her vehicle was released and had to go pick it up and go through it to see if anything was out of ordinary after spending half an hour scraping off evidence tape. I thought I was going to have a heart attack! after diving her car to the car wash getting off the rest of the residue I left the boy's with their grandma for a few so I can sit and cry staring at her picture and fight the urge to dive into a bottle.

[naty0123]

Roll coaster ride is what we are..it was a year on may 11...im 37 with a now 11 and 20 yr old...i also fight the alone depressed feeling..just take it day by day ...evan min by min..some days are fine and some days u fee like i cant breath.. I stay busy with keeping my daughter in activities and im finally working after owning our own business for 12 yrs..hang in there and just go with your feelings!! Our youngest daughter doesn't really talk about her emotions...but i started having her journal her feelings....to help her talk....thanks for sharing your story...remember to take itand handle things on how u feel...

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

Than you munchkin. Man I drove her car to the dr's today and cried there and back. you mentioned breathing, that is something i'm having a hard time with today. I got back and my boy's are out with her grandparents and I'm freaking out.

[LizzyW]

Than you munchkin. Man I drove her car to the dr's today and cried there and back. you mentioned breathing, that is something i'm having a hard time with today. I got back and my boy's are out with her grandparents and I'm freaking out.

Don't freak out. Feeling like you are having trouble breathing seems to be common. I did that for a few weeks, and even went to a minor emergency clinic, just to find out that my breathing was perfectly fine- it was just an emotional reaction. When I found this out, I started doing some googling, and found out that I was probably actually hyperventilating, so I had to slow my breathing down consciously, and try to relax. It took a couple of weeks, but I don't notice it anymore. Everything will be okay in the long run. This hurts like hell, but the high state of emotions makes it seem even worse. Blessings to you.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

Went back to work for the first time in awhile. (Been out on medical leave) Been good, but find myself just walking off to cry or throw something. People say stupid crap trying to be nice. Someone asked me WHen I wanted to go fishing...... I simply responded "I don't think I will be around any ponds anytime soon" He started tearing up and I started talking about going hunting. walked off a few minutes later and lost it.

My boy's are staying with my wifes grandparents and the quite is unnerving. I want to call them every few minutes, or go get them. I won't, I need to embrace a little time by myself not enjoying it but just feeling it.

I find myself talking to her all the time, just saying I love you honey, I miss you, telling her that she will always be with us.

[patsyl]

Went back to work for the first time in awhile. (Been out on medical leave) Been good, but find myself just walking off to cry or throw something. People say stupid crap trying to be nice. Someone asked me WHen I wanted to go fishing...... I simply responded "I don't think I will be around any ponds anytime soon" He started tearing up and I started talking about going hunting. walked off a few minutes later and lost it.

My boy's are staying with my wifes grandparents and the quite is unnerving. I want to call them every few minutes, or go get them. I won't, I need to embrace a little time by myself not enjoying it but just feeling it.

I find myself talking to her all the time, just saying I love you honey, I miss you, telling her that she will always be with us.

lost Im so sorry you are going through this and I'm not sure if this will help but I wrote my husband letters telling him every feeling I had some that I couldn't say to anyone else but him it seemed to help me out of some very low point in my grieving. Its been 7 months and I'm still writing letters to him it has really helped me out of some very dark places.

[PD1]

Its his birthday too this month june 19th . Today 13june - 2 months have passed. It is so painful to deal all this. Miss him badly

[MissingDaniel]

Yesterday was 2 months for me. I have fallen into a pattern - since I had to go back to work, I try to keep it together during the day, but when I get home at night, I take the time I need. Every night before I go to bed, I have a long conversation with him about things, my feelings, how much I miss him....I haven't been writing things down, but maybe I should. Lost, I understand about wanting to just go get your kids. My kids are my sanity most days, and when they are not there, I want them to be. I've never much liked quiet, and now less than ever. Blessings to you as you work through your grief - the first month was rough. I wish none of us had to experience it!

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

sigh.... Made it through her birthday, work was Allright. Leaving work I found out her grandparents picked the boy's up to take them to dinner (plus take them to her site of commital to say happy birthday without checking with me about our plans.) I have not been that mad ever. So I got the boy's settled and went down on our bike and just talked with her for awhile. Talk about emotions I went through them all in a matter of an hour a couple of times. very intense. Now fathers day, the list she made of "Ideas for Fathers day" I can barely read for the tears that have fallen on it. and the day has barely started. My oldest is working a gunshow today and won't be home till six or so but he brokedown before leaving because mom couldn't take him out to get me a card. it's just going to be a long day...... Prayers to all thanks for listening.

[LizzyW]

sigh.... Made it through her birthday, work was Allright. Leaving work I found out her grandparents picked the boy's up to take them to dinner (plus take them to her site of commital to say happy birthday without checking with me about our plans.) I have not been that mad ever. So I got the boy's settled and went down on our bike and just talked with her for awhile. Talk about emotions I went through them all in a matter of an hour a couple of times. very intense. Now fathers day, the list she made of "Ideas for Fathers day" I can barely read for the tears that have fallen on it. and the day has barely started. My oldest is working a gunshow today and won't be home till six or so but he brokedown before leaving because mom couldn't take him out to get me a card. it's just going to be a long day...... Prayers to all thanks for listening.

I hope you made it through the day okay. I have been so pre-occupied, that I completely forgot about both mother's and father's day this year. Maybe it was a subconscious attempt to avoid the painful memories surrounding them.

[Shirleymac]

Hi everyone. Today is my partners birthday. Tears came easy today but I was very angry at myself because I was not the one to think of his birthday first. Guilt can be a long time healing. No rewards for speed I have been told. We all heal in our own time. Grief feels alot like fear! So I give my self what I need to find my center and remenber with soft eyes. smiles

[widower2]

Very sorry SM. Don't beat yourself up, life has done enough of that to you already - be in your own corner. tc

[PD1]

Hi Shirelymac, it is his birthday tomorrow. Am very tense and sad as he is not here anymore..we loved to celebrate our special days together.. Last year we had been to London and Europe and celebrated his bitrthday in Swiss.. And today see what is the case..Am all alone..miss him like hell.. Just want to be with him..talk to him...see him smiling...my heart is breaking... Its hurts within...cant bear this at all.. Why God did this to us??????????????

[Brokenwing702]

Oh Lost, so very sorry. Almost a month for me and still feel like I'm in a daze. Also just want to be alone and don't have patience for too many people so this must be common. As I said, new to me too so I don't know. Was glad to read about the having a hard time breathing thing. I didn't know this too was common. Thought it was just me. Still crying all the time but joining these groups does help. We are all going through the same thing and maybe we can help each other. Hugs to you and your kids.

[catz]

im glad to hear of all of you getting thru these hard anniversaries and holidays. ive been thru my own birthday, which was hell, and mothers day which was hell in a different way cos i knew how bad it was for his mother. I think the worst is yet to come tho, cos Alexs birthday is in December, and i really dont know how im gonna cope with that. Shirleymac, Lost, PD1......i cant put into words how much i admire that you got thru it.....you may have felt like falling apart, you may not have wanted to do it......but you did. I hope i can do the same. I wish none of us had to go thru this, but we do and all we can do is support each other and hope that one day the pain will lessen.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I love this site, I wish I never needed it but I would be lost without it. You all have been very supportive and empathetic. I find it such a comfort to come on here and read, cry, and vent when I can. Between working, keeping my boy's going, happy, comforting them and trying to deal with the "details" (ssi, insurance,no cod, etc..) having to keep a stiff upper lip most of the time, I find myself for lack of a better term vapor locked and this is a place that helps me come to terms. I hope in the future I can offer some comfort to others in these situations and be a help. Thank you all.

The last few days have been a daze. I've seen her obit. in the paper, I've seen the story in the paper when the found her (not yet identified), Seeing it in print at the ssi office and going through the 2 hours of questions and mechanical "can I have the deceased ssn?" fifteen times and 2000 other blunt questions really hit me hard.

I've reached a point that I don't want to talk to friends or family much because I feel like I am being a bother like they may be sick of it. I feel inecure if someone doesn't answer the phone. It's like oh man I don't want to deal with this guy right now. I know I'm being kind of ridiculous but I've felt like that for a week. It's like some people feel like I should be over the hard part by now. The feeling of alienation is overwhelming.there are alot of people at work that won't even talk to me even though we used to joke, carry on, and razz eachother. I just want a sense of normalcy that i feel will never come again.

[LizzyW]

I've reached a point that I don't want to talk to friends or family much because I feel like I am being a bother like they may be sick of it. I feel inecure if someone doesn't answer the phone. It's like oh man I don't want to deal with this guy right now. I know I'm being kind of ridiculous but I've felt like that for a week. It's like some people feel like I should be over the hard part by now. The feeling of alienation is overwhelming.there are alot of people at work that won't even talk to me even though we used to joke, carry on, and razz eachother. I just want a sense of normalcy that i feel will never come again.

I have found myself watching what I say, because I too don't want to keep bothering others with my pain. It's funny (not haha funny, but odd funny) how much you feel like you need to talk and keep going over the story over and over again. As for a sense of normalcy, I expect that it will be a new normal, not the old one.