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I Believe in God...


BreathofAngel

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hee hee . . . such a discussion about my comment regarding my life returning to a somewhat "normal" state! you are all right, what is "normal"??? who knows? all i meant i guess was i praise God for returning to a level of functioning that was in keeping with filling my obligations/responsibilities in less than a year after her death.

mark, in honesty, i won't lie here - i don't like going to the prison. i started it last november (6 mos. after erin passed) and i go all alone. there are times when i am there that i actually feel as if the enemy is taking over the meeting. . . there i go sounding "weird" again i know. the girls stories are heart breaking, they are usually very young - like 18 - 25 years old. i exchange letters with them throughout the week and i enjoy that a lot more. several of them write me back regularly. i have started to question whether it's good for me to go there alone or not . . . doesn't the bible talk about going "two by two"?

God is exceedinging good to each of us here, we have each other! We have HIM!

God Bless You All!

xoxox

kitty

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Well, Kitty, sorry for letting all the sillys come out. This had no bearing at all upon you. Next, you actually go in there alone?! OK, you do know this is risky? First of all, your safety, well, need I continue? You are too important and cared about to just have us throw you into shark infested water. It's about the same thing, eh. After that lecture, I would rather you go in by twos, at a minimum, because if you somehow can't think of an answer to their miriad of questions immediately, your partner will have a chance of knowing one, or prompting one from each other. Been in that setting, and I know they fire every possible question at you all at once. Now you have me reminiscing of the years I lived in Ontario. Life was so good there. Anyhow, where were we? Yes, Jesus sent the disciples out by two's, and this was practiced throughout the New Testament missionary journeys. Paul traveled with Mark, and then Luke, even did a trip with Peter. I wonder what they talked about? Even when I do a gig, I prefer to have a backup plan for the evangelism portion of the show, just in case something goes out of whack with my part of it. I may be in a different boat, because I have an entertaining thing happening, but it's still the Gospel, and it's still the cross. I just like to have someone there to step in if I crash out because of my health thing though.

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slowlyhealing

Helloo you all.

I am like on a coffee high right now, and I haven\'t even had coffee. I think it was the orange soda pop I drank only an hour ago. This is probably the most awake I am going to be today. Yes I have decided that I may not be normal, but I am gifted with a lot of different abilities, that God himself could only grant me with. So if someone ever calls me weird, \"NOPE... I\'m gifted.\"

People seem to laugh at that for some reason though.

Kitty, you are so strong. You have been through so much yet you are able to a lot for others too. I don\'t know if I could go to prison. I mean sure if I went maybe with my church, but it would hurt really bad, cause I know that my dad is in a prison. I don\'t know if my heart could handle that at this point of time, but I am sooooo glad someone is reaching out to people, women that may have never grown up to even hear the name of God used correctly. People who don\'t believe anyone would ever love them again. But God will, and that's the message everyone needs to hear and know. The world may let you down and cast you out, but God will never let us down, and he will take us in.

Laura, I hope your day is going better. Did you take time just to smile. That is always important to do I think. I think God wants us to at least see a glimmer of hope even on the cloudiest of days.

I mean that's why Jesus died for us. So we may have hope in seeing our loved ones again and we get to go to heaven which is the greatest treasure of all!

Christy, how are you doing? Your pastor sound awesome. Our pastor tells jokes all the time, and when we don't get them... oh boy I think thats the funniest part of it all. I go home after service to see if my mom was listening and got the message, even the jokes and she just rolls her eyes and grins.

I believe GOD has a sense of humor don't you.

Even in the hardest of times he gives us something to make us smile, and make us laugh. Even if they are just memories.

Mark your right about one thing (and more), but It seems as though MOMMY WILL ALWAYS know best. Oh how much I love my mom. Even in my "evil/ trying" teenage years she stuck with me, and she protected me from myself actually. Yeah... I do believe some of her rules were really mean at the time, but they were for my best interest. Oh how I'll miss her... not going to go there though. God gave me this time to be with her, and I'll be with her, until He take her home, and she'll still be with me in my heart and memories forever and ever.

Okay... I think I have spoken what is on my mind for now. GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL, and He'll give us peace. God bless you all.

Nikki

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Nikki - you are so inspiring. . always a ray of sunshine on this board. it is fun to hear how your days are going. i know you may not always feel it, but you have so much to be proud of. . so very much. God Bless your Heart and your sweet mother's heart. It makes me so happy to hear you talk of being with her again in heaven because that's the prize I believe we should all keep our eyes on. We will be reunited - thank you Jesus! Oh what a joyful day that will be for all of us and we do have that to look forward to!!

Mark - I feel physically safe at the prison, the guards are always nearby. But man oh man, heroin addiction is one UGLY and scary thing. it is so powerful that i feel it is no less than a demonic stronghold. i've seen it first hand way too many times. I pray for their deliverance from the cravings for them all the time. what a terrible road to go down, heroin i mean. Thank you for your thoughts and ideas. . . I am going to take the "two by two" thing seriously and pray about the perfect person to come with me.

Have a restful sleep tonight everyone, I pray God wraps you up and keeps you peaceful.

kitty

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slowlyhealing

Guess WHAT!!!!!!

We have gotten ourselves a van! WOOHOO. PRAISE GOD for a YES answered prayer!!!!! WOOHOO!

Thank you all for the prayers and your patience with me and this van situation. Its amazing how one thing can stress you out, but with continued prayers God just seems to place something wonderful in your lap.

Okay... umm the van WON't fit in my lap, but God gave it to us.

Well I must go.

I'll probably write again later.

May God bless you and your families today.

Nikki

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kagansmommy

Congratulations Nikki....I am so happy for you~!! Just what you needed, just when you needed it~!! Funny how things work out that way.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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Nikki, I sent you a message, but this is one for the books! I was about to start wondering how He would answer this prayer, and you hit us with this. Now take your Mom for a ride.

Christy, I have called it funny, wild, and a host of other ways to "explain" how God does what He does. I started using the words of a hymn, "It's just like Jesus." There are a few lines in that one I have used, including "it's just like His great love".

Kitty, of all the drugs out there, I hate heroin the most. I hate them all, but it gets personal with heroin. It destroyed so many lives of people I knew well, were related to, and even my daughter's Mom. I am also very happy and thankful for the few people who are brave and strong enough to take on this addiction in the lives of other people in the name of Jesus. If you want me to pray specifically for anyone you are helping, feel free to use my e-mail or hit my IM and I will pray for them daily - first names only, God knows who they are. We all have a place of service in the Kingdom, and as we serve the Lord faithfully, and with each others' prayers to strengthen and encourage us, His Kingdom will be filled with saints worshipping the King. Oh what a beautiful thing that will be to see and hear!

Tomorrow, I will be out of town again, so I'll say hi when I get back on this side of the border. We'll see how hard it is to get me to come back to the States. Til then, Mark

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kagansmommy

Mark...I don't know where you are headed off to but I wish you luck and pray for your safe return. I think of my "family" here and pray for you all more than I do my real family. You all mean so much to me.

I don't know a lot about heroin and don't care to. My son has had a couple friends in school die from a heroin overdose. Peter's son by his first marriage is 16 and smokes pot and does crack. He is in really bad shape because of it. Kagans death is really making him take a good long look at his life and what he is doing to it. He is trying to quit and has stopped hanging out with the kid's who got him started on it. I don't think Peter could take losing another son. I know it would definately do me in if anything were to happen to my only other son or my grand kid's.

I did make it to the graveyard to work on Kagans flower garden today. I didn't get it finished but it is looking so pretty. I was there for over an hour and we had a nice little chat while I worked planting flowers. I can feel him so strong when I visit his grave. I know he is with me everywhere I go but for some reason I feel him the most there. Maybe it's because he knows Mommy need's him the most when I am there. I will go finish it tomorrow if I can. I am going to get my grsnd daughter and spend some time with her too. She loves to go shopping and it does my heart good to take her.

Goodnight everyone~!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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Awesome Nikki - what great news! GOD ANSWERS PRAYER. He is so faithful, He is so responsive. What an incredible blessing, I will be thanking Jesus througout the day for your miracle van.

It is a beautiful day in New Hampshire, a bit cool but the sun is out in full force and the sky is a gorgeous blue. Not often enough, but once in a while I look around at this incredible world our Creator made. . . all I can say is WOW.

I hope everyone is having a great day, I am feeling pretty stable. The first anniversary of Erin's passing is approaching - May 6th. Praise God I'm still standing. I can say in complete honesty that it felt like every devil in hell came against me and my marriage in this past year. Praise God - I'm still standing.

If your looking for me today . . . you can find me UNDER THE BLOOD!!

LOVE YOU ALL,

kitty

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slowlyhealing

Good afternoon you all!

Isn't God wonderful! Its a beautiful day outside. A little toasty, but I think I'll live.

The van will be ready for us in two more days!!!!!

Kitty you hang on there. If you ever need to just let it all out we are all here for you.

I remember this song I use to sing... when I was a little kid, it seems to brighten my life up, knowing that the devil is going to get his when JESUS comes back.

It goes to "this little light of mine..." I believe... ???

"if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack. OWWW. Sit on a tack. OWWW. Sit on a tack. And if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack..."

and that is all I know. Admit it... it has to make you smile! I think I heard my little cousin singing the other week, and it just made me laugh.

God is sooo very good, even in the midst of trials he is still there

Well I must go, love ya all

Hope, love, and prayers,

Nikki

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I wish it was a little toasty in NH but we have temps in the mid 40's today. The sun is shining but it is not toasty. . . I love the summer! It's so short up here!

It's so good to hear the lightness in your posts today Nikki, you sound so chipper. A wonderful thing!

I think I'm going to be doing pretty good going into the anniversary of Erin's death. I am hopeful that the worst is behind me, it feels like that may be the case. The deep, deep grieving and heavy, heavy heart has left me. Praise God. For me, the first year was the worst, I am praying that the healing just keeps on keeping on. I praise God for the sense of peace He's blessed me with. The acceptance I've come to in terms of His plan for her life. FATHER KNOWS BEST.

Keep on doing whatever your doing Nikki, you're happiness is contagious!

Love,

kitty

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slowlyhealing

Amen to that Kitty,

Father does know best!

I hope you all have a wonderful day. PRaying for all of you.

Thanks again for all the prayers for the van and mom

Love ya all

Nikki

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Hello Everyone,

I posted to you all last night but it wouldn't go thru???? Last week I was having computer problems? Last week my oldest son sprained his ankle and I had him in the sports clinic and today I got an emergency call the my 15 year old got hurt in baseball practice so I had him in the sports clinic. Kitty...I feel like you that for me the past 4 years I felt like anything that could have gone wrong did and things have not let up yet. Good thing I'm a tough broad and use to hard work but admittedly I have just about all I can take. My energy is so low. I've told everyone here over the past year that we have to be selfish at this time and take really good care of ourselves as we are just hit with so many different emotions and feelings....it is so difficult. Thanks for all your sharing with me as it helps. I will admit I have been angry with you know who....and it is difficult for me to pray right now so I pray to my husband and dad...I ask them to watch over us here and to let me know if they are o.k. and to help give me strength. I feel like I must have done something really horrible in my life for my husband to be taken away from me...my world is so lonely without him. I feel like there is a hole in my heart...I really do! I hope you all understand. I think of you all and keep you all close. You all sound like you are doing good...NIKKI....I can just see you driving that beautiful van. What part of KY are you from...I am originally from Cincinnati.

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Christy, thanks for praying for my "return." I drove into the Adirondack Mountains this morning to get my son's car which was parked at his grandfather's ranch. I also went up there to sneak into Quebec. It's good to go home occassionally, and my wife was worried I wouldn't come back to the States.

Kitty, I also love NH. My wife was raised in Groveton. I want to take her back, but her health wont let that happen now. But we love it's beauty.

Well, so much for today. I need a nap. Mark

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slowlyhealing

Laura,

Sounds like you had a rather adventful week. I know how that is. some weeks it seems as though the world is finally giving you a break, and then bam. Your lying down reading a book or watching tv and it falls on you like a pile of bricks. AND boy sometimes it hurts.

I also know how it is to feel really really tired. Sometimes I feel like breathing itself is wearing me down. Tiredness. I feel like an old woman already and I'm only 20.

I wonder to God at times why he makes me feel so old, and then I come to laugh when I get the answer. With age comes wisdom.

I hope and pray that God gives you the strength to get through the rest of the week.

Love and prayers

Nikki

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Mark, Nikki, Christy please agree with me in prayer for Lauraa. . . .

Heavenly Father,

You know Lauraa's heart and you know how much she can take. Your awesome word tells us that you will never give us more than we can bear. I pray, in the precious and holy name of Jesus, for Lauraa to be relieved this very morning of the burdens that she feels are overwhelming. I pray for her health to improve and her fatigue to stop overcoming her. Father, you love Lauraa so much and I pray for the healing to begin in her heart this very minute, for her emptiness to supernaturally disappear, for her to feel a peace and calm that surpasses all understanding. I thank you precious Father for your endless protection for Lauraa and her beautiful family. We praise you in Jesus Holy name,

in Jesus Holy name,

in Jesus Holy name,

Amen

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Laura, you did absolutely nothing to cause this, I can guarantee that. You are grieving a tragic loss in your life. It's perfectly normal to have these feelings, and it's also perfectly normal to feel angry and a little confused right now. Your heart has to face each of these feelings, process and make sense of them. It takes time and patience, I know. I think we all feel the same about one thing, and that is, if we can help you in any way, just ask. If you need to talk to someone, feel free to drop an e-mail to one of us, or hit our IM's. We are all here together in a bond of the soul, and together, we'll see each other and ourselves through this journey. I hope I said this right. Talk to you soon, Mark

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slowlyhealing

Laura,

I hope everything is going okay with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers through out this day.

I think today is just one of those days. Its not an up day, but its not really a down day. We get the van back tomorrow you all. I am so happy and blessed. I can't wait to be driving that thing with momma next to me. I'll have to write you all and tell you how wonderful her smile was when I get to drive her somewhere.

I hope you all are doing alright. Keep on writing. We are all here to listen. Thats what friends are for

Love and PRayers,

Nikki

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what a joy it is to be able to reach out to you guys and be lifted up by such love! i just want to say thank you, i feel very blessed to be hanging out with such a high caliber of humans! hee hee. . .

also i had a bit of a prayer request. i'm not sure how much i've told you all about the fact that i spent 12 years of my life (from age 30 - 42) self medicating with alcohol. i believe it was in an effort to escape depression, but guess what? it doesn't work!! hee hee

anyway, my husband still drinks and so do his buddies and they have been around our house a lot lately because we're getting ready to move. there are a few things that needed to be done in order to sign off on our building permit. so, hence, the guys are around a lot helping my hubby out. and, you guessed it, so is a lot of beer along with them.

it hasn't really happened until recently but i am struggling with temptation and i don't want to go there again. my life is so much better since i stopped, the biggest difference being the depression eased a ton. physcially i feel much better too. i just want to keep on the path i'm going. i should probably consider AA meetings.

Anyway, prayers for my strength to get through the temptations would be very appreciated. THANK YOU ALL.

Love,

kitty

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slowlyhealing

Kitty,

You are so strong, and there are days where you just have to be. I will be in prayer for you and your family. I will also be in prayer that God gives you the strength to stay on the right track and hold on to his truth and promises.

Love and prayers

Nikki

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thank you for thinking so nikki, but i am only as strong as God's grace allows me to be. Without Him, I can do nothing. With Him, all things are possible.

i hope you all have a fantastic weekend. i will keep each of you in my prayers, especially you Lauraa . . . God Bless your sweet heart. Better days are coming, the darkness will lift. . . God will see you through.

Love,

kitty

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Dear Kitty, Nikki, Mark and Everyone else,

I had no idea until right now that you were all praying for me today....Guess what? I was out in my garden the entire day from 9 a.m. until about 7:30 p.m. I worked my little fingers to the bone and I even thought many times to myself that I felt I had alot more energy today (that was 10 hours in the yard)....hard labor! I do believe the power of prayer works and it did today....I did not know you all were posting for me in prayer...thank you all...I am crying happy tears right now. I did cry off and on while I was working but I got alot of anger out with the shovel and backhoe...lol! I have always felt from the beginning when I lost my husband that I would have to face this whole grieving thing head on and it would not be easy...I think I have been in such deep grief for 11 months now and it has been so difficult because we worked so hard to heal my husband and I prayed and prayed for him to be healed...you wouldn't believe everything we did for healing and the money it took to do it (all worth it)but in the end it didn't work...it took awhile for the reality to set in and all the while I wasn't able to begin to grieve my parents deaths. My dad died 6 months before my husband and my mom 3 weeks after....I didn't know if I was coming or going! Then after all this I had to pick up the pieces and keep my family going. I know I'm strong and I know god is with me! I will never ever forget about a month ago when I was so angry and I thought god does not love me...that night in the middle of the night I woke up with the most profound aloneness that I have ever felt in my life. Why would he take such a beautiful man from his beautiful family that he wanted and loved so much...he wanted a family so badly and wanted to be a father because he never had a father and I know the love we shared was unique...why, why, why? I hope that my post don't bring any of you down as that is not my intention, actually I am the one that is "ALWAYS" the strong one holding everybody and everything together so this is hard for me.....I thank all of you for your support and especially your prayers...THEY WORKED! Thank you so much much.

Kitty, Thanks so musch for your sweet thoughts and prayers and I will hold you close to my heart and prayers. just remember how strong you are and what makes you feel good. Be honest with your husband and tell him you feel tempted and your afraid and ask for his help and ask gods.....Go for a walk, call a friend or post to us...we love ya.

Nikki, I wish I could grab you and hold you in my arms...you are so sweet and beautiful...I know your mom is watching you with complete admiration that she can call you her daughter.

Mark, thank you for you kind post and thoughtfulness. I have a complicated story and one I can not talk about now but I will when the time is right....

I would appreciate continual prayer for me to have strength...and please know that everything I do (always and now) is about truth and honesty. Everything I do is for truth and it isn't easy.

Christy, I am sure your flowers are looking beautiful...I know each day is difficult but when I get really down I know my husband wouldn't want me to be sad and that helps me but I also know if the table was turned he would be crying, too. You are all in my daily thoughts and prayers...I don't feel all alone when I am here....bless you all and thank you all for you prayers.

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Kitty, of course you'll be in my prayers. We know that the Scripture is true, and with every temptation we face, God provides an escape to His mercy (First Corinthians chapter 10). If you think you should check out AA, please go for it (it's gotta help, cuz I'm still clean). Is it possible that they would keep the stuff out of the house for your sake? You take it easy this weekend, and we'll be praying for you.

Laura, working through the miriad of emotions following the loss of one person you love is difficult. I can't begin to imagine the pain you feel after losing three of your closest and dearest. I will pray for you throughout the day. Anger is a part of grief and I would never think it wrong for you to be angry. Just take the time to nurture yourself, because you need what it gives - emotional wellbeing.

Nikki, I hope you're feeling better this evening. You are always in my prayers. I'm praying for those little things. Rest well, and feel free to drop a note on us anytime.

Everyone enjoy the weekend. I plan to, and spend it at home with my wife. Pray for her: it looks like we're in for a lot of pain this weekend. Thanx! Mark

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slowlyhealing

Hello you all, Mark, Kitty, Laura, Christy and the rest of you.

I want to thank you all for the support and prayers. You never know how much I have needed them lately.

Thank you for taking the time to care for your "fellow neighbor". God is going to bless you all for caring so much about others, and getting out there and sharing your thoughts and testimonies with others.

If my arms would only reach I would hug each and every one of you. But since I am not a long armed monkey, I will just pray that God gives you peace and comfort tonight.

May God bless you and keep you all up in his strength and his powerful comfort.

Love and prayers

Nikki

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Well, Nikki, you could fax that hug (LOL). Thanx for that thoughtfulness. You really are awesome! Well, today is a fairly good one. We went out and got two guinee pigs, so my wife is happy, even if the day tired her out and made her hurt a bit more than usual. Last night was rough, but this is the way that it goes with the dystrophy. keep praying for that pain. We have an appointment in late May, so maybe there's something new for it to help her. Gotta split, Mark

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kagansmommy

Nikki, I sure do wish your arms would reach me right now. I need a hug in a really bad way. This weekend has been horrible. I have had panic attacks all evening and I have cried for two days. My daughter-in-law wanted to have a yard sale and asked me to bring some things if I wanted. I thought I was ready to get rid of some of Kagan's smaller clothes...BIG MISTAKE~!! I was fine while going through them and pricing them. But once people started coming and snaching them up I lost it. The rest of his things are going to stay right where they are. His closet and dresser are still full of clothes and blankets but I don't care. They will not be moved again. I knew I couldn't get rid of his stroller and carseat but I never expected the clothes to bother me like that. I only took the ones he never wore or didn't wear often. Most of them still had the tag's on them...but they were still Kagan's. Bought especially for him.

All the clothes he had gotten for christmas were still hanging with the tags on them. I'm glad I didn't know any of the people who bought them and I never have to see their kid's wear them. Now my son is afraid to let his little boy wear any of the clothes I gave them. I don't know how that will effect me.

I have taken 2 xanax and three tylenol pm's plus my 6 heart medications and my paxil and 4 ibuprofin and 2 sinus pills so hopefully they will knock me out soon. I can't take feeling like this anymore. I'm sorry for such a depressing email and i apologize if I bring anyone down. I knew there was nobody else who would understand like my family here. I truly hope you all have had a good weekend. I haven't read all the post's for the last 2 days and hope I can catch up tomorrow. Take care and thanks for letting me vent.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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slowlyhealing

Oh Christy, I'm so sorry to hear about your weekened. I know how panic attacks happen. I am bound to go through one today, if my brother doesn't start behaving, and treat both mom and me with a little more respect. AHHHH. I'm trying to breathe truly I am. I just have so much to do and not enough time to do it.

Here is a hug thoughts to you Christy, and you are always in my prayers. You can vent all you want. I'll let you and I'm sure the others don't mind. It's just been one of those weeks. Hold on Christy, You are still in my prayers and thoughts, and I know a lot of other people are praying for you too.

Can you all be in prayer for Mark, he said that he had to run his wife to the hospital. I don't know what is going on but please be in prayer for him and his family.

Well I must go. I have to try to get back on track with life. Why does it have to be so hard at times, especially right after a good day it seems to hit you all at once.

Love and prayers

Nikki

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Hello Nikki, Christy, Mark, Kitty,

Yes, I will be in prayer for Mark's wife and hope all is o.k.for the two of them.....Christy, I do think that sometimes like Nikki said we can have bad days after coming off half way decent ones. I can only imagine how you felt seeing your babies clothes going..I'm so sorry. This weekend I had the kids go thru their closets to clean out....I went thru my stuff and there in no way I can part with anything that is my husbands. So, just know that what you are feeling is so normal, I have felt from the beginning that I would need to feel every last emotion in order to get thru this...I cry each and everyday. I find when I am driving I always cry...maybe because I'm alone. BUt, then again I cry no-matter where I am when I'm alone. I don't know honestly if I will ever get over loosing him. Only you all here could understand that or others who have lost loved ones. I know one thing and that is I am not afraid of dying!

I hope you all have peace tonight and a good night sleep...I will hold you all in my heart and wish that for you all....Maybe, if we can ease our grieving our love ones will come to us easier in our dreams. I know my husband is with me always...I feel him and I know your love ones are, too! Nikki,I am going nuts with 3 teenagers that are "all" hormonal so I know what you are going thru.....Sometimes, I'm am better off if I just keep my mouth shut and say nothing. How is the van working out????

Peace to everyone!

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kagansmommy

Thank you Nikki and Laura so much for the prayers. Hearing your stories makes me glad my son isn't a teenager anymore. I think what got my bad weekend off to a rough start was going to my Mom's thursday evening. She is packing things up in the house because she is getting married in three weeks. My Dad has only been gone less than 13 month's. She was giving all his clothes to my nephew and told me if there were any of his personal belongings I wanted then I better get them now. Sh gave me a picture of the two of them taken about 20 years ago and also a picture with a poem on it entitled "Dad" that I had given him for Fathers day at least 15 years ago. She like ok I'm moving on and I have to get these things out of here. That was my Dad and she was dividing his things up like it was nothing. I am thankful to have his personal things. My Brother and Sister are already fighting over the money and property but things like that don't mean anything to me. I wanted his personal belongings that meant something to him not his money. So I took his pocket knife and his keys he had carried on the same key ring until it is almost worn in two and his fishing pole. When my family has blown all the money I will still have what mattered to him. So thats why I am not getting rid of anything else of Kagan's...at least for a very long time. I have got his and my Dad's graves looking really pretty. My Mom said that since Kagans grave was right next to Dads that we could take care of it too. I would rather do it myself anyway but it is just the thought of her not going there anymore. At least I know it is being taken care of. My brother or sister have not been there since my Dad passed except for Kagans burial. I can go to sleep at night knowing that I have done right by my Dad and my Son and there is no amount of money in the world that can replace that. Even though it hurt's that Mom is getting re-married, he is a wonderful man and I support them 100%....but I am the only sibling that does. I try to treat them the way I expect to be treated and all is good.

Today has been a little better emotionally. I have only cried a couple times but tears are good for the healing and for the sould I think.

MARK...I am praying for your wife. God be with you both today and always.

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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Thanx Nikki, that helped a lot in letting everyone know so they could pray. We had a crash in her dystrophy, and had to get all drugged up so she could stand the pain. She's resting okay, but still in pain. It's hard enough to see her with this, but her Dad has it too, so we see a lot of pain.

Laura, did you send me an e-mail? My puter crashed and I got wiped outby a stalker hitting me with a virus. At least my neighbor knows enough to kill the virus and get it running again. I hated using my son's laptop over the weekend (is my spelling better, Nikki?). If you want to hit my IM, feel free. I'd love to talk to you.

Christy, what's so bad about the teenager thing? I got two of three through it, and it's only made me half crazy. LOL. I'm working on the grandchildren now. Wait til you get there! The worries only change. Thanx for praying. Mark

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slowlyhealing

Hello you all. Well I got most of the things I wanted to do done. Praise God for the simple every day miricles.

Laura, The van thing is going great. the only problem was we couldn't get it for the weekend, and I soooo very much wanted to drive it. Oh well tomorrow!!! WOOHOO. And teenagers... it seems like I am raising them now. Though I have my time where I can just be a sister. I think I rather be the sister to these boys than their mom. They're just tooooo crazy. lol.

Mark you are doing much better on that typing and spelling. LOL. I think you have been practicing. I'm praying for you and your family. I hope your wife is doing better.

Christy, you hang in there okay. Love and prayers for you and your family. I know the hard days are still there, and there are good days. Hold on to the good days.

Well I hope you all had a good day. My day was suprisingly not as stressful as I thought it would be. I prayed so hard for that. :) I am in constant prayer for all of you.

Love and Prayers

Nikki

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kagansmommy

Thanks Nikki...I'm holding on the best I know how and thanks for the cyber hug too...I needed it. Mark, I am glad to hear your wife is home. I just wish she didn't have to be in so much pain. And about that grand children thing...I already have 2 of them. Dacey is 17 months and her little brother Dawson is 4 months.My son and his wife definately have their hands full. I have to admit my son was a good kid and never gave me much grief until he started driving. Actually it wasn't anything he had done. It was my own head giving me the problems. When he started driving I got very depressed. I just knew he was going to be killed. I would sit home at night and wait for someone to call and tell me he had been killed. I would take a shower, get dressed and sit with the phone in my hand. That about drove me over the edge. I knew even back then that I was going to have a child die. But him being my only child at the time I automatically assumed it was him. I never dreamed in a million years that I would have another child when my son was 23 but boy was I wrong. Wether you are ready or not when God sets a plan in motion there is nothing you can do to stop it. I had a vision 8 years ago that my son and I would both become parents at the same time and it would be when he was 23. I told him about my vision after I got pregnant with Kagan and he laughed at me. There was only 4 months difference in our kid's. So now when I tell him something off the wall he listens. He called me up one day and asked if I had been feeling anything new...I said yeah Tiffany (his wife) is pregnant again...they were floored because she was and they hadn't told anyone yet.

I don't know why God chose me to see and know the things that I do. Everyone tells me it is a gift but it scares me sometimes.

I hope you all had a good nights sleep and that today is better for everyone. I feel pretty good so far but you all know how quick that can change for all of us. God Bless you all today~!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN"

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Good Morning Everyone,

Ah, My kids are back to school today so maybe I can have just alittle breathing space. I can't complain my kids are all doing a good job since loosing their dad...they surprised me???? I thought they all would have crumbled but I truely think it is all too painful for them to truely face...what scares me is you can run but you can't hide...so when will it really hit them? I kept so busy this weekend and I am so sore I can hardly move...I walked 5 miles yesterday and did alot of yard work all weekend. MARK....I'm glad your wife is better...you are like me when it comes to the PC....I always need help figuring things out like that.

NIKKI....I smile when I think of you driving that van...WOOHOO!

CHRISTY.....Keep up the good work. I know it isn't easy for anyone of us. I can cry at "anything" ...and you are so right the there is a plan and we are not in charge of it....We all found that out first hand....I have to be careful now becacause I could very easily get into a rut of not caring and trying so hard because of that....Sometimes I feel like why bother if there is another plan already mapped for us?????? But that is hard cause I a worker and fighter.......I am trying to figure out what god wanted me to learn by this horrible experience by taking the most precious person to me away and now having to endure life without him????? I don't understand. The good die young....and that gets me...so you think god wants all the good to be with him so more work can be done for all of us.....to make this a better world? I don't know where my life is heading after finish raising my kids......I need all of your prayers for this Sunday as I am accepting an award in my husbands honor....it is a Distinguished award and I will need to give an acceptance speech in front of approx. 300 people....Pray for strength for me to do it....the last time I did it in the fall I felt as if my husband carried me to the podium.........I will be so focusing on this all week......I want to do a good job and not fall to pieces. Please pray for strength, dignity and clarity for me.....I wooooould sooooooo appreciate it your support!

I hold you all in my heart and please know your never alone.

NIKKI....I smile when I think of you driving that Van. WOOHOO!

C

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Good Morning All!

I'm praying everyone is having a great start to their week. My weekend went pretty well. . . there were a few bumps in the road but nothing I can't hand over to God. I did go to my first AA meeting and it was a pretty cool. I guess I felt a little strange with the whole "HI KITTY" - "THANK YOU KITTY" -"KEEP COMING BACK KITTY" . . they have a routine you know . . . it could be sort of like a comedy skit if you stepped back and watched from a distance. But anyway, the important part was the people were so nice and welcoming and man, oh man, some of the stories are rough! I have experienced nothing compared to some of these poor souls. I think my plan will be to go to women only meetings in the future. To be honest, I felt a little uncomfortable with some of the men. Can't put my finger on exactly why. . . I just want to tread on the side of caution.

FATHER GOD, I ASK FOR A SPECIAL HEDGE OF PROTECTION ON MARK'S WIFE AND MARK, ON NIKKI AND CHRISTY AND ON LAURAA TODAY. PLEASE EASE ANY DISCOMFORT AND SOOTHE ANY SADNESS. YOU KNOW WHAT EACH ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN NEED TODAY FATHER. I ASK IN THE PRECIOUS NAME OF JESUS FOR YOU TO FILL THEIR NEEDS ACCORDING TO YOUR WILL. AMEN AND AMEN!

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slowlyhealing

Good Morning everybody. I am yet at school to start of my nice long week. I'm just breathing before I have a nervous breakdown, for no apparent reason. anyway I should be at least a little thrilled cause WE GET OUR VAN TODAY. I'm going to take pictures! lol! WOOHOO! Its a little bigger than our old van so that I might have to get use too, but momma's just so thrilled.

I think the first place we have to take her is to Vanderbelt to get her headrest, that will be a biiiigggg relief. I don't like the way this one lets her head fall. :( its just not good. But after that, I have noooo clue where I'll be driving that thing!

Laura and Christy, I am in prayer for you. May God give you the strength and the patience you need to serve him and to have peace in your every day life. I'll also be in prayer for your families and friends, that they may also provide a loving and supporting circle around you.

Mark! How are you doing buddy?! How is your wife today? I do believe you are finally conquering that laptop. Do you get your old computer back soon or must you deal with that little beast of a laptop for much longer.

Good Morning Kitty, how are you doing today. I'm praying for you and your family. Stay strong girl.

Well I must Go, class starts in about 15 minutes. Ewwww. Please pray that I get through this day without loosing my mind or falling asleep in my classes. I don't mean too truly, and I don't want to disrespect the teacher, cause their lessons are actually not that boring, but falling asleep doesn't really show that does it?

May God bless you and strengthen you all. May he hold you in his comforting arms, and remember... its okay to cry, and its okay to show emotions, we are humans thats what we do best.

Just make sure that if your angry you don't hit the wall, cause God made men who made studs and as my brother found out they kind of hurt.

Love you all, and praying for you daily,

Nikki

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Christy, I can't remember a seventeen month old, much less four. My grandson is four years. LOL. It's wierd, but having only met him last Oct. I feel like I might have missed out on something, you know, colic, diapers: oy. But I'm overjoyed at finally finding my daughter.

Laura, I never will figure out the computer. All I do with it is stay in touch with my music world and my friends. Beyond that, like Nixon said (although referring to the war), it has no purpose.

Kitty, I'm proud of you. Word to the wise, bring your own coffee. Been there, drank that. LOL. I will never judge, and I will always support. You will always have my prayers. And I know that comedy skit: pretty wild eh. The little slogans were enough to drive me the rest of the way crazy. But I still hang out there if I feel I need it.

Nikki, only a few more days to getting the headrest. Be patient. And don't drive that van like I drive mine. Eeeesh! I forget it's not the Vette once in a while. And you'll adjust to the bigger van. Just watch the mirrors a little more for a few days. I know I'm probably sounding like a nag, but, well, you know. . .

Now, everyone, we are home for the moment, but waiting to know when we see her neurologist or get hospitalized. I hate going out of state like this, but I need a break at the shore, anyway. Maybe I'll take a few minutes to see an old friend in Baltimore. Maybe I'll do a little off shore fishing. Never can tell what trouble I can get into (try not to laugh). Right now, my wife is in lots of pain, and I'm tending to her about every fifteen minutes. I'll keep you all up to date. Pray, because I was told of another treatment and we'll see what's up with it. I would love to see a cure for this monster. More later, Mark

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slowlyhealing

Mark, you are in my thoughts and prayers. May God bring you and your wife peace, and may He grant the doctors the knowledge and understanding to help you and your wife. Hang in there. :)

Love and prayers

Nikki

and I'll try my hardest not to drive like a maniac with the van, I don't really like driving huge vans so I'll be driving like a granny no doubt. lol.

Have a great day, or at least a moment.

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I can't wait til I can get out and work in my garden like both Lauraa and Christy are doing - get down and dirty in the dirt!! I love that. We are not quite there yet in NH. . . . a few weeks away. The earth takes it's sweet time to come back to life and warm up after the brutal winters here.

I have a praise report everyone . . . we found out the sale of our house fell through on early saturday evening because the buyers financing fell through. They are a young couple and evidently were promised a portion of their down payment from a relative who backed out at the last minute. Anyway, while we have already got all the wheels in motion to move and storage set up and we're practically out the door - I was very peaceful and accepting and instantly knew that God had hand another idea for who buys our house or when we move or if we move. I am just excited to see what His plan is, not all freaked out and psycho. That would have been the old me.

Praise God I'm a new creature!!!

Love to ALL,

Kitty

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slowlyhealing

Awesome praise report Kitty! I am so very glad God has given you peace and comfort, and this wonderful gift. Now you don't have to go and loose your mind, cause once you loose it it is very hard to find again. :)

God still moves!

Nikki

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kagansmommy

Hey Kitty...I wish I had waited another couple weeks to plant my flowers. Last weekend when I did all my planting it was in the upper 80's. This past weekend all my planter boxes and Kagans plants from the funeral were lining my hall and kitchen. It looked like a jungle in here. Friday night it dipped down to 28 degrees and the high saturday was only 38. It was 51 degrees colder than the high for last saturday. We were on the boat in the middle of lake monroe in our swimsuits...seven days later we were digging out the winter coats again. But thats Indiana weather for ya...gotta love it~!! I'm sorry that the deal on your house fell through. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and it's good you are looking at it that way too.

Laura....Good luck on your speech. You are a tough woman who has made it this far and you will be great~!!! I totally agree with you on the only the good die young thing. Kagan was the best and I am sure God needed some little boys up in Heaven who are total stinkers to keep everyone on their toes. You could tell there was a rotten little boy in that little body just busting to get out and get in trouble. He would squeal and laugh and he wouls be shaking all over like he was over flowing with energy but his body wouldn't cooperate with him. I believe that was the hardest thing for me was to watch him so full of life and so happy but his body wouldn't work. God I'm crying again~!! But it does now and that is all that matters. He had a wonderful life here on earth and now it's a million times better in Heaven where that precious little body DOES work.

It seems like everything I saw today or every song I heard reminded me of his somehow. I have cried all day today. I couldn't wait to get home and read everyones post's and see how you all were doing today.

Gos Bless and peace be with you all~!!

Christy

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

Mark...I don't know what is wrong with your wife since I was a late comer to this group but I pray for her daily. Like Nikki I am praying the doctors have the knowledge to find something to help her. Hang in there with the computer. I'm no expert either but I sure do enjoy trying.

Nikki...I am glad you have finally gotten your van. Wear your seatbelt and mind the speed limit. Sorry...just the Mom in me kicking in. You sound like a very responsible young woman and I am sure you will do fine. Good luck with getting your Mom's headrest fixed. Isn't there an organization that will come to your home and do that?

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slowlyhealing

Hi You all. I am just about to leave work. Praise the Lord I didn't fall asleep in any of my classes, and I didn't fall asleep trying to work. and yet I didn't have one cup of coffee this morning, though this afternoon I did cheat and have a candy bar to hold me till lunch. It was good. I couldn't eat all of it, chocolate make me ewwy like.

Last week it was nice and warm out, and this week it dropped like 20 degrees! Man alive, I need to get back into my closet and get my hoodies out. But God at least blessed us with some sunshine today!

Christy! How are you doing? Are you having an okay day today?

Laura, How are you? Speeches and I don't get along. I'm a firm believer that God has made me like Moses, cause see I'm not really good with words, but if I can type and write, that is when the words I mean to say and so desperatly want to say are revealed, and writing and typing is also the way I talk about my faith, and how wonderful Our Lord our God is. I have never been good at speaking. I have been told I sing pretty well. yea... sure.. okay. Anyway good luck on that speech. If you could survive all of this, and you are still going strong with three teenagers, you can survive this night. and if you have a rough time or anything just type to us we'll listen! :) That's what friends are for.

Kitty, you stay strong girl. I believe God will give you the strength and what ever else you need to make it through any circumstance.

Mark! How are you doing today? I am in prayer for you and your family. May God give you the strength you need, and a restful night ahead.

Love you all here is a internet hug from me to you. (((((hug)))))

Okay I know its not the same but... hopefully you got the message!

Love and prayers

Nikki

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Kitty, I am praying for the details to be right and in His timing for the house. You're obviously resting in His providence to take care of the details for you. Now to be patient and let Him do it His way. I preach that at myself all the time, and occasionally it works. I am the prince of worry and stubborn. I try to do too many things my way too much, and when I do, I get the big white "time out chair." Someday, I may just learn to let Him do it His way.

Christy, there is absolutely no hope at all for me with these computers. I am okay with my guitar, but the puter is not my forte. I heard about the "warming" trend out your way, and I still say it's warmer in Alberta than in the northeast US. LOL. At least we didn't get the foot plus of snow that MI got. Be patient, it will warm up eventually. I appreciate the prayers, even if you are the new kid on the block. I appreciate the prayers of all of you, and I consider you all friends.

Nikki, just watch the coffee, it may make you nervous. Look at what it did to me. Enjoy the new van, and let your Mom have a lot of fun in it. If only I could be there with a camcorder for you driving like the little old lady from Pasadena. Listen to the song and you'll know I'm only teasing. If you'd like to audition as a singer, I can call my agent. I do need a good female voice for a project: can you sound like Stevie Nicks? awww, just send a demo.

Laura, I don't have an answer on who is chosen by God to stay or leave. If it's true that the good die young, I think I'll live forever. My heart aches for you, and here's a little cyber hug today. If you need a cyber shoulder to cry on, just give a yell.

Now the update. My wife is going into the rotation for treatment, and it's not perfectly effective, but it works for a few months. The big hope for a new treatment that would help her went up in smoke for the time being. Politics are involved and that makes it difficult to get the treatments on time and within reason for expense. There is another option, but not covered by insurance, in Germany, and very dangerous. Keep the prayers going, because the decisions are getting tough to make right now.

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kagansmommy

Hang in there Mark~!! I know sometimes that just when it seems things couldn't get any worse...they do. But there is always a light at the end of every tunnel. I pray for your well being as well as your wifes. Taking care of your loved ones can really take its toll on your own health.

It is slowly warming back up here. High today was 61 I think. But icky rain is the forcast thru sunday. Cleveland, Ohio was his with 22in. of snow so our luck could be worse.

I went to visit the graves today. I had them looking so pretty. I had all the soil smooth as silk with new grass growing. I was so upset when I saw what the grounds keeper had done. When he cut the grass there sunday he drove right across both graves and put two huge ruts across them both. The grass is new baby grass not even an inch tall so he didn't need to cut it. Now I have to take more dirt down there and do it again. Plus someone stole some stuff from Kagan's grave. The person who would stoop low enough to steel from a baby's grave should really walk softly and watch his back. You reep what you sow and it could get ugly. I also believe you get back what you put out 10 fold.

I also happen to know a lady who sounds just like Stevie. Peter went to church with me for my Grand son's dedication and he was amazed with her voice. He is a HUGE Stevie fan. She is the Pastors wife and she definately has a beautiful voice...which is more than I can say for myself. :>)

Prayers to everyone for a good nights sleep.

Christy

"NIGHT KAGAN...MOMMY LOVES YOU"

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kagansmommy

Hey everyone....I need your prayer and I need a lot of it. Tonight I believe has been the worst one since Kagans death. I can't hold it together for more than five minutes and I ma crying hysterically again. I am out of my perscription that keeps me from getting sick from my heart medication and I have been throwing up. It costs $246 a month and without insurance there is no way I can afford it and I havent ben approved for the drug program that will supply it free yet. And to top it all off I could be losing my house. I got a payment behind while Kagan was sick and me ex legally has the right to kick me out. He put it in the divorce papers that I could leave the mortgage in his name until I could afford to have it put in mine as long as i made the payments on time. So I am expecting a call from him any day. He has been great about it but now he is trying to buy a new home and when they do a credit check I am going to be toast. So I need prayer emotionally... financially... spiritually... and prayer for my health. I have had a lot of chest pains today but I think it is just anxiety~!!

I PRAY it's only anxiety~!!! I wrote a letter to Kagan in my journal tonight and that helped a little bit. I used to write what and how I was feeling but now I actually write to him. I am going to try to write to him every day and see if I get better. I know I can't take many more night's like tonight or my heart won't hold out. I still haven't found out the results of my heart echo I had done in January. I had it done the week before Kagan went into the hospital and they called and asked me to call them while he was still there and I never did. I am a big chicken~!

My prayers are with you all.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan and I am so sorry"

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Dear Christy,

Take some deep breathes....there are peaks and valleys and your back in the valley right now....that is what happens to me constantly so I know what you are going thru. I have times like right now when I say I can't do this...I can't raise these kids on my own...I can't keep up with the bills...I can't maintain this house....I can't go on....But, you know what.... we can and we will......Everything I do I try to do is with purpose and dignity...just as if my husband was standing by my side and I hope that he would be so proud of me....and I know he is! Stop yourself and get into the moment and feel yourself breathe...try and take just this day on....try and managae the stress the best you can...Believe me I know what that is and we all do here...Your not alone.......Last week I was alone and screaming to god asking why did you take my husband,,,what did he do to deserve that, what did I do to deserve this, there were alot of why's...I will keep you in my thoughts today and I hope you will be able to feel the love and support coming your way.

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I started to post earlier but I hit the "clear" button and scramed outta here. I didn't have a good thing to say so I figured I better not say anything. It's my turn to have one of those days. :(

A little while ago I was in the local pharmacy to buy 2 birthday cards for friends. I thought I was all set and I looked up and "BAM!!!!" This whole section of Mother's Day stuff felt like it kicked me right in the face. I lost it. My knees got weak, I started to cry and I looked at this poor little old lady next to me and yelled "I NEED A HUG!!". . . . She obliged and also had a kleenex. . . . bonus.

I had no idea Erin was even on my mind, I didn't see it coming at all, it just whacked me out of the blue. Anyway, I had a good cry and now I feel a lot better. When I started to post earlier in the day, I was so negative I just opted to stay away. I don't like being negative, I want to fix my mind on all things lovely like Corinthians tells me to. . . but, oh yeah, I'm human.

That dirty five letter word "h-u-m-a-n" . . . sorry guys, I will snap out of this. The ebb and the flow. . . I'm ebbing I guess.

Love to Each of You,

Kitty

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Christy, if you need anything, let me know. I will do whatever I can. You have me worried about you, so if I can help, just ask. My e-mail is bassplayrz@yahoo.com. That's the one in the studio, and the puter is back up. I am sick to think there's someone who would do that to a grave. It really angers me, and they wouldn't like me angry (right Nikki). I wonder if the attendant did it while "mowing."

Laura, I'm praying for you. The rollercoaster of emotions likes to take its toll. Likewise, if you need to talk, try to hit the IM or e-mail at the studio. I'm not one for "normal" hours, but I can be reached (I still can't adjust to daylight before noon).

Kitty, here's an extra hug. If you need a spare shoulder to cry on, just yell. I'm not so sure of Mother's Day this year. I need to get something for my . . . daughter. This is so strange for me. I found out about her three years ago, found her last October: maybe I'll adjust to it. How's that song go, something about being too young to feel this old? (sigh). I will pray continuously for you. if you need anything, just ask. Do anything I can.

Today was red tape day for me and my wife. Trying to get into this rotation for an experimental treatment is a nightmare. We did it last year, and now have to restart the paperwork. I wonder who's behind that one? On the good side, today is the first in almost a week of her not screaming in pain. Maybe I can take a nap? We are down to her needing help about every hour, so my son and I were able to take care of some of the business this afternoon. Keep well, my friends, you are always in my prayers. Mark

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Kitty,

Wow....I feel so much better now....Thank you for your post. I feel like that alot about being negative and not wanting to post here because I don't want to bring the rest of you down. Soooooo, Lesson #1, We all have to be honest here no matter what it is that we are feeling so that we can "genuinely" help each other. It ain't pretty sometimes. And, it is not my nature to be like that so it is especially hard. That is probally true for all you guys too. Lesson #2, it is "o.k." to be angry....sometimes I am angry and sad all wrapped into one. And, anger is scarey for me...always was...took me alot of years to work thru that emotion (after I was overriden with quilt after my brother died in our house fire). It's o.k. and we are not "bitches" if we are angry...we are normal, strong, vulnerable and hurt people here...it is o.k. I just want you to know I cry each and every day...I don't think I will ever get over the loss of my husband....everywhere I go there is a reminder...little things/big things. We can't get away from any of it, so that is why way back in the beginning I decided that I would need to face every emotion I had in order to be able to work thru this pain...and I do. You keep crying if you have to...it's o.k. Be honest with everything and you will be better off in the long run....We are only human. God knows we are pure in our hearts even when we do sin cause we all do. It's o.k. Lesson #3, We are all here for one another and it is o.k.....

o.k

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Laura, congratulations on deciphering the code. By releasing our feelings to our friends, we can help each other heal from these insufferable losses.

My favorite way of dealing with my feelings is to hide in music and let it change the way I feel. Go ahead and yell at me if you wish. I have been on my own since I was a kid, and got into this groove on my own. Made some choices back then, and lived with them since. Well, the agents are calling, so I need to split. Keep us posted on how your doing, and we'll never stop praying for you. Mark

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MArk,

That's o.k...... You keep playing your music...it's your way of dealing...I think that is great and I'm sure your beautiful wife feels the same way...I'll bet she loves to listen to you.....Sweet dreams!

NIKKI...I have been thinking of you alot today and hoping your are doing alright....I know how much you have on your plate and it isn't easy...I will pray for you...You are a sweet girl and I know you work hard at all you do.

CHRISTY....you hang strong. ...take one day at a time...we love you!

KITTY.....I hope the rest of your day is going better....get a good night sleep...think of Kagan and ask him to help guide you into a peaceful sleep and come and spend some time with you.

Nitey Nite Everyone

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