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I Believe in God...


BreathofAngel

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My son Matthew died 2 months ago (ten weeks actually-I'm still counting by weeks). I believe in God and I know Matthew is in heaven. I talk to him all the time. I've had counselling with my minister. I'm not angry with God. I just keep asking myself "Why". I tell myself that it was God's time to take Matthew. That there was a purpose for this. Others say "God doesn't have a list of people that he's going to kill each day". I know I would feel better knowing that it was God's plan and not just a ramdom act on Matthew's part (he self medicated himself with a muscle relaxer) I know everyone has their own ideas on religion but I guess I was wondering if anyone els is confused about "Why".

BettyAnn

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slowlyhealing

BettyAnn,

I understand your question. I often wonder why also. Though I have never lost a child. I lost both of my parents. It hurts, and I'm past the anger but... I still don't understand why.

I often keep telling myself that God knew my mother was suffering and in her life she lived it as a story... one I will gladly tell anyone who is willing to listen. Our lifes though they may be so very short on this earth, reflects some of God's atmost love.

There was a purpose for your son being here on this earth, and there is a purpose why he was taken to heaven yet, you may not know it yet, but... I promise that Your testimony will touch someone else's life... maybe someone else who doesn't know God... And in that day... you *just might* be able to answer the question why... My thoughts and prayers are with you BettyAnn

I'm having a *rough day, you all... please be in prayer for me.

Love and prayers

Nikki

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Nikki, Thanks for the response. I'm sorry you weren't doing well. You will be in my prayers tonight. I didn't do well today at all, either. I cried on and off most of the day. I know in my heart and soul that there was a reason for taking Matthew at this time, just as there was a purpose why he took your parents at their time. It just hurts so much. If you ever need to communicate with anyone, or just babble about how you feel, please feel free to email me. People have always said I'm a good listener. Thanks for helping. It helps to know that others feel that God had a purpose. Somehow it eases the pain a little. You are in my prayers.

BettyAnn

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alwaysmyjennifer

Nikki, for the rough day, here's a bunch of hugs. I'm always praying for you. Rememeber that we need to pass through this pain of grief to get to the other side. luv ya'!

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Nikki,

You know it girl....I am praying for you. I know your are a hard little worker and I know you are working/struggling with your grief....God will not abandon you thru this.....

Maskott,

I still ask myself why. And, I don't think I will ever know the answer to that....not until I am reunited with myself husband again. I am angry with god and it has proven to me to be the lonliness time of my life because of it...I believe in god totally but and am "mad" right now. Why did my husband have to get sick, why did he have to "pass" so young, what did he/me do to deserve this kind of pain, why were my kids left suffering, why was the best man I have ever known taken from me, why am I being punished with this pain....the why's are so strong because be believed and lived totally by the "golden Rule"....and that is the part the really gets me....I think it is normal for this grieving process!

Mark,

I hope you all are hanging in there and a home health nurse if on her way to the rescue......Give Mary a kiss and hug from me and you all are in my prayers.

I know there are angels and we are all being watched and guided and our love ones are still with us!

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If no one minds an outsiders view, I'd like to express what I HAVE to believe.

I have to believe there is a God,

I have to believe I am not being punished,

I have to believe there is a reason, although I may never know what it is,

I have to believe that my body may be sick , but my soul will forever be,

I have to believe that when I close my eyes each night, I will awaken,whether

it is on this earth or in His Kingdom.

JD

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alwaysmyjennifer

Laura, you are a very dear lady, a special friend. Thank you for you compassion and kindness. I can't begin to thank you enough for all you have done for us, for me. I pray for you continuously, and for your precious children. This has been such a difficult journey for you. I know you will reach the end of the grieving in time, and you will be blessed for the path you've walked.

JD13yrs, I love what you wrote, and I don't think of you as an outsider. You believe, you are grieving, you are here. We welcome you, even though the thought of that has a cold feeling, for which I'm so deeply sorry. Please feel free to write whenever you wish.

Nikki, although the day was rough, the next day is just around the corner (but we've been going around so many corners now, we're dizzy). Rest well, my young one, and do your best for His honor when the day is new. love you.

Maskott, God is in control. We can't die without His consent, or should I say, His will. This is His creation, including us. I passionately hate that my daughter was raped and murdered, and I could spit on the slime who did this to my baby girl. But, I relent to the will of God, and know that He will mete out Divine judgment upon him in a way I could never do. I'm sorry that I can't tell you "why", only that we in time learn to accept that our world operates under the will of an eternal God Who thinks in a way we can't understand. If I confused you, please blame it on my homiletics professor in Seminary. hehehe. God bless you. I'm praying for you.

FOR ALL >>> We're leaving on Sunday for her treatment in hospital. It's a 300 mile one way drive, only about three hours in my truck. I am renting a car so she can ride in something softer on her back. I hope that stupid Mustang I rented can get out of its own way (I wanted a Vette - you all know I love my Vettes). She will be admitted Monday, and then have five days in CCU. We hope to be home Saturday night. I'll keep in touch though. Thanks for praying, and thanks for all your support. I love you all.

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Laura, thank you for your response. I guess it's comforting to know that others ask why even though they believe. I have to admit that this has brought me closer to God. I think, sometimes, that God knew this tragedy would bring my husband and myself closer to him and that is why he took Matthew. It has brought both of us closer but I ask "Couldn't you have found a different way to do this". Why did Matthew's life have to be cut short? I'm just rambling...and all I wanted to say was thank you and I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I think you responded to my daughter cursedlove114 and I appreciate that also.

BettyAnn

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I'm glad it helped a bit. And I understand grief all to well, the grief I'm experiencing right now is more or less for myself, if that's possible. It's a grief I've carried for 13 years and never shared. Now I know that by protecting myself I also lost myself. It's taken a long time for me to be able to realize all those things, and now I know that it's ok to be scared and it's ok to be mad, just don't ever lose faith, sometimes it's all we have.

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JD13YRS,

It must be some real painful stuff for you...I'm sorry! But, I can tell by your writing you are tough and will make it through. I was wounded badly by my loss and it is a very dark story so I hold it close. I lost the person I held near and dear in this world...the one I shared "EVERYTHING" with and I am having a difficult time without him after 34 years together! I go on for our children whom we both love to the core! I just have alot on my plate. God comforts those who grieve right? I wish I had supernatural powers so I could actually see my husband now to let me know he is happy....I hope he is but that would really help me. That or a bottle of something????Just kidding! Thank you for sharing and I will keep you and everyone in my heart thru my journey.

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Laura, I can't imagine the amount of pain you're experiencing, but it sounds as though he not only received love, but returned it as well, so how could he NOT be reaping the rewards of his time here on earth. It would be wonderful if there was some way that a loved one could assure us they are indeed happy and waiting for us to join them, but that wasn't in the contract. That's what faith is for and in time you will be able to smile and even laugh thinking of all the things that made you love him. I promise you that time will come, maybe not as soon as you'd like, but hang in, and don't lose sight of the grand picture. No one's journey is the same, but by keeping the faith alive inside us, the journey will lead to the same destination. And for whatever reason the arrival times differ, and some are left behind to wonder and question.

Bless you friend

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alwaysmyjennifer

Laura, would it help if I told you the Scripture, to be absent from our body is to be present with the Lord? I am so sure he is in Heaven, basking in the glory, enjoying the beauty, and having talks with God we can only dream of. He is well, and doing okay. Rest your dear heart. He still loves you like he always has. I know this too. Love is an always thing. May peace be with you.

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Laura, I am so sorry for your anguish. I do however, understand your wanting to see for yourself that your husband is happy. Since Matthew died, that has been a wish of mine. I know he's in heaven and therefore, he should be happy. I want to know for a fact that he's happy. When I talk to him, I ask that he just give me a sign that he's happy. Maybe I'm missing the signs-my mind hasnt been too sharp lately but I'm waiting and still asking. Our losses aren't the same but if you need to communicate with someone, I will be more than happy to help you. I think my email is attached but if not-it's byrde55@go.com. If you need to talk, I'll listen.

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I have noticied an amazing amount of support on each of these boards, and I wish I had known there was such a place to come to sooner. I have experienced losses, but I guess, somewhat selfishly, I never sought comfort or support from others until I found myself on the decline. I haven't always trusted the way God handled things, but I have always believed He would be here when I got through whatever emotional doubts and questions I was having. That belief is being tested once again, and although I can say He knows what He's doing, my mind is asking why He's doing it. So again I selfishly ask Him why.

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alwaysmyjennifer

jd13yrs, never be afraid to ask God why. He may not tell you what you want to hear, but He will always give you the best for your soul. I wasn't much for relying on anyone, since so many let me down. I gave up on my own family. God used my own hardships, many brought on by my addiction, to teach me to trust Him. He will never, ever leave you. He will never forsake you. You are His child, and He loves you. He calls us children for a reason. Our own children ask us why a million times before they're mature. Likewise, we'll ask this of God. It's okay. He wants you to act like a kid. Have a great nyt.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Laura, you are so right that God comforts those who are grieving. He may choose to use other people, a song, even your own memories. But all of our life experiences come together to ease the sorrow and comfort our hearts. May you have peace.

Thank you for all the kindness and comfort you have given to me lately. I appreciate it greatly. Mark

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Hi Everyone,

You all have me crying for all your beautiful support....Thank you! I will write back later...my head is booming today with a headache and I'm tied up with busy stuff!

I am struggling and very low but I know I'm strong and even though I am angry god will see me thru....It's the worst loss of my loss....Don't you all get tired of a lifetime of grieving....

Mark,

Your scripture means a lot and helps me tremendously. You are the one who remains strong for all of us and I hope I can give just half the support to help everyone else here.....Give your Mary a beautiful hug and kiss...she's knows your love just by looking in your eyes and always will. I know you all are heading for the hospital and I wish you all well.

I will write later when I feel better!

Bless you all.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Laura, I'm in tears at the thought of being able to cuddle with my wife again. The risks are way too high, but the thought of being able to sit and cuddle with my sweetie is keeping me going. This isn't a cure, just a temporary extension, but I'll take it. Even still, I find days when I'm stuck in grief like she's gone (especially like today when she can't maintain consciousness).

I'm praying for you, for your headache. Try to rest. Yes, I hate all this grieving too. We'll get through it someday. We're always here for you, whatever we can do to help you. Hope you feel well soon.

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slowlyhealing

Well after a not so good week of kind of feeling blue and I don't know the word but its another word for weak... I seem to almost be coming out of it.

Mark I do hope one day you get to cuddle with your wife again. She is one special woman.

Grieving is just the pits... but we all have to go through it. I went through it with my dad, though when he left... it was different... I went through it with mom, like Mark is going through it with Mary. Its a grief like she is gone, but they are still there, in body... and somewhere in there their spirit. My mom's body was just tired of... of everything she had to go through, and her soul screamed for the freedom that she so very much deserved. I'll meet her one day... and on that day I hope I can say I made her proud.

Life is like a race... but we being God's children... we all come in first place in his eyes. Although we really might have been in 350th place. Its those dumb hurdles that knock us down.

Just got to get back up on our feet again... even though it hurts.

Love and prayers

Linda's daughter

Nikki

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alwaysmyjennifer

Nikki, you are already making her so very proud of you. To hurt and miss her is okay, a natural part of this. To keep doing what you are while you grieve is something amazing. I'm surrounded by some pretty special ladies. Yes, my sweetie is special; she has to be to endure me. I'll always be here for you. luvz, hugz, that old guy in NY.

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alwaysmyjennifer

To all > > cardiology has approved my wife for the treatment in hospital. This answers many questions. It proves she didn't have a heart attack, but we now know that the dystrophy is effecting her heart, so we'll have to watch her closely next week. Add it to the list of things to watch. All in all, it looks better now for success. I'm not quite as worried. Thanks for all the prayers. luv y'all. Me.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Lucette, I'll try to behave, but it's just me in the big city. hehehe. Like old grandpa's gonna get into trouble. I'm going to stay in some luxo hotel about a block from the hospital, which makes my life easier. No driving for a week, kicking back in the jacuzzi, free room service. Can it get any better?

My thoughts and prayers will stay with you, and yes, I'll stay in touch.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Laura, thank you for sending me so much encouragement and hope. I appreciate all you have done for us. Stay well, and keep showering all that love on your children. By Friday, I'm going to enjoy hugging my wife again (without pains). Yes, I'm still nervous, but if she responds well, by Wednesday I'll settle down. One of us will keep you up to date on things. You're always in my prayers. ((hugs)), Me

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Hey, it's just me. My internet's been down and I've been sick. My grandma's in the hospital. We also had a little problem last night. my mother had had a message on the answering machine that Leo had left over a year ago. Last night she ally deleted it. That was right after we discovered that my grandma has a resistant strain of staph, and I've been exposed to it. I had to have a nasal culture done to see if I'm infected. We went last night, and we won't find anything out until monday. I don't know when I'll be able to post again, but I'll send a message through mark if I have a chance to get on my e-mail but don't have time to get on the forum. Pray for us!

Ashley

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Mark,

I am so thrilled for you guys....take care of yourself while Mary is getting the care she so deserves. Especially, take full benefits of room service! Wow...I could really get into that...I'm jealous! lol! Drive safe and god bless.

Nikki, I am glad you are feeling better....this is a windy road we are all on. Remember, we are all here for each other no-matter what. Send me your picture because it didn't go thru.

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alwaysmyjennifer

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go,

I'm standing here, Outside your door,

I hate to wake you up and say Good Bye.

But the dawn is breaking, surly morn,

The taxi's waiting, blow'n his horn.

Already I'm so lonesome I could die.

Don't ask why I'm sitting here playin' old John Denver songs. My band was more Kiss and Slade. Sorry Nikki, they were from that era before your birth. Thanks, kids, for all the prayers and encouragement. Now, I'm off to bed, I think (not, my son just walked in from his date).

Yes, I'll drive carefully. I have over 1.2 million safe miles. I plan to enjoy the room service (wonder if they can send it home with me). Mostly, I just want this week to be done, and to be home again with the woman I love. I'll keep in touch.

Ashley, take care. I'm praying for you and your grandma. He has you in His hands. I may not have my IM at its best, but leave a message, and I'll get it. I will be on my psycholaptop.

septemberspain, your screenname just ran my mind back home to Ottawa on the first week of September, walking through those leaves in the park with my ex (she wasn't then). That was a gorgeous place to call home. My body may be here, but my soul is always in Canada. Have a good week, and I'll talk in a few days.

love yall, Me

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lindasdaughter89

Hey you all, Its me nikki.

Mark wants you all to know that So far its going great and she is doing so well and if everthing keeps going like this it's going be really good.

So continue to pray and so will I

Love and prayers

Nikki

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lindasdaughter89

hey you all. Its me again. Just wanted to update you again.

Mary is doing very well with her treatment. Mark is very happy about that and hopes it continues.

With our prayers I know it can.

Hope you are all doing well... I'm doing okay. Things have hit another somewhat wall but... I'm tearing it down... even if its brick by brick.

Laura, how are you doing? I hope everything is okay.

Christy how are you... hope everything is alright with you :)

Remember God will see us all through

Love and prayers

Linda's daughter

Nikki

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alwaysmyjennifer

Hi, my dear friends! We dragged in about 4 this afternoon, tired and sick of being away from home, but happy to be together, and our kitty cats were going crazy when we finally got in the house. We'll know within a week how well the treatment actually went, as the hangover wears off. Shes in a real fog. Some things are difficult for me to deal with, but I'll get through it. I'm happy she's here and able to function so well with this step behind her. We still have a few more of these ahead, but at a lower dose, so she won't be quite as messed up from it. Thanks for all your prayers, and all your support. Without it, we'd never have made it through the week. Love you all! Us

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lindasdaughter89

First of all. Welcome back Mark.

Can you all be in prayer for me... i have a really bad feeling that this is going to be a really bumpy day.

God is good and gracious. I know he'll give me enough to handle, but not too much.

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Nikki...You got it....I'll keep you close as I always do......

Mark...Welcome back and so happy to hear things went well....you all needed some good news...as always in my heart and prayers.

I am hanging in there and very busy with things...you know...kids, games, halloween, cooking, cleaning, yard work, work, etc. etc. etc...You all get some rest.

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Alwaysmyjennifer,

I hope things will settle down now that you are back to the comfort of your home. You have been through so much...Just to let you know we are all here to support you for however long it takes you to get through this trying time.

Jeff

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alwaysmyjennifer

Laura, thank you for all the support and prayer and thoughtfulness. I'd most likely have gone totally off my rocker without all you've done. Thanks. Now, as busy as you have been, take the day off and go spoil yourself a little. You can use the special time for you.

I'll have a few hectic days ahead, as I get into rehab for my neurological illness, and keep on caring for my sweetie. We are all hoping for the best with that, so I can take the chance and maybe return to work.

I'll keep you up to date on us, which for now is a slow process of bringing her off a very high dose of ketamine. Can you say smoked? hehehe. Hopefully, I'll have her nursing in here by tomorrow.

Take care, and hugs for you. Me

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alwaysmyjennifer

Mattsdad, thanks for all the support. This is a long road, but we'll get there. I've been on this journey of life with her for two decades, and I'd go back and push the restart button in an instant. Even with this illness. Thank you. Mark

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alwaysmyjennifer

Nikki, there are no concrete answers to that question, "why?". We live by faith, not by sight. God is greater than the sum of all human fears. Rest in knowing you have one thing that no man can take from you, the gift. I love you. always praying for you sweetie.

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lindasdaughter89

Oh my goodness this week went by way too fast. It's my brothers birthday today! I can't believe that boy is 18 all ready. AHHH. how time flies. Well... Its a new day... a new breath... and we are getting through.

Lets see what is happening in this life... ummm just looking up more colleges to go to outside of HCC and hopefully God will lead me to one that can broaden this thing we call life. God got me through another week. Which is always a blessing.

One of my mom's good friends are coming down today. I am a bit nervous... cause we haven't truly spoken for a good year... about mom and situations and all. but... She's coming down... and I'm going to spend the night and have a all girls night... movie... cry... popcorn... talk... umm... ya I haven't had one of these for so long I forgot what you do.

I hope you all are doing okay... God will make the pain go away... He'll fill your life with happiness again. He has mine... although it hurts every once and a while... He'll pull us through. God will break the chains of grief and suffering.

Love and prayers

Nikki

Here's a song that has touched my heart this week.. maybe you heard it. It's sung by Selah.

In prisoners' chains

With bleeding stripes

Paul and Silas prayed that night

And in their pain began to sing

Their chains were loosed

And they were free

I bless Your Name

I bless Your Name

I give You honor, give You praise

You are the Life, the Truth, the Way

I bless Your Name

I bless Your Name

Some midnight hour

If you should find

You're in a prison in your mind

Reach out and praise

Defy those chains

And they will fall

In Jesus' Name

We bless Your Name

We bless Your Name

We give You honor, give You praise

You are the Life, the Truth, the Way

We bless Your Name

We bless Your Name

You are the Life, the Truth, the Way

We bless Your Name

We bless Your Name

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lindasdaughter89

Oh my goodness this week went by way too fast. It's my brothers birthday today! I can't believe that boy is 18 all ready. AHHH. how time flies. Well... Its a new day... a new breath... and we are getting through.

Lets see what is happening in this life... ummm just looking up more colleges to go to outside of HCC and hopefully God will lead me to one that can broaden this thing we call life. God got me through another week. Which is always a blessing.

One of my mom's good friends are coming down today. I am a bit nervous... cause we haven't truly spoken for a good year... about mom and situations and all. but... She's coming down... and I'm going to spend the night and have a all girls night... movie... cry... popcorn... talk... umm... ya I haven't had one of these for so long I forgot what you do.

I hope you all are doing okay... God will make the pain go away... He'll fill your life with happiness again. He has mine... although it hurts every once and a while... He'll pull us through. God will break the chains of grief and suffering.

Love and prayers

Nikki

Here's a song that has touched my heart this week.. maybe you heard it. It's sung by a group called Selah.

In prisoners' chains

With bleeding stripes

Paul and Silas prayed that night

And in their pain began to sing

Their chains were loosed

And they were free

I bless Your Name

I bless Your Name

I give You honor, give You praise

You are the Life, the Truth, the Way

I bless Your Name

I bless Your Name

Some midnight hour

If you should find

You're in a prison in your mind

Reach out and praise

Defy those chains

And they will fall

In Jesus' Name

We bless Your Name

We bless Your Name

We give You honor, give You praise

You are the Life, the Truth, the Way

We bless Your Name

We bless Your Name

You are the Life, the Truth, the Way

We bless Your Name

We bless Your Name

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lindasdaughter89

sorry I posted that twice.... i didn't know that was even possible... and i so didn't mean to do it. but there ... now you can read it twice.. and get double the pleasure I guess.

Love and prayers

Nikki

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alwaysmyjennifer

Don't be nervous about the visitor, Nikki. This is only a person you know. Be nervous about the fact that Jordan is now an adult. Please remind him of that little paper he needs to sign at the Post Office (the draft thing). I know that's a stressful thing, but it's the law. luv ya, Me

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alwaysmyjennifer

Renee, ain't it grand to be a Christian? When we lost our daughters, He was holding us. When we cried, He dried our tears. When the path seems like we can't take a single step on it, He carries us. It's great to have friends like you, who know this peace, even though our hearts are shattered by our losses. Hugs for ya!

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I received a sympathy card when my son died that really hit me hard. It's basically what you have been saying. A man sees two set of footprints walking through the sand. When he was having a hard time he saw only one set of footprints and asked why he was deserted at a time he needed help most. That's when God said "the reason you see one footprint is because that is when I was carrying you". I've paraphrased but I hope you get the idea. That card got me through those days at the beginning of this horrid ordeal and still keeps me going. I talked with my son the other day and he thought I was lucky in believing in God because it would make the pain easier. He, however, is very angry at God for taking away his brother. He knows so many friends that want to die, have tried to die and not...yet his brother who wanted to live, dies. He has finally agreed to counseling with a minister, so maybe something will happen. I believe....

BettyAnn

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Dear Maskott, did you know there is an updated version of that card that says something about the footsteps getting all crazy-like at the end? Anyway, when asked about those footprints the author added "That is where we danced". April loved to dance - can't think of a better partner for her.

Yes Mark, how do people survive without HIM?

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