I Believe in God...

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, sorry to hear that your patient isn't all that patient. Just tell him that pain is no excuse, and he still must honor and love his Mom. (listen to the king of mother dissers here, eh - lol.)

Thank you for the kind words, the encouragement. You had me in tears . . . again. I've been clean since 1980, but as bad an addict as I was, I still get to fight with it once in a while. I haven't used, but I'm always afraid.

Yes, we've had it pretty rough lately. Yesterday, she was showing symptoms of a TIA, and this morning, we were in hospital for a heart episode. I can handle grieving, and I'd rather go through the grief of her death than this endless hell. I just can't bear to see her in such pain all the time. (now I'm crying again).

Take care of yourself. You have your hands full too. I'm being paiged by a scream in pain again. Mark

[lauraa]

Mark,

Remember, no matter what the future hold...you, can honestly say that you and Mary have known what true love is...."soulmates". How many people do you know can really say that.....and you said for better and worse and sickness and in health and YOU MEANT IT! That is love and you are living it....life is messy but given all you have been thru in your life you have that one special person that will always be in your heart...believe me she will always be with you.......I know cause I feel my husband as if he is sitting right next to me....keep telling us how you feel as your plate is full and you are in the thick of things and we/I are all here for you, too! Bless you all.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, when I said "I do", I was given no warranty on what I was getting myself into. Had I known she'd be dying so soon, I still would have married her, had our children, and been the happiest man in the world. We won't be allowed to grow old with them, but we're so blessed to have loved them, and to be loved by them. Thanks for being here, someone I know I can trust. You're one of a kind. I'm always praying for you and your family. Maybe your patient will be more patient with nurse Mom today??? We can only hope.

Today, my sweetie isn't as bad, but very weak. She fell twice last night. I'm a little upset that she didn't use her wheelchair. grrr. She's so stubborn at times, trying to be independent, but then passes out or falls, needing my help. I'm still trying to adjust to her needs.

Take care of yourself, Laura.

[kagansmommy]

Laurra...Sorry to hear about your impatient patient. When my son got burned 2 weeks ago they had him on vicodin. He was impossible to live with. Luckily this time mom didn't have to deal with him much...his wife did. She called me every day asking if it was normal for him to act this way. I told her it was just the drugs and hang on for a bumpy ride. His burn's are fine now but something is going on in that boys head that he refuses to talk about. Two days ago he packed his clothes and said see ya, I can't do this anymore. He has 2 babies that need their daddy and a mother that can't handle losing another son. We haven't seen or heard a word from him so would everyone please pray for him and his safe return. If anything happens to him I'm gone. That will be the push that sends me right over the edge so please pray~!!

Mark...I will be praying for Mary. I know it is hard watching her go thru this pain. But it doesn't hold a candle to grief. I tell myself all the time that Kagan is in a better place with no more pain. But that is my baby and I want him back.

Peter and I both have a sinus infection and of course mine settled in my lungs which turned into bronchitis. I have coughed so hard that I have pulled muscles in my stomach and back. I feel like someone beat the dog poop out of me. Why does it seem like everything goes down the drain all at the same time. I am ready for some smooth sailing for a change.

Take care everyone~! Luv and prayers to you all~!!

Christy

"I LOVE YOU KAGAN~!!"

[lauraa]

Christy,

I hear ya! And, I will be praying for you, your son and his family and as always "your little Kagan". I think sometimes we all need to get away...try and not think the worst here and just give him the space he is asking for unless of course he gave other indications that more was going on.

I think we should all here on this board have a specific time everyday that we pray for one another and perhaps it would be most powerful...Let's all talk about that.

Have a good night!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Christy! I'll keep you and your boy in prayer. Is he telling you cryptic things, or just not talking to you too? Silence is brutal. I know you have a billion thoughts running through your head over him, and some of my questions you've already asked. You're very wise, so go with your instincts. Hey! Didn't you tell me that once? How's Tif holding up through all this? If there's anything we can do, just ask. You know how to get me, day or night. I'm sorry you two had to manage getting ill.

Laura, I will give you credit for the best idea. Just tell what works for everyone else, and I'm in. My schedule is so wide open, I can do just about anybody's schedule, although I do like to go to bed about 5 am. lol.

Here's to tonight, kids. I want a little sleep. My sweetie has had a few bad nights, and I'm tired. Last night, she fell twice. It just don't quit. I keep the faith. God will get us through this somehow. I may not like it, but He's always doing the best for His children. Laura, Christy, Kitty, Ashley, Nikki, God loves His little girls. Have a beautiful night's rest. til then, Mark

[slowlyhealing]

Stressful day, can't go into much detail... well I'd rather not go into to much detail, other than its a stressful day. Okay... now that I let that out.

How are you all? I haven't been on for a while, but I wanted to give you all an update on my family.

Mom has been gone for 2 months now... and it already seems like forever. I miss her so much, but I also have the peace of knowing I'll be able to see her again!!!!!

I think some kind of bug is going around here, cause lately I've just not felt good, and I think Jordan has caught some of it too, cause he's complaining about not feeling all that great either.

The boys have adjusted well at my aunt and uncle's house, and so have I.... it was hard the first couple of weeks, but... as people say... GIVE IT TIME. I am working now at a deli in town. it's not the job I was truly looking for, but you know what God blessed me with it, and I have met a lot of new people.

Um.... lets see what else... uhh... The boys are doing alright in school. I pray that God grants Justin with some good friends, I know how it is when you are the outcast in school.... and being through what he has, well he needs at least one good friend. Jordan is in band this year and he is doing well. Grades are staying up.

my brother's birthday was yesterday, JUSTIN that is. He is now 16! AHHHHH! God please please help us. (Of course He will) Jordan will be turning 18 here in a bit. Awww my baby brothers are all growing up to fast.

As for me? Well school is so so this semester. My brain seems as though its frying. I have statistics and I am sooooooo not good at math, but I need to take it. Please pray for me and this class. I'm about to loose my mind. I'm studying the material and still I am not doing well on the test or quizzes. hummm.... Other than that class... school seems to be doing alright. I think... maybe... yea it's doing alright. I am slowly building up my courage to look at other colleges far away, like California, or New York, or somewhere out of KY. Who knows where God is going to lead me. I have a good four months to decide yet, and until then I'll work on getting this associates degree and money so I can actually survive out there.

Well that is pretty much it. I think... my brain is a bit slow this afternoon, but it will slowly catch up.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND KEEP YOU ALL SAFE IN HIS ARMS!!!!!!!

Love and prayers

Nikki

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Nikki, be patient with school. The degree will be in your ahnds soon. You're the best of sisters, you know. Your brothers are so special, so blessed to have you. Take care of yourselves with the bug. Lots of vitamin C. I'm always praying for you, for you all. love ya, Mark

[write365]

Hey, guys. Sorry I haven't been able to post, and I won't be able to post for a while. I have sooooo much going on. homecoming's next week, so...I have to build a float, do a field show for band, decorate a hall for spanish club, march in the parade, and i'm in band, jazz band and choir. I'm sooo tired. I almost never get on the internet. I'm also swamped with homework. Don't worry about me! I'll just keep going until I burnout!

ashley

[lauraa]

Nikki girl,

You are the best! Keep working hard and just don't give up...I hate math, too! When I took a foreign language it was Math...lol! It makes no sense at all to me. I am so glad you guys are adjusting and your brothers are doing good...I think of you all the time.....

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Ashley, you sound like you're doing too much, like a normal teenager. Go for it! But, please be a kid, too. I finally found the pics of my old Vette, so I'll send one to you. It's not the H2 Hummer, but still pretty fast.

Laura, Math wasn't too bad, it's when we got into calulus that I started frying circuits. I was in a private school with a no calculator policy. We took a lot of things home. lol. I keep you in prayer, and your son. By now, he must be feeling a little better.

We get to take my sweetie to a heart specialist now (what next?). Her doc found out something and starting getting nervous, so we need to get this new symptom checked out. May I wake up now>? I figure if I can just wake up, it's all going to be better. I'm out of here for the day. I need to go to me Dad's for the morning to work on his truck.

I'm praying for you all, with love and hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Another long weekend. We took my wife to the doc and she's worried about her having a heart attack. It looks too much like she's trying to have one. So, not much sleep. I had to go out to the mall for a minute, and ended up crying in the parking lot. Bad day. Well, most days are so bad, that she's begging God to take her, to end this agony. God had to show me I can make it, and stay clean doing it. Thanks Laura, for all you did that means so much to me. I know I have more of these days in hell coming, but I feel a little better. I make no pretense to understand God's will in this, I know it's just my part to follow.

I'm praying for each of you, for you Laura and your son, for the peace and comfort and guidance we all need. hugs and love, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Okay kids. Today some good news. We received the call from the hospital for inpatient ketamine for my wife. She's going in for ten to fourteen days of it. The diffculty is she's had a stroke, so this increases the possibility of a fatal situation developing. We have many things to consider, but it's a step in the right direction. She's having delusions, so we are considering inpatient care for that too. Just add it to the list.

[lauraa]

Mark,

I am in prayer for Mary, you and your dear family....When you are feeling alone and terrified remember your friends here are with you...keep praying yourself....take one minute at a time and keep yourself grounded...you can do it my friend...breathe! Bless you guys!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Just a second, during ads on the tube. It's good to have T home. I guess I can now relax a little and have fun being Dad. She's like having my own silly self here, and it's so cool. How can I be so blessed? Laura, to a friend always ready with a smile, kindness, or correction, I think you. Take care of you tonight, and have may your children bless you as much as mine bless me. nyt to all.

[slowlyhealing]

Okay... how is everyone? What blessings have God brought to your lives this week. Just want to make sure everyone is still somewhat breathing.

I on the other hand want to bang my head against a wall... its just one of those day.

It was two days ago when I had a ummm I guess it would be called a melt down. Yes... I do believe. It was the first time in a while that I cried that hard. Can't say it felt good afterwards, and I'm still trying to sort out what way is up, and what way is down... but I'm getting there. With God by myside I'm sure I'll find my way soon.

Well I must go. Prayers to you all

Nikki

[willow34]

This is long...but I need help.

I used to believe in God, until my father killed himself on Mach 16, 2005. He was 65 years old. He was everything to me. If that wasn't bad enough, the night before he told me he was going back into the hospital the next day. His illness had come back and my sister and I were trying to get him back in. He tried to koll himself before in 2002. I should have been happy he was going back in. But instead of supporting him, I made out like I didn't care about him anymore, That we went through all this twice before and I was tired of it. I talked about if he made out a will because that was our inheritance. I made out like the house was more important than he was. Keep in mind that this was my best friend in the world, we did everything together. I have been living in L.A and he was back in New York. But I called him everyday. I thought that would be enough. So I know I made him feel even worse then he was already feeling, his own son and best friend was abandoning him. And then I got so upset that I said to him, "why don't you just end it all, it's not like you haven't tried it before." Can you imagine this? I was just so frustrated. All I wanted was for him to be happy and healthy. Twelve hours later he hung himself. I know in my heart that my words made him want to do this. That he felt he was too much of a burden to us. How am I supposed to get on with my life? I lost everything. The guilt that I feel over what I said is eating me alive. He was my life. I was going to move home eventually to be near him. Now my future is gone. People tell me that it wasn't my fault, that at least the conversation didn't end like that. That I did support him in his decision and tried to make him feel better. I even called him back and ordered him his favorite pizza, and he sounded fine, like nothing happened. The last thing I said to him was," have a beautiful night's sleep and I will talk to you tommorow." I am only 34, and if all this isn't bad enough, my precious mother died 5 years ago at the age of 57. Do you know how rare it is for a 34 year not to have at least one parent? It is almost unheard of. I am so lonely and the only thing I want to do is just die. I pray that if there is a God to please take me so I can be with my family. I missed out on at least twenty years with them. With the holidays coming up, I am constantly feeling sick to my stomach. I miss my dad so much. I lost my job, my friends and even my relationship with my sister. I blame her as much as I blame myself, she lived only a couple hours away and she should have been there for him.

So, believe in God. I used to, I used to thank him for everything. Not anymore, I am alone in this world. I look around, and I see parents with their children, and I get sick, because I don't have that anymore. I get angry that my friends still have their parents. Why don't I have mine? If there is a God, how could he let this happen to my little family. I went through enough with my mother, but not my dad, not like this.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Willow34, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of both of your parents. I understand you feel guilt for some of what you said, but I doubt it had anything to do with his decision to take his own life. Please try to gain a little comfort from this. When we have a parent or loved one who is seriously ill, our emotions are in such a turmoil, we so easily say things, things we don't mean, that we later regret them. These things have little or no effect on the life or death of the one we lost. You showed your love and care by making sure his final matters of his will were in order. Try to see it like a seriously ill person would. They see it as looking out for the future, not being greedy. By calling him daily, you showed only your love as his child. Rest in this.

Your anger is a natural expression of your grief. grief takes us through many emotions, like anger, depression, emptiness, sadness, sometimes even happiness. These all come and go, and some people see them happen as a cyclic event, happening regularly like the moon phase.

You're young, and maybe you feel a little like I did when I was a kid in foster care. It was lonely, and I felt lost. I have trouble with holidays. But I learned to take them on my terms, and it helps a little. In time, you'll find what works for you.

Please feel free to write. It is by opening ourselves and talking and writing that we release the pain, release the feelings that hold us in our pain. There are many people here who are willing to help. My thoughts and prayers for peace and comfort rest with you, Mark

[slowlyhealing]

This is long...but I need help.

I used to believe in God, until my father killed himself on Mach 16, 2005. He was 65 years old. He was everything to me. If that wasn't bad enough, the night before he told me he was going back into the hospital the next day. His illness had come back and my sister and I were trying to get him back in. He tried to koll himself before in 2002. I should have been happy he was going back in. But instead of supporting him, I made out like I didn't care about him anymore, That we went through all this twice before and I was tired of it. I talked about if he made out a will because that was our inheritance. I made out like the house was more important than he was. Keep in mind that this was my best friend in the world, we did everything together. I have been living in L.A and he was back in New York. But I called him everyday. I thought that would be enough. So I know I made him feel even worse then he was already feeling, his own son and best friend was abandoning him. And then I got so upset that I said to him, "why don't you just end it all, it's not like you haven't tried it before." Can you imagine this? I was just so frustrated. All I wanted was for him to be happy and healthy. Twelve hours later he hung himself. I know in my heart that my words made him want to do this. That he felt he was too much of a burden to us. How am I supposed to get on with my life? I lost everything. The guilt that I feel over what I said is eating me alive. He was my life. I was going to move home eventually to be near him. Now my future is gone. People tell me that it wasn't my fault, that at least the conversation didn't end like that. That I did support him in his decision and tried to make him feel better. I even called him back and ordered him his favorite pizza, and he sounded fine, like nothing happened. The last thing I said to him was," have a beautiful night's sleep and I will talk to you tommorow." I am only 34, and if all this isn't bad enough, my precious mother died 5 years ago at the age of 57. Do you know how rare it is for a 34 year not to have at least one parent? It is almost unheard of. I am so lonely and the only thing I want to do is just die. I pray that if there is a God to please take me so I can be with my family. I missed out on at least twenty years with them. With the holidays coming up, I am constantly feeling sick to my stomach. I miss my dad so much. I lost my job, my friends and even my relationship with my sister. I blame her as much as I blame myself, she lived only a couple hours away and she should have been there for him.

So, believe in God. I used to, I used to thank him for everything. Not anymore, I am alone in this world. I look around, and I see parents with their children, and I get sick, because I don't have that anymore. I get angry that my friends still have their parents. Why don't I have mine? If there is a God, how could he let this happen to my little family. I went through enough with my mother, but not my dad, not like this.

Willow34,

I do understand your feelings of being alone. I understand the feeling of blaming yourself. I am only 20 years old and I have neither a mother or a father. My father left us when I was seventeen and then my mom just past away this July. There are times where I blame myself for both of the losses. I blame myself for loosing my dad, for if I had only known sooner... I could have stopped it. (even though I was only seventeen... I don't think it was possible.) but that is how I feel sometimes.

In these past two days I've been through alot... It all started with an argument, but thoughts and feelings quickly flooded my mind.

I was so very angry... I was angry at myself... and I was really upset at God. After all the years I prayed that God would take me away. He never said yes to me... but them mom got sick. I never asked for her to die... I asked for me, I don't understand why, still even today. I wonder why. My mother was a wonderful person, and I don't think I can even try to measure up to the person she was. Why would God keep me here? Why?

I don't know if I'll ever find out why, but God has his reasons... even if I may never know. I miss my mother so very much... and I wish I could have given more into our relationship and take care of her better, I would make sure she never felt like a burden... though I know at times I must have made her seem like it... I wish I could turn back time to be with her again... even if it means its one of her bad days... but I can't... I have to live. I have to live in the present. Times I hate myself for knowing that I must go on, but then again... I know my mom... I know that even though I may have been a little brat at times, she loved me no matter what, and she dreamed of a future for me. A future with the one who she introduced me too. The one she taught me about through out the years... And I know one day... it may not be soon, but... one day I will be able to see her again up in heaven. With the Utmost High, and I will be able to feel the love again in my life.

I can't say we come from the same background... I don't think there is anyone who can ever tell you how to feel...

but I know God is still there with you, in you even if you don't want to feel him... He is still there. I know... for I'm going through the same trial. He won't leave. You can scream at Him and you can cry, and he won't leave, and if you need anyone to talk to this is a good message board to ask questions or just open up the feelings that you want to hide inside.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

Linda's daughter,

Nikki

[lauraa]

Dear Willow,

You need to close your eyes and just talk to your dear dad. Tell him how you feel and tell him you are sorry. You and your dad both know how very much you both loved each other. That is the whole truth! Nobody can take away your soul! Nobody can tell you how you feel. It is a terrible thing that happened but my dear it is NOT your fault! Tell him how sorry you are because he knows you and he knows you didn't mean it....and just keep telling him how much you love him and hold him close...because, he is closer to you than you own heart! He is not angry at you and where he is there is only love. He is watching over you with great love and is with you guiding you thru this. You will receive gifts in the oddest ways and when least expected so just keep your heart and mind open. Remember, "we grieve as deep as we loved" so you know it won't be easy.....We all here can add our confessions of things we feel we shouldn't of said or done but the truth is the stress can over take us at times. Youy need to forgive yourself. Your are only human! And, in your heart you know everything was out of love even if sometimes it didn't appear that way. I know the road you are on...it's bumpy, messy, lonely, scarey, depressing and much more! Stay here with us and we will lift each other as we travel this road.....Just tell your dad your sorry and how much you love him.....He knows!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Good to see you Nikki. God shapes our character into His image by the things we endure here. He loves you no matter what. I know your heart, the heart of a righteous young lady. Rest in His love. Talk soon. luv ya, Me

[lauraa]

Slowlyhealing,

I love you! Somehow I feel so connected to you...you have such a spirit! God put you with your mom so she could lead you to him....You could not prevent your dad from his ways....that was not your responsibility! You have been thru alot in your young life....Sometimes, we can't see the reasons why but we have to have faith and now all of us here are being challenged with our faith. It's difficult when we are faced with anger and depression which turns into such profound saddness.....You have inspired me and encouraged me when I was down in so many ways with your kind and loving spirit. Let us all help you get thru this. I feel as if I am on a rollercoaster constantly and can only really take one day at a time...I hope with each new day you gain strength but I also want you to acknowledge what you are feeling and know it is all part of this grieving process and so normal.....as much as we all hate it.....What doesn't kill us will make us stronger. Your dear mom is in heaven....no more pain or sorrow and she is walking again and the happiest ever......waiting for the day when you will meet again....she just paved the way for you! But, you have much to do while here on earth and along time to do it....and your mom will be with you cheering your every move....Stay with us so we can all help each other.....Your not alone!

[lauraa]

Mark,

I hope you are doing o.k. and Mary is better! I am quite sure your heart is breaking little by little! The love of your life! (2 Corinthians 4:17-18) You amaze me everytime I read your post.....I will send loving and prayerful thoughts your way with hopes that your entire family will find some peace. Rest your mind and let peace in! Nyt!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, you're priceless. My heart sounds more like a bull ride in a china shop. My headache is like a dump truck smashing through a fire alarm factory (thanks Pat McManus). We were hit with the reality that we may need to consider a nursing home. "Stop the world and let me off. I'm so tired of going round and round." You know the song. Truthfully, as painful as it is, a nursing home may be for her best. She needs constant care I cant give. I need to face my limits as a . . . human. Rats! I had to let on that I'm not Superman. My daughter and I had to go out this morning to talk about her delusions, and how much worse they are now. As painful as this is, I'm okay with the nursing home. I want her to have the best care, and I can no longer give it. Her hospital trip wasn't a heart attack, but the dystrophy now moving into her heart, still serious, but not like a heart attack. Not yet anyway. I hate roller coasters. Would you hit the stop button, please? Thanks for the prayer and the Scripture. You are such a dear friend through all this. May you have the best of days. ((hugs))

[slowlyhealing]

Laura,

You are priceless much like Mark pointed out.

You are doing very well yourself and yes though we have bad days God is with us through it all. Even if we don't feel him all the time. God will still be there.

My day is going a little bit better. God will bring me back, and give me hope again.

I must go and study... ehhh.

Oh well.

Love and prayers,

Linda's Daughter,

Nikki

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Nikki, there's a promise from God. He will never leave you, nor forsake you. Hold on to the never changing hand, and let Him lead you to where His will is perfect. Your heart is sweet, your spirit sincere. Never let anyone change that. Luv ya! ((hugs))

[stellaanne]

willow34

i just read your post about your relationship with your Dad...

I know you have regrets for not living closer to him but as far as the things you said to him in frustration...let it go...

Really, my Mom and I were best best friends and there were times that I would say some pretty strange things to her in anger...and guess why??...because i knew she was the ONLY person who i could talk to like that and she would still talk to me 2 hours later...then I'd say 'wanna grab a bite to eat?'...'she'd say yeah you wanna go?'

It sounds as though you had that type of relationship with your dad as well and believe me he KNEW that's why you said stupid things sometimes to him...because you could do it and get away with it...because when two people are that close everything comes out sometimes...it means there's SO MUCH between you that it's unbreakable...believe me, it DiD Not cause him to do what he did.

I feel what you feel as well...i want to die...many times i feel that i would like to do it or pray and hope that i get some type of disease and it's quick.

Then I think of how awesome my Mom was and think jeez...I have to live to carry on her legacy...she only has sons other than me...I have to carry the torch of that neat lady...

I feel terrible for you in the sense of the way you lost your dad and I really think you should seek counseling. A big thing for you to do would be to think of the positive things about him and celebrate what made him everything he was to you...talk about how great he was to whoever is around and if no one is around tell us!!!....and here's something I like to do....talk to his picture..

tell him EVERYTHING you wish you could say right now to him...how much you miss him...how great a dad he was to you ...and what you wish you would have done different at the end...

I find talking to my Mom's picture so much better than talking to her in my mind.

I was lucky to have had the time I had with my Mom at the end...but I believe for people who didn't get the chance to say those things I said...it STILL has to be said...so say it...

[computermemaw2]

Mark, my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry it's getting worse for Mary. Whenever I start feeling so down and sorry for myself, I find myself reading your posts and somehow they tend to make me stop and pull myself up a bit. You and so many others here have such faith and courage--it sometimes makes me ashamed of myself. I wish I had your faith. Mary is so very lucky to have you in her life! Although I'm at a point in my grieving process where I'm kind of stuck in a rut and am doubting everything I ever believed in, I still have retained just enough of that faith to say a prayer for you and Mary. I'm trying so very hard to remember the saying "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it." and to believe it. Gayle

[slowlyhealing]

Hello everyone.

Please pray for Mark and his family. Mark had to take Mary to the hospital last night. Mary isn't doing well, and Mark is having a really hard time trying to care for her by himself.

Thanks

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you, everyone. Without the strength and courage you dend me, I'd be deeply sunk by now.

Nikki, here's a few extra hugs. Whatever this is, it's in her heart, and maybe including her lungs. We won't know the test results until morning.

Gayle, it only takes faith the size of a mustard seed (soooo tiny) to move mountains and change lives. I never think I'm some great person, but a guy who takes that little bit and lets it do what it can. No more, no less. I've read your posts through the last while, and I want you to know my thoughts and prayers are always with you. Mark

[lauraa]

Mark,

I'm with ya here! Keep breathing and stay in the moment...it helps! Hollar if you need help....don't know what I can do but I am a great listener.....God is with you and your family!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, you've been doing more for me and my family than I could even begin to tell you. If I try to throw it into one word, I'd have to say, hope. Right now, I have no idea what's going on, except all these wires and tubes. We won't know much until tomorrow. I do know the dystrophy is in her heart, and that's serious. She's so weak, that she fell 7 times yesterday before we could get her to hospital. Thank you for all you are doing, with all of my heart. You're more than a great listener, you're a great friend. I'll write when I know what's up with the tests, or if something is out of whack. (((hugs))), me

[slowlyhealing]

Mark,

You hang in there. Know that we are all praying for you.

Laura,

your a great friend.

For the rest of you hang in there. Times may be dark and scary but God will surely see us through

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi everyone. The cardiologist talked to me tonight, and here's what I know. 2+2=5. Sorry, Nikki, but I had to be silly. Too much stress. The dystrophy is in fact now in my wife's heart. They are quite sure it's also in her lungs, but have no way of testing lung tissue for it yet (well, not in a pleasant way). They gave her nitro this evening, which helped dramatically for about half an hour, then began a slow taper back to what we know for her normal condition. More tests are on tap, and I'll tell you more tomorrow night. Thank you all for praying.

Nikki, I always love talking to you. Thank you for all you are in Him. (((hugs))). luv ya!

Laura, I'll write to you when I'm not so tired. I knew this would get stressful, but not like this. Thanks for being you. Good night. Moi

[slowlyhealing]

oooo thanks Mark. Though I am pretty sure that 2+2= 22... Yes I'm sure. Do know that we are all thinking of you and surely praying.

Well lately... things have been going okay. I still have bad days, which well is to be expected. I am so excited about going to California. I praise God he has opened that door, and possibly maybe one day I'm going to be a California girl.

I'm still having a rocky journey on trying to restore my relationship with the most awesome Father. I am no longer angry at Him... which is a huge big jump for the grieving journey, Now I just need to get back on that right road and though I know the bumps are a bit bigger on that road, I know God will see us through.

Can't always take the interstate to get where your going in this life, sometimes its the dirt roads that lead you home.

Is that a song? if not... it should be. mark... that's your department. Make a song.

Well I must Praise God for this great day that he has given us... though yes we may be in a bit of emotional and maybe physical pain... He still has given us breath to praise him.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this beautiful day, please keep the light in it for a little longer, so that we may not have to feel lonely. Please be with us, and keep us close. Know our heart and know that we love you, even in the darkest of times where... the anger and the pain seems to control us. Help us to make the right decisions today, and guide us and protect us through out the rest of this week.

Amen

Well you all have a good rest of the week,

Love and prayers

Linda's daughter,

Nikki

[lauraa]

Mark,

Try and rest the best you can...even if it is sitting quietly with Mary and just closing your eyes in a meditative state. I am so sorry you all are having to go thru this pain. I know the fear and pain you all are feeling.....I have you all in my thoughts and prayers. Breathe!

Nikki,

Dear sweet girl.....god has a plan for you! Your to special to not do something really beautiful with your life...remember, who your teacher was and who still looks over you from above! I know this bumpy road you talk about. It is normal to feel angry at the "big Kahuna"...I think! That's makes my road even bumpier....it's a relationship for me that needs to be renewed as lots of times I just don't understand why the "good pass young"....You are always in my prayers. California sounds good......If you ever head to the Northeast you better look me up and you'll have a place to stay for free. Bless you and your family.

[slowlyhealing]

Laura,

You're such a sweet person. I know God has blessings for you that you don't even know about yet, and they are going to be big too. He'll give us all the peace we need. Relationships all need work and yeah... sometimes we get upset and angry, and sometimes we draw away and get hurt, but God will never hurt us, and though we sometimes think we can't handle the load He gives us, he gives us people like you and Mark and Kitty and all the others out there... to lift us back up onto our feet, and dust us off. He'll give us spiritual bandaids to fix the wounds.

I understand the question why do the ones that believe and the ones that help others so much pass away so young... but then again... in my heart I feel that I know. Its a hard question to explain and there are not enough hours in this day for me to even try to start where I get my faith and answers from... God will fill in the blanks when the times come. And even though the public thinks we need to know it all, believe it or not... we don't... I'm learning that from my statistic class, which I'll never be able to remember probably one single thing I've tried to cram in my brain from that class. God will give us the knowledge in His time, until then... I'll be the clueless brunete (not spelled right, oh well) chick over yonder.

Praise God for the everday miricles, whether it be just a simple smile, or watching the sun rise.

Love and prayers

Nikki

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Nicole! You are not clueless, young lady! Must I wash out your mouth with soap for speaking like that? lol You're not just pretty, you have the brains to go with it. So there. I'm telling Tina. As much a I freak about California, it's okay for you to be a California girl, but NO Beach Boys. Their music is soooooo not like Noddy Holder(oh, do a google search and find out). If you get to North Hollywood, you may see NRG studios, where I worked a session once. It's getting to sound like a real issue for you with all us inviting you to Head East. Holiday dinners are open, and your sis will be back in about a month. She's all worried about her step mom. What's the old man to do? <laughing> Now, go have fun. I'm praying for you. love ya!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, today was actually fun. We sat together with Cracker Jacks, watching a movie, and playing with that stupid toy in the box of Cracker Jack. Fun is wherever when we're in love. I know one word you wrote all too well now - fear. This has taken its toll on me. I don't want to see what's ahead, but it's inevitible. They gave my sweetie O2 and nitro, and it helps some. Tomorrow will be more tests. They are talking about letting her come home, but only when we get nursing and O2 in our home. Just what I need, more people bugging me when I'm recording. lol Tonight, I'm feeling the loneliness of my home. I never realized that my parakeet snored. It's so quiet in here; too quiet. I need some music. In God, our weakness is turned to power. Have a sweet night's rest. hugs, Me

[lauraa]

Mark,

You hang in there, dude! I am glad Mary is getting some relief which also means you are getting rest. I am sure that helps her to not feel like a burden. I think from experience that in home nursing would be a god send for you all. I was very apprehensive in the beginning with that but once it started and I established a rapport with the nurses aide it was a gift even if it was just for a couple of hours in the a.m. My husband truthfully got great personal hygiene care which was much better than I gave him because of everything I was being pulled to do. I actually in the end had a full ICU in my family taking care of him which was 24/7. Oh, I miss him with every fiber of my being. He was in my heart and soul. Still is!

You all have a great nyt and rest.

Nikki.....keep looking at the white light!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thanks for being the dear lady and friend you are. You touch so many lives here in beautiful ways. Last night was bad. She had a problem with ehr heart so bad, the nurse was ordered to call me. As soon as my ID picked up the hospital number, not the room, I went ballistic. This morning, she's still pretty bad. Her left leg is a dark purple and she can't move it. I'm wondering if she had another TIA. As soon as I pour a gallon of coffee into myself, I'm going to hit the road. They all want me there.

Lord, just get me through this.

[lauraa]

Mark,

We are here for you...In prayers!

[slowlyhealing]

Mark,

you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Well... in about 24 hours I will be heading for the airport, and I'm a bit nervous. This is a step in my life I never thought I would take, at least not until I was through with college, but... The college over in California is supposed to be a really good one. Maybe who knows I can start a new over there. God knows what I need, and He will provide if this is what He has in his plans for my life. If not... I'll just keep looking. I just know that I can't stay in this small town for much longer. I mean I love my aunt and uncle and my brothers more than I love life itself, but... I know my brothers are safe in my aunt and uncle's care, my brother Jordan is moving on and going to be off to college soon, and Justin seems to be doing alright in my uncle and aunts care. So maybe just possibly it will be okay if I move on too.

Sometimes its hard though... cause you look back and think about all the I "should haves" and "if onlys" and you don't truly try to move on. You can't change the past... as much as you want to, but.. you can learn from it and move on to the future... that's my goal... right now. Is to move on to the future. Sometimes I think its wrong to try, but then again I know my mom would smack me upside the head and practically push me out the door. She wouldn't want me to hold on to broken dreams and the past... Plus God is opening so many doors.

Praise God for his almighty power and love that helps me get through the day.

Well I must go.

Mark do know that we are praying for you and Mary and your boys and Tina and the rest of your family

Nikki

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Nikki, you know what my heart is feeling. Chase your dreams until they're reality. When someone told me I could be a star, I laughed. Two years later, we were with the Eagles. Don't move on. Go to where He leads you. When He plants you, grow. Unless it's His will, don't move one step. I know what you need, and why. My blessings are with you. I pray every day for you. I'm proud of you, sweetheart. I love you.

[aprilsmom]

oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh baby; since I can't post on the "I don't believe in God thread" and that last post ticked me off---let's all PRAY FOR THAT PERSON RRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL HARD, ok?

[aprilsmom]

I mean the last post under "I Don't Believe", not Mark, he's right on!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

It's okay, buddy! I've been called worse than a heretic before. ha ha ha ha! I agree completely with you. Those who don't believe are blinded, lest they see, and believe, and the blessings from God! Nuf preachin'! It's Sunday.

My wife is back in hospital. The doc held her ekg, and kept asking if she's had a heart attack before. I know ekg's have the "fingerprint" if one has happened. Honestly, I have no idea what's going on at this point. I'm taking my new book, "God Knows You're Grieving." It's worth getting. I'll let you know more tonight. a bientot. a tout a l'heure!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Here's today's update. The docs in their useless "wisdom" sent my wife home again. Her dystrophy has done the "quad thing" and created a little added weight gain, like it bugs me. One of the ijit docs was so rude to her about it, she was in tears by the time I got to hospital this morning. I can't believe they call this "professionalism." I told them I'd rather take her home and go without sleep caring for her than let them mistreat the most beautiful woman in the world.

Laura, thank you for being so supportive. I'd never have made it this far without your encouragement. Many things are weighing upon you, but God will never abandon you during this time of need. He knows you hurt, how you feel, and why. His promise is that He will never abandon you. During your time of need, He will be with you constantly. I pray for you always, so you may have peace and comfort.

[butterfly10954]

Doctors can be so insensitive. They become jaded I guess as a defense mechanism not to feel too much. But in my opinion, if you don't feel, you shouldn't do this work. Having been in the field of helping others, I know you have to try to avoid becoming involved, but that doesn't mean you mistreat your patients, or treat them like a number. I am so sorry, can you find other docs to care for your wife? So much for bedside manners.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Good morning, butterfly. Thank you. I see no reason for a doctor to be so rude. My wife's regular doctor is a sweet young lady, almost as young as my daughter, but when she's in hospital, we're stuck with what's on the floor (in so many ways). I thought compassion was part of the reason to get into that line of work, not the money. I guess bedside manners are for TV.

Right now, we're sitting home, resting. We have a few things to deal with, but the best part is that her doctor has written the order for skilled nursing. This will give me a couple more hours of sleep. I'm happy for this, and for someone to help keep her away from trouble. She gets hurt so easily, and falls constantly. But, will she use her wheelchair? She's as stubborn as her hubbie. hehehe.

Have a great day, kids. hugs4all, luvz, Me