I Believe in God...

[lauraa]

Mark:

I hope all is well with you and your gang. Never a dull moment on my end. Everyday is an adventure to say the least. I think my kids are all in a better place. Boy, I am trying so hard to make things right for them all.....they are really terrific kids and citizens. I hope my buddy up above approves of all I am doing. One thing I have to say is single woman get taken advantage of in so many ways. Unbelievable....I mean house repairs, cars, etc.....

Lots of things happening here on so many fronts...but good.

I know you all had alot of changes happening. I hope everyone is content in all their endeavors. Give my love to your Mary.

The weather here has been so crazy. I cannot believe it is almost July.

You all take care and know you are in my heart and prayers daily.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Flanagan, I'm sorry for all you're going through. I hope you find this a place of comfort and hope. Our prayers are with you and yours. To introduce myself, I'm dad of Jennifer, a precious and very beautiful 21 year old who was taken from this world far too soon. I hang out here cuz this is the greatest bunch of people in the world, all of whom share the best of support when it's needed. My wife is still with me, but her health is a continuous decline, a painful illness that will eventually take her from me. Take each day as it happens, and through your journey of grieving, don't try to plan too much - at least until you are comfortable with such. We all find that moment by moment is a plan well followed at first. Do take care of yourself, and give yourself time and space to grieve. Be patient with the process. We're here for you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Laura, Whew! It's been a long "spring" so far, eh? At this rate, our summer up this way may end up bringing us a monsoon. hehehe. I've been out straight with all the little details here. Still, I'm very happy for all that's transpiring this year. My prayer is that Momma stays with us to see it all. Truthfully, I sunk into a deep depression in May on Jenni's day. I miss her so very much. On May 22, while out with the band, I went into a little shop down in the Apple where I saw a figurine of an angel holding a little girl. The woman in the shop saw my tears and asked about it, so I told her about Jenni while buying that angel. I'm trying to spend more time away as things start shaping up for me to get back into my career. Last time I wrote to you here, I mentioned some things that I'd email about. Sorry. I was fighting that depression and sadness over Jenni. We do have some stuff to let you in on about Nikki. Til then, my prayers and thoughts are forever with you and your children. I'd give anything to let them get through this journey without all the painful issues involved. You're a great mom to them, and they're blessed to call you Mom. Take care of yourself, my friend. hugs, luvz, Me-Jenni's dad.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Claudia, As sorry as I am that you must partake of this painful journey, I'm thankful for you and the comfort you share with so many. We may not always understand why God leads us through such, but we always know that He does have something great for each of us. I am always praying for your ministry, for you both and all you are doing for our Lord. It's a great joy to know you through here. Our summer season is so far going okay, but momma did have another stroke two weeks ago. She isn't doing well, kinda like she's about to have another stroke. The doctors are monitoring all of it closely. Take care of yourself, my friend. Prayers and hugs, Me.

[sidvis]

Today I want to express my gratitude to God for all He has given me. My grief journey has deepened my faith and I am so grateful that has happened. God is good to me. I know there are others who are just starting their journey and are very angry with God. I want them to know that is okay. God can take all your anger and bitterness. He knows your pain. He knows your suffering. He loves you, don't give up. He will still be there on the other side of this grief. Peace to all.

[kagansmommy]

Saturday, July 7th is Kagan's 4th Birthday!! The pain is already starting to tear at my heart.

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[hmtod73]

hello everyone. could someone give me some advise on a difficult issue for me?? last night i was at a birthday party for my father-in-law. we had a nice time but during the corse of the evening the hostest started to explain how she met one of the guests (now her employee). she started out by saying that a friend of hers told her that he knows someone who is in need of a job BUT he is AFRICAN. she said, oh no i'm not interested. he said, well, this AFRICAN is a CHRISTIAN. she said, ok i'll talk with him. she said that she decided to hire him only after she was convinced he really was a christian and guess what, this man was a member of the same church that she attends and she did not even know it.

here is my problem. this is not the first time i have witnessed this type of reaction from this person. i also know several others who are friends with this person who act/respond the same way. WHY???? i try so hard to accept people for who they are and i try not to pre judge people for whatever reason. i am not perfect but i try to work on this. all these people claim to be christians. it is to the extreme. why do they act like this?? i have a lady friend that is 95 yrs old (and is mentally there) and she told me you should not have to constantly profess that you are a christian to be a christian.

i was brought up in the catholic faith. i have not practiced for 14 yrs but i do have a personal, spiritual relationship. i am comfortable with the way i am handling my beliefs and practices. i have never claimed to be a christian and by the way these people act it turns me off.

is it just me?? am i making a big deal out of nothing?? this really bothers me and i want to find a way to deal with it better than i am.

i am currently going to school to be a bereavement specialist and i know i will encounter different situations that i will have to have an open mind about and a certain level of tolerance/acceptance for. how do i handle/deal with this type of situation?? any advise would be great. thanks.

[jackiewitter]

Hi hmtod73. I was quite moved by your comments. I rarely post here but do read frequently. I have always been taught that the word Christian means Christ-like. Like the sayings going around not too long ago "WWJD" what would Jesus do? I am kind of thinking that Jesus would have hired the person inspite of their ethnic background, don't you. I find it very frustrating that people act in that manner and have no actual concept of what it means to be a Christian, or maybe they just forgot. Of all things that I have learned since the death of my brother, it has been tolerance. Even in traffic or grocery stores, when people are ugly, I try so hard not to judge because I don't know what is going on in their life. I thank you for the reminder to always remember that may be watching me and I don't want my actions or thoughts to be disheartening to others. I admire your chioce as a bereavement specialist; wish I could have found one earlier. Good luck with that. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[mofirefly]

Hmtod73 - I liked what your 95 year old friend said about a person shouldn't have to profess they are Christian - and I agree with Jeffreyssister that being a Christian means to be ChristLike. I have also hear a phrase that our lives should be as an open Bible because our lives may be the only Bible some people ever get to see. Unfortunately there are so very many different kinds of people on this earth and since we were created with a free will, some people can come up with their own way of being a Christian...which means we do have to be tolerance of others (even when there are times we want to slap them silly). Since you are going to a bereavement school - reading the posts on these boards should give you a great deal of insight to how others react to the loss of a loved one. Take care!

[4everjoeysmom]

I believe it largely depends on the situation in terms of what measure of judgement is used. In the case of considering an employee, simply seeing credentials and referances should suffice, and not necessarily whether or not they are Christian, unless the job being applied for is in ministry. I am an evangelical Christian and a full time missionary. For me I profess my christianity openly because I am called to the Great Commission of the Scriptures which means to go and tell others about Jesus. However, how can we be witnesses for Christ to others if we build a wall between those that believe and those that don't? I know a lot of people like that. Unfortunately it's that kind of Christianity that make people say "no thanks". On the other hand, I run a missionary and ministry guesthouse. I would not open it for random public use, even though we could make much more money by doing so, because I don't want to deal with issues like unmarried and homosexual couples, alcohol and inmappropriate activity on the premesis and so on. I know that's controversial, but I also know I have a responsibility to run it for ministry only and in a Biblical manner, which does not include that kind of activity. So, in this case I must use wise. Again I believe it depends very much upon the situation. Jesus was tolerant in many ways, but not at all tolerant of sin. Jesus was NOT politically correct as we define it today, and there is so much misperception about Him regarding this simply because folks don't read the Bible to find out who the REAL Jesus was and is. That doesn't mean as a Christian that we should walk in attack mode toward everyone that doesn't hold a Jesus-worldview. For me it means foremost honoring the Lord in my actions, words and deeds, loving people with the kind of love Jesus exhibited and still exhibits, and doing all I can to live my life as a shining example of Him in front of others. There are times right for judgement and times not, and how I define when and where that time is and should be is by looking at the examples Jesus has given in the Scriptures--however so often viewed as intolerant when Christians follow Christ as THE example, simply because many don't fully know who Christ is. It's tremendously ironic!

[hmtod73]

hello everyone. thank you so much for your responses.

to jeffreyssister---yes, i would like to think in that situation what would jesus do. i would like to think that he would not be judgemental and hire the man because he is a hard worker, in need of a job and as far as any of us know he is a good person. how do i learn tolerance?? what do i need to do to be able to be tolerant of others? i don't know how to do that, but i want to learn.

to mofirefly---free will, yes. i guess that does play a big part in things. i do believe that everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions about everything. i just need to find a way that i can be able to deal with something that i don't agree with in a professional manner and also a manner that does not leave me extremely angry inside. yes, reading these posts has helped me in many ways. my mom died in feb 2004 and i found this group later that year. i usually read and only occasionally post. i am a relatively quiet person. this is a wonderful place to be with wonderful people. i usually feel better after i visit this site.

to 4everjoeysmom---yes, building a wall between those who believe and those that don't, to me, is not acting in a christian manner and it does make me want to say no thanks. i do understand your view w/ the guesthouse and not allowing just anyone in. could you explain to me what the guesthouse is and how it operates?? i am not familiar.

thanks again for everyone's help and if you feel like you want to reply more, i will be ready to listen.

[4everjoeysmom]

hmtod73, It's actually more than a guesthouse. It's a mission and ministry retreat center. We host short term mission groups that want to come and stay in our area and do outreach projects. We also help to coordinate and facilitate ministry and church retreats, conferences and seminars at our faclity for pastors, leaders, married couples, youth ministries--just about any kind of ministry and outreach you can imagine. Just a few weeks ago we assisted a team with instaling water filtration systems in homes in the jungles of Ecuador, and this week we are hosting a medical team that is providing a free clinic in a very poor Quito area. It varies vastly.

How do you learn tolerance? That is a very hard questions. It differes for everyone based on straength and weaknesses with many virtues--like patience to name one. Perhaps it isn't so much tolerance that you need to focus on, because in a way "tolerance" is so widely used to mean anything goes and we must accept it. Perhaps compassion and patience are more what is needed. I know lots of clinical people that miss those two ingredients and it diesn't matter how much they know, if they can't express patience and compassion along with their clinical wisdom it doesn't seem to be much good. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to accept everything with regards to patients and what they are bringing to your couch. It may be more that you have to learn to be objective rather than tolerant so that you can gently guide your patients clinically, with compassion, patience and grace, and check your coat of personal opinions at the door when you go to work. Does that make sense?

[kagansmommy]

Happy 4th Birthday Kagan!! Mommy and Daddy loves you very much!!

[bbarbie55]

Hi!

Is it normal to start pulling away from people and my church? I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I feel like everyone was just being nice to me because my daughter died. I can't laugh like they do I have trouble going places she went. I even have thought if only she could of been here today. My son in law has found a live in girl friend after a short time and now I can't go to his house because my daughter was so proud of her home. She took me to see it in sleet and freezing rain. I miss her so much and nobody else seems to.

Now my health isn't good I now have a lung infection and I just don't care. I think maybe God will take me home with my daughter. Is this normal? I can't pay for therapist so I'm trying to be a good christian and get on with my life. Thats a joke I have to take pills to sleep so I don't think about her at night. Do these feelings ever go away I don't feel like a good christian now.

Deb

[rodless]

Deb, Yes it's normal to pull away from church for awhile. Familiar things can cause painful memories. And yes those feelings will go away at some time. God understands when we doubt and hurt and are angry. I don't think there's any such thing as being a good or bad Christian...the main thing is to keep believing and God will bring you through. I have gone through a dry harsh time from March until now from grief and discouragment. I fully expect that God has forgiven me for shutting him out for awhile and is welcoming back with a gentle and patient love knowing I had to sort some stuff out. I had to realize again that I cannot do it on my own... tough for someone who likes to be in control. Take care and remember all those here are praying for you. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Kagans mommy.... thinking of you on a difficult day. Today is the one year mark of my husband's death and somehow today (maybe just for today) I am at peace knowing his suffering is over. All the hoopla over 7/7/07 is hard to take when it is such a sad marker for us. Mary Jo

[kagansmommy]

Thank you for the kind words Mary Jo. It turned out to be a pretty pleasant day. We found out that we are going to be grandparents again. Quite a birthday present I think.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[lauraa]

Hey:

How are all my friends doing? It has been so quiet here. I know there have been alot of tough anniversaries for everyone here, including me. We are all in different stages at different times I am sure....You are all with daily and in my heart and prayers.

[mofirefly]

Has anyone heard from Mark (Alwaysmyjennifer) - I've been off more than on the boards of late and I have missed his words of comfort. I know he is very busy taking care of his beloved wife and his ministry and I know that God is supporting him. I pray that he is doing well himself.

[4everjoeysmom]

I've been watching for Mark too. he's been absent a while. I've been thinking of him and his family and praying, hoping to see him online soon as well. MARK--YOU ARE MISSED!!

[kagansmommy]

Mark emailed me a couple days ago. He's busy and stressed but okay. I think we all get caught up in the day to day garbage and time gets away from us.

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[jackiewitter]

Christy,

Thank you for the update on Mark. I have always found him to be uplifting. May God bless you all and hold you close. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[kagansmommy]

Jackie, you are very welcome. It's good how we all worry about each other here. It is so comforting to know that someone out there is thinking about you.

Mark, I will email you back...I PROMISE!! I have so much to tell you and not enough time to sit down and write it. I know you, of all people, will understand.

My love, hugs, and prayers to you all.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[jackiewitter]

Christy,

It's amazing, I am surrounded by 4 children, two grandchildren and a husband, yet when my brother first passed away I felt so terribly alone. I know now when that feeling starts creeping in, I run here as fast as I can. I come to my friends that understand and I come for the ones who are just beginning and feel so lost as well. I know that God had a hand in putting this site together, nothing could possibly work so well without His blessings. I hope all goes well with you. It's been a long and tough year, but through His grace I have learned to go on and lean on friends. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone!! I have a pregnancy update. My daughter-in-law went to the doctor today. They did an ultrasound and it's TWINS!! Their kids are 2 & 3 with twins on the way!! Lord help us all!! I am very excited though!

Love and prayers to you all!!

Christy

"I love you Kagan"

[jackiewitter]

Christy

I am so very happy for you and your family. My grandson was born 2 weeks before my brother died and while deep in the turmoil brought on by the grief, baby Jack served as a constant reminder of the goodness that our God brings into this world. There were days that I was so angry at God and at the situation, then Audrey would bring that precious baby over and I was just humbled at the blessings that He had given me. I will always associate my grandson with the death of my brother, but not in a negative way. I view him as a gift he Lord gave me to hold on to and believe in until I can be with my brother again. God bless you and your family. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone:

Congratulations Christy! That is wonderful news. What a gift. I'll bet you are a wonderful grammie. I know your little Kagan is right there with you always.

Today is my wedding anniversary....I miss him so, so much. We would have been married for 31 years....I was robbed! I pray he is in the most glorious place imaginable.

You are all in my prayers, Always.

Hey, Where is Mr. Mark? Let us know your o.k. buddy.

[rodless]

Christy, a new baby is always such a promise from God of hope...and to have two to look forward to must be a special joy. I pray they will be a source of comfort in the loss of your baby.

Laura, I read your memory on the other board and I feel your pain. I only had 13 years with my husband and I know how much I miss him. It must be so much harder after a longer time. Peace to you (as much as possible) you go through this day.

[Tmystic]

To all:

I lost my wife two weeks and two days after we were married in the Roman Catholic Church. If you wanted to talk about an angry, scared, and confused young man, I was it. If I let myself go back to that day and the night she died, my voice still catches; but I can talk about it now; but it has been 24 years now, and a lot of work.

For a time, after our wedding and the funeral so soon afterwards, I would try to go to church. I would end up crying during Holy Mass. I would turn around and leave. People would see me leave in tears. It got to the point where I would go to the church when I hoped no one would be there. The tears would come, and I could not make them stop. I was worried one of the church staff would see me. One time, one of the nuns did see me, and she did try to comfort me in her own way. She gave me a book of the Psalms that I still have to this day.

Eventually though, I could no longer go inside the church. So, I did the next best thing. I would go for long walks to the local park, and I would end up at the church parking lot, and the tears would come. I do not remember anymore how long I had done this.

I do remember seeking help, and I remember having not to rush into things to quickly. I could not put things back the way they were, but I could not move forward to quickly either. If I did, it seemed that I would have to go back, and move at a slower pace. I prayed for the assistance of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross which I received. I also read the very moving and touching books of Stephen Levine on the subjects of life, dying and the transition to death. He was also very helpful to me. I will be forever grateful to Elisabeth and Stephen for their assistance and the gifts they gave me.

What is the point of this? I too, struggled with God; and I have a hard time when people get in my face about what I believe. I don’t like it because it stirs up old wounds that are mixed with grief, and my wounds are not open for discussion unless I choose to discuss them, and so it is with you.

We are all on the same path, and perhaps we see our reflection in each others’ eyes.

In peace,

Thomas

-

[lauraa]

Thomas:

I feel as if I could have written this. I still cannot go to church. That does not mean I don't believe in god. God is in my heart and I am really angry with him and he knows it. I like you, go to my own special places to find piece. I do have a spiritual church I go to when I can and I love it. God knows how we struggle and I trust he won't abandon us as he knows the pain we suffer. He knows our hearts are pure. I still don't understand why and I remain on a rollercoaster with all my emotions and feelings. I also don't share my inner feelings with many, only the ones who really care and listen otherwise, it is me, myself and I. I also cry when I am in church and don't think I could get through a mass without falling completely to pieces.

Keep writing to all of us here because we all know the pain you have and we all lift one another. Bless you!

Mark: Where are you? Please write us so we know you are alright. How is your Mary doing? Always in my prayers.

Rodless: Thanks for supporting me. It is very hard that we were together for our entire lives. Someone recently said to me, "at least you had that relationship and time together".....I said, that I was thankful for it but it did not make things any easier. I don't care how long the time was that we had with someone but I think it is how deeply and profoundly we loved that makes it so difficult. How could anyone tell us how to feel when they have never felt that kind of love? Many have not and I think that is why we are so isolated and feeling alone because most people can not relate to us.

Peace to all my friends here.....with love.

[rodless]

I too struggle with church. I don't cry or anything, just wonder why it is supposed to be so much better than doing other things that boost faith and bring comfort such as reading, listening to music or spending time outside in God's world. Sometimes it seems so artificial and I really get disgusted with the squabbles over stupid stuff like what color to upholster the pews. I go through the motions at church but quiet prayer and meditation time with journaling is what I look forward to. I know God understands even if people don't. Mary Jo

[lauraa]

I agree. I spent way to many years dealing with the catholic guilt. Came to a place when I had to unload all of that. I came to realize that god is in my heart and leads me. He is my conscience and direct. He leads me to where I need to be each and everyday. That is even if I need to stay in bed. I think now he wants me to be isolated and alone...there is a reason! I find my church in my garden, driving alone, with my kids, etc. What's that sayings, don't talk about sex, politics or religion.......we all have to find peace where we can and in our own way. I especially have had a difficult time after the scandal with the church and all the abuse...it so infuriates me and has made me not trust it.

[Tmystic]

Lauraa,

I thank you for your response. Lauraa, I wish I could explain better how much I and my wife were given before we were married, after we were married, and even more after her death. I would have to go into great detail about who I am, who we were, etc. My wife's death turned "my concepts of the world" upside down. I know no one is really ever prepared for such a loss. I was very sad and inconsolable and very scared, and very angry.

I am saying that it was/is okay to be angry with God, and it is. It is more difficult now to be "angry" with God than it used to be. People have their own spiritual questions. Because people are a bit unsure of the “answers” they receive, people generally have a need to be “right.” As we know, there is no “right way” to walk the grief path.

As I told you before, I sought professional help. I learned meditation/relaxation practices, and yes, I do use those words interchangably and on purpose because we in the "West" are still quite uncomfortable with the term "meditation." I also sought answers to my questions.

I began to read many varied and different books that were helpful to me. Many of the books were about spirituality generally or meditation. It is "different" now. I don't know how else to describe it. Perhaps I have read too much, but I don't think so. My spirituality has changed some how. I still self-identify as a Roman Catholic. My relationship with Our Lady has had something to do with that. She remained, and still remains, accessible to me when other parts were or are too scary and fearful for me. I know however my beliefs about God have changed and expanded in some way as I was ready and able to explore these concepts and issues. It is important to move as one feels ready and able and not before.

Laura, I have discussed the need for seeking help and spirituality because they are important. It is my hope that these posts help and assist and touch others in some form or fashion.

Blessings,

Thomas

[lauraa]

Yes your post do help and I agree with everything you are saying. I also would have to go into great detail of the before, during and after for you to understand our story. I think we all have a story of how it was. It is so difficult to grieve as you well know. I will never be the same and I know there will always be a huge hole in my heart. I lost everything that we worked our entire lives for on top of loosing him. I do know one thing and I know for sure that I have to make a huge right for all the wrong that was done to us (in a good way) or else I would have a very difficult time going forward.

I consider myself a spiritual person as well and I did alot of reading, especially the first year after my husbands passing...helped me alot. I also am going for counseling which helps me tremendously, not to mention my therapist has been widowed twice. I feel like she really understands what I am going through. Lots of friends are gone (one a huge surprise) but I guess it is true that we "don't know who our real friends are until something like this happens"....so hurtful and something else to grieve...wow, what a friend, huh? I do alot of self talk and I talk alot with my husband. I know what he would say or do in most situations. I just miss him and everything we had together. I just cannot get him out of my head. My kids are what keep me grounded and I know he would want me to take really good care of them and he would want me to be happy. I deserve an academy award...only my therapist knows for sure!

Thanks for listening.

[Tmystic]

Laura,

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them. Grief is so different on so many different levels. Last year, in July we lost my father after a long bout with combined obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). It was difficult to watch him go through that, but nothing compares to the fear, isolation and loneliness that I felt and still sometimes feel when it comes to the issue and the death of my wife.

It is funny that you mention friends. I lost friends too. I should put it more accurately than that. After a while, they did not know what to say, and neither did I; so either I or they found it easier just to stop coming by. It makes grief all the more difficult to cope and to deal with because no one knows what to say. I wish I knew then what I know now. It would have made things easier to talk about, and I would have known what to say and how to protect myself and my feelings a little bit better. I felt like I was in a dark room bumping into things all the time.

Today it is cloudy out and it looks like it could rain. I also woke up with a migraine headache which also did not help matters any.

With the eternal gentleness,

Thomas

[lauraa]

Thomas:

I am sorry for the loss of your dad. I also lost my dad, mom and husband within six months of each other. But, I agree that the loss of a spouse is so very difficult...so much that I truely haven't had a chance to grieve my parents. It takes so many years I think...

In the beginning I learned very quickly that I needed to protect myself from the world so I got strategic with placing and timing myself wherever I went. Or, it was just easier for me to stay home. I felt protected there and safe to feel whatever I needed to feel. I got real tired of people give their unsolicited opinion of how I should grieve and get on with things....mostly from people who haven't had a loss like I did....I needed to honor my feelings the way I needed and for the first time in my life I did it my way....or I don't think I would have survived. I still have to take it one day at a time or I can spiral down quickly. I think we all suffer from PTSD from all the stress of watching our loved ones suffer so and taking care of them which was a 24/7 job...done willing but just same it changed the dynamics of the entire family. My kids have all three handled things so differently which is very interesting but I know they all need to grieve their own way and in their own time (I have three kids).

Sorry you have a migrane today...I know what those are. REST!

Thanks for all the support.

Anyone hear from our dear friend Mark?

[Tmystic]

Laura,

When you are ready to deal with the subjects of God and/or religion, they are not the same thing, treat yourself with extreme gentleness and kindness.

Thomas

[lauraa]

Thomas:

Thank you....I have come to realize that I need to do that. I know god is with me and supporting me through all of this. My views of most things that are institutionalized seems to be corrupt these days. So I go it mostly alone and in my own way. I also know my loved one are close by and supporting me with all the tough decisions I have to make.

Peace to you and all my buddies here.

[gramma]

God has been with me too...For me there is no getting on in my life without my daughter except sensng the divine.

I used to give intellectual assent to much that's been said and written, til' I began to experience the pain of deep loss first hand.

One thing I am grateful for is that my God also embraces the nurturing and care of a loving mother during these times of loss.

Others may not understand completely, but usually do have good intentions when doing their best to help or support, yet if I am too overwhelmed to be gracious, the loving mother side of God comes through and helps me absorb the intended help and love offered.....

I'm often aware of my daughter in spirit beside me, and when a prayer is answered, I know she is working on my behalf and assisting in my needs. What love that is, and I'm grateful!

Don't get me wrong..I would love her back with us in this life, but am slowly opening up to the awareness of her presence that will never leave again....

Gramma Martha

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone:

I can see this forum and all my friends have been missing for awhile. I think of you all often. I know it is a living hell here with all the stress of daily life on top of grieving.

All of you are always in my heart and I pray god sustains you and everyone you love.

I miss you guys.

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Laura, I'm not sure where everyone's gone to these days, but I hope it's a good thing when they aren't here--as in healing, restoration and the like. I float around here and there on BI, but don't post as much as I used to. I am in a quiter phase of grief now, I suppose. About a month ago I decided that my official "mourning" was over after hitting my year mark of losing Joey on July 31st. I have few days now where I am breathless and overwhelmed like I was in the beginning, but the tears and missing still flow like a river, and I suppose that will always be on this side of heaven. I am tryng to look to the eternal and not so much on this temporary existence here and that does seem to help. I've wondered often how Mark is doing and keep him and his family in my prayers. I miss seeing him here. It's been so long... Anyway, I just wanted to post and say hi. Hope you are doing well and hanging on with God's grace. Hugs and love, Claudia

[mofirefly]

Claudia - I came on tonight and noticed that this forum had a new date - I too have missed the entries that use to show up here and hope that those who posted have simply gotten caught up in the everyday events of the force we refer to as life. My short term memory is non existant, but I was wondering if your husband is still stateside working on his situation, or if he has returned to the mission field. Just had a weird thought - perhaps those of us who have posted so much in the past are now moving on in order to make room for the many more souls who will come upon these boards and find the comfort we have found in the past as there can't possibly be room here for the many, many hurting people out there. Hope you are doing well. Take care OK!

[4everjoeysmom]

MoFireFly, Thanks for your note. My husband is still stateside, not to due to return here until the end of themonth--hopefully not longer. I'm hanging in there, but it's hard being here with him gone so long. Things are still ironing out there, but the kids are good and SO happy he's there. Thanks for asking. It's good to see you here too. Love, Claudia

[lauraa]

Hey Claudia:

Thank you for responding to me. I also miss everyone writing and hope all is well. I know the up's and down's of this grieving. I also know how abrupt it can hit us without warning or just having the buildup of emotions until I just have to release the pressure....usually through tears. I tire very easily and sometimes it is very difficult to even get through reading post at times let alone write...so, I totally understand when folks are gone for awhile....it could be sheer exhaustion/PTSD (which is what I have) and I sure others do as well.

You all are in my heart daily. It has been over three years for me and I am still grieving deeping. It will never go away completely and I will forever carry the pain but I am learning with each new day. I also try to think of the day we will be reunited again and that helps.

I am so sorry we all have to be here.

I am also sad today for all the families who lost loved one on 9/11.....I feel their pain so deeply. I think we all feel like we lost them, too!

I pray that god sustains all of you and gives peace and comfort to you and your families.

I also think the changing of seasons plays a huge factor in how we feel. Also, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. I can't seem to get my husband out of my head....I can see his eyes as if he were here with me. I know exactly what he would say about anything. I hear his voice. I hold his picture in my arms when I go to bed at night. He was such a HUGE part of me...I'm lost in this world without him. One day at a time.

I hope everyone here finds peace, love and understanding if just for a moment.

Love to you all.

[4everjoeysmom]

Laura, I am so familiar with that roller coaster. My healing has really begin in the past few months, and for that i am so grateful, but it will always be hard facing that void, that empty place here in earth where Joey stood so familiar and mine. I have his picture hanging on my badroom wall, facing my side of the bed, and I have his blankets on my bed, and his silverware in my kitchen drawer, and many other little things here and there. While they are no concelation, they are tangible where he no longer is. But like you, when I think of the eternal and where he is, and that I will be reunited with him some day, I find comfort in that. It's this missing that is so hard. I'm so sorry you are so lonely and lost without your husband. That speaks volumes about how special he is and will forever be. There isn't enough water in the oceans or earth and sky that can take away that sorrowful missing and longing. I know. I'm so glad God is bigger than all of these, because in Him is the only place I am truly consoled and comforted, and through His messengers like you. I too pray for you and hope you can hang onto that brighter eternal hope that shines more powerfully than that of any hurt that runs deep. Let Him be your strength and you rportion. Love and Hugs, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Hi friends, I was just wondering if anyone else had a rough day yesterday. It was probably because of 9-11, I am not sure but yesterday both myself and a young girl that I worked with struggled all day. Just a cold sadness over the place. Then again some days are just lonely like that. I am dealing with my son's departure for Iraq as well, just said goodbye to him on Monday. I pray and I pray but still sometimes the darkness seems all around. My father used to sing old old songs (mostly sad) and I try to fall back on them, my mother was a hymn person. I always said that when she got to heaven I was sure that God gave her a beautiful voice, because she really didn't have on here on earth. Oh how I wish I could hear that voice now.

Has anyone heard from Mark? It's been way too long. I have been praying for him and his wife for a long time and more fervently since I have not seen him post. If anyone has heard from him would you please update us.

I just feel so tired this week. Maybe more energy next week, there's a tropical depression brewing in the Gulf right now (Humberto) that may bring some excitement; but probably not the kind we want. I am starting to ramble now. Just wanted to check in and see how everyone was. Prayers and warm thoughts for all of you.

Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Lauraa,

How selfish of me. I am so sorry that you too were having a bad day yesterday. Perhaps it is the changing of seasons. I always loved the summer, but it seems this year has been a very long one. It's so hot here and I am just ready for something new. That's why the tropical depression wise crack! I know what I want, that is to be with my Mom, Dad & brother, but that cannot happen yet. Not sure what He has in store for me, but I have to believe that He needs me here for something. I continue to pray and seek.

I hope that you find the coming weekend in better spirits. I know it is so very hard. My prayers are with you.

Peace and blessings,

Jackie

[lauraa]

Jackie:

Yes, I felt really down and sad on 9/11. To watch all the families grieving is so awful. It will be with us forever in our hearts.

Changing of the seasons is hard because it symbolizes another change for us "without them".

Hope all is well today!

[jackiewitter]

Lauraa

I used to love the start of a new season because it meant change, but you are right, it's just another change without them and it is very hard to get excited. I found myself getting excited about a tropical storm that was headed our way, only to turn into a hurricane that did devastating damage to an area about 40 miles east of us. Isn't that horrible. I just want something beside this dull ache. I know that God will lead me to healing and I am sure that at some point he wants me to get off my lazy duff and try to find my energy and joy again, create my own excitement again. I should probably pray harder for that.

Also on grieving, I find myself in two very opposite places, at times I am so in tune to someone else’s pain, almost to a point of being over-board in my emotions and I have an unrealistic grief for someone I don't know....or I am totally indifferent, consumed only by myself and my pain. Isn't that so bizarre. It's like there are two different Jackie's and one comes out when the other goes in.

My prayers and thoughts are with you as well as everyone here. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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