How to help my grieving mother

[nieserhonker]

I lost my dad a year ago today. Some days are worse for me than others. The real problem is that I don't know how to help my mom. My dad died of cancer less than a year after he was diagnosed. He was 20 years older than my mom. She is in her early 40's and she doesn't know how to go on in life without him. She's only going deeper into depression. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm just watching her go deeper into this hole. I'm not strong enough to help her. I am a recovering addict. I was addicted to opiates but I've been clean for a year and a half, this time, with the help of medication. I can stay clean with it, but every time I try to come off the meds, I become suicidal and relapse. I'm ill equipped to deal with life, I don't have a job, I'm recently married but my husband and I live with my mom. I know, I sound like a terrible person. We are looking for our own place and jobs now that my mom is bringing a family friend and her baby daughter to live with her. I hope this will help. She seems like she hates me and I feel terrible for not being up to cut. She's changed so much since we lost him. She's become agoraphobic, afraid of leaving the house, afraid of being around people, and oh so anxious. She is against pharmaceutical companies and doesn't want to go on any medications. I feel like I've lost not only my dad, but the person my mother was too. The house has become a mess, but she gets mad every time I clean it. She's let the grass grow 4 ft tall and doesn't want anybody to cut it. She acts like she doesn't want anybody around and I don't know if I should just go away and give her some space. I fear if I do, she will only become worse. I don't know if I should do what she says, or do the opposite. She quit her job and is quickly running out of the money that was left by my dad's insurance. I don't think she will be able to work again soon. I want to be in a position to help her financially by the time she needs it, instead of contributing to her downfall. My biggest fear is obviously that she will eventually hurt herself. She's a strong woman but a person can only handle so much hopelessness before they give up. I remember when I was in my depression, I felt like when I finally got the nerve to tell people, they didn't know what to do to help. Now she has told me that she is depressed and the shoe is on the other foot. I just want to help her... not hurt her.

[LizzyW]

That sounds like a very difficult situation that you two are in. Will she discuss it with you openly? It sounds like she may be angry, and she may not even be aware of it.

[nieserhonker]

She likes to talk about my dad but she doesn't want to talk about her other feelings unless she brings them up. She definitely doesn't want any advice and I don't know how to reply when she does bring it up. I'm not very good at talking about other peoples grief with them. I always say the wrong things. I'm getting stronger every day but I'm still afraid of failing and I think I'm even afraid of succeeding.

[nieserhonker]

That sounds like a very difficult situation that you two are in. Will she discuss it with you openly? It sounds like she may be angry, and she may not even be aware of it.

She likes to talk about my dad but she doesn't want to talk about her other feelings unless she brings them up. She definitely doesn't want any advice and I don't know how to reply when she does bring it up. I'm not very good at talking about other peoples grief with them. I always say the wrong things. I'm getting stronger every day but I'm still afraid of failing and I think I'm even afraid of succeeding.

[LizzyW]

She likes to talk about my dad but she doesn't want to talk about her other feelings unless she brings them up. She definitely doesn't want any advice and I don't know how to reply when she does bring it up. I'm not very good at talking about other peoples grief with them. I always say the wrong things. I'm getting stronger every day but I'm still afraid of failing and I think I'm even afraid of succeeding.

Imo, honesty is the best policy, even if it may not be taken well. At least your feelings and thoughts would be out in the open. When my dad died a couple of years ago, I really worried about my mother, because she had never been alone before, and they had been married for 54 years. I started taking her out on an outing every two weeks. We go thrift shopping, then out for lunch every other Thursday. Some of the best talks we have are in the car, on the way to wherever we are going. I drive, and I make comments or ask how she's doing, and I talk about dad, and what a great man he was. It's not necessarily that any great discoveries need to be made, but it's a way of both of us communicating our feelings about the loss. Maybe a mother-daughter outing on a regular basis might be considered, as a way to take both of you out of your normal environment, and give you a more objective atmosphere for communication. Just a thought.

[needy]

Sorry about your father. Congratulation for your recovery, keep up the great work. I don't think your mother hates you but because you are the closest you are the one that is going to get the worse of it. My son has mental illness and I was his worse enemy. At first he didn't do well going to physiologists/physiatrists eventually I was recommended to a place where the mental care nurse came to the house. At first he didn't open up but eventually he did he would listen to them. . This might be an option for you. Try to realize her triggers so you know when to back off. If your Mom becomes dangerous to yourself or herself you call the police. I know this is hard thing to do but it has to be done. People with a mental illness have to learn there are limits in what they can do in society but sometimes it takes a awhile to reach them. Your Mom's recovery might be slow so give her time. Now this might sound really cruel but I am going to say it. You cannot support your mother if you do you might be stopping her recovery. You are a newlywed and have to work for your own future. Good luck to you.

[Lostherwillawaysloveher]

I really feel for your situation. I'm sorry. It's hard watching somebody change (for the worse) I watched my wife falling for a long time and it hurt so much. I did everything I could outside of forcefully having her put in a straight jacket. I talked to the police and got the worst advice in the world. (wrong cop wrong time I guess) he told me the next time she takes off to file for a restraining order and a divorce. That was the last thing I wanted. Just be there for her. Figure out the best time to talk, car ride, over dinner, over a game of rummy, whatever. Let her know she is a valuable person and wanted and needed. I still don't know if my wife committed suicide had an accident or was murdered, I may never know. Just living with thinking someone you love may hurt themselves really really hurts deep. I hope things work out. congratulations on your recovery and may god watch over you and yours.

[littlemo20201]

^{Sometimes as mothers, we worry about everyone else instead of our own grieving. It takes time and when your mom is ready for herself she will talk about what she is feeling. I know I m going through depression myself since I lost my husband last year. I was so worried about everyone else on how they were handling his death, that I forgot to help myself get through it for me. Im glad that you are helping yourself and getting help. Give your mom time, but just let her know that your there for her if she wants to talk and that you love her. Its hard for her because she feels lost an doesn't want to go out of the house because she might remember things that they done together. I know I did, I would go to places that we shared together, it was very painful and that would make me more depressed. Just give her time, it will happen when shes ready.}