a bad day

[sadbeyondwords]

Another day at work.  Cant get a stitch of work done. I stare at my computer and think of mom. I am consumed by her. I woke again 2 am in complete panic- how is it that my mother is not here. I see her face so clearly, I see her smile and beautiful eyes-how is it that I will no longer touch her. I am beyond depressed at this point. I cant get out of this hole of depression. People now turn the other way when they see me because they know I will be crying. I cant help it. I really cant. My mom should still be alive. She should not have died due to stupid medical errors. She is supposed to be here with me. She was young, she was healthy, we had so many years left. I am so sick with fear. Whereas once the future was bright, it seems dark. I am fearful of the next day. It is the hardest thing to describe. The fear of the future without her. Everythign is such an effort. Thinking about a day without her kills me. I looked through an old calender today- I had a major panic attack as I looked at december 2007, the month she was admitted for a minor procedure that was supposed to take less than 4 hours in the hospital, then Jan 2008, she was in the ICU. I looked at all the days in Jan  2008---she was hospitalzied for all those days--stuck in a bed, being stuck with needles everyday, then february 2008, another mistake and she got sicker---she needed to be intubated and they killed her with allt he different medications. They killed her. February 2008, what a horrible month. I hate it. I hate it I hate it. How could I have buried my mother. I dont even know that it is possible to explain the depth of the extraordinary pain. I hate it. I really want to end it. I cant live without her. I really cant. I am so breathless without her. It is too hard to go on.  I hate everything now. I hate every day without my mother. I am so scared. I am petrified-there is no life for me without my mom. I just want to end this horrible life without my mommy.

[guitrain]

I sincerely hope your days get better.  There is no replacement but you have to remember her and face the grief.  Maybe in small doses at times but there is nothing wrong with mourning her loss.  You might look into this book, it is really helping me with the sudden loss of my father 3 weeks ago. 

Healing Your Grieving Heart - 100 Practical Ideas by Alan D. Wolfelt

I know it sounds strange to read or even impossible to read about it, but it is really helping me along.

I am at work as well and it is hard. I go into a locked room a few times a day and cry my eyes out. I am going to miss his cheesy emails, we had the same sense of humor. Talked nearly every day.  I just want you to know that I truly do know what your loss feels like to you. I was the only child and son, my dad was young still, we had many more years together. Enough about me...

Say small prayers, go for walks, take deep breaths and reflect on it.  Don't forget to take care of yourself, eat some favorite foods, listen to music...

This is a hard process, especially when so sudden and seemingly unfair!

jason

[sadbeyondwords]

Jason,

thank you for your response.  I too am sorry for your loss. It is so horrible to be here-to be in this position-so premature.

I understand the need to grieve-and you said try to do it in small doses. The problem is that I have no way to manipulate the dose-i cant control it. It seems that I always have the biggest dose. It is too much to handle because I can never stop thinking about her. No  matter what I am doing. If I am not thinking about the images of her dying her horrific painful death, I am thinking about the mistakes that were made at the hospital or the steps I could have taken to prevent it or what we would be doing right now if I had brought her home or how my life sucks terribly without her. It is just non stop. My dad said one of the worst things is that she suffered so much-she was in so much pain in that hospital. they didnt give a crap about her. She died in so much pain-she never got a chance to come home to relax, to breathe, to be comfortable. This is not how it was supposed to be -it really wasnt. she was so healthy. I simply cannot stop thinking about this. I feel so much guilt that i did not stop all the madness at the hospital.It is horrible. She cried right before she took her last breath. i saw it. How horrible She was in so much pain. There is nothing worse than this. nothing. My poor mom she suffered so much. This is not how it was supposed to be. No one I know has had such a horrific experience. I will  never forget this. I will never get over this. That is why it is so much harder. If she had died at home, among people who loved her, it would be different.  It would have been so much better. But her ending was the worst thing in the world. To see my mom crying, in pain, looking at me with her most precious beautiful eyes I am sure she was wondering how allthis happened since she was healthy-The images are devastating-so I cant control the dose of the sorrow. It just switches scenes. I am struggling so much myself to breathe, the panic is overwhelming. Why did this have to happen to her. I simply cannot function thinking about her end. She was the best person-so loving, so unbelievably gentle, so beautiful, so healthy-my mommy i need her so much. I cannot make it through this horrible life without her.

[guitrain]

"This horrible life"

Please don't think that.  Your mother was obviously not thinking that either.  As someone else in another post said, be your mother, be strong and make her proud.

This is  the life cycle. We as children have to deal with this crap... it sucks.  It is painful, it makes me angry, it is unfair.  But if it is so unfair then why does it happen naturally?  Please Please take some time for yourself, remember to breathe.  That is important. Deep deep relaxing breath of air.  Cry your eyes out..

I assure you these days will pass, I am only a few weeks into losing my best friend myself... (papa)

But I am working and going through the motions.  Don't expect to be "normal" and don't be afraid to tell people what you are going through. Most folks like to ignore this and stay away from people with these emotions. 

Last thought, this is every child's greatest fear.  What you went through was not right, I agree, but there is no changing what happened. My Grandpa was killed by a damn bear in his back yard. My grandma is still not over it or will ever be... but she is strong.  52 years of marriage.. that is pain.

Hang in there... you will make it through this, you will live beyond this.

feel free to email me

guitrain@gmail.com

jason

[guitrain]

SBW.. I hope you are ok. Please respond with a hello at least.  There are a number of us deeply concerned about your well being.

jason

[sadbeyondwords]

To all,

too depressed to talk anymore. have really given up.  thank you though for support

[mofirefly]

Dear Sadbeyondwords - Oh please don't give up completely.  I can't begin to imagine the pain you are in or the images that you continue to see - but I do know the pain I was in and the images I have to this day and please believe me when I tell you that they do beome more tolerable as you take small steps forward in your life.  Please let others here know how you are doing - we each take a portion of each other's pain and that helps each of us carry our own pain.  When someone just stops, it leaves others wondering what has happened - and there are times when that might make another feel that they are also going to give up.  Please try to breathe and try to look at pictures of you mom smiling and do your best to replace the horrible images with pictures and memories of far more wonderful times - you don't want them to be lost.  Take care.