Members Aimee Posted May 22, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 Recently I have been told (by my family) that I am obsessing about my husband's death. I have asked for clarification, and they can give me none.My question is this, at what point does grieving become an obsession? It hasn't been 2 years.. I lost my grandmother, my husband, and my brother in one year... I am soon to lose my father... I need to understand if, indeed, I am obsessing so I can change.Thanks for your help...Aimee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members IMISSTAO Posted May 22, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 I am so sorry for your losses. That is very difficult to lose many loved ones in a short period of time.I would seek the advice of a professional counselor regarding your question. If it interferes with your daily life and prohibits you from completing the tasks you need to do in order to live, then I would say it is time for help. But I am in no way qualified to make any kind of assessment based on the little information. As someone who has OCD, it can be very, very intrusive, so I would advise you to see a psychologist if you are worried about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aimee Posted May 22, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 Thank you IMISSTAO.Let me clarify.I am not allowing it to rule my life. I go to work each day (I am a teacher) and find joy in the student's comments. I laugh with them,I take care of my children by attending ball games, practices, and other celebrations. I am very supportive of them. We cheer each other on and laugh. We are not completely happy, but as happy as we can be without my husband, their father.We take day trips to the movies, and are going on vacation in just a few weeks.I attend church, bible studies, and even facilitate a grief support group at my church.I meet with friends for coffee and birthday parties. We take our kids to museums, and other fun stuff.From time to time, I will have a grief burst when I miss him terribly. That usually lasts a few hours, and then I am right back to honoring my life.That is why I am totally confused as to why they would suggest that I am obsessing... I am simply trying to figure out what they mean. I would like to be able to respond to them with some knowledge of this.Thanks.Aimee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kenk Posted May 22, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 I've also been told that I "obsess". But from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you are obsessing at all. It's a loss that is going to leave a hole in your heart, I think it's a tough concept for people to grasp that haven't experienced it. You can't just fold up and pack away a huge part of your life like that, anymore than they could an emotional memory of their own, even a happy one. If anything, it sounds to me like maybe they don't know how to react when you're feeling down, and frustration leads them to say you're obsessing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aimee Posted May 22, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 "You can't just fold up and pack away a huge part of your life"How true is this! My husband and I spent 26 years together! I have a good feeling that they are uncomfortable when I do have a giref burst and share it with them.The more I learn about this journey, the more I am convinced that I was never taught to grieve properly because it is such a sad topic. I am thankful that I am finally learing how to move forward... I would have seriously been stuck had it not been for my church and support group.Thanks... I would love to hear if anyone else has some ideas. I appreciate all the help I can get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kenk Posted May 22, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 Nobody in this country has been taught to grieve properly, or how to act or support around someone that is grieving. If you look at some places, a person wearing black for months or years on end is looked at with a certain respect. And someone screaming in the streets for a loss is not seen as "crazy". Try that here and you get "what's wrong with you?" It's just not something we do all that well as a culture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aimee Posted May 22, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 So true Kenk. That is why I love my grief support group. It allows me to feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it. They cast no judgement upon me, and don't claim that they know how to grieve or what will fix you. It is a process that we, with deep lose, must bear for as long as we feel necessary.I could see if I was talking consistently about my husband's death, or each day I had some memorial for him. I do that privately because that is what I need to do. I do not pretend that everything is ok because it is not. When someone asks me how I am doing, I answer honestly, "Today is a good/bad day."I work hard at not telling others that their loss is not as important or significant as mine. I simply listen with an opened heart. I try not to heal them for their healing comes from within themself.But yet, I am obsessing... ok maybe I am a little about this freaking comment, but still.... Thanks for taking the time Kenk. I hope you are grieving well... and that this day is a good day.Aimee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted May 23, 2013 Moderators Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 That is why I am totally confused as to why they would suggest that I am obsessing... Because they don't know what they are talking about and are foolish/ignorant enough to think you can just "be yourself again" without it ever backing up on you again after a set amount of time. Maybe you should have THEM see a grief counselor and get a clue. My .02 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LizzyW Posted May 23, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Thank you IMISSTAO.Let me clarify.I am not allowing it to rule my life. I go to work each day (I am a teacher) and find joy in the student's comments. I laugh with them,I take care of my children by attending ball games, practices, and other celebrations. I am very supportive of them. We cheer each other on and laugh. We are not completely happy, but as happy as we can be without my husband, their father.We take day trips to the movies, and are going on vacation in just a few weeks.I attend church, bible studies, and even facilitate a grief support group at my church.I meet with friends for coffee and birthday parties. We take our kids to museums, and other fun stuff.From time to time, I will have a grief burst when I miss him terribly. That usually lasts a few hours, and then I am right back to honoring my life.That is why I am totally confused as to why they would suggest that I am obsessing... I am simply trying to figure out what they mean. I would like to be able to respond to them with some knowledge of this.Thanks.AimeeBased on what you are saying, it doesn't sound like you are obsessing at all. We all go through it differently, and at our own pace. I would say that if you are able to work and socialize, you are doing well, considering your loss(es). My loss is still recent and fresh. I expect it to take me quite some time to be okay with it. You can't just get to the point that it no longer hurts from time to time. If you could, I would personally think that is not effective coping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Aimee Posted May 23, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 I can't thank you enough for all the validation I am getting. I knew I wasn't crazy!I have spoken with so many others, and they all say the same thing: "You are grieving well." "They want the 'old' you back."Well, the old me included my husband of 23 years! So... yeah. I will to listen to them with an opened heart, and thank them for thier advice and suggestions. I will also excuse them for not understanding what it is I am going through.Thank you to all that responded. You have been a tremendous help!May God hold you in the palm of his hands.Blessings to you.Aimee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members polperro91 Posted May 29, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2013 Amiee,I know exactly what you mean, 'I' am not 'I' any more, because the old 'I' was actually 2 people... now I am only 1!My kids (I have 4) have said the same thing, their friends want the old kid back, but they have to explain that the old kid aint' coming back because that old kid had a Mum.The old normal has gone, but a new normal will ensue, friends may change but normality will return and we will get on with our new lives as 1.Kindest regards indeed,Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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