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hard choices = no peace


Kelly

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lostinguilt

I have never posted on a any type of forum before and my circumstances make it even more difficult to find a category to post under. So please forgive me if I wander and am in the wrong place.

Around December I received a phone call from my ex-wife's mother telling me that she has disappeared. I really didn't think to much of it as that is one of the many reasons we were divorced. She used to sort of walk away from her family and the people that loved her on a regular basis (not for long, but long enough to make us worry). The holidays were when she would usually take off. She liked to party, a lot. That was another reason why we divorced.

The truth of it is that was the only reason we divorced. Our sons were small and I just could not help her stay away from the damn dope. I tried everything I knew how to do. I literally sat on her to keep her from going out and getting more drugs. I tried rehab, the whole tough love thing, interventions, everything, It had gotten to the point where I felt the boys were in danger.

I feel like I am giving the wrong impression. She loved her children very much. She wasn't purposely hurting anyone(oh hell there I am making excuses again) but she had an addiction that she couldn't control. I love Jennie so much she is my first love, the mother of my children and my only true love. But now she is gone. I had always hoped that someday she would find the strength to quit the drugs and come back home.

I had to make the choice to take the kids and leave. I know it was the right choice. I had to basically throw away one of the few things that made me a person, Jennie. And in the process I feel like I am almost as responsible for her death as the punk that killed her and buried her in his basement. I know I have heard all of the crap from the "people that know" I shouldn't feel guilty, I shouldn't be second guessing my decision as a father.

But I am. I am angry, I am hurt, and I doubt I will ever feel any peace whatsoever. I feel like if I would have held on just a little longer she wouldn't have gone so far off of the deep end with the drugs. She could, what am I saying shoulda coulda woulda isn't going to change anything.

Oh yeah! that basement thing, that was a complete shock to me too. It was, a drug deal gone wrong, according to the authorities.

Where can I find the ability to deal this guilt, this anger I cant even sleep at night without dreaming of her. I wish they were nice dreams but they are not . it is like living through a bad horror movie that won't ever end.

I made the right decision for my sons right, who knows now they wont know how much she really did love them all they have now is hearsay.

oh @#$^ I really really hurt

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lostinguilt

I am grateful for your reply. I really never expected anyone to be able to reply to my post. I am looking for some kind of therapy or at the very least a support group that will help me deal with my issues.

In all reallity, today I am just numb and empty.

I do know that it is not my fault, I know that I did all that I personally could.

Emotionally, knowledge just cant touch the power of the feelings that just tear me up. Sometimes the feelings are so strong and ...............random?..... indescribable.

Today there is a little respite  and I am grateful.

sometimes I guess it just helps to vent. And then to find someone who actually listened, well that is just an unexpected kindness.

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Lost in Guilt,Somebody will always answer you on BI. There is a forum for violent deaths on BI. I can only imagine what you are going through. There are just no words that would really describe it. Life deals us some nasty blows and somehow we are left to pick up the pieces though none of us can figure out why we were chosen for the role.We wind up in a" club" we never thought we would be in. It sounds like you are still in shock. Be very gentle with yourself and take good care of yourself while you go through this time. Do you have friends or family that who will listen to you or help you get through this time? A support group would be helpful if you can find one. It is good to vent so all of that doesn't stay inside of you or come back to bite you later. People talk above waves of feelings and emotions that come. Keep letting them out. Try to look at the beauty of the spring around you to help heal your heart. Light a candle for Jennie and try to remember the good times you once shared and not the end. I know that is hard to do. It took me about a year and a half to start coming out of it a bit and start moving back towards life instead of looking the other way. Everyone has their own way of grieving and you must do it in your own time and your own pace. Take care!

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lostinguilt

Trembling I write my dream, and recollect

A fearful vision at the midnight hour;

So late, Death o'er me spread his sable wings,

Painted with fancies of malignant power!

Let others draw from smiling skies their theme,

And tell of climes that boast unfading light,

I draw a darker scene, replete with gloom,

I sing the horrors of the House of Night.

......

Phillip Freneau

The House of Night

It was a dark dark day.

I have dealt with grief and sorrow over the loss of a loved one before. I lost my Mother, my Grandmother, and a close Aunt all in the same week, each passed two days apart. It has been several years since that fateful week. Needless to say I still miss them and on occasion go through the emotional flare-ups. I expect it, and would probably question my humanity if I didn't go through them.

But...

This massive feeling of complete and total loss that I am going through right now is something else. I woke up this morning, after my nightmare ridden 3-4 hours of sleep, to go to work, didn't shower, shave, eat, or do anything I normally would do. I get into my car and start for work...... three and a half hours later I found myself a little over 200 miles away, in the wrong direction, crying my eyes out and just completely exhausted.

what is going on? I can't....... I just can't.

Still very weepy, and I am afraid to fall asleep. I had to force myself to come online and try to express some of this.....? anger, fear, guilt, sorrow? maybe I should call it fanguilo. It feels like I am feeling them all, all at one time. I am so overwhelmed.

I have tried reading a lot of posts on this site and everyone seems so very understanding. A lot of posts make some good points and give a little hope and support to anyone who needs it. I just cant find the reasons to keep trying. Does any of this really mattter? I dont think it does. What purpose could any of the things I have ever done, or ever will do possibly have?

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LostinGuilt,What a beautiful poem!

 

You are feeling ALL of those emotions that you mentioned. Grief, shock, numbness, anger,guilt,all kinds of jumbled emotions are "normal" after what you have gone through. Murder has to be the worst kind of death there is by far. I don't think I could cope with it. I would say do anything you have to do to get through this whether by therapy and/or antidepressants for awhile. It is just way too BIG to handle alone. There is a saying, the best way out is always through. Feel your emotions and keep working through them so they will not become repressed and bite you later in life. The goal is to eventually see this as part of your life story and move past it to life once again. If you can find an appropriate support group, that would really help. People that are experiencing "normal" grief from losing people in a "normal" way of illness might not understand what you are going through. That has been my experience with suicide. People are horrified by it and can't get away fast enough. If you live in a big city, your chances of finding help are pretty good as more resources are available. Try writing your feelings out on paper and then burn the pages or shred them to let go. Try drawing or painting to put a face on your grief. You don't have to be an artist. Listen to relaxing music and try meditating to find peace. It may take awhile as your emotions are so raw and new at this time. Be gentle with yourself and realize you can't do it all in one day. If you've had enough in a day stop. Take very good care of yourself right now. Write letters to Jennie, light a candle for her or plant something in her memory. Try to hold on to anything with meaning and purpose in your life-it is your lifeline. Take Care!

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lostinguilt

I wish I could express everything I need to express.

If there was a single expression to describe the feelings of what its like to lose someone, it would be of such powerful language that it would be outlawed. Perhaps it would have to be under some kind of government restriction like hand guns, nuclear weapons or prescription drugs. Such a declaration in public would bring out emotions so strong in people, perpetual disarray would ignite like wildfire.

Everything would be at hazard. Nothing would be sacred, or safe. There would be great torment. The air would be filled with a great flood of tears and wailing. Every breath of air would become noxious and unbearable. Starvation would be rampant due to lack of interest. All that was familiar would be gone or unrecognizable.

Thanks again Aurora.

You are unfortunately right about the support group thing I live in a small town and there is nothing. just the people that are avoiding me already because I make them depressed. So I am talking to my doc on the morrow and in the meantime I write, and cry, and get angry and write some more.

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lostinguilt

I am wondering why

During the midst of my “shock” over the untimely death of my soul-mate. I have discovered that some of the people I thought were friends are actually some very sadistic and and uncaring individuals. I have this “friend” that told me I should just unload my baggage and get on with the ritual of living. Not bad advice; much easier said than done, but really not bad advice. This same person told me that I could unload some of it on them, cool right?.......... NOT........ While I was 'trying' to explain how I was feeling they would interrupt me with little tidbits like; “You know she was bad for you” and “you are better off without her, thats why you divorced her right?” or “Its a good thing that the boys will never know what she was really like. With all of the drugs she did there is no telling how them boys would have turned out”.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!

of all the.......

Who says things like that?

Why would anyone even think that that was some kind of consolation or even the slightest bit truthful. I felt like someone hit me in the chest with a sledgehammer or something. Almost instantaneously anxiety overwhelmed me and I was on the floor wishing I could just join my lady.

Oh they were all helpful and consoling when I was lying on the floor drowning in pain and anger. Or maybe it was because they thought they might have killed me or something. Who knows.

This was someone who I have trusted for a long time.

I am still wondering WHY would any one say things like that.

This is just a little bit to fresh to be stomping all over it.

At least I know who my friends are.

Also....

I am certain however that, I am not ready to give up. I dont know why but I some how feel that no matter how small, I still have purpose and I will always love Jennie with all of my heart. I may feel guilty about the circumstances of her death, and I will always wonder if somehow I might not have been able to do, or see, or be, just a little bit more of the person she needed she might just still be alive and here with me and the boys. maybe just maybe we all could live in this perfect world that we have been convinced that we deserve.? What a funny word, deserve......

deserve: to be worthy

(to be worthy of what?)

Did I derserve to be put through this hell?

Did my sons?

Did Jennie,? most of all did Jennie deserve this hell.

No!!!...... Not only no but hell no. Why did it happen then? was it fate? was it written? was it a lesson me and mine needed to learn before we could move on? Was it some other power? I dont know and right now I dont care. It still hurts it doesn't matter, it still really really really hurts............................................

Aurora,

I really must thank you again for reading my tirades and my venting. I really dont know your circumstances but I pray that you can find or have found your peace.

I myself, I know that I am absolutely insane. I have slept perhaps 5 hours in the last 10 days. I also know that this little epiphany I am having at the moment will be gone tommorrow and I will feel just as guilty and as angry and sad as I have for the last 3 months, but, today (I emphasize TODAY) I feel like there is hope and we are all going to be better people  for our pain. (what doesn't kill me makes me stronger).

Love you AURORA.

I dont really like this 'club' we have joined but

I would be nowhere without you all.

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lostinguilt..i know the pain you are feeling..its hurts bad..but talking is what helped me..i was never the type to tell anyone my problems before i was thrown into this hell...but something inside of me told me that if i dont let it out, i will go insane...you are doing the right thing...keep writing down your thoughts, even if its a sentance or two...it really will start to make a difference...this is an awesome site...we are all here for you...doug42

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lostinguilt

Aurora I am so sorry. I cant imagine the emotional issues. Of course that is not saying much I cant even fathom what is happening to my own self. life has taken on a strange color these days. Nothing makes too much sense anymore. I guess I am just trying to find answers to the wrong questions or something.

Thanks for the encouragement doug. All I seem to have right now is writing.

I was right about my sudden life altering realization yesterday. Today my sons and I were supposed to spend some time together at the jazz festival. I was looking forward to getting out and seeing some new faces for a change. They both needed to talk apparently, because they told me that they didn't want to go but, would stick around the house with me. Well that's good enough for me I love it when we get to spend time together.

They really needed to vent! Again I was hit hard (just as hard as yesterday) as they were letting me know how very angry they were with me for not telling them about their mothers "problems", and why I didn't try to help her instead of throwing her away. At first I became angry. I didn't say anything but I was angry. I don't know why I didn't tell them all of the details about why their mother and I had to split up. Just too painful I guess? I sat there and listened without saying much, I just didn't have any way of defending myself. It never dawned on me that they would blame me as much as I do myself. They are hurting too, I realized this after a little while and just let them vent. I understand most of what they trying to say but.................. whew. This is where it gets hard..........I tried to tell them that I love her, that I love them, and it was ok........................I know that they are probably going through some of the same issues but, I just am broken, broken heart, broken spirit, just broken. When I offered them the love and tried to let them know.................They just told me they hated me and they are going out.....................................

I just cant write anymore right now ...

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Lostinguilt, wow! I can really feel your pain! I don't even know what to say to the torment you are going through! Perhaps family therapy??In grief it seems like you get over one hurdle and another is waiting. It's almost never ending. That is a large issue to deal with with kids.  I know many people that has happened to. I hope you will be able to keep your family together. Thinking of you........

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4everjoeysmom

Lostinguilt, I have been reading, but frankly havn't felt qualified to share anything...  but after reading your pain and anguish following the exchanges with your sons, I just felt so sad for what you are feeling.  Anger, while a natural part of the grieving process, can be so devastating when it is misplaced.  The boys are suffering a huge loss too, a mother with whom now all dreams or hopes they may have had of having a normal kind of mom-son relationship are gone.  It's easier for them to be able to express their anger towards a target--as it is with most of us.  They probably have some anger or resentment toward their mother and her past behaviors that prohibited her from being the kind of mother they needed and wanted, but to express anger toward her now that she is gone--well, for one she isn't a tangible target and for another maybe there is a feeling of sacredness in those who have passed even though circumstances make this situation a very complicated grief.  I feel as if I'm tripping over my tongue in tryng to put to words what my heart is discerning.  I guess in a nutshell, as broken as you are right now, I pray that you hold onto hope in knowing that your boys don't really hate you.  They are just trying to process everything and nothing makes sense, and for them right now the easiest release of emotion is anger.  I think it's fair to say that most of us have experienced in one direction or another misplaced anger.  The emotion is real and we have to let it out so it doesn't corrupt our very core.  But many times where and how it's released is against those we love dearly and are closest too because we can feel safe and secure enough in the relationship to let our colors fly.  Maybe I don't know...  but it just seems like the heat of emotion is at its core of intensity right now with many things being said that aren't meant.  From what you have shared, you obviously have been doing your very best under all circumstances past and present.  You have always had their safety and best interest at heart, no matter how difficult and heartwrenching the decisions you've made have been for you personally and intimately.  They need some time to work it out in their hearts and minds, and all you can really do is just be there for them--the same loving, caring, nurturing dad you have always been.  The core of who you are hasn't changed.  It's the circumstances surrounding you that have changed.  And learning to move through the circumstances is a challenge that I pray in time you and your boys will be able to work through "together".  I'm so sorry for your pain and anguish.  Please hold onto hope that the goodness and love that has sustained you and the boys thus far will continue to carry you through the depths of this loss and onward.....   ~Claudia

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lostinguilt

Thanks Claudia I know that they were just reaching for something or someone. For the moment we are all ok. I think? I am not so sure that their anger is so misplaced. I have not been completely honest with my sons about their mother and now it is coming back to bite me in the butt. I honestly thought that Jennie and I would have the chance to explain it to them together, later..........

I went to the doc on monday he put me on some pretty heavy anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. Probably shouldn't be sharing that one but I have already about bared my soul to y'all anyway.  I doubt I will be taking them very long as they make me feel like a zombie. I would rather feel everything all at once than nothing at all.

I have to admit now that I am looking at this situation from a overly medicated perspective. I think I am going to have to get some extra help on this one. My entire life I have always been the strong one in the family. Always have I been there when anybody needed me. Even when my Mother, Grandmother and Aunt passed away I was one of the few that kept everything together that week and handled most of the arrangements. I was still upset and needed my time to cope but I was still able to function normally, whatever that means???  Now I cant eat, sleep, think,... or do anything unless I am so medicated I cant feel anything. Is this how addiction starts?       ........That question right there scares me.

I think I am done with the meds. I have to just find a different way.

thinking about y'all and take care now.

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4everjoeysmom

Lostinguilt, Yeah!  Do please be careful on the meds.  I think anti-anxiety drugs to take the edge off when it's overwhelming and unbearable are ok for a time.  But like you said, you don;t want to become addicted.  Addiction does begin a lot of times by substituting drugs as a coping mechanism instead of facing things head on--running away, so to speak, into the abyss of zombie-ness.  But the fact that you are "aware" of what the drugs can do and want to be cautious speaks volumes.  You are still in control of choosing the drug rather than it controlling you.  I agree that seeing a counselor would be a really good thing for you, and I do hope you can find one that you feel comfortable with.  There is a lot of stuff you could use some help with in flushing out.  And maybe your boys would agree to go (as a family) for a time once you get settled into one you like--individually as well would be good for them as they too are having some deeper issues to cope with in addition to the loss.

You mentioned their anger may NOT be misdirected and why, but I still believe what you chose to hold back for the time being was strictly in their best interest.  Don't fault yourself for hoping at the time that thaings would come to a place where you and Jen could have addressed it together with the boys.  I'm sure she hoped for that too in times when she had control of her thoughts.  But it sounds like a lot of the time she didn't, and it was your responsibility to do what you thought was right at the time--and you did.  After some time I believe your boys will be able to see that and recognze it for an act of love and wanting to protect them vs something malicious and premeditated to hurt them.  If they could see it on that kind of scale, I think they would clearly choose to believe that your actions were out of love for them.  The saddest part of all of this is the finality in terms of Jennie's role in helping them come to terms with the history of events, how it all unfolded and how things got to be where they are now.  I'm sure they (and you) have worked hard to cut through issues of abandonment, and now this just makes it so permanent--abandonment to the "enth degree", and that's so hard to deal with, because you can't take it up and discuss it with the one who has hurt you.  I think you and your boys need help getting through this part of the journey if you are unable to talk through with one another.  Something like this can root very deeply, not to say that it hasn't already--but you can survive this and be healthy on the other side of the journey.  It will just take some hard work and time, lots of love and compassion, patience and understanding--because each one of you has been deeply affected and hurt.  There is not one of you that doesn't carry deep scars inside and out.

I believe you can do this.  It's by far the toughest journey you have ever faced, true.  But you are a man of strong character.  You are a man who loves with all of your heart and strength.  LOVE is a tremendous conquerer and will prevail.  It never dies.  Take care of you first, so that you can regain some strength and confidence, and then stand firm in love and do whatever is necessary to get your boys through if and when you can.  If you are fallen apart it will be hard to offer them hope by your own example.  They are looking at you, toward you, because you are the one solid foundation they have known.  They need assurance and security in knowing that foundation still stands.  This tragedy certainly has rocked the foundation of your lives, but it does not have to destroy it.  I hope and pray that strength and wisdom find you and that you are protected from falling off of the foundation.  The hardest thing from here is the journey, but you can't get to the other side where the healing begins until you walk through the wilderness first.  It's painful, no doubt.  BUT you guys can do this TOGETHER.  Keep posting as you can if that helps, because there are definitely those if us here who care very much...   ~Claudia

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lostinguilt

"The following are some simple suggestions to help you move on with your New Year, to find a new sense of grace and perhaps a new you. There are ways to move on with dignity, to give up that person you have lost without anger, and to find a loving way of letting yourself move on. Use this New Year to present yourself with a new way of living!"

By I forget who already

I just read this on the home page and it sort of?....... pisses me off. My goal? is NOT to give up that person with dignity, or not, or anger, grace or even moving on. This kind of psycho- babble is exactly what makes people lose who they are and give up altogether.

This is like the same crap! I hear all of the time. Its not!!! about moving on, or letting go, its about coming to terms with the life! and the lose of such, in whatever circumstances. I am so sick of people telling me how it should be and how I should be feeling. (If you haven't guessed I visited the counselor today, what a freaking joke, )Why would I want tips or help to feel the way that someone else thinks I should. I FEEL!!!!!!!!! bad, guilty, sorrow, loss, just plain hurt, why would I want to let someone project their feelings on me? my feelings are who I am and why I am who I am. (**** I can barely make sense of that statement). In the wise words of Claudia I am tripping all over my tongue.

I think that I am just a little bit selfish here but, these are MY feelings and I feel the way that I feel. period! Meds suck, councilors suck, hell life sucks. It seems like we exist just to die. Why? What purpose could that ever serve?....................Oh yeah I did do something positive today. I went and got tattooed. My avatar? well, that is now on my calf, just a small memorial of my fallen angel and her personal hell. And no more meds. I sure hope that y'all can stand all of my venting, this seems to be the only thing that lets me sleep at night.

I miss her, her voice , her breath in my ear, the touch, the joy of discovery together, the arguments and confrontation, the good times the bad times, just to know that she was there was enough, I miss every minute of it. Why did I have to let her go???????

Now I don't even have a choice.

Shoot.........

I just plain miss her being a part of me.

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4everjoeysmom

Geez yeah!  That sounded like something from Dr Phil or someone...  I could never have adopted that philosophy, and I'm not exactly sure who it's directed to, but it certainly doesn't fit here.  But, my friend, Lostinguilt, don't dwell on the statements and idiocies that burn your temper.  They are a dime a dozen out there for sure, and if I swallowed every morsel that came my way, I would have died from hopelessness in humanity myself.  Someone actually had the odacity to say to me that if they lost their only child, they would not cry.  They would just "go ahead"... whatever the H that meant.  And I was pretty ticked off--I vowed to not ever talk about serious personal issues again with that friend, and I really haven't since.

I'm really sorry to hear the counselor visit was a bust.  I know other people, many actually, who tried a few different counselors before they found one that they could relate with.  Obviously this one wasn't right, and/or maybe the timing is off.  You are the best judge of that, even though you don't feel together in your thoughts right now.  Don't give up on yourself, whatever it takes.  And it's easy to throw away hope in humanity and any kind of future.  It's a real fight, BUT it's worth the energy to fight if you can just muster putting one foot in front of the other, one breath after the next for a while--because looking to tomorrow, next week, next month--all of that is just downright overwhelming for a while in these early times of loss.  It's a horrible, stinking nightmare you are in the middle of, and dang it all if I know of any "cure".  I ride my waves too and wish sometimes that any part of it would make sense.  But what I call "the Missing", I know where you are with that.  You just want to cast a line and reel in the yesterdays to just hear her voice, see her face, smell her, touch her... to stop the tomorrow from ever coming...   I wish I could do or say something that could bring you some comfort or relief in this agony.  I really do...  I am so sorry for your pain...  I wish for you some rest and peace of mind, just a glimmer of hope to say that you made it through this many days and hours, and you can make it through some more...  Hoping for you....  ~Claudia

P.s.  She will ALWAYS be a part of you...

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lostinguilt

I am so alone!

There is nothing left. My sons have left to live with grandparents and i am alone absolutly alone. I don't guess I can blame them for wanting to leave but there was always hope.

 

I think I have chased off everyone that I have ever cared about. Jennie's parents have been great, superficialy,  through all of this but somehow I feel like they are wanting to see me fall because................they feel I am resposible for her death. Or they somehow feel that I could have saved her somehow??????????  Her parents are part of the group that assured me that leaving her was the best thing for her? Now I wonder. They sure have been cold lately. Is it just me?

Or are they wanting me to go through the same pain and loss that Jennie felt when I took the boys from her?

I know I am not thinking very clear right now so maybe this is all in my head and everything is going to be ok tommorrow........or maybe not, I am just lost and wondering is this for the best? Could I have been so mislead that I couldn't see for myself what really needed to be done. Am I just that selfish?

Somehow I feel Like I should be around them on and about Mothers day. I just don't know what to to think anymore. I just hurt. It feels like I have lost everything because I couldn't think on my own.

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lostinguilt

.........thank you Claudia!

I must have read over your previous post 8 or 9 times.

I understand that what you are saying is true.........in my heart however, I just cant seem to get past the 'ownership'? logically it all makes sense but emotionally........nothing makes sense. What funny animals we are.

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lostinguilt, I don't think we intentionally chase people out of our lives after a death. I think it's other people's choices how they react to us. By association, whatever. They are the ones that are uncomfortable with us. They don't know what to say,they are in their own safe little worlds and don't want to be touched by another's pain,they are afraid the same thing could happen to them by knowing us-who knows? The world is basically absurd. You really find out who cares when the chips are down.

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4everjoeysmom

Lostinguilt, Most everyone that experiences a catastrophic loss feels anger, guilt, confusion and so many of the things you feel.  It would be no surprise if Jen's parents also felt these things in their own way.  Maybe they just feel "wierd" right now, because seeing you reminds them of the "what might have been's".  It's natural they would have these feelings, and over time perhaps they will warm up again.  They too need their private time to grieve the loss of their child.  One thing I learned from the perspective of a grieving parent is that you not only lose the adult child.  You also lose the child they were and every stage in between.  You grieve it all.  I did.  And many others I know have.  I think because you weigh heavily with your own guilt, it's easy to misinterpret and imagine others are feeling negatively toward you personally when truthfully they too are most likely just trying to cope as well as they can and they haven't quite figured out how to do that.  Your sons, I believe, just need some space to objectively work through their grief and emotions.  They too are caught in the "what might have been's", so it seems, when they think of your role in all of this.  Maybe they do blame you right now.  But remember this, when grieving people go through anger, it is easier to deal with and hurdle that emotion when you have an object to release upon.  As I said before, they may not feel comfortable releasing anger at their mom's memory, because it is usually felt there is something sacred about the state of those who have gone.  I also believe their emotions will shift in time and you will have the opportunity to share life with them again.  Everyone is just grieving so hard right now.  You're all mourning, and that takes a lot of energy.  It sounds like no one really has the strength to help anyone else through or to figure out how, yet all of you are touched by each other in all of this and you all feel each other's hurts.  It's overwhelming.  It's a very hard place to be, and I pray this distance won't last long.  Right now you have to focus on your well being and what it is going to take to get YOU through this.  Once you are growing toward healthy outlooks on life again, your boys will likely feel more comfortable.  They may fear for you as well, thay maybe you can't handle their issues right now.  One note is that they may be afraid of "losing you" too, so they are backpeddling away to avoid that hurt.  It's kind of an oxymoron in motion, if you will, but also a very natural protective instinct.  It's all speculation at this point, but some very real possibilities.  If you can, try not to let your imagination move into paranoia in terms of what everyone else is saying, thinking, feeling, acting, etc.  Focus on YOU and your pain, and your survival in the moment.  It's all any of us can do when so much is out of our control.  Hoping and sending prayers your way, ~Claudia

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lostinguilt

Well this has been a tough week! I won't go into any great detail but it seems that I have just forgotten how to function altogether. Almost seems like all of my emotions have taken over and there is nothing left of my rational side. I cant seem to get anything done..... shoot, I cant seem to get anything started. Its like trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together with half of the pieces missing. Bills are late, it seems like I am always late for work, I lose everything in plain sight,

speaking of losing things I was talking to my sister on my cellphone the other day. We were just having a light conversation, kind of avoiding the grief, when she asked me if I had somebody's phone number. I told her that I had it but I would have to look it up. No problem right? .............. wrong! for the next ten or fifteen minutes I was muttering under my breath and tossing things around, basically making a big fuss. After a while of this, while I was talking to my sister, she asked me what the heck was my problem? Why was I fussing so much? Well by this time I was extremely frustrated and I just yelled at her............. I CAN'T FIND MY STUPID PHONE!!!!

She laughed so hard she peed her pants.

It was funny in a way but that is how everything is going right now. I am just barely hanging on and everything that I used to understand I cant make sense of anymore.

thinking of y'all

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bettespaghetti

Where to begin?  I lost my boyfriend unexpectedly May 3rd.  Talk about shock.  It still seems so unreal.  I have a very messed up back ground to begin with and it almost seems as if everything that happened before was easier to deal with than losing him.  It's been just over two weeks and I still cry alot.  I hadn't had much experience with grief and loss and I'd only experienced two deaths close to me and those were so many years ago and nothing like this.  I'm with the train of thought that even though well meaning people suggest counselling, well, I just can't go and talk to someone I don't know about things they probably have never experienced and have them tell me how I should feel or what I should do.  That just seems absurd.  Not to mention I am a single mom of three, and it's an expense I just cannot afford.  I keep hearing it gets better with time, but I don't know it anything "gets better".  Maybe we accept, deal with, push aside, but get better?  There's nothing anyone can do to make losing my love better!!! 

So many emotions and thoughts and not sure how to deal with them, work through them, express them.....  I've been a mess the past two weeks and am struggling to manage. 

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4everjoeysmom

Lostinguilt. I have started to post to you several times, and then I just erase it and pray some more.  My heart is so burdened for what you are going through.  You may feel like you are losing your mind, but disorganization is one of those things that comes so strongly to attack us in our early grief.  After almost 2 years I am still trying to muster up motivation and organized thoughts for more than 15 minutes at a time.  I don;t mean that as a dicouraging point.  I just mean to say that you are not alone in what you are feeling and what is happening to you as a result.  I have many, many times been in the middle of doing or saying something (usually at really crucial times) and have completely lost my faculties.  I just stand there, empty-headed, stammering and finally just ask for forgiveness, but i cannot remember what I was saying or doing.  Usually that's a segway into sharing why I am now like this, which also leads me into sharing about my faith.  But it happens...  we just drift into some land of forgetfulness and disarray.  It feels like we won;t come back sometimes.  And maybe secretly we wish we wouldn't at some of the hardest points.  But we are not crazy or losing it.  We're just grieving....

Thinking of you and praying for you and your boys, ~Claudia

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4everjoeysmom

Bette, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can't say it gets better...  After almost 2 years beyond the death of my son I still have pain like nothing I have ever known.  It seems like there is nothing that could even come close.  For me, I no longer have the constant shortness of breath and chest pains I had in the beginning, and the raging sea of overwhelming emotions so mixed up I didn't know whether I would survive.  If I could have lay down and died, I probably would have, just from my broken heart.  But in time the waves come and go.  When they come in, they are strong still, but they don't last on and on like in the beginning.  It's like a sharp dagger becoming dull around the edges in time.  I don;t know how else to describe it.  Two weeks is just no time at all.  I don;t know how long I was in shock and despair, but it was much longer than 2 weeks.  I know having children to care for compounds your ability to openly grieve and just be what you need to be and do what you need to do in the moment.  I don't know if you have friends or relatives nearby that can give you a hand with the kids once in a while so you have alone time...?  You have to do whatever you need to in order to take care of you--survival...   Keep coming to Bi and post or read if you find that helpful.  One thing we can offer here is the sense that you are not alone in your grief.  There are many hurting souls here that find comfort in journeying together in understanding and compassion towards one another when the world around us seems to not notice.  I hope you can find a connection here that is helpful and encouraging, in time.  Hopeful, Claudia (JoeysMom) 

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bettespaghetti

I do wish I could have taken some time from work and everything and just felt what I felt and then try to manage from there, but being the only one my kids have I couldn't do that.  My family lives in Arizona and California and I am in Missouri.  I don't have many friends that could take the kids for more than a day (now one friend did take them while I attended Roger's visitation and funeral).  That was 24 hrs and I came home to chaos.  That made things much worse.  It's been one thing after another since he died.  I got rear ended on my way to work last Wednesday and that just stirred things up more.  Now my disabled son is unwell and I am trying my best to hold it all together.  I do seem to go longer periods of time without crying, but stay pretty teary more often than not.  I am a sensitive person to begin with and find that I am even more so now.

Just so many feelings, thoughts, things and just me to handle it and it all is just too much sometimes.  I would love, at times, to crawl into bed and just stay there, but can't do that either.

I do appreciate the kind words, thoughts, prayers and I am hoping that being here and reading and interacting with others in my shoes (though I am saddened that so many are in our shoes) that I will be abled to function better and not get over, but get through this...

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bettespaghetti

I'm having a really awful time.  I was holding it together, sort of, today and then just fell apart.  I find myself going to the neighbors so I don't have to watch my son talk to his girlfriend.  It's sooooo hard!!  My kids probably think I've lost my mind.  I'm so tired of having to "be strong" and handle everything all the time on my own!!!  I have survived being molested as a child, raped as a young adult and my daughter's dad trying to end my life!  I've reached the limit of what I'm "strong" enough to handle and don't know how to make my way through this.  How can I resent my son and his relationship?  It doesn't feel right but it's how I feel.  I'm sobbing as I sit here typing this because I feel guilty, hurt, angry...alone. 

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Bette,  The feelings you have about your son's relationship with his significant other are quite normal for one who grieve's for hers.  It's so hard to work through our emotions in grief, especially when they are so all-consuming.  Looking for escapes, I think we all do that from time to time, and much more in the beginning, until at least we settle into some kind of semelance of a life again.  You're feeling overwhelmed with responsibility at a time when your world and life are upside down.  You've been through so much in life, and it seems like when we have significant pain from our past--even though we may have worked through it already--old wounds rise up to a degree as we try to manage the new wounds as well.  It seems you have a very small system for support--maybe only that neighbor...  and coming to post here.  You mentioned on another thread that you work in a social services (welfare) office??  Are there any resources through your office that you can look into for helping one of their own service personnel?  You're wounded in battle, and you need to have a chance to tend to your wounds, but that seems so hard to even begin when everything around you is pulling at your attention.  Do you or have you attended church that can offer you free services, like counseling, grocery shopping, light cooking and/or cleaning at your home, etc?  If you could have help with just one or a few things here and there, it may offer you a little bit f relief and time to just be still to mourn and grieve for your own sake and sanity.  I am so saddened when I learn of people who have no one to reach out to for help...  I am so concerned for you, and yet all I can do is be this far away and pray for you... and maybe, hopefully for this little bit of time let you know that someone out here cares and shares in a very painful journey called grief....   Thinking of you....  ~Claudia

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bettespaghetti

Claudia, just being able to share openly and not sugar coat or make it seem better than it is helps tremendously.  I am considering having my sons go to their parents for a few weeks and my daughter to her dad (court ordered) and give me a minute to breathe, feel what I feel, do what I need to do and pull myself back together.  There's always going to be a place in my heart only for Roger, but with everything else I have to find a way to "live" and not just exist.  I have to show my kids that bad things can happen, things we don't want and that we can live again.  Maybe not in the same way, but still do it.

Today was better....a few tears here and there, but not the all consuming pain of last night.  I am hoping those moments get fewer and more far between.  It not being even a month yet I know it will be longer yet still.

Moral support in any form means alot.  As far as church, well the one who raped me was a youth pastor...so haven't stepped foot in one for a very long time.  I do have a handful of good friends, but I hate to be a burden too...

You and your support are much appreciated...

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4everjoeysmom

It is mortifying when someone you trust--someone people should be able to trust--violates that trust in such a destructive way that it scars one's ability to reach out in a certain manner as a result....  I'm so sorry...

As for taking a break...  If you have a reasonable avenue, such as the ones you mentioned with the alternate parents, by all means do what you must so that you can take care of your immediate needs, which then allows you to better take care of them.  Sounds like a good plan.  As for friends, for anyone who calls me a friend, I invite them to burden me in their hour of need...  I wish all friends could and would make those invitations...especially when they know a friend is hurting.  I do wish you comfort and rest...  ~Claudia 

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bettespaghetti

Yes, it is bad, but there's wose.   I'm lucky (blessed), I guess...I survived it and learned to live again.  Many lose their lives.  My oldest son is the one who saved me.  So, I guess that's part of why I try to hold it together so much.  He has since felt he needs to protect me, try to fix what's wrong, whatever.  I just want him to be a "normal" teenager or as much is possible when you've experienced the things he has.

Anyway, going to lose myself in a book.  Tonight has been more tolerable.  Fighting with my myspace page has taken my mind of things.  Hard to concentrate on that and think of anything else when you're trying to figure out how to do something.  Wishing you rest and peace...

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lostinguilt

Bette I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please take care of yourself while you are going through this I know it is hard to even think about but take care of YOU. I seem to have failed at this job, even after Claudia and Aurora both warned me about it. I had to go to the doc today and it seems that I have lost about 40 lbs in the last month or two, not very healthy, and I now have pneumonia plus a couple of cracked ribs from coughing so hard. That is a hard combination to deal with. The doc wants to admit me to the hospital but I just cant afford it.

This is all because I havn't paid any attention to what my body has been telling me. You have to eat when you are hungry no matter if food seems to have no flavor any more or not. You have to sleep when your body tells you too even if the nightmares are too much to handle. I not only am an emotional wreck but now I am physically falling apart.  Its almost like I am punishing myself subconciously, considering how I have felt about Jennie I really wouldn't pass it off as just my imagination.

please take of yourself

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bettespaghetti

I am trying hard to, but like you said food doesn't taste like anything much.  I know I have lost about 15 lbs already and had lost about that when I had a complete hysterectomy about 6 months ago...so I'm on the low side of what's average for being as tall as I am.  I too have a cold or something.  I do try to rest when I can, but not too easy.  Having lost the one I love has brought up everything else and the nightmares are harder to forget now that he's not there....even though we lived miles apart I could txt him a msg when they came and he would either call or send words of love and encouragement...now there's nothing....

Please take care of you the best that you can. I'll try harder...you do the same..  Deal!

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4everjoeysmom

Lostinguilt, Please, please, please take care of yourself.  If you get any worse, if not already, you may end up hospitalized whether you can afford it or not.  It sounds like you really are in bad shape.  Maybe it's self-punishment.  But maybe it's just severe depression associated with your loss and grief.  My mom is going through that right now as her husband had a series of strokes in February, (after a couple of hard strokes over the past couple of years), and now has severe vascular dimentia.  He is in a home because he basically has lost a lot of physical function and she can't care for him round the clock as he needs.  This was sudden and she has over the past couple of months lost over 30 pounds.  She finally went to the doc and got Lexipro (I think), and she says it is really taking the edge off of the severity of her depression.  I'm not an advocate for taking any drugs, but if you haven'tr talked to your doc about it already, maybe you should discuss anti-anxiety meds.  It could help you to at least not be stuck in the severity of despsir--at least allow yourself some time to get well.  Do you read much or watch movies?  I found after I lost my son and while in the deepest part of grief that mindless activity kept me occupied for a while and helped to take the edge off.  I also took a sleep aid for a couple of months until my sleep pattern stabalized.  I'm very concerned for you.  You really need some TLC, and the only one it give it is you....  Please take care...  ~Claudia

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bettespaghetti

This is three weeks now since he's been gone.  Four since I last saw him.  It still seems so unreal.  How does one go about figuring out what to do how to get through with that big gaping hole?  I still have so much trouble sleeping.  Feeling down today.  I am hoping spending the day outdoors in the sun with the kids will help get me through the day.

Bette

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lostinguilt

I am going insane here. The doc told me I had to stay in bed for a few days since I refused to go to the hospital. So I am trying to be good and not do anything but I just have too much time on my hands. So I have been reading and spacing out into the tv. Besides my ribs have been hurting to much to do anything. Shoot it even hurts to cry. (Go figure, hurts to cry, hurts not to cry) I must say the antibiotics the pain medication and the antidepressants make me sleep like a log. I almost forgot what it was like to get any real sleep. No nightmares! no dreams of any kind thankfully. I think that this slow down is kind of a good thing. At least maybe it will give me the opportunity reflect on my own situation and set some priorities and perhaps a goal or two.

The problem with being sick and wounded :? well it justs makes me miss Jennie even more. Too much time on my hands. Too much time to think about the way things were, the good and the bad, and about the way things could have and should have been. Wouldn't it be cool if we all got one do-over in this life? No I guess it wouldn't I still would wonder if I was using it for the wrong thing and probably would never use it.

I cant seem to find the words to express what I am feeling today.

Guess I am going to go to sleep again :D

Thinking of y'all

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bettespaghetti

There's a lot of days I don't know how to name what I am feeling.  I'm not numb, but the pain isn't quite so intense as it was.  I do manage a day now every now and then without bursting into tears.  I do still get teary eyed quite often.  I guess it helps some to have the kids to help keep me distracted.  My 13 yr old broke his ankle Monday so that's been the main focus of my attention.  He also has an intestinal disease and has a colostomy so you can image how much extra help he needs now that he's off balance.

Hope today is better for you and that you get better soon.  I have to work at eating and taking care of myself, but I am trying harder.  I guess my kids were getting scared because I'd lost so much weight so fast and wasn't too big to begin with.  Hang in there. 

Wishing you rest and peace

Bette

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lostinguilt

Well I am at a complete and total loss of what to do or who to be anymore. I may be seeing Jennie sooner than I thought....... Seems that the Doc doesn't think that I have pneumonia anymore, but the x-rays clearly show something sooooo.... they are talking operations and such nonsense. Thing is, I am afraid to go find out for sure. I just dont know if I still have the will to fight anything like this. Hell I dont even know what this is yet. **** I am scared. I would almost rather go and find her, but........ What  if I cant find her in the next place. what if I wait to long and she forgets me. What if.......................................... I miss her so much but I am just not ready to go yet.

It almost seems like I am being tested somehow. This test? .................I will fail. I just miss her and I am not sure if I can take many more ass kickings. In The words of Paul MCartney and John Lennon "Let it be".

Stick a fork in me I am done!!!! If you can't tell there is a little alcohol involved in this post. I have just dealt with the death of my soulmate, the wrath of my sons,  and now it seems I may be dealing with my own mortality. I am a little drunk right now. call me a coward, say what you will, but I am scared and I am dealing with this the best I can. I guess I better find me a new place to seek guidance and some understanding. I wonder if there is a "really freaking scared" forum somewhere?

thinking of yall. 

and thanks for everything.

Take care and may you all find peace in your own way and time.

I pray that I am not the goofy ass that ruins any kind of hope for anyone else but I wouldn't be posting here If I didn't feel the need.

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bettespaghetti

Oh my!  Please have yourself checked out.  It could be something, but it could be not as serious as imagined.  Either way earlier detection of things means better chances of treatment.  She would not have wanted you to not take care of yourself.  If nothing else do it for her.....

My heart aches for you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Big hugs!

 

Wishing you peace and comfort.

 

Bette

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4everjoeysmom

QUOTE:  {Thing is, I am afraid to go find out for sure.  I would almost rather go and find her, but........ What  if I cant find her in the next place. what if I wait to long and she forgets me. What if.......................................... I miss her so much but I am just not ready to go yet.

It almost seems like I am being tested somehow. This test? .................I will fail. I just miss her and I am not sure if I can take many more ass kickings.}

LOSTINGUILT, Please forgive me if I say anything here that makes you uncomfortable, but I read your post and I just can't walk away from sharing with you...  You asked some pretty hefty questions.  The thing is I think these questions are built into us.  We don't just grab them out of the air because we are going through a terrible trail in our lives.  You said it seems like you're being tested.  Who do you imagine might be testing you?  And you asked waht if you can't find her?  What if you wait too long?  What of she forgets you?  So, I would like to ask you a question to ponder?  Do you think or believe there may be a larger force than us that could hold the answer to these wuestions??  Someone who actually has the kind of power to test us on a level we cannot comprehend until tragedy strikes??  Someone who actually can control our destiny and the outcomes of health issues and so forth??  Ok!  I've asked those questions not to be antagonistic.  Please, please believe me.  It's just food for thought.  I know you asked the questions here.  But I am feeling that the questions you have are answerable, just to someone you have not asked yet...

I believe in eternity (past, present & future), in a Creator, and in Christ.  This faith I have tells me several things that give me the kind of hope that you are searching for...

1) We are eternal beings.  We do not have memory chips that are erased after death from this life.  Your wife would remember you as you have been known in this life to her, just as my son will know me as I have been known to him here.

2) We may or may not be tested through various circumstances in our lives.  However, I think each circumstance brings us an opportunity to seek something greater than ourselves.  I believe that something is God.  In those opportunities we have free will within our nature to choose to ignore or pursue.  It is a personal choice that no one can make for us or coerse us into.  Our choice in the "pursuit of us" will determine our eternity/future beyond this life.

3) We do not have to fear our future when we have the Hope of eternal life beyond this world.  Nothing or no one can take that away from us when it is freely given by grace from God.  There seem to be lots of things that can make is fear in this world.  But if we truly carry that Hope, things of this world--life, death, sickness, loss, pain, suffering, etc--can touch us and even torment us, but they cannot reduce our future beyond this life.

4) In that Hope we can know with certainty where we will be after this life.  Those gone before us are certain ot be there too if they accepted the pursuit of us and been given the goft of grace, the gift of salvation and eternal life with Christ.  So we will find them.  They will not forget us.  No amount of time will be too long...

5) There is no measure of time in eternity.  What we measure here as minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, etc...  To them that have gone before us, there is no measure like that.  When we pass from this life and enter the Kingdom of Christ for all eternity, it will seem but like a blink to those there before us the time that we have been separated.  There won't be the emotions that devastate us in this life, like fear, hurt, missing, etc...  So they don't feel that now.  We do.  That gives me some confort in knowing my son is safe and joy filled, and he is not despairing or worrying about forgetting me or wondering where I am yet.  He is going about his business of truly living the way he was designed to live, but in this world (the way it is--unredeemed) we are unable to live that way.

OK!  Yes, to someone who doesn't think about these things or believe, (and this really is only a very brief summary of a few points in my faith--a follower of Jesus Christ), that I am a nut, a fanatic, a whatever...  BUT, This Faith and This HOPE is what keeps me going, keeps me from being afraid, allows me insight into questions that otherwise would not make sense or have answers, and so on...  This faith allows me to consider how to best live what life I have here and to look forward to the perfect life beyond here that I was created to have....   I'm not saying that i don't have some regrets inlife, things I would do differently with the hindsight i now carry.  But it helps me through the dark despairing moments of this terrible pain and suffering of loss and grief.  And it does give me a beautiful, perfect Hope to hold onto in the rough times.

Whatever your spiritual/faith journey, it is yours.  I merely wanted to share a piece of mine iwth you.  You can truly take it or leave it--your personal choice.  But when someone is siffering so much as you are, the most wonderful and appropriate thing I could ever share is my faith and hope.  Without them I would be lost too.

I am praying for you, praying for the outcome of your medical condition (whatever that is), and for the restoration of your relationship with your sons.  I have been waiting between your posts to hear from you, as I care so much about how things are going for you.  I won't speak anymore to you of things you wish not to pursue.  I promise.  So, please don't feel I am trying to push anything on you.  I hate that you felt you shouldn't maybe post here.  Please keep coming back and posting as often as you want and need to.  There are people here who care, are listening, and definitely praying for you.  Hugs & Hope, Claudia 

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sunkenspirits

LostInGuilt,

I have been where you are. I suffer from various health problems and have been at the level of fear that you are describing. It's hard for other people to understand that fear without experiencing it. A few years ago when a friend tried to commit suicide, versus facing the doctor, I didn't get it either. But once you are in that situation, it seems hopeless. I know. I've been so caught up in the what could be, that I was literally one step from stepping off a building top.

I didn't want to find out about my own problems. I avoided the doctor like the plague, but was finally forced into taking action. And what I found out, like my friend ultimately did (when his attempt failed), was not nearly as bad as what my mind perceived. And the same may be true for you. There are a lot of things that can show up on an x-ray that may not be as bad as your imagination is making it out to be. It could be something benign. I have such a spot in my lung that they found out was not anything serious. And think of how much better you will feel knowing that.

If it is something bad, then you will eventually be forced to find out. It's far better to find out early where you can be treated than later when you can't. I know it seems hard, but the mind is particularly good at finding strength in these times and even though it seems like you wouldn't want to fight, you will. We all have that survival instinct. But think of it this way, the chance of it being bad is far, far slimmer than the chance of it being okay.

I wish you the best of luck my friend and you are welcome to PM me. I know it can be extremely difficult. I do know that there is a forum that is dedicated to anxiety problems. This is not the one I was thinking of, but this one seems to be good too:

http://www.anxietyforum.net/

Please let us know how you are getitng along. Being alone is the hardest thing and you do have people out there that have been where you are and care to not see others in deep pain from fear.

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lostinguilt

Well I am better now. I coudnt take the pressure the fear and the insecurity so I hopped on my scooter and went for a two day ride. Sure blew the cobwebs out of my head. I stink, my body hurts but my mind  is CLEAR. I had almost forgotten what it was like to get in the wind and just let go of the the world and BE. Simple existance, the sound of the wind the road and my motor. No fear, no questions, no regrets, no remorse, no GUILT.

My last post, now that I read it,  seems a little desperate and I think I must have been very close to, if not in the middle of, a breakdown of somekind. This is the kind of thing I was talking about before. I have never been the kind of person that needed a lot of hand holding and??? whats the word ?? well, outside help. I have always been so strong and independant. But after I lost Jennie, the way it happened, all of the circumstances leading up to her death, and everything that has transpired since, seem to have me second guessing my every move.

To be honest I dont think I have ever felt this insecure about myself. Even as a pimply faced short scrawney nerdy teenager I felt more sure about myself then than I do now. Maybe that is a lot of the problem????   

I am still afraid to go and see the doc again but I know I have to and I will next week. Scared stiff I guess would be a better way to put it. You ever wonder what it feels like to be a deer caught in the headlights? I think I am pretty close to that. Its almost like the relief of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and then finding out that it is really a freight train hurtling down the tracks at you. Makes me want to jump on my scooter again and just ride away.

thank you all for the replies.

Claudia, I do know about faith I was raised in a very religious family I went to school as a young adult to become a minister, and yes most of my questions are plainly answered by the Christian faith. Sometimes, I almost wish I still held the faith, but I lost mine a long time ago. So, I will not pursue this train of thought any further except to say hold on to yours. Maybe down the road we can talk of it sometime but right now I couldn't give you a rational discusion about any kind of faith base.

 

Well that was way deeper than I was expecting to go with this today. I just want all of you to know that I am ok, still freaking out, but ok. I havn't done anything really stupid, well it seems like I am doing a lot of really stupid things all of the time, just nothing dangerously stupid :/ 

thinking of y'all

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bettespaghetti

Lost,

 

I am so glad you are going to do something to take steps to take care of you.  I too haven't needed a lot of hand holding.  Heck, I went through having my daughter's dad try to end my life with his bare hands with just me and the kids and not only lived to tell the story, but face the man every other weekend.  That seems like a walk in the park compared to having lost the man I loved. 

I wish there were something any of us could say or do to help make it easier, but there isn't.  Just know you are not alone and we're here to lend an ear/eye and moral support as people who are in the boat with you!

Peace and comfort to you!

Bette

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4everjoeysmom

LIG, I second what Bette said.  Just know we are here for you...

The scooter escape sounds like a very pleasant dream.  I'm glad it gave you a little relief from the track you were on.  When I read your last lines of your post, I couldn't help thinking about my own son, who actually was literally run over and killed by a freight train.  When I think of that light, I have to immediately think of the light of Glory to replace that thought that would otherwise drive me insane to dwell on.  I certainly can relate in how getting lost in those kinds of thoughts can bring on the despair.  What I hope for most for you is healing and restoration, within yourself and with your boys.  You are never far from my thoughts and remain in my prayers.

Hugs, Claudia

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lostinguilt

Claudia...... I am so sorry

My intentions were not to injure someone else with my own self doubt. I am still just a mass of confusion and pain and I sure dont want to make anyone else have to feel the same. I am glad that you have the faith to look forward and to the more positive.

 I know it has been a while since I posted. The last few weeks have been very crazy and unsettling. The exploratory surgery went well, I guess???? I am not going to get into details but it could be worse. So I am ok with the lot handed me at the moment. To put it vaguely, I have a long row to hoe ahead of me.

This day is one of the roughest days I have had since I found out Jennie was gone. This is the day we met. I woke up this morning so emotional and so out of sorts. Its like I spent all night with the nightmares again. I woke up crying, I dont know why, other than I miss her. This one song just keeps playing over and over in my head it is a great song but, it just makes me so melancholy. I dont know if you have ever heard it but it is "Here without you" by 3 Doors down. Really dont know how to go about this day. Purposeless.

One good thing did come out of me going in for surgery. My sons are now speaking to me again. We still have a lot of work to do but I think they are starting to understand that I was just trying to protect them from the harsh reality of our situation. maybe not perhaps they are just learning to accept the things that were and things that are. I dont know. It really doesn't really matter. I am just grateful for the chance to be Dad again. Is that selfish?????? sure sounds selfish when I write it.

Well look here I think I just found a little purpose.

I won't get to see them today but just the thought is something to hold on to. But then again If I think about it too much it just gets me wondering, why? Did you know that those boys are the only thing that helped me keep it together when me and Jennie were having so much trouble? They were everything I worked for when I didnt think I could make it another day without Jennie. All through the rehabs the feelings inadequacy the divorce and all the fallout the the divorce caused, they were my reason. Now that I have completely lost Jennie it seems I have lost my reasons and the love of my boys. Oh they are still there and I love them dearly but they will never return to the closeness that we used to have.

Shoot there I go again. I just cant keep up with this.

My emotions are just on a rampage today.

Wish I could go riding today. I tried a couple of days ago but I am still in a little too much pain for all of that. besides I made my 'wounds' bleed again.   

I just want to say thank you for being there for me.

all of you

thinkin of yall

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lostinguilt

My heart is breaking all over again today. I just wish I could put my feelings plainly.

It is like there is some kind of short circuit between my heart and my brain. I think that all is going to be ok one day and the next it is like I am on the brink of disaster. If only I could find a noble raft that would keep me afloat against the waves of pain and guilt. I have slipped into my own personal darkness again. In my mind the logic is irrefutable "it is not my fault" I could not prevent this thing from happening to you. But my heart, my broken and torn heart refuses to accept the logic and insists that I could have done...........something more. Even one more hour or one more day or month or year could have made the difference. Maybe? just one more rehab or the right counselor just one more embrace. Then my mind tells me "you spent the better part of three years trying to bring her back from her own destruction feel satisfied that you did all you could". Perhaps it is the manner in which she was taken. The horror and violence of it all. Maybe just maybe that is why I am having such a rough time with my choices and moving through this blackness. My physicians, and I use that term loosely,  tell me that one of my biggest reasons for my "issues" now are that I never really dealt with losing her the first time. I really cannot fathom this as I was almost as much of a wreck then as I am now. The biggest difference from then to now is that I used to have .......... hope. Hope for some kind of a future with Jennie. Hope for her ability to heal herself. Hope for my broken heart. I guess it could be called denial????? But it was hope. Now in this life I have no such hope. My only hope now is for some kind of a new beginning. Something new and alien without ties to the past. That hope is at this moment unthinkable as the past is more concrete to me than the present.

"Here Without You"

3 Doors Down

A hundred days have made me older

Since the last time that I saw your pretty face

A thousand lies have made me colder

And I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles that separate

Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'

As the people leave their way to say hello

I've heard this life is overrated

But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go

It gets hard but it wont take away my love

And when the last one falls

When it's all said and done

It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl its only you and me

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4everjoeysmom

LIG, I'm so sorry the anniversary day and these following have you feeling so down and without hope.  I can understand and relate...  It's so final and no going back, except in memories and forward in wishes of how things might have been if only this or that...  It's nor,al and common to feel all of those things as part of "coming to terms" with the new life that includes catastrophic loss.  I was grateful to read that your boys are in touch again.  You may feel now like you will never be connected with them as deeply as you once were, But life might surprise you in a good way and you may find yourself even closer.  I know that as I finally grew up and let go of a lot of issues of my younger days with my folks, I came into a deeper relationship with them.  As your boys mature, they will begin to understand more and more what you went through, how you tried to protect them, and how much they mean to you.  The way you wrote about them and share...  It's so obvious.  And they will feel that too as they begin to come to terms with things and begin the healing journey.  Healing and restoration between the three of you...  That is my prayer, and I pray that it can become a new kind of hope for your journey that will slowly ease the pain of having lost your old hope.  Blessings and peace for this moment, Claudia

P.s.  Your earlier post did not hurt or offend me in any way.  I was just sharing a thought and my heart.  I'm sorry it made you think that you struck a cord.  Truly I have come to terms with everything regarding my loss, and I am on the healing track.  I still cry too and I think there will always be very deep scars, but the edges of the tear in my heart certainly are not as sharp as they once were.  I can breathe now without feeling like my heart will burst.  You will too one day...

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LIG i went thru the same exact feelings recently as i lost mother june 6th 2007 and recently well you understand -

 

it hurts so much doesnt it - i am sorry - for me taking my depression meds is the only thing that helps me to stay sane - i take dexedrine a third of one of those a day - if any 1 wants to ask their dr for them thats what i take they sure do help me - i am not saying to take meds but if any 1 wants to that seems to be the best i have found

without my meds i cry all night long and cant sleep and am a mess - with my meds i stay focused on good things mostly and get things done around the house that i need to and then i am tired enough to rest at night  

they have saved my life without them i didnt want to live - when she first left me here thats what kept me going was the meds - for a whole year thats what i did to stay alive and then after stopping them for a bit i can see that i need them again - and have recently started them up again

thank God for the pills - thats all i can say -- without them i dont think i would still be here thats how it was for me -

 

 

 

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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