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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
kelly

hard choices = no peace

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I have never posted on a any type of forum before and my circumstances make it even more difficult to find a category to post under. So please forgive me if I wander and am in the wrong place.

Around December I received a phone call from my ex-wife's mother telling me that she has disappeared. I really didn't think to much of it as that is one of the many reasons we were divorced. She used to sort of walk away from her family and the people that loved her on a regular basis (not for long, but long enough to make us worry). The holidays were when she would usually take off. She liked to party, a lot. That was another reason why we divorced.

The truth of it is that was the only reason we divorced. Our sons were small and I just could not help her stay away from the damn dope. I tried everything I knew how to do. I literally sat on her to keep her from going out and getting more drugs. I tried rehab, the whole tough love thing, interventions, everything, It had gotten to the point where I felt the boys were in danger.

I feel like I am giving the wrong impression. She loved her children very much. She wasn't purposely hurting anyone(oh hell there I am making excuses again) but she had an addiction that she couldn't control. I love Jennie so much she is my first love, the mother of my children and my only true love. But now she is gone. I had always hoped that someday she would find the strength to quit the drugs and come back home.

I had to make the choice to take the kids and leave. I know it was the right choice. I had to basically throw away one of the few things that made me a person, Jennie. And in the process I feel like I am almost as responsible for her death as the punk that killed her and buried her in his basement. I know I have heard all of the crap from the "people that know" I shouldn't feel guilty, I shouldn't be second guessing my decision as a father.

But I am. I am angry, I am hurt, and I doubt I will ever feel any peace whatsoever. I feel like if I would have held on just a little longer she wouldn't have gone so far off of the deep end with the drugs. She could, what am I saying shoulda coulda woulda isn't going to change anything.

Oh yeah! that basement thing, that was a complete shock to me too. It was, a drug deal gone wrong, according to the authorities.

Where can I find the ability to deal this guilt, this anger I cant even sleep at night without dreaming of her. I wish they were nice dreams but they are not . it is like living through a bad horror movie that won't ever end.

I made the right decision for my sons right, who knows now they wont know how much she really did love them all they have now is hearsay.

oh @#$^ I really really hurt

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I am grateful for your reply. I really never expected anyone to be able to reply to my post. I am looking for some kind of therapy or at the very least a support group that will help me deal with my issues.

In all reallity, today I am just numb and empty.

I do know that it is not my fault, I know that I did all that I personally could.

Emotionally, knowledge just cant touch the power of the feelings that just tear me up. Sometimes the feelings are so strong and ...............random?..... indescribable.

Today there is a little respite  and I am grateful.

sometimes I guess it just helps to vent. And then to find someone who actually listened, well that is just an unexpected kindness.

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aurora   

Lost in Guilt,Somebody will always answer you on BI. There is a forum for violent deaths on BI. I can only imagine what you are going through. There are just no words that would really describe it. Life deals us some nasty blows and somehow we are left to pick up the pieces though none of us can figure out why we were chosen for the role.We wind up in a" club" we never thought we would be in. It sounds like you are still in shock. Be very gentle with yourself and take good care of yourself while you go through this time. Do you have friends or family that who will listen to you or help you get through this time? A support group would be helpful if you can find one. It is good to vent so all of that doesn't stay inside of you or come back to bite you later. People talk above waves of feelings and emotions that come. Keep letting them out. Try to look at the beauty of the spring around you to help heal your heart. Light a candle for Jennie and try to remember the good times you once shared and not the end. I know that is hard to do. It took me about a year and a half to start coming out of it a bit and start moving back towards life instead of looking the other way. Everyone has their own way of grieving and you must do it in your own time and your own pace. Take care!

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Trembling I write my dream, and recollect

A fearful vision at the midnight hour;

So late, Death o'er me spread his sable wings,

Painted with fancies of malignant power!

Let others draw from smiling skies their theme,

And tell of climes that boast unfading light,

I draw a darker scene, replete with gloom,

I sing the horrors of the House of Night.

......

Phillip Freneau

The House of Night

It was a dark dark day.

I have dealt with grief and sorrow over the loss of a loved one before. I lost my Mother, my Grandmother, and a close Aunt all in the same week, each passed two days apart. It has been several years since that fateful week. Needless to say I still miss them and on occasion go through the emotional flare-ups. I expect it, and would probably question my humanity if I didn't go through them.

But...

This massive feeling of complete and total loss that I am going through right now is something else. I woke up this morning, after my nightmare ridden 3-4 hours of sleep, to go to work, didn't shower, shave, eat, or do anything I normally would do. I get into my car and start for work...... three and a half hours later I found myself a little over 200 miles away, in the wrong direction, crying my eyes out and just completely exhausted.

what is going on? I can't....... I just can't.

Still very weepy, and I am afraid to fall asleep. I had to force myself to come online and try to express some of this.....? anger, fear, guilt, sorrow? maybe I should call it fanguilo. It feels like I am feeling them all, all at one time. I am so overwhelmed.

I have tried reading a lot of posts on this site and everyone seems so very understanding. A lot of posts make some good points and give a little hope and support to anyone who needs it. I just cant find the reasons to keep trying. Does any of this really mattter? I dont think it does. What purpose could any of the things I have ever done, or ever will do possibly have?

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aurora   

LostinGuilt,What a beautiful poem!

 

You are feeling ALL of those emotions that you mentioned. Grief, shock, numbness, anger,guilt,all kinds of jumbled emotions are "normal" after what you have gone through. Murder has to be the worst kind of death there is by far. I don't think I could cope with it. I would say do anything you have to do to get through this whether by therapy and/or antidepressants for awhile. It is just way too BIG to handle alone. There is a saying, the best way out is always through. Feel your emotions and keep working through them so they will not become repressed and bite you later in life. The goal is to eventually see this as part of your life story and move past it to life once again. If you can find an appropriate support group, that would really help. People that are experiencing "normal" grief from losing people in a "normal" way of illness might not understand what you are going through. That has been my experience with suicide. People are horrified by it and can't get away fast enough. If you live in a big city, your chances of finding help are pretty good as more resources are available. Try writing your feelings out on paper and then burn the pages or shred them to let go. Try drawing or painting to put a face on your grief. You don't have to be an artist. Listen to relaxing music and try meditating to find peace. It may take awhile as your emotions are so raw and new at this time. Be gentle with yourself and realize you can't do it all in one day. If you've had enough in a day stop. Take very good care of yourself right now. Write letters to Jennie, light a candle for her or plant something in her memory. Try to hold on to anything with meaning and purpose in your life-it is your lifeline. Take Care!

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I wish I could express everything I need to express.

If there was a single expression to describe the feelings of what its like to lose someone, it would be of such powerful language that it would be outlawed. Perhaps it would have to be under some kind of government restriction like hand guns, nuclear weapons or prescription drugs. Such a declaration in public would bring out emotions so strong in people, perpetual disarray would ignite like wildfire.

Everything would be at hazard. Nothing would be sacred, or safe. There would be great torment. The air would be filled with a great flood of tears and wailing. Every breath of air would become noxious and unbearable. Starvation would be rampant due to lack of interest. All that was familiar would be gone or unrecognizable.

Thanks again Aurora.

You are unfortunately right about the support group thing I live in a small town and there is nothing. just the people that are avoiding me already because I make them depressed. So I am talking to my doc on the morrow and in the meantime I write, and cry, and get angry and write some more.

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I am wondering why

During the midst of my “shock” over the untimely death of my soul-mate. I have discovered that some of the people I thought were friends are actually some very sadistic and and uncaring individuals. I have this “friend” that told me I should just unload my baggage and get on with the ritual of living. Not bad advice; much easier said than done, but really not bad advice. This same person told me that I could unload some of it on them, cool right?.......... NOT........ While I was 'trying' to explain how I was feeling they would interrupt me with little tidbits like; “You know she was bad for you” and “you are better off without her, thats why you divorced her right?” or “Its a good thing that the boys will never know what she was really like. With all of the drugs she did there is no telling how them boys would have turned out”.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!

of all the.......

Who says things like that?

Why would anyone even think that that was some kind of consolation or even the slightest bit truthful. I felt like someone hit me in the chest with a sledgehammer or something. Almost instantaneously anxiety overwhelmed me and I was on the floor wishing I could just join my lady.

Oh they were all helpful and consoling when I was lying on the floor drowning in pain and anger. Or maybe it was because they thought they might have killed me or something. Who knows.

This was someone who I have trusted for a long time.

I am still wondering WHY would any one say things like that.

This is just a little bit to fresh to be stomping all over it.

At least I know who my friends are.

Also....

I am certain however that, I am not ready to give up. I dont know why but I some how feel that no matter how small, I still have purpose and I will always love Jennie with all of my heart. I may feel guilty about the circumstances of her death, and I will always wonder if somehow I might not have been able to do, or see, or be, just a little bit more of the person she needed she might just still be alive and here with me and the boys. maybe just maybe we all could live in this perfect world that we have been convinced that we deserve.? What a funny word, deserve......

deserve: to be worthy

(to be worthy of what?)

Did I derserve to be put through this hell?

Did my sons?

Did Jennie,? most of all did Jennie deserve this hell.

No!!!...... Not only no but hell no. Why did it happen then? was it fate? was it written? was it a lesson me and mine needed to learn before we could move on? Was it some other power? I dont know and right now I dont care. It still hurts it doesn't matter, it still really really really hurts............................................

Aurora,

I really must thank you again for reading my tirades and my venting. I really dont know your circumstances but I pray that you can find or have found your peace.

I myself, I know that I am absolutely insane. I have slept perhaps 5 hours in the last 10 days. I also know that this little epiphany I am having at the moment will be gone tommorrow and I will feel just as guilty and as angry and sad as I have for the last 3 months, but, today (I emphasize TODAY) I feel like there is hope and we are all going to be better people  for our pain. (what doesn't kill me makes me stronger).

Love you AURORA.

I dont really like this 'club' we have joined but

I would be nowhere without you all.

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doug42   

lostinguilt..i know the pain you are feeling..its hurts bad..but talking is what helped me..i was never the type to tell anyone my problems before i was thrown into this hell...but something inside of me told me that if i dont let it out, i will go insane...you are doing the right thing...keep writing down your thoughts, even if its a sentance or two...it really will start to make a difference...this is an awesome site...we are all here for you...doug42

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Aurora I am so sorry. I cant imagine the emotional issues. Of course that is not saying much I cant even fathom what is happening to my own self. life has taken on a strange color these days. Nothing makes too much sense anymore. I guess I am just trying to find answers to the wrong questions or something.

Thanks for the encouragement doug. All I seem to have right now is writing.

I was right about my sudden life altering realization yesterday. Today my sons and I were supposed to spend some time together at the jazz festival. I was looking forward to getting out and seeing some new faces for a change. They both needed to talk apparently, because they told me that they didn't want to go but, would stick around the house with me. Well that's good enough for me I love it when we get to spend time together.

They really needed to vent! Again I was hit hard (just as hard as yesterday) as they were letting me know how very angry they were with me for not telling them about their mothers "problems", and why I didn't try to help her instead of throwing her away. At first I became angry. I didn't say anything but I was angry. I don't know why I didn't tell them all of the details about why their mother and I had to split up. Just too painful I guess? I sat there and listened without saying much, I just didn't have any way of defending myself. It never dawned on me that they would blame me as much as I do myself. They are hurting too, I realized this after a little while and just let them vent. I understand most of what they trying to say but.................. whew. This is where it gets hard..........I tried to tell them that I love her, that I love them, and it was ok........................I know that they are probably going through some of the same issues but, I just am broken, broken heart, broken spirit, just broken. When I offered them the love and tried to let them know.................They just told me they hated me and they are going out.....................................

I just cant write anymore right now ...

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aurora   

Lostinguilt, wow! I can really feel your pain! I don't even know what to say to the torment you are going through! Perhaps family therapy??In grief it seems like you get over one hurdle and another is waiting. It's almost never ending. That is a large issue to deal with with kids.  I know many people that has happened to. I hope you will be able to keep your family together. Thinking of you........

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Lostinguilt, I have been reading, but frankly havn't felt qualified to share anything...  but after reading your pain and anguish following the exchanges with your sons, I just felt so sad for what you are feeling.  Anger, while a natural part of the grieving process, can be so devastating when it is misplaced.  The boys are suffering a huge loss too, a mother with whom now all dreams or hopes they may have had of having a normal kind of mom-son relationship are gone.  It's easier for them to be able to express their anger towards a target--as it is with most of us.  They probably have some anger or resentment toward their mother and her past behaviors that prohibited her from being the kind of mother they needed and wanted, but to express anger toward her now that she is gone--well, for one she isn't a tangible target and for another maybe there is a feeling of sacredness in those who have passed even though circumstances make this situation a very complicated grief.  I feel as if I'm tripping over my tongue in tryng to put to words what my heart is discerning.  I guess in a nutshell, as broken as you are right now, I pray that you hold onto hope in knowing that your boys don't really hate you.  They are just trying to process everything and nothing makes sense, and for them right now the easiest release of emotion is anger.  I think it's fair to say that most of us have experienced in one direction or another misplaced anger.  The emotion is real and we have to let it out so it doesn't corrupt our very core.  But many times where and how it's released is against those we love dearly and are closest too because we can feel safe and secure enough in the relationship to let our colors fly.  Maybe I don't know...  but it just seems like the heat of emotion is at its core of intensity right now with many things being said that aren't meant.  From what you have shared, you obviously have been doing your very best under all circumstances past and present.  You have always had their safety and best interest at heart, no matter how difficult and heartwrenching the decisions you've made have been for you personally and intimately.  They need some time to work it out in their hearts and minds, and all you can really do is just be there for them--the same loving, caring, nurturing dad you have always been.  The core of who you are hasn't changed.  It's the circumstances surrounding you that have changed.  And learning to move through the circumstances is a challenge that I pray in time you and your boys will be able to work through "together".  I'm so sorry for your pain and anguish.  Please hold onto hope that the goodness and love that has sustained you and the boys thus far will continue to carry you through the depths of this loss and onward.....   ~Claudia

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Thanks Claudia I know that they were just reaching for something or someone. For the moment we are all ok. I think? I am not so sure that their anger is so misplaced. I have not been completely honest with my sons about their mother and now it is coming back to bite me in the butt. I honestly thought that Jennie and I would have the chance to explain it to them together, later..........

I went to the doc on monday he put me on some pretty heavy anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. Probably shouldn't be sharing that one but I have already about bared my soul to y'all anyway.  I doubt I will be taking them very long as they make me feel like a zombie. I would rather feel everything all at once than nothing at all.

I have to admit now that I am looking at this situation from a overly medicated perspective. I think I am going to have to get some extra help on this one. My entire life I have always been the strong one in the family. Always have I been there when anybody needed me. Even when my Mother, Grandmother and Aunt passed away I was one of the few that kept everything together that week and handled most of the arrangements. I was still upset and needed my time to cope but I was still able to function normally, whatever that means???  Now I cant eat, sleep, think,... or do anything unless I am so medicated I cant feel anything. Is this how addiction starts?       ........That question right there scares me.

I think I am done with the meds. I have to just find a different way.

thinking about y'all and take care now.

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Lostinguilt, Yeah!  Do please be careful on the meds.  I think anti-anxiety drugs to take the edge off when it's overwhelming and unbearable are ok for a time.  But like you said, you don;t want to become addicted.  Addiction does begin a lot of times by substituting drugs as a coping mechanism instead of facing things head on--running away, so to speak, into the abyss of zombie-ness.  But the fact that you are "aware" of what the drugs can do and want to be cautious speaks volumes.  You are still in control of choosing the drug rather than it controlling you.  I agree that seeing a counselor would be a really good thing for you, and I do hope you can find one that you feel comfortable with.  There is a lot of stuff you could use some help with in flushing out.  And maybe your boys would agree to go (as a family) for a time once you get settled into one you like--individually as well would be good for them as they too are having some deeper issues to cope with in addition to the loss.

You mentioned their anger may NOT be misdirected and why, but I still believe what you chose to hold back for the time being was strictly in their best interest.  Don't fault yourself for hoping at the time that thaings would come to a place where you and Jen could have addressed it together with the boys.  I'm sure she hoped for that too in times when she had control of her thoughts.  But it sounds like a lot of the time she didn't, and it was your responsibility to do what you thought was right at the time--and you did.  After some time I believe your boys will be able to see that and recognze it for an act of love and wanting to protect them vs something malicious and premeditated to hurt them.  If they could see it on that kind of scale, I think they would clearly choose to believe that your actions were out of love for them.  The saddest part of all of this is the finality in terms of Jennie's role in helping them come to terms with the history of events, how it all unfolded and how things got to be where they are now.  I'm sure they (and you) have worked hard to cut through issues of abandonment, and now this just makes it so permanent--abandonment to the "enth degree", and that's so hard to deal with, because you can't take it up and discuss it with the one who has hurt you.  I think you and your boys need help getting through this part of the journey if you are unable to talk through with one another.  Something like this can root very deeply, not to say that it hasn't already--but you can survive this and be healthy on the other side of the journey.  It will just take some hard work and time, lots of love and compassion, patience and understanding--because each one of you has been deeply affected and hurt.  There is not one of you that doesn't carry deep scars inside and out.

I believe you can do this.  It's by far the toughest journey you have ever faced, true.  But you are a man of strong character.  You are a man who loves with all of your heart and strength.  LOVE is a tremendous conquerer and will prevail.  It never dies.  Take care of you first, so that you can regain some strength and confidence, and then stand firm in love and do whatever is necessary to get your boys through if and when you can.  If you are fallen apart it will be hard to offer them hope by your own example.  They are looking at you, toward you, because you are the one solid foundation they have known.  They need assurance and security in knowing that foundation still stands.  This tragedy certainly has rocked the foundation of your lives, but it does not have to destroy it.  I hope and pray that strength and wisdom find you and that you are protected from falling off of the foundation.  The hardest thing from here is the journey, but you can't get to the other side where the healing begins until you walk through the wilderness first.  It's painful, no doubt.  BUT you guys can do this TOGETHER.  Keep posting as you can if that helps, because there are definitely those if us here who care very much...   ~Claudia

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"The following are some simple suggestions to help you move on with your New Year, to find a new sense of grace and perhaps a new you. There are ways to move on with dignity, to give up that person you have lost without anger, and to find a loving way of letting yourself move on. Use this New Year to present yourself with a new way of living!"

By I forget who already

I just read this on the home page and it sort of?....... pisses me off. My goal? is NOT to give up that person with dignity, or not, or anger, grace or even moving on. This kind of psycho- babble is exactly what makes people lose who they are and give up altogether.

This is like the same crap! I hear all of the time. Its not!!! about moving on, or letting go, its about coming to terms with the life! and the lose of such, in whatever circumstances. I am so sick of people telling me how it should be and how I should be feeling. (If you haven't guessed I visited the counselor today, what a freaking joke, )Why would I want tips or help to feel the way that someone else thinks I should. I FEEL!!!!!!!!! bad, guilty, sorrow, loss, just plain hurt, why would I want to let someone project their feelings on me? my feelings are who I am and why I am who I am. (**** I can barely make sense of that statement). In the wise words of Claudia I am tripping all over my tongue.

I think that I am just a little bit selfish here but, these are MY feelings and I feel the way that I feel. period! Meds suck, councilors suck, hell life sucks. It seems like we exist just to die. Why? What purpose could that ever serve?....................Oh yeah I did do something positive today. I went and got tattooed. My avatar? well, that is now on my calf, just a small memorial of my fallen angel and her personal hell. And no more meds. I sure hope that y'all can stand all of my venting, this seems to be the only thing that lets me sleep at night.

I miss her, her voice , her breath in my ear, the touch, the joy of discovery together, the arguments and confrontation, the good times the bad times, just to know that she was there was enough, I miss every minute of it. Why did I have to let her go???????

Now I don't even have a choice.

Shoot.........

I just plain miss her being a part of me.

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Geez yeah!  That sounded like something from Dr Phil or someone...  I could never have adopted that philosophy, and I'm not exactly sure who it's directed to, but it certainly doesn't fit here.  But, my friend, Lostinguilt, don't dwell on the statements and idiocies that burn your temper.  They are a dime a dozen out there for sure, and if I swallowed every morsel that came my way, I would have died from hopelessness in humanity myself.  Someone actually had the odacity to say to me that if they lost their only child, they would not cry.  They would just "go ahead"... whatever the H that meant.  And I was pretty ticked off--I vowed to not ever talk about serious personal issues again with that friend, and I really haven't since.

I'm really sorry to hear the counselor visit was a bust.  I know other people, many actually, who tried a few different counselors before they found one that they could relate with.  Obviously this one wasn't right, and/or maybe the timing is off.  You are the best judge of that, even though you don't feel together in your thoughts right now.  Don't give up on yourself, whatever it takes.  And it's easy to throw away hope in humanity and any kind of future.  It's a real fight, BUT it's worth the energy to fight if you can just muster putting one foot in front of the other, one breath after the next for a while--because looking to tomorrow, next week, next month--all of that is just downright overwhelming for a while in these early times of loss.  It's a horrible, stinking nightmare you are in the middle of, and dang it all if I know of any "cure".  I ride my waves too and wish sometimes that any part of it would make sense.  But what I call "the Missing", I know where you are with that.  You just want to cast a line and reel in the yesterdays to just hear her voice, see her face, smell her, touch her... to stop the tomorrow from ever coming...   I wish I could do or say something that could bring you some comfort or relief in this agony.  I really do...  I am so sorry for your pain...  I wish for you some rest and peace of mind, just a glimmer of hope to say that you made it through this many days and hours, and you can make it through some more...  Hoping for you....  ~Claudia

P.s.  She will ALWAYS be a part of you...

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I am so alone!

There is nothing left. My sons have left to live with grandparents and i am alone absolutly alone. I don't guess I can blame them for wanting to leave but there was always hope.

 

I think I have chased off everyone that I have ever cared about. Jennie's parents have been great, superficialy,  through all of this but somehow I feel like they are wanting to see me fall because................they feel I am resposible for her death. Or they somehow feel that I could have saved her somehow??????????  Her parents are part of the group that assured me that leaving her was the best thing for her? Now I wonder. They sure have been cold lately. Is it just me?

Or are they wanting me to go through the same pain and loss that Jennie felt when I took the boys from her?

I know I am not thinking very clear right now so maybe this is all in my head and everything is going to be ok tommorrow........or maybe not, I am just lost and wondering is this for the best? Could I have been so mislead that I couldn't see for myself what really needed to be done. Am I just that selfish?

Somehow I feel Like I should be around them on and about Mothers day. I just don't know what to to think anymore. I just hurt. It feels like I have lost everything because I couldn't think on my own.

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.........thank you Claudia!

I must have read over your previous post 8 or 9 times.

I understand that what you are saying is true.........in my heart however, I just cant seem to get past the 'ownership'? logically it all makes sense but emotionally........nothing makes sense. What funny animals we are.

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aurora   

lostinguilt, I don't think we intentionally chase people out of our lives after a death. I think it's other people's choices how they react to us. By association, whatever. They are the ones that are uncomfortable with us. They don't know what to say,they are in their own safe little worlds and don't want to be touched by another's pain,they are afraid the same thing could happen to them by knowing us-who knows? The world is basically absurd. You really find out who cares when the chips are down.

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Lostinguilt, Most everyone that experiences a catastrophic loss feels anger, guilt, confusion and so many of the things you feel.  It would be no surprise if Jen's parents also felt these things in their own way.  Maybe they just feel "wierd" right now, because seeing you reminds them of the "what might have been's".  It's natural they would have these feelings, and over time perhaps they will warm up again.  They too need their private time to grieve the loss of their child.  One thing I learned from the perspective of a grieving parent is that you not only lose the adult child.  You also lose the child they were and every stage in between.  You grieve it all.  I did.  And many others I know have.  I think because you weigh heavily with your own guilt, it's easy to misinterpret and imagine others are feeling negatively toward you personally when truthfully they too are most likely just trying to cope as well as they can and they haven't quite figured out how to do that.  Your sons, I believe, just need some space to objectively work through their grief and emotions.  They too are caught in the "what might have been's", so it seems, when they think of your role in all of this.  Maybe they do blame you right now.  But remember this, when grieving people go through anger, it is easier to deal with and hurdle that emotion when you have an object to release upon.  As I said before, they may not feel comfortable releasing anger at their mom's memory, because it is usually felt there is something sacred about the state of those who have gone.  I also believe their emotions will shift in time and you will have the opportunity to share life with them again.  Everyone is just grieving so hard right now.  You're all mourning, and that takes a lot of energy.  It sounds like no one really has the strength to help anyone else through or to figure out how, yet all of you are touched by each other in all of this and you all feel each other's hurts.  It's overwhelming.  It's a very hard place to be, and I pray this distance won't last long.  Right now you have to focus on your well being and what it is going to take to get YOU through this.  Once you are growing toward healthy outlooks on life again, your boys will likely feel more comfortable.  They may fear for you as well, thay maybe you can't handle their issues right now.  One note is that they may be afraid of "losing you" too, so they are backpeddling away to avoid that hurt.  It's kind of an oxymoron in motion, if you will, but also a very natural protective instinct.  It's all speculation at this point, but some very real possibilities.  If you can, try not to let your imagination move into paranoia in terms of what everyone else is saying, thinking, feeling, acting, etc.  Focus on YOU and your pain, and your survival in the moment.  It's all any of us can do when so much is out of our control.  Hoping and sending prayers your way, ~Claudia

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Well this has been a tough week! I won't go into any great detail but it seems that I have just forgotten how to function altogether. Almost seems like all of my emotions have taken over and there is nothing left of my rational side. I cant seem to get anything done..... shoot, I cant seem to get anything started. Its like trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together with half of the pieces missing. Bills are late, it seems like I am always late for work, I lose everything in plain sight,

speaking of losing things I was talking to my sister on my cellphone the other day. We were just having a light conversation, kind of avoiding the grief, when she asked me if I had somebody's phone number. I told her that I had it but I would have to look it up. No problem right? .............. wrong! for the next ten or fifteen minutes I was muttering under my breath and tossing things around, basically making a big fuss. After a while of this, while I was talking to my sister, she asked me what the heck was my problem? Why was I fussing so much? Well by this time I was extremely frustrated and I just yelled at her............. I CAN'T FIND MY STUPID PHONE!!!!

She laughed so hard she peed her pants.

It was funny in a way but that is how everything is going right now. I am just barely hanging on and everything that I used to understand I cant make sense of anymore.

thinking of y'all

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Where to begin?  I lost my boyfriend unexpectedly May 3rd.  Talk about shock.  It still seems so unreal.  I have a very messed up back ground to begin with and it almost seems as if everything that happened before was easier to deal with than losing him.  It's been just over two weeks and I still cry alot.  I hadn't had much experience with grief and loss and I'd only experienced two deaths close to me and those were so many years ago and nothing like this.  I'm with the train of thought that even though well meaning people suggest counselling, well, I just can't go and talk to someone I don't know about things they probably have never experienced and have them tell me how I should feel or what I should do.  That just seems absurd.  Not to mention I am a single mom of three, and it's an expense I just cannot afford.  I keep hearing it gets better with time, but I don't know it anything "gets better".  Maybe we accept, deal with, push aside, but get better?  There's nothing anyone can do to make losing my love better!!! 

So many emotions and thoughts and not sure how to deal with them, work through them, express them.....  I've been a mess the past two weeks and am struggling to manage. 

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Lostinguilt. I have started to post to you several times, and then I just erase it and pray some more.  My heart is so burdened for what you are going through.  You may feel like you are losing your mind, but disorganization is one of those things that comes so strongly to attack us in our early grief.  After almost 2 years I am still trying to muster up motivation and organized thoughts for more than 15 minutes at a time.  I don;t mean that as a dicouraging point.  I just mean to say that you are not alone in what you are feeling and what is happening to you as a result.  I have many, many times been in the middle of doing or saying something (usually at really crucial times) and have completely lost my faculties.  I just stand there, empty-headed, stammering and finally just ask for forgiveness, but i cannot remember what I was saying or doing.  Usually that's a segway into sharing why I am now like this, which also leads me into sharing about my faith.  But it happens...  we just drift into some land of forgetfulness and disarray.  It feels like we won;t come back sometimes.  And maybe secretly we wish we wouldn't at some of the hardest points.  But we are not crazy or losing it.  We're just grieving....

Thinking of you and praying for you and your boys, ~Claudia

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Bette, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can't say it gets better...  After almost 2 years beyond the death of my son I still have pain like nothing I have ever known.  It seems like there is nothing that could even come close.  For me, I no longer have the constant shortness of breath and chest pains I had in the beginning, and the raging sea of overwhelming emotions so mixed up I didn't know whether I would survive.  If I could have lay down and died, I probably would have, just from my broken heart.  But in time the waves come and go.  When they come in, they are strong still, but they don't last on and on like in the beginning.  It's like a sharp dagger becoming dull around the edges in time.  I don;t know how else to describe it.  Two weeks is just no time at all.  I don;t know how long I was in shock and despair, but it was much longer than 2 weeks.  I know having children to care for compounds your ability to openly grieve and just be what you need to be and do what you need to do in the moment.  I don't know if you have friends or relatives nearby that can give you a hand with the kids once in a while so you have alone time...?  You have to do whatever you need to in order to take care of you--survival...   Keep coming to Bi and post or read if you find that helpful.  One thing we can offer here is the sense that you are not alone in your grief.  There are many hurting souls here that find comfort in journeying together in understanding and compassion towards one another when the world around us seems to not notice.  I hope you can find a connection here that is helpful and encouraging, in time.  Hopeful, Claudia (JoeysMom) 

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I do wish I could have taken some time from work and everything and just felt what I felt and then try to manage from there, but being the only one my kids have I couldn't do that.  My family lives in Arizona and California and I am in Missouri.  I don't have many friends that could take the kids for more than a day (now one friend did take them while I attended Roger's visitation and funeral).  That was 24 hrs and I came home to chaos.  That made things much worse.  It's been one thing after another since he died.  I got rear ended on my way to work last Wednesday and that just stirred things up more.  Now my disabled son is unwell and I am trying my best to hold it all together.  I do seem to go longer periods of time without crying, but stay pretty teary more often than not.  I am a sensitive person to begin with and find that I am even more so now.

Just so many feelings, thoughts, things and just me to handle it and it all is just too much sometimes.  I would love, at times, to crawl into bed and just stay there, but can't do that either.

I do appreciate the kind words, thoughts, prayers and I am hoping that being here and reading and interacting with others in my shoes (though I am saddened that so many are in our shoes) that I will be abled to function better and not get over, but get through this...

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I'm having a really awful time.  I was holding it together, sort of, today and then just fell apart.  I find myself going to the neighbors so I don't have to watch my son talk to his girlfriend.  It's sooooo hard!!  My kids probably think I've lost my mind.  I'm so tired of having to "be strong" and handle everything all the time on my own!!!  I have survived being molested as a child, raped as a young adult and my daughter's dad trying to end my life!  I've reached the limit of what I'm "strong" enough to handle and don't know how to make my way through this.  How can I resent my son and his relationship?  It doesn't feel right but it's how I feel.  I'm sobbing as I sit here typing this because I feel guilty, hurt, angry...alone. 

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