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Need desperate help in dealing with sister


randibear

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:(  I am desperate and in need of advice.  My mother is dying and is on oxygen, feeding tube and morphine.  She has congestive heart failure, pneumonia, and her lungs are full of blood clots.

She fell in January and broke her arm.  She got mrsa, systemic yeast, pneumonia, you name it, in the hospital.  She has been hospitalized 3-4 times since then.

My sisters called in March and said she was dying so I went home.  I stayed several weeks with her in the nursing home where she returned from the hospital because she improved.  She was lucid and looked good.

She deteriorated after I left and 2 weeks ago they called again and said come home.  I said I was comfortable with my decision to stay in Texas and had good memories of mom.  I went home at Christmas for a month and always stayed for several months over the summer.

Mom is still holding on but my sisters called Monday and said she was dying again.  My husband and I agreed that we would drive up for the funeral.  Well it's been a week and she still is holding on.

I can live with my decision to remain here in Texas and I want to remember Mom as I last saw her, not hooked up to machines and on morphine.

My one sister called and really bawled me out for not coming home.  She asked what was wrong with me, what kind of person was I, I was going to feel quilty for the rest of my life.  Then she started saying it was all my husband's fault and I should tell him off.  She became very abusive so i told her I had to go and hung up.

My other family members accept my decision and say it's up to me, but they don't understand it.

I talked to mom daily long distance and she often told me that she would go for weeks without anybody coming by or calling.  So I don't feel they should be throwing stones at me.

I'm comfortable with my decision and know I saw mom as often as I could and talked to her every day.

How can I deal with this?  My husband is getting furious with my family.  I really need some help.

 

 

 

 

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I'm so sorry about your mom and understand your difficult decision..........but................I would trade anything to have one more moment with my mom.......one more moment for her to hear my voice or possibly be lucid enough to see me.  When you lose your mom............even one moment is extremely precious.

I would also think that maybe your sister doesn't want to get through this difficult time alone and is looking for you to be there with her now.  She's probably facing quite a few difficult decisions.

Whatever you decide is going to be the right one for you and you alone.  No one is in your shoes right now during this difficult time.  I was just broaching it from the perspective of someone who has recently lost her mom.......and wishes for that one moment again.

Good luck and again, I'm so sorry.

J.

 

 

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Randibear -  First I want to also say how sorry I am for your situation.  And I also think that your sister may be overreacting because she can't accept what's happening and is consumed with anger.  Your post makes me feel that you are comfortable with your choice and I think that is of much more importance that what others are feeling.  Being in contact with your mom by phone - have you mentioned that you aren't able to be with her physically and gotten how she is feeling on this???  Please try not to let the anger of your sister cause you or your husband to be angry in return.  I honestly feel you have made a decision that is better than what many others would expect.  I have always made known that I would much rather remember a loved one in a state of health than hospitalized...and even tho many others don't follow that thought I wanted to let you know your decision is shared by others.  Do try to visit your mom as you would do if she weren't in this condition, but otherwise hold on to what you believe is right for you.  Take care!

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Thank you very much for your support.  Mom is in a drug induced sort of sleep, she was in a coma previously.  She was without oxygen for a while so my three sisters are not really sure how much she understands or even if she does.

My two sisters are accepting of my decision but this one sister is not.  She has always been very controlling; however, things are a mess in her life.  She is married to a wifebeater and her son and two children live with them.  Her son is an alcoholic and her daughter is a druggie.  Her husband treats the grandchildren horrible.  So her life is a mess.  She recently declared bankrupty for $186 grand, the court settled things, but she's now 9 grand back in the hole.

I worked for a  long time as a mortuary officer with the air force.  I assisted in the settlement of estates for the military so I'm very familiar with what families go through and the grieving process.

I guess I accepted in January when I left and before she fell that something was terribly wrong.  She was completely lucid then but I could tell her health was failing rapidly.  She fell two days after I got home.

I don't want to remember her unconscious, suffering, doped up, thin and all bruised up from iv's with tubes everywhere.  I want to remember her as I saw her in March, still griping and feisty, and talking about her beloved cats.

I guess this is my way of coping, to stay in Texas and not face the final moments.  I have my memories and I don't want my last ones to be of her suffering and pain.

 

 

 

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