A Box Full of Pictures

[Guest AngelRays22]

Hi, everyone. My name is Lindsay. I'm new here.

I guess I'm not really sure how to address this topic...

I lost my father to a long battle with cancer when I was ten years old. I'm now 19, so it will be ten years in July.

My mother recently gave me a box full of pictures that my father kept over his lifetime. It's taken me a couple weeks to get through, but it's taken me on this emotional roller coaster. My father was a great man who saw many great things in his life and while going through all of his pictures, I can't stop crying. Seeing all these pictures has left me with this feeling of.....unimportance, I guess you could say. He met so many people, went so many places, I feel as though I was a very small and insignificant part of his otherwise grand life. I have this feeling of jealousy. I'm seeing all these unfamiliar faces next to him in pictures and I'm jealous that they had the chance to know him better than I ever will.....

I catch myself daydreaming, thinking about all the decisions I've made up until now and if he would be proud of any of them or just shake his head in disapproval.

He was my best friend and I wonder if he thought the same of me.

I wasn't old enough to know what questions to ask him....How to get to know him better as my father and now I know I'll never get some of those questions answered.

I've cried, mourned over his death before, but not like this. I came home today from classes and just broke down in tears. Why now? It's been ten years, why is this just now hitting me? I went looking through that box of pictures to learn more about him....And it's only left me more broken hearted than before....

I appreciate any kind words you can offer me. It means so much.

-Lindsay

[blujonny]

Hi Lindsay, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. My father passed away 2 years ago, I've been on this board along with others for just a short while now. Possibly you're having some obvious difficulty with all the emotional disturbance of what's happened to you, as well as the drama of it all. It can't be easy. We all have our different stories on here to tell but somehow grief is familiar to all of us it seems. You might find, like myself, that most members here on this site have a lot of empathy for our unique grief situations and continue to check up to see how we're doing. It's a valuable feeling and it's a bonus to being here. Beyond that, it's figuring out how to feel after all of this and possibly discovering a way to know what to do from here somehow. I wonder if we ever feel in control of it. This feeling of loss. Maybe we wonder how can we feel some kind of reassurance after all of this? It hurts and it's uncomfortable. What do we want to talk about, what don't we? Can we talk through the pain? How can talking help? How do we find the time to grieve properly? I suppose sometimes it's hard to know what you need or want most at this point going forward.

Blujonny

[NCL]

Hi Lindsay, I don't know much about grieving, it's been only almost four months since mom passed. But I read other post by a young girl who lost her mom when she was young as you, and someone replied saying, that when you are a child you can't possibly comprehend what death means. So as you are growing, the pain and grieving appear again when you are ready to process it and maybe understand it. I guess it makes sense. I send you a hug!