Happy Birthday Dad...I need your guidance

[Stewey005]

Hi,

It feels strange for me to be writing here. Sometimes I just come on the forums and read what other people say and it makes me feel better just knowing that other people are out there going through what I'm growing through.

Tax Day. Today is my Dad's birthday. He was an accountant too, as well as a professor, which is kind of funny.

He died this September. After a really long battle with prostate cancer. He was 60. Today he would be 61. I'm 26. My sister is 23. My brother's 16.

I think about him every day. Not the way I used to, thankfully. Those first few months, the first thing I would think of when I got up in the morning was that my dad was dead, and that thought would hollow me out. Now, I just think about how proud he was of me and that powers me through. He was such a great dad and a great guy. I try not to think about how much he suffered and how hard he tried to live. If there was anyone able to have willed cancer out of existence it was him. The worst part is that the last few days before he died, he was so confused that he couldn't talk anymore and he loved to talk. So many of his friends came to visit him in those final days and a lot of them commented on how strange it was to see him so quiet. I think about his oncologists occasionally and how much I hate them. How they encouraged him to do a clinical trial that ultimately stopped working for him. I think they should have stepped in when it stopped working and figured something else out. By the time he died he couldn't even do anymore chemo because his body had developed such a strong resistance to it.

Everything is so hard now. I'm so worried about my brother. He talks back to my mom and is mean to her all the time. And the sweetness he had about him is gone. When my dad was dying my mom asked my brother to help her move him (my dad was 6'2 so he was still heavy even when he lost a lot of weight from the chemo). And my dad was scared because he was confused and he didn't know who my brother was. And then the dog ran into the room and attacked my brother because he thought he was hurting my dad and my dad fell and they couldn't get him back up. I can't imagine what that must have done to him. After he died, I never saw my brother cry once. But I can't get the image of my brother's face when he came downstairs to see that my dad was dead. Pure terror. His grades are really bad now too and I'm so afraid that he won't get into college because that's always been a goal of his and all of the other children went. Is there anyone on here that lost a dad that is a male? I don't know what to tell him or how to help.

I just wish that there was a male person who would show some interest in stepping up but not try to be his dad. One of my dad's friends told my mom that my dad was there for him when his dad died and that he would like to be my brothers 'dad.' He and his wife were never able to have any kids of their own and I can't help but think that while he was trying to help, there was part of him that was maybe coming from a place of selfishness. I dunno. Maybe I'm just angry.

My dad's brother is an addict/conman. The day after his funeral, he texted one of my dad's friends and asked him for $5,000 so his home doesn't foreclosed on 'before I get money from my brother's estate.' This was a lie. Also, my dad gave him the house, which they grew up in, for free. It was completely paid off and my uncle took out a mortgage on it to buy drugs. Although I do blame the bank because he hasn't had a job in years so how exactly did they think they were going to get paid back? My uncle sold some property that was jointly owned with my dad's estate, him, and their cousins and kept all of the money. I discovered that he is also receiving my grandmother's pension (she died two years ago) somehow and had previously impersonated my grandfather (who also died from prostate cancer 12 years ago). I don't know what to do because I feel like I should tell someone, especially about the joint property and the pension. But I feel unprotected without my dad. I'm afraid that if I go after him he will come and kill the rest of my family since we don't have my dad to protect us and he clearly will do anything to feed his habit. But I look up on the internet every day to see if he has died.

I wish my dad were here to tell me how to pick up the pieces.

[dsmurph]

It sounds like your Dad was a wonderful man. I'm sorry for your loss. Has your Mom tried to get some sort of counseling for your brother? There is a lot that you can do legally to stop your Uncle. He is breaking the law by committing fraud amongst others. You can turn him in and explain your fears to the police. Think of what your Dad would have done and try to walk in his shoes or possibly go talk to a close professional friend of his. Give your Brother a lot of love. He seems really lost right now and is not as mature as you. I'm sure your Dad is proud of you. Hang in there.

[StillGrievingToday]

Wow you have a lot on your shoulders at such a young age. It reminds me of my grandfather. His dad died when he was young and he had to step up and be the man in the family and look after his four sisters. He gave up medical school to become a post office employee.

Losing a parent stinks. Try to be a role model for your brother. He does need guidance at such a young age. I am the baby in the family and look to my sisters now. Don't know what I would do without them.

[Lostwithoutmum]

Sorry for your loss. The experience must be truly traumatic for all your family, and for your brother. It's the hardest thing on earth to helplessly watch the decline of the most special people in our lives, then lose them...

It's a pity that your brother is not doing well in his studies (although I don't blame him) but going to college could help him cope, don't you think?

You sound like an intelligent young and caring woman, and I am sure that your support will help him loads. You don't have to be a male person, you can still be his rock, his role model, seriously....But I do understand you wishing your dad were with you to fix it all, because it is our parents who did..they are the ones we want to run to when we are down - and get their advice, some sympathy and encouragement - or just feel their hug, or be comforted by their presence...

Just think about what your dad would have said or done - and go for it.

Take care

[Stewey005]

Hi Guys,

Thank you so much for all of your kind words. Since a few people asked, my mother did initially attempt to get my brother into some sort of counseling but he was very resistant. He went for about a month but would basically just speak as little as possible, which is a change for him because he used to be very chatty. But I discussed with her maybe trying again now that some time has passed.

Other than that, I am just going to have to take things one step at a time. I have been getting dinner with my mother and brother every weekend and I think it has helped, although it does feel so weird with just the three of us. And I haven't been able to go back to a few of our family's favorite places.

I am hoping that the first year is the worst of it. I still find it so hard when I go places and people ask about my father because he was such a friendly person he connected with people all over the place. I also find it very difficult to explain logistical stuff to people I am not close with that involves his death, and I'm not sure how that is supposed to go? For example, I am in grad school and I missed class on his birthday because I just needed a mental health day and I had to tell one of my professors, who was super understanding about it, and now I just feel really awkward around him.

Still haven't really figured out what to do about my uncle. But right now I'm just trying to figure out where he is....Yikes.

But thanks so much to everyone who responded!