I am so sad and don't know who to turn to

[laurabluize]

Hi everyone. I just found this forum and joined because I read some other posts that sound the same way I am feeling. I guess I will begin by telling you about my dad's story. It is hard to relive it by writing this, but I wanted to share it with anyone who would like to hear it.

My dad (Denny) had been battling with end-stage liver disease for over eleven years. Since the transplant list in Colorado was very long and slow moving, my dad was referred to Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. As my dad got sicker and sicker, his score still remained the same. We knew he needed a new liver asap. It was very hard to watch my dad suffer so much. My dad has always had a positive outlook on life, even through all the pain and suffering. He would never complain about his illness. My dad enjoyed helping out others. He would collect canned food and donations outside for those less fortunate. He also would insist on having his grandchildren over to play all day long even on his worst days. He would never miss an ice skating lesson either. My dad never let any of these obstacles get the best of him. He remained happy and positive throughout the many years of suffering. He is and will always be my hero! Finally in June of 2011 he was #1 on the transplant list, he was in the best shape physically and mentally. While in Atlanta my dad became seriously ill after taking a bad fall the day before his scheduled surgery. He was hospitalized and deactivated from the transplant list and sent back to Colorado to heal. We didn't think he would get called again for the transplant, but The transplant team called my dad on Friday February 18th 2012 and was told he was #1 again and to be in Atlanta by Tuesday the 21st of February 2012. Our family was happy, nervous, shocked. We new this was it! My dad was going to come home with a new liver! On February 27th, a donor gave my dad the gift of life. He recieved a new liver. The next day, he was like a new man. It was truly AMAZING! He was talking and he looked great. Then, about 3 days later something went wrong. The bile duct came apart and he had to have it rebuilt in a 2nd surgery. He then had trouble getting the bleeding to stop. He has been in ICU for 3 days and til the doctors saw an improvement. We were all shocked that this was happening. My mom, brother and I stayed at the hospital for hours and hours and days. Just when we thought he was improving, the doctors found internal bleeding and had to try and stop it so they performed a 3rd surgery and he was back in ICU again. We thought for sure there could be no more complications at that point. But yes, there were. He was rushed into the OR for a 4th surgery. The doctors found internal bleeding again and were able to stop it. After that last surgery his vitals were all very good and in very stable condition. He was so extremely weak. My dad's blood levels were going up, his toxicity going down. Moving from the bed to the chair and back to the bed multiple times a day to start building strength back. His color was coming back. All the doctors were amazed that he had made it. They called him "The marathon man" After months of physical therapy, we were on our way back home to Colorado. It was the happiest time for our family and friends. Unfortunatley the happiness would not last very long .

My dad continued his rehab and he was working out at the gym every day. He had a couple rough days, but overall he was well on his way to a normal life. His immune system was low because of all the medications he had to take daily for life. While at the gym he banged his leg on a piece of equiptment. He started having multiple complications for a few months after banging his leg. It appeared he had some horrible reactions to the antibiotics needed to heal his wounded leg. It got to a point where even the doctors were baffled as to why he was getting so sick making it hard for them to help him. To make a long story short, my mom and I got a phone call on Christmas Eve. The woman on the phone said to me, “Your father is dying." I was in shock!! We called the ambulance and had him admitted into The University of Colorado Hospital. While in the ICU, we were told my dad had 24-48 hours to live and had to make a decision to either try to keep him going which would involve many more moments of suffering or to simply be put out of the pain and to end it in comfort. It was the hardest day/moment of our lives. My dad asked me to please let him go. I wanted to say NO dad, but that wouldn't have been fair of me. So we allowed him to make his own courageous decision. He was suffering too much. So I said goodbye and let him go. We took our turns one by one saying our goodbyes. They then moved my dad to the 12th floor of the hospital. (A floor reserved for minor illnesses and falls). We stayed by his side in a nice room with a view of the mountains bringing him anything he wanted, making him as comfortable as possible. My dad’s birthday was New Year’s Eve so we threw a party for him in his hospital room, with cake, music, crystals & movies. The doctors were all so shocked that my dad was still here with a strong pulse, perfect vitals but still a failing liver and kidneys. I truly believe that we were given that extra time for the beautiful reason of family connection as his sisters even got a chance to fly in from California & New Jersey. He was surrounded by so much LOVE, family, and peace. We laughed, we cried, we told stories, we watched movies and played his favorite musical albums. He even had a large Quartz cluster at the foot of his bed brightening up the room with a lovely vibration. It was great! He was almost able to communicate with us up until his final hours. He was not scared or worried about passing but instead comfortable and ready for his adventure ahead of him. We told him how many people were sending prayers to him online and he’d smile knowing that his friends all were thinking of him. As painful as it was to watch him fade away slowly each day we stayed there day & night and had slumber parties to pass the time as joyful as possible. My brother and I never left his side. We wanted to be with him when he passed over. My brother went outside for 5 minutes (as he was drawing "Denny Lane" in the snow) my dad passed away with only me by his side on (1/11/13) at 6pm a day that brought a peaceful blizzard of snow out of nowhere. From the 12^th Floor overlooking the Rockies it was a spectacle. Our dad was a true fighter and never gave up, he made a courageous decision knowing that he had nothing but suffering ahead for himself and his family. He was full of LOVE and compassion, he was extremely generous and was a very hard worker all of his life. He was a special soul and touched so many lives. We are so lucky to have had him as our dad.

My dad was my best friend. We saw each other everyday. I sometimes think that because we were so close, this has made his death so much harder. He was a loving dad, husband, papa, and friend to many. His life was about PEACE, LOVE and COMPASSION. He lived a life of kindness and generosity and aimed to inspire others to live the same way. He encouraged my brother and myself to follow our dreams and always supported us. He was a wonderful husband who was happily married to our mom for 36 years

I am not quite sure how to use this forum yet, but I will try my best. I will make a post next on what is going on in my family's lives since my dad is gone. It is just me, my older brother, and my mom (who suffers from depression, anxiety, substance abuse, attempted suicide) left. I never imagined that life could get much worse, but everyday is a struggle.

Thank you all for reading this long post.

[mariemb]

Hi Laura,

Thank you for sharing your dad's amazing life story with us, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss. My dad as well just passed away a couple of weeks ago. Well, actually, almost my whole immediate family has passed away in 11 months.

Anyways, I'm new here too, and I don't know how to use the forum to a perfection as of yet lol.. but sharing our stories is ( I think ) what helps us all to relate more.. to understand and to cope.

M.

[laurabluize]

Hi Marie,

I am so so sorry for your losses. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes. It does help to know others are going through this too. Although I don't wish this upon anyone. This is my first loss ever, and happened to be the closest person to me other than my kids. I don't even think I have grieved yet. Taking care of my mom has become my life. I wish you happiness in time to come. Thank you for your reply. This seems like a very good site.

Laura

[mariemb]

Hi

Life being unfair.. tell me about it. I've questioned God so many times what is it exactly that he's doing up there? Or why did they all have to leave me behind in such a short amount of time..

I was the closest to my grandmom, she was basically my mom since I was a year old ( I'm 25)... after my grandfather passed away, I became her primary caregiver... So I understand what It feels like to have your mom be your No. 1 concern ( after your children I imagine, I don't have kids yet )

... The advice I can give to you having a similar story, is to cry whenever you need to, but to try and be strong for your momma. Laugh with her, bring her back when she seems to drift off in sadness. My grandparents were married for 66 years, so I always thought " dear Lord, if I'm feeling this sadness, this hole and incomplete in my life, I can't imagine what she's going through" , she was in a wheel chair, and she had a very bad stroke 10 years before her passing, so she couldn't do anything for her self, ( except hide her food from my grandpa in her napkin, it was hilarious to witness, especially when my grandfather knew what she was doing, but just laughed ), her speech wasn't very understandable either... so It was like taking care of a child. Be there for her, but also be there for yourself.. don't get too wrapped up in being concerned for everybody else to a point where you forget about your sadness. Grieve, it's you're right to grieve, he was your father, an amazing, amazing man.

M.

[mariemb]

Oops, I'm 27 sorry lol , but I feel like I'm 25