Grief – Am I doing this right?

[missmydaddy]

I'm gonna start by saying I can't sleep, I've just written this down and didn't know what to do with it. When I have an idea I can't stop myself so I'm sorry how it reads and I'm sorry if it's stupid and I sound like an idiot. I don't have anyone to really speak to so writing things helps me understand. sorry it's so long..

Everyone grieves at some point in their life and it just so happens that I am grieving and I think I have been for a long time. I suppose there is no right or wrong way because everyone grieves differently so I can't be going wrong, but I'll explain what I mean.

Obviously there are people who grieve inwardly and like to keep it to themselves. I have no problem with this and everyone should be able to deal with a loss in their own way. Personally, although I’m not overly obvious with my grief and I don’t pour my feelings or emotions out to anyone who will listen, I do worry that people will forget my loss, my Dad and I do like to talk about what happened because it makes it feel real.

This, in fact, is one reason why I question grief. I have two immediate family members who don’t speak about our loss. My Mum and I have had chats since December but maybe only a couple but my brother hasn’t said anything about what happened since the funeral. I’d love to be able to speak about it, I’d love to know that someone feels the same way as me and understands how much it hurts but can I just bring it up? Am I meant to be respectful and keep quiet because that’s what they’ve done? If I ignore the issue like I feel they’ve been doing, is that being sensitive to the way they are grieving or am I stopping myself from getting on with my own process?

Although inside I feel upset and angry I don’t cry all the time and haven’t done since the funeral. I’ll cry at odd times when something triggers a memory or I remember the morning it happened but generally I’ve felt okay about it because it doesn't crop up very often. There are two possibilities that I see for this which again, makes me question my grief… am I doing this right? Shouldn’t I be upset and moody and awkward around people because I lost someone so important from my life? Maybe I don’t get upset because like I mentioned, the loss isn’t something that is openly talked about at home. It feels like ‘normal’, like nothing happened, although a big chunk of life is missing. But in terms of daily routine and life, everything has gone back to how it was for us personally before it happened. Is this why I don’t feel the need to cry all the time although I’m desperately hurting inside?

The other explanation is that actually, my grief started a long, long time ago and now I'm in acceptance. I think to understand how long ago would mean to have lived my (my brothers, my Mums) life with me (us) since I was young (I'm 25). Is it possible to always know the inevitable is going to happen and therefore grief starts years before the loss occurs? Knowing when I was little that my Dad was very poorly and almost died a few times never prepared me for how/what happened but that chance of it happening at any point was always there. It often crossed my mind and I often visualised what would happen. The past two years I suppose were even worse, in that the hospital visits were constant, the illnesses more often nearly losing him in 2011 was an eye opener and hit my internal panic button. Is this when I started grieving?

I often think of myself as a realist. I’m optimistic but I have to think realistically otherwise I’ll find myself disappointed more often than I like to think. I guess I knew that when, two years ago, I almost lost my Dad, that there would never be a full recovery and I needed to prepare for the inevitable. Of course, when rehabilitation happened and walking was almost achieved, along with speaking, eating and almost a normal daily routine, I sort of hoped that things would go back to normal but inside I must have known.

When the Liverpool Care Pathway was brought up and we were told about our options, back in November after his health deteriorated, I accepted it. I cried, obviously, I probably cried more for him before he passed than afterwards. I tried to cry in private, I didn’t like people seeing that it upset me and I certainly didn’t cry infront of Dad. I grieved, I suppose, for the loss that was about to happen. I knew it wouldn’t go back to normal and I had to spend every moment I could with him, as upsetting as it was. The whole hospital period when we were told he wasn’t going to ever recover was almost two months. Two months of knowing, waiting and preparing. It was two years ago that he had his big stroke to ‘end all strokes’ (he had many) and around 20 years ago that he first became ill, poorly and depressed and tried to kill himself before having his first major stroke and many years of problems.

When I think back to that day in December, it crushes me. It’s not something I like to think about because it makes it real and it scares me and I’m not surprised that no-one else wants to talk about it. It’s one thing that will set me off straight away. When, however, I think back to my Dad and his entire life, I feel almost fine. Have I accepted it or am I avoiding what’s happened in the long run?

I genuinely don’t know if this is what grief feels like. It feels normal, it feels like I’ve lost someone but it’s in the back of my mind and I feel like it’s not real all in one. I’m genuinely confused because I don’t know if this is it. Or are there other stages that I’ll face or have to overcome or has it not even hit me yet, four months later?

I would love to be able to speak to my immediate family but I can’t face bringing up something they may be purposely avoiding. I’d like to know whether how I’m feeling is normal (or abnormal) and I’d like to know what other people went through when they lost someone they loved and were terribly close to. I know I've read sites stating that there's no set way or stage or time period but I'm seriously confused. Is this it now? Is he gone and forgotten by everyone accept me and am I condemned to keep quiet about it forever?

I’m pretty sure I’m grieving, I just don’t know if I’m doing it right?

[tiffanycrash]

First I would like to say Im very sorry for your loss...to start off with nothing about your post was stupid an you did not sound like an idiot.. When you dont have answers or know the answers you try and seek them. But if you never ask you will never know. I am new to this site and my grief is still pretty fresh Im sure there are others that have walked this road before us an can offer beter insight.

You are grieving the right way for you. No one else will grieve the way you do. I was prepared when my father passed away meaning we knew months in advance he wasn't going to beat the cancer. I grieved before he passed. I cried like I had already lost him. Hospice said that was normal sometimes people do that. Not saying I didn't cry when he passed away but for lack of better words I was at peace with his death and I was able to accept it. Now with my mom we had no time to prepare. I'm still in the angry denial an shock stage if you can go through all of those at the same time. I still feel like shes on vacation an she'll be back soon. In my head I know I'm wrong in my heart vacation seems better than death. No one can tell you how to grieve people go through different stages at different times. I don't cry all the time I have days where its all I think about an all i can do is cry, then I have day where I'm ok. Sometimes I just see something have a good cry and then I'm done for the day. Other days I can see something that reminds me of her and it brings a smile to my face. Just because you don't cry all the time doesn't mean you are doing something wrong.

As far as your mother and brother if its bothering you that they are not talking about him maybe you could just try an bring him up in conversation. Oh you're making that for dinner that was dads favorite meal. I went by the park an it reminded me of when I was little an dad use to...I saw a shirt in the department store an it reminded me of the shirt dad always wore....maybe they are afraid to bring him up infront of you. They may take cues from you. My friends do. If they call and I don't talk about my mom or dad neither do they but if I need to talk about them they listen an talk with me but I lead the conversation. Maybe that's what your mom and brother needs, for you to lead them.

For me ...Ive been posting here and reading others journey of grief...its easier for me that way...sometimes I get so wrapped up in grieving for other people I forget about my grief if that makes since...

[lamp]

I am very sorry for your loss. I feel your pain because my situation is very similar. My dad died almost 3 months ago after a long, long battle with emphysema, congestive heart failure and a host of other issues. I often wonder if I'm doing grief "right" as you say. My mom has dealt w/his illnesses a very long time, up close and personal, so in a lot of ways, she has stopped grieving and is moving very much forward. In fact, she's pestering me to get things done, but right now, I'm feeling stuck. Frozen. My sister -- well, I don't know how she's doing because we haven't had a heart-to-heart talk in a few weeks now. She's busy w/work as am I, plus I have a big family to raise. If only the merry-go-round would stop, so we could grieve. My husband is under the delusion I'm normal, because I appear to be, but really, I'm winging it most of the time. He has not been very supportive at all. I just try to get through each day by the grit of my teeth, feeling like a zombie most days. I guess the point of this reply to you is, you must grieve at your own pace in your own way. There is no right or wrong. We are all different so it stands to reason the way we grieve would be different as well.

Peace be with you.

[mariemb]

missmydaddy:

I'm deeply sorry that your daddy went through so much for so long, and even more so for your loss.

I was raised by my grandparents, and my father, since I was practically born. So my grandmother was like my mom, and my grandfather like another dad.

When my grandfather passed away, I was in shock. I had seem him very weak for a couple of weeks, and I knew that it was something that was going to eventually happen. But his death was so so very hard. He was always the leader, the strong and opinionated one in the family, the head of the household, stubborn but with a heart of Gold. After his death, the way I coped was by "being strong" like eeeeverybody wanted me to be, for my grandmother, father, and an aunty who is special needs and she's 64. I felt the pain, I felt my heart break into pieces.. but I just kept on walking. I did talk to certain family members about my grandfather, and it helped me go into a more " this is really happening" [dream state], because that's how I felt, like I was dreaming but only partially, does that make any sense?

4 months after loosing one of my rocks in life, I lost my other rock, my grandmother. I felt more at peace with her death, because I knew she wanted to go with my grandfather. They were married for 66 years, and we all knew that she was going to be the next one to leave, and soon. So when she did, my "dream state" evaporated, and I entered reality. They were both gone, in just 4 months, my "parents" had died, and I was left behind. I was mad at them for leaving me behind, because I took care of them 24/7 for 5 years when my grandfather became ill ( i'm 27), I've always lived here, but the around the clock caring didn't happen until 2007 or so.. so I was just plain mad, I always wondered if they were Ok, if they needed anything, I used to yell at them and at the sky " why did you leave me behind!?".. but then the anger started to come down a little bit... until my dad passed away 2 weeks ago.

They're all gone. In less than 11 months, they all left me behind. I'm not angry ( as of yet ) , I'm shocked, heart broken, and confused.. so, so confused. I try to keep busy, and I try not to over think things when it comes to them... although it's inevitable.

My friends only mention everything that has happened if I say something.. if I don't mention anything, they won't say anything. So maybe, just maybe your family doesn't know what to do? Or how to approach you?. There is NO WRONG WAY of grieving, this I will tell you. I was "ready" for her to pass away ( and I quote that because no one is ever ready, we just think about it a little bit more than usual, so in the end, it doesn't take us by surprise like if it were a death of a super healthy person or a young one ) This is just the way how you are taking inn things. yes, your confused, as well as me, and a bunch more out there, it's normal, it's all ( I think ) part of it... Keep writing, it really does help... maybe when you feel it's the right time, you can show your mom or your brother what you have been writing? just let them know how you feel, and that you respect how they are grieving, but that you are grieving as well, and you would like for them to understand you a little bit better on how it is that you're doing it.

Hope you had a better today..

M.