Please help, I feel so lost without her.

[Kenk]

Well the police report is a whole lot of nothing. It's just the incident report of the first officer there. I thought it was a little strange that the brother would arrive and be there before the police. But maybe it was treated as a medical call first, even though she had been long deceased. It did say the case was still active though. Maybe the corrections I gave to the timeline will help.

With today being her birthday, I decided to make her a book (she preferred made gifts) about what I love about her. I even went to Office Depot and made it all pretty. I'm a horrible artist but I think she would have liked it.

I also decided to have lunch at her site. Sort of like meeting her for lunch like we enjoyed to do so much. It is so difficult to "talk" to her now. I wish I knew why. But I read my book, I got a birthday card too. I put the lyrics to the beatles song "I will" at the end. I couldn't sing it to her, too difficult.

As I was about to read the birthday card, her brother and his wife showed up. The brother is the most rational, sane one in the family. We all had a good talk. The custody case started today. I told him I hoped to not be dragged into it as I wouldn't be good to either side. I told him my worries and concerns, we traded stories. And they seemed to appreciate my book. They wanted to show the father so I accepted.

I did forget to read the birthday card though. But, he seemed certain she loved me. He said that whenever they talked she would say she wanted to marry me or get a house together. And he said I was a father to the kids more in the 2 years than he ever saw the ex being. It was a nice thought.

Though the stories he had of how happy she was with me were a little dated, so it doesn't provide complete comfort. They were all from roughly a year ago.

On the way home my girlfriends father called. He invited me to a little gathering at their house to celebrate her life. A pizza party since she would have liked that. The brother, his wife, and her parents will be there. I'm not sure about the sister. I know it sounds bad, but I will have a much better time, and be more relaxed if she isn't around. It'd be more like swimming in a pool with sharks if she was there.

[Kenk]

The sister was there, but I never really had to talk to her and everyone else made an effort to include me. The brothers in-laws (they were there too). Are incredibly nice people, they've been the most sympathetic people out of that bunch, in person. And I only meet them 2-3 times when she was alive.

But they all gave me their approval tonight. Said I helped her in ways they couldn't, that I was always there for her. And that they wished she met me before the ex. The sister left early of course, coincidence?

On another down note, the note I gave her to put in my girlfriends jacket was not in there. I think it's likely that my letter in the day of the funeral never made it either

I was the last one to leave tonight. I think they enjoyed having me over. We tried to figure out what happened some more, I think they are leaning more towards my theory. And I'm happy to say they do plan on fighting the suicide judgement once the custody over the kids has been decided.

I can't say I feel any better though. I miss her. I mentioned to the parents that its difficult losing the love of your life, they gave the old you'll find someone and be happy eventually speech. Even after I brought up my afterlife scenarios. Their daughter was unique, they know that. Is it such a stretch that I won't ever be as happy as I was with her?

I just wish people would understand.

[Kenk]

Anyway, I went over her house yesterday. The parents gave me her jacket and a box of stuff to go through. There is one drawing missing though. It was of me, her, her kids and a baby she was holding. At the bottom it said you are part of my family ken. I took a picture last Wednesday. It's not that I'd mind them keeping it, I'd just like it framed so it won't deteriorate.

They also had me watch a Father's Day video she made years ago. And we tried to log in on her computer, no luck yet. Then we started to put a timeline together.

The big question is what happened on Friday. I was off work that day, but I had a tough time getting a hold of her. Her kids had friends over all day and at some point in the early evening she left them. Her parents got home and nobody knew where she went. She came back and said she just went down the road. Either means to the gas station or over to her old bosses house. He's a jerk. He called the weekend before asking her to come over and drink, telling her he has fantasies about her. She said she never did anything with him, but who knows what happened that day. I think it's fairly likely she got alcohol from him.

The case for the kids is not going well. The law is sort of weird in that you can be a deadbeat dad who never helps, but it favors you anyway. Go figure.

[Kenk]

Finally recovered some email today.

2 things of note. 1 was a correspondence from a guy that bought her $300 worth of lottery tickets and probably alcohol in exchange for hopefully nothing.

The other was some emails from a "friend" in Virginia. This friend had also been screwed over by the ex according to my girlfriend. I decided to email him, hopefully find out the nature of their relationship and if he knows anything. So far he just seems to think he was another in a long line of people to let her down, because he had a choice to make.

My guess is she brought up the idea of him moving her up there. She wouldn't have actually done this. I'm positive of that, but it does make me wonder if she had doubts about us, any thoughts?

[Kenk]

So the guy called today, much friendlier this time. It was a big deal over nothing.

Also had my counseling, she's still overmatched I think.

I noticed a missed call from My girlfriends mom when I got outside. She was already drunk of course, and her husband was downtown because the sister was driving my girlfriends minivan and it broke down ( I love karma).

I'm not sure why she called. She said thanks for the help with emails and went off on the ex. I took the chance to ask why they ruled it suicide and she said it was because she jumped.

This was somewhat surprising because the police report says they found her close to the house, but I guess it is 4-5 feet away from the side... Still, when you're losing your balance who knows what you do on the last step. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

She says they weren't going to fight it for a while if the ex got custody, because he can't get paid from a suicide. But why would he have life insurance on his ex wife anyway? Or maybe it's social security. It's all confusing to me.

I still can't see her planning to kill herself. She was very accident prone, even fell out of trees she climbed the wrong way.

Ken

[Kenk]

So again I've heard nothing from the family. I'm beginning to think they are just looking to keep me on standby for their court case.

They told me Tuesday that they'd rather spend all their money than let the ex have any. Is that not the same thing they were mad at the ex for doing to my girlfriend? I know they claim the kids are the top priority, but statements like that sure don't fit the description. They also said they won't fight the suicide ruling if the ex "wins" the kids. That way he won't get anything from it. Hooray for love.

I understand so much better now why my girlfriend was the way she was. Both sides are downright evil and manipulative. I wish I would have done more to get her out of there,

[Kenk]

Seriously, how do you all do this and are able to keep taking steps forward?

I don't know if I can't, or I just don't want to, either way I'm stuck and I'm sinking. I finally had the woman and the love I was supposed to have. There was a connection and a love where I know no matter what happened, shed still love me. An amazing family in sight, just all sorts of wonderful blessings that nobody could have honestly expected from something as random and arbitrary as life. Yet somehow I was lucky enough to meet her. Sure it was at her worst, but I believed in her and she started to blossom into who she was capable of being. How am I suppose to just move on from the one thing that's ever felt right in my life? I spent so much time and energy believing in her, but now I'm supposed to stop, and go start another life. I just can't do it. I can't become someone else when the best me, was with her.

I told her I would go through hell to be with her, how can I possibly say that and then use "we'll I had a lot of years left so I had to move on" as an excuse?

[Austykatie]

Seriously, how do you all do this and are able to keep taking steps forward?

I don't know if I can't, or I just don't want to, either way I'm stuck and I'm sinking. I finally had the woman and the love I was supposed to have. There was a connection and a love where I know no matter what happened, shed still love me. An amazing family in sight, just all sorts of wonderful blessings that nobody could have honestly expected from something as random and arbitrary as life. Yet somehow I was lucky enough to meet her. Sure it was at her worst, but I believed in her and she started to blossom into who she was capable of being. How am I suppose to just move on from the one thing that's ever felt right in my life? I spent so much time and energy believing in her, but now I'm supposed to stop, and go start another life. I just can't do it. I can't become someone else when the best me, was with her.

I told her I would go through hell to be with her, how can I possibly say that and then use "we'll I had a lot of years left so I had to move on" as an excuse?

I am sorry your having such a hard time coping Kenk, I wish there was something I could say or do to help you through this! All I know is that at some point it gets easier, not better just easier! I have no choice to move on with my life as I have 3 kids that need me to be strong and show them that even when life gets to the lowest of lows we have to pick ourselves up and go forward! You can do it I know you can! No one is pressuring you to move so fast, do it at your own pace! You don't have to become someone else you just need to find the new place in life where you are suppose to be! Head up young one! I promise it will get better! Someday it will all make sense but for now just try and find peace!

[Kenk]

That's different to me though, so many of you have kids so you do have something to look forward to and live for. I went from having the life I wanted to literally having nothing remaining of it. Nothing.

It's like waking up from a dream, nobody around me knew her very well, I just want to go back