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Kenk

Please help, I feel so lost without her.

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Kenk   

I have copied this from a post I had made earlier today. I'm a wreck, I missed work today and couldn't get out of bed. I managed to call a counselor my insurance provides over the phone and she recommended I seek help in multiple places.

Hello, all I can say is I am so lost right now. My girlfriend passed away the night before Easter in an accident that just makes no sense to me. I’ve never lost anyone this close, and nobody I know has lost a lover before. I am hoping that someone or something here can help me in any way. Please, I have no idea what is happening to me.

I called my girlfriend”s house (she lives with her parents with her 4 kids) this morning to see what the plans were for Easter. Her father picked up, said hold on, and a police officer then spoke to me asking for my name and contact info, and that I was to go see a detective.

When I got there I got the news, she passed away. I didn’t know how to act, I’ve never lost anyone this close. I gave my statement, and I got minimal info. Just that I was the last person to see her, and that she had been up on the roof at one point, but found in the front yard. And that I was the last person to see her. This news is devastating to me.

I had come over last night to hang out and watch some TV with her. I’m 31, she would have been 33 on May 1st. I had been scaling things back in our relationship for a while now, my goal to make it less intense. She had a lot going on, an alcohol problem, not to mention frequent clashes with her parents over issues with her children. And I felt like focusing on our relationship wasn’t exactly helping anything.

So as I said, I went over her house last night, brought her some food since she had mentioned she didnt feel like cooking anything. And we started to watch a movie. I noticed she seemed more listless than usual (she was prone to having emotional outburts and felt like nobody cared or understood). She mentioned she didn’t know why she wasn’t doing anything, but couldn’t stop thinking. At this point, the youngest child came asking for help with a band aid, I got frustrated so I went downstairs to help. When I came back up, my girlfriend had gone to her sons’ room, so I left… I just left.

I hadn’t told her I loved her in a long while, making this day even worse. I don’t believe it was suicide though, I’m guessing it was an accident and she may have been drinking, going out onto the roof to try to call a pet parakeet that had escaped earlier that day. And we had plans, nothing solid, but plans for the near future. They seem to think she was out there reading, but the roof is so steep and it was a dark windy rainy night. It makes no sense to me. I think her father shut the attic door, either knowing she was up there to make a point, or not knowing, and she tried to find a way to a lower part.

So I have been through nothing like this before. I don’t have any emotionally capable friends nearby to help with this at all. My question is what happens next with grief loss and bereavement? How am I supposed to feel? Right now it feels surreal one moment, but I find myself in tears when I see some silly little nick knack she had given me. She was my best friend. Any plans I had involved her, and she pretty much was my entire social life around here.

I also feel guilt. I know it’s not my fault, its not my fault 4 kids don’t have a mother on easter. But I can’t help but feel if I had spent the night with her as she always asked me to, that this wouldn’t have happened. Or if I had gone ahead and took the jump to move in with her in our own house last summer, that things would be different. I know the what if game can go on and on.

But this was a direct link, if I had stayed, or listened to her better (she was bipolar), or if I had stayed the night like she always asked me.

She had come so far in turning her life around, at least it seemed that way. No way to know for sure until the toxicology results. But she was a good person who often said all I need is a hug to cheer me up. I didn’t even try to give her one last night and I knew she wasn’t happy. Here was someone with a heart of gold that I was actually trying to lessen the intensity of my relationship with. The first person I’ve been with that never criticized or judged me, much less anyone else. It’s selfish but I feel like a bad person.

I know I’m not a bad person, just that I took for granted all those little quirks she had, or comments she made trying to be funny. It’s going to be tough not having her ask how my day was each day so I can complain about an annoying co-worker. I’m trying to keep my mind bouncing around from spiritual questions such as what she believed after death vs other beliefs, if I’d come across her path elsewhere, to things like what do I do now? How can I expand a social circle that only contained 1 person? She 100% believed I was THE one for her. Does this mean she was wrong? Or would I end up doing myself an injustice by moving on from such a special, one of a kind soul? It seems to be working somewhat. But is it the right thing to do? Should I actually tackle these issues 1 at a time to try to get through them? Is postponing them even smart? I’ve looked up a lot of different spiritual beliefs and non beliefs, none are particularly comforting right now.

Her father called me to talk later that week, it was hard for him but I appreciated it. I wish that was all there was to it, but it really upset me.

First, they had the viewing without telling or inviting me. I’m not sure why, he said something about them not knowing how the kids would react to seeing their mother, and that it was immediate family only. I can’t tell you how many times she would fight with them insisting I was family. I attended every holiday there is with her, and even got to go on vacation with all of them. I asked the sister about it, she said she didn’t think there was a reason I wasn’t invited, that it wasn’t her choice, she invited who she was told to. Which included my late gfs best friend from middle school. Very confusing, but apparently the father needed her there. But I know my late gf would have wanted and expected me there as well. She would be furious that I wasn’t. Then Saturday night

I was told that the family said she never opened up about me…. How? I was over there at least 2x a week minimum. I can’t help but feel now ill never get to say goodbye. They’re allowing me to give them a letter that will supposedly be placed with her ashes, but can I believe that? I miss her so much and her family is still ignoring her wishes just as they did in her life.

Then it was time for the funeral Sunday. So the funeral made me angry. The first person to talk to me was her brother’s mother in law, she made a point to come tell me how sorry she was, having recognized me from family events. The next was her grandmother, mixed results. She said something along the lines of “we wondered where you were for the viewing and cremation, you are part of the family. I told her how lucky she was to have you. “. Then 5 minutes later she says “I wish you could have met the real her.” Are you kidding me?! 2 years of my life was with this woman. She says it was probably for the best that I didn’t end up with her bc she had a “mental illness”. She was bipolar but seriously? I’d go crazy too with so many people putting me down.

Then the family came, nice enough, but her ex showed up too. This is what really started to bother me. She really didnt like him, she left and stayed at a women’s abuse center because of how threatening and verbally abusive he was. She said she only married him to get away from her parents. While I’m sure she did live him at one point, that Marriage had ended long ago.

But he ended up being one of the speakers. Saying how he met her when he was 25 (left out that she was 17), and said she was a great mother. But he never paid child support but maybe 3 times in the 2 years since their divorce. He was never there for the kids, living with one woman to the next. It really bothered me seeing him crying and saying he loved her. Con artist.

The other one that bothered me was her “best friend” who I had not met once in the entire 2 years I was with my gf. She described a middle school, young young adult version of her. In fact, every picture was of her as a child or as a 25ish or under. Her hair was natural now, the “best friend” described a girl that loved dying her hair. Umm hello? Do you not know her anymore?

Not to mention her pall bearers were her ex, her “best friends” boyfriend, the guy that used to be married to her sister, and her brother. It felt like a joke to me. Like these people are all conspiring to erase the adult version of this woman, one who had troubles early on, but fell head over heels for me over the past 2 years. Can anyone give me advice?

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Kenk, I am so very sorry about your loss. I am glad you have decided to seek professional counseling. It sounds as though you may have been in a relationship with a person who had her own struggles and perhaps was trying to lose the past? The funeral arrangements and leaving you out was definitely odd, but I am not sure how you tackle this one. I am glad you know you weren't responsible. Losing anyone is tough, but for you to reach out to others and talk about it is good. What was the conversation with her father like? Is he someone you could continue to have a relationship with? I would ask my counselor whether to tackle all the issues at once or deal with them one at a time. We will be here to listen to you. We will be here for you--ModKonnie

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I am sorry to read about your loss and all of the troubles you have been going through. I lost my boyfriend/husband of 3.5years to a tragic accident 7 weeks ago. It is horrible all the feelings we can go through and all of the what if's that go through my head all the time. Please know its better to take one step at a time and talking to people can really help. Is there a support group in your area? I joined one and will be going tomorrow night for the first time. Also have you ever gone in the chat room on this site? There are some very nice supportive people that go in there that will help you out, even if it is to just keep you company. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk! I am here living the nightmare everyday for the last 7 weeks.. Peace

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Kenk   

My relationship with her father is best described as neutral. I never really got into any deep conversations with him. He and my late girlfriend were often fighting, more so than I thought possible. The conversation was good, except that he said, as I heard so often Sunday, that the "real" version of my girlfriend was years ago, when she was not living at home, but still in a loveless sometimes abusive marriage. So there is currently a level of frustration. I emailed him earlier about meeting up to write something nice about her on balloons and release them. I didn't get a response, so I had my family each write 1 thing they loved about her, and I wrote 3, putting a picture of us on the biggest balloon. I took pictures holding them and released it while recording it on my camera. It looked like they wouldn't clear the trees at first bc of the picture weighing down the larger balloon, but they caught a breeze and went sooo high! I feel better, at least for now. Until I realize that she won't be calling again tonight.

I am very thankful that I found this site. I am sorry to hear of your loss, but so happy that even through your troubled times, that you're taking time to help another lost soul. This is what I've been looking for. I'm socially awkward to say the least, and not feeling too religious at the moment, but I have looked at support groups. Do they all tend to be in churches?

I would very much like to write you or chat with anyone that has been, or is going through the same thing. I've never lost anyone close before, but the few friends I do have try to help, but it's not the same. They describe grieving over a lost family member, which seems like a different kind of grief. We learn to become independent of family, but we are supposed to get closer to our lover. Is it ok to give my email on here mod? Or is there a private way for that?

Thank you both so much, I'm sure the pain is going to come rushing back, but I do feel better for now.

Ken

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Caremal   

Grief is grief and everyone's journey is different. Support groups are all over you just have to keep looking unstill you find one that works for you. Hospice has a good one in my area and you don't have to be associated with them to go. I wish you well on your journey in the grief process.

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Kenk   

Right now the hardest part is feeling like I've been robbed of my perfect life, along with 4 sweet children of their mother. And that the version, the true version of her, that I loved is being forgotten or is unknown.

That and the guilt. I wish I would have done things different that night, listened or grabbed her and hugged her when she was confused. But I just left and didn't look hard enough when I had a change of heart. Had I done that, i think I wouldn't be on here, is be at work looking forward to meeting for lunch, or complaining to her about an annoying co worker over text. Heck, I'd even settle for being mad at each other. Anything other than this. So much of who I am, was tied in with her. We were a true couple.

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Kenk   

So I decided to email her neighbor, who also happens to be a pastor that performed her funeral service and she said she would be glad to meet with me tomorrow. Any suggestions on questions I can ask? She said she can't give out anything that was said in confidence. Though it would be nice to hear her say my gf came over and mentioned how in love she was. Or even that she had decided she wanted to move on from me. There would be a finality to that as well in a weird way.

She mentioned she had also wondered about my not being there for the viewing and cremation. So at least it's not just me. Anyway, I've been taking notes on what to ask or bring up, let me know what you think...

Not sure how to feel, understand everyone grieves in own way.

Service was upsetting, images of young 25 under her, ex husband speaking, burial wishes I know I have no control over

The "real" her comments.

The "never opened up about me" comments. Room emptied of all books and letters I wrote?

All this makes me wonder if I knew the real her or not... We'd spend a lot of time together, but if she didnt open up, did she not really feel the same for me?

She said she was so sure I was the one for her, does this mean she was wrong?

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needy   

Kenk so sorry for your loss.

When my mother passed away we started to clear away her stuff after her funeral. My father wanted it done. It was so hard but some people need that done. Me on the other hand is the extreme opposite. My husband's lunch pail is still on the kitchen counter where he left it. I don't think they are erasing you it is just the way her family is coping.

I think you have such extreme guilt right now. I have it too. How can you forgive your girlfriend's family? How can you forgive yourself for not knowing what was going on in her head? Those are the questions to ask the pastor.

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Kenk   

Thank you needy. It may be the way they're coping, but when they're done there's going to be nothing left of her from the last few years. I find it hard to believe they could have so thoroughly cleaned her room, but not found the camera she always took with us. But maybe they really haven't.

I feel like I'm fighting a war for this part of her to be remembered. Without this fight, the history of my girlfriend will just end with the times they approved of her. I know she was troubled the last few years, but the excuse of there being so many guys doesn't cut it. We had a good solid relationship that was good for her. Her home life may have been full of fighting, but that doesn't mean she didn't love her family. There was do much good to her, and I can't let her family just white that out.

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Kenk   

Just an update. I met with her parents today. They're still trying to piece together what happened. The mother started to say what was listed on the death certificate, but was cut off by the father. Making me think its listed as suicide or partially intentional or something.... Don't know if I agree. They had some idea that she wouldn't have been moving towards a lower part if the roof due to where they found her. But I can't just see her trying to jump down backwards.

Anyway, the meeting went well, I shared some things, didn't get the journal I wanted, but she hasn't written as much in it as I thought anyway. They did offer to scan them for me.

They also said the ex was full of ****. But didn't offer an explanation as to why I was left out of every service. I didn't pursue it.

They said the sister was wrong, my girlfriend had indeed opened up about me. The normal ups and downs. Called me a butthead often, which was her affectionate term when she was mad at someone.

I tried to make the point that she was getting better, even if it was real slow. And that I do love her completely. They knew. We took pictures together a with the balloons I got, each wrote something on at least one, and released them saying we love her. It was nice. I told them I know we never really talked much, but I do want to stay in touch (for some reason), and that I consider them family. My girlfriend would have wanted that.

But I'm bothered by why they think the ex still has power over her. They mentioned that she was placed next to her grandmother, but didn't tell him because of how he might react. They were divorced. It's just confusing.

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Kenk   

And if one more person says it was in gods plan I'm gonna lose it too. What kind of god plans to let Osama live to be 70+ and takes an innocent loving mother of 4?

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Kenk   

So this morning I woke up with two new thoughts. First, I realized if all goes well in my life, I will be spending another 40-60 years without her. This breaks my heart. Even at age 31, she was only a tiny sliver of my life, but it felt so much more than that.

The other thought is I'm not sure ill be able to move on. I want to keep loving her, I want for her to keep loving me. I want her to keep coming up with fun little ideas and adventures. Even now I love her so much, that I don't see how I could even attempt with anyone else. I don't really want to. Even her dead seems better than anyone else alive. I really believe this was THE connection of my life. It was so unique and beautiful. And her love is still the only thing around that seems real to me. I do not want to be alone, especially for decades and decades... But I don't feel like in could put my heart into it.

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Kenk   

Just an update. The father of the kids was watching them this weekend but hasn't brought them back to the grandparents house. He sent a note saying he wasn't going to do so.

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Kenk   

So I had my first dream about her. She was dead in it too. I was calling to hear her voice mail, and her sister picked up, I explained what I was doing, called back and there was a brand new angry voice mail by my girlfriend explaining what was going on.

This hurts so much. Is she gone even in my dreams?

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Caremal   

Talk about moving on and NOT. My family farm was homesteaded during the time of the civl war. They still have stuff there from that time and nobody will clean out the good or bad stuff. I on the other hand packed up my husbands things before he stopped breathing as his demise was expected. I am now one year out today and am working diligentley on preparing for an auction. We all handle things in our own time and either was is just OK – no set rule on moving on.

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Kenk   

You're probably right about looking back. But I am also sure I could have been nicer, we all probably can. She loved me, and I wish I would have shown how I felt more. Regret.

Now I'm trying to figure out that if she is the one for me, how do I make sure I get another chance when all I said and done? Living for 50 years without her seems like such a long time. I know she'd want me to have a family, but for me to still love her the most if that makes sense.... I think it does, I think love is a selfish, intimate emotion that loses power when you start adding more people to the mix. That's why we have couples.

As for the kids, I think the oldest boy is ok, he looks up to his father for whatever reason. The younger boy and the 2 girls were still in a state of shock when they left. So no real news yet, just preparations for a legal battle between the ex husband and my girlfriends parents.

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Kenk   

Also recently popped into my mind, is how do I forgive the sister? Do I even bother? If her grandmother, her brother's mother in law, all knew we were close, how could she not have? The parents even said they knew. The sister lied.

To further my point, my girlfriends parents are calling me asking if I know of my girlfriends wishes for the kids, and if I know of any in writing... That's quite a lot to have "never opened up" about me. I kind of want to write the sister and voice my feelings, but I don't know what good it would do.

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Caremal   

When you forgive you do it for yourself NOT for the one you feel did you wrong. I know that is not how you feel --- however it is how it is. As far as her children they should live with their dad - he is the one they need to be with. If he has been abusive that is different, yet I have not heard that from you so they should live with him. For his childrens sake it was good that he was there for them and also at the funeral. Yes they should have also invited you - sorry they neglected to do so.

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Kenk   

The ex was abusive to her, she had to stay at a women's shelter. He also quite often threatened suicide and kept loaded guns in the house. He has had issues with drugs, he moves from woman to woman until they kick him out if the house. Just bad news. Not to mention he never paid any child support and actually lost his drivers license because of it. She was actually going to file for abandonment before the accident.

You probably are right about the forgiveness thing. I just don't think the sister is a very good person. Does she care what I think? Obviously not.

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Caremal   

hate to say but i dont care what my sister in law thinks either. have not spoke to her in almost a year and we were friends for 33 years or at least I was.

and the dad issue It is the dads call on his children---- he may have been a bad husband and perhaps now is his time to step up for his kids. I wish you all the best including the dad and children.

Because you were not married you have to step aside. It is not saying your relationship was not valid just not according to the legal aspect of it and that is what happens in cases like this. I am sorry for your loss and the pain you have is so real I know. Time will help your pain to not hurt so much.

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Kenk   

I'm not the one fighting for custody. That would be the grandparents. The kids have lived there in a fairl stable environment now for years. I'm not sure being moved out of state by a father that was never there, and doesn't have a job, against the mothers wishes, is legally going to hold up.

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Kenk   

We go through life figuring out what we want, taking anything less is settling, right? I believe my "peak happiness" was with her. Anything else I do is just settling.

Not the best example, but consider this. You have a guy that just loves playing soccer. He loves the feel of the pitch, the sound the ball makes when he kicks it, the feel of a good strike. And he's been doing this for the first 30 years of his life.

Then an accident happens, his foot his amputated. He can still play soccer, but it's not the same. The feel is different, the little things he developed all those years are gone. No matter what after that, he would still rather have his foot again.

When his time comes, assuming he has any choice in the matter, don't you think he would pick a "paradise" where he hasn't lost it? Even if it means its a much earlier chapter of his life, but that's when he had the MOST potential to be happy.

Not the best example, but she is what I wanted in life when I could have been my happiest. If there is even the smallest chance that something I do or don't do, which you have to admit is at least possible since nobody knows, affects that chance of being in another relationship, I owe it to myself to pursue it.

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Kenk   

If someone that you KNOW was your true love died at a young age, before you were able to marry, is it OK to marry someone else you care for, and spend your earthly life honoring them, even though, in your heart, you know the first lost love was the only one you would truly wish to spend eternity with?

And if you cant continue that relationship when you die... Why establish something beautiful only to have it jerked away from you forever? Why pour your heart into something that's going to be snatched away?

Why move on after death to something that's difficult to understand where you have no choices to continue to build upon the love you're forged in the here and now?

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Caremal   

Kenk you are early in your journey of grief. Give time --- time and down the road you may look at life in a different window.

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